Friend moving back in with me

[justaguy5000]

So a few years ago a guy I knew from the army was in a pretty bad car accident and didn't have anywhere to live after he got out of the hospital. He was a friend but we weren't particularly close. He lived out of state and had been staying with a few roommates but there were stairs he couldn't handle, and nobody there was really in a position to help out with his medical needs. So I drove out there, picked him up, and moved him in with me.

He stayed for about 2 years, did all of his physical therapy and had a couple more surgeries. He can walk and talk normally again. But he has occasional brain issues usually caused by exposure to light and sound. But he's probably 95% recovered. He moved out about two years ago.

Anyway he lost his job a couple weeks ago and he's been having trouble finding a new one because he still doesn't drive.

He asked me a couple days ago if he could move back in with me at the end of the month. I immediately said "yeah no problem".

I casually told my family about it and their reaction was pretty unexpected. They seem to think that he's using me as a crutch and that he'll never grow up if I keep bailing him out. They basically kept telling me that I've done enough for him and it's not my problem anymore. Which seems sort of heartless to me.

I have a spare bedroom that he used to live in and it basically just storage now anyway. It's not a huge burden to have him here. It's not like I have to help him shower or shave or keep track of his meds this time around.

Like I definitely want him to be self sufficient but I never really thought that helping someone might be somehow damaging him in the long run.

Any thoughts?

 

[thestarrevolution]

First, thank you for helping your friend out. You're a good friend and don't let anyone make you think differently. You are an example of what we all should be doing for the people we love and care about.

Your help, in and of itself, won't hurt or damage either of you. Rather, my concerns are (1) if your help will be adequate for him, especially if his condition gets worse and (2) if he will start taking advantage of you. And both of these questions have less to do with you and more with him. I hope both of you can figure that out by maintaining that relationship and communication.

 

[malakos]

People have a tendency to think the typical, healthy, resilient individual who can bounce back quickly from something like a job loss represents how people generally are, or at least should be. Those who are not like this are distrusted and there is resistance to giving them special help.

This thinking is very wrongheaded, of course. People vary considerably in their abilities to adapt to trying circumstances. Some people just do need help more than others. There is plenty of reason to suppose your friend really does need the help you are inclined to offer him.

This is not to say that if he approaches the situation wrongly that he couldn't become unduly reliant on your help. But you shouldn't assume he will do that. Not if he otherwise has shown no signs of exploiting help beyond what he needs.

So I would say your family's judgments of him aren't worth taking too seriously.

 

[justaguy5000]

First, thank you for helping your friend out. You're a good friend and don't let anyone make you think differently. You are an example of what we all should be doing for the people we love and care about.

Your help, in and of itself, won't hurt or damage either of you. Rather, my concerns are (1) if your help will be adequate for him, especially if his condition gets worse and (2) if he will start taking advantage of you. And both of these questions have less to do with you and more with him. I hope both of you can figure that out by maintaining that relationship and communication.

He doesn't really have a worsening condition. He was pretty bad for awhile but I'd say he's more functional than most people that haven't had brain injuries. He was working at a gym that went out of business so I don't think it was related to his recovery at all.

I honestly don't think he's taking advantage. I know he feels like he was a burden when he was here before, so I'm sure he didn't want to even have to ask me. And I'm not really using the room anyway.

 

[justaguy5000]

People have a tendency to think the typical, healthy, resilient individual who can bounce back quickly from something like a job loss represents how people generally are, or at least should be. Those who are not like this are distrusted and there is resistance to giving them special help.

This thinking is very wrongheaded, of course. People vary considerably in their abilities to adapt to trying circumstances. Some people just do need help more than others. There is plenty of reason to suppose your friend really does need the help you are inclined to offer him.

This is not to say that if he approaches the situation wrongly that he couldn't become unduly reliant on your help. But you shouldn't assume he will do that. Not if he otherwise has shown no signs of exploiting help beyond what he needs.

So I would say your family's judgments of him aren't worth taking too seriously.

I know they're looking out for me. I don't think they're being mean about it. But they are really hung up on money and finances. They even said things back when he was living with me like "who's paying for things?" And "is he going to pay you back?"

I know he didn't want to ask for help. Like I don't think any adult wants to ask someone to help them tie their shoes or cut up their food or help them shave. But I was capable of doing it and I'm glad I was in a position to do it.

 

[Sagittarius84]

I think as long as you're not mitigating your ability to take care of yourself, you should have free license to offer assistance, not contingent upon the intentions of the assisted.
It's a little more personal and close quarters, but I see little difference between what you're doing and offering a homeless person a couple bucks in the regular; sure it'd be nice if you knew for sure it was going towards food or lodging, but it's no failure of yours if he opts instead to spend it on alcohol or drugs.
Your friends are looking out for you, as they should, so I do at least think you should draw up a timeline with this guy to both motivate him to be diligent, but also to give your friends some assurance you're not being taken advantage of. Something like a soft 6 month timeline, where you can reexamine at about 4 months or so if no progress has been made.

 

[CockMySuck]

So a few years ago a guy I knew from the army was in a pretty bad car accident and didn't have anywhere to live after he got out of the hospital. He was a friend but we weren't particularly close. He lived out of state and had been staying with a few roommates but there were stairs he couldn't handle, and nobody there was really in a position to help out with his medical needs. So I drove out there, picked him up, and moved him in with me.

He stayed for about 2 years, did all of his physical therapy and had a couple more surgeries. He can walk and talk normally again. But he has occasional brain issues usually caused by exposure to light and sound. But he's probably 95% recovered. He moved out about two years ago.

Anyway he lost his job a couple weeks ago and he's been having trouble finding a new one because he still doesn't drive.

He asked me a couple days ago if he could move back in with me at the end of the month. I immediately said "yeah no problem".

I casually told my family about it and their reaction was pretty unexpected. They seem to think that he's using me as a crutch and that he'll never grow up if I keep bailing him out. They basically kept telling me that I've done enough for him and it's not my problem anymore. Which seems sort of heartless to me.

I have a spare bedroom that he used to live in and it basically just storage now anyway. It's not a huge burden to have him here. It's not like I have to help him shower or shave or keep track of his meds this time around.

Like I definitely want him to be self sufficient but I never really thought that helping someone might be somehow damaging him in the long run.

Any thoughts?

You're a great friend! If you have the means to help a friend, why not help them? Your family's reaction seems kind of detached to me. You don't leave people out to dry like that. With that said, hopefully he pays you some rent while he's with you or agrees to a plan to pay you back, to help cover costs.

 

[Graham123]

Good that you can help him out, what goes around comes around as they say, you never know when through life experiences you may need help off a friend.

 

[Boywatch200]

well, if for you is easy and and you feel like doing it, just do what your heart tells you to do.

As long as things are clear between the both of you, then why not to help someone in need ?

 

[justaguy5000]

Yeah, moved some of his stuff in today. Doing it in small batches over the next week or so so we don't have to bust out ass to move stuff all at once.

I was never going to not let him move back in. Just thought it was strange that my family was being so transactional about it. Are there really people that keep running tabs on their friends?

 

[Brodie888]

With any relationship, friend, partner, sibling, parent etc; the key to reducing any resentment is to maintain fair exchange. Both sides benefit equally.

It may be rent money, grocery shopping, chores etc. But the key is both sides see what they get as being fair exchange. One sided belief of fair does not count either.

So it would be advisable that yes you help your friend for a period of time, but you should specify for how long it will be that way and what it changes to and when.

Otherwise you will end up resenting him and damage your friendship or worse, lead to a problem in the future.

 

[Boywatch200]

With any relationship, friend, partner, sibling, parent etc; the key to reducing any resentment is to maintain fair exchange. Both sides benefit equally.

It may be rent money, grocery shopping, chores etc. But the key is both sides see what they get as being fair exchange. One sided belief of fair does not count either.

So it would be advisable that yes you help your friend for a period of time, but you should specify for how long it will be that way and what it changes to and when.

Otherwise you will end up resenting him and damage your friendship or worse, lead to a problem in the future.

Wise words.

 

[justaguy5000]

With any relationship, friend, partner, sibling, parent etc; the key to reducing any resentment is to maintain fair exchange. Both sides benefit equally.

It may be rent money, grocery shopping, chores etc. But the key is both sides see what they get as being fair exchange. One sided belief of fair does not count either.

So it would be advisable that yes you help your friend for a period of time, but you should specify for how long it will be that way and what it changes to and when.

Otherwise you will end up resenting him and damage your friendship or worse, lead to a problem in the future.

He's a good guy. He just got dealt a few bad hands. And he's a good roommate. He's neat and we don't really get on each other's nerves.

I don't think he intends to stay forever. Just until he gets back on his feet. Plus right now it's just me and my dog living here so if welcome the company.