"gay best friend"

[Mercurygirl]

My firm opinion of the whole guy friend thing is if the guy in question finds you physically attractive odds are extremely high he will make a move on your ass at some point. Regardless of how he behaves, how in control you or he may think he is, whether he himself believes it or not, it's a front, consciously or subconsciously, till he sees an opening for his ambitious and self important penis to take the stage (dressed in a cute little top hat and tux singing, "Moon River"). After all, he only wants to be a girl's huckleberry friend.

Now, I too have at one time or another entertained thoughts of having a gay male friend. The idea that you can have a male perspective to mine that doesn't want to get into your pants is rather appealing. However, the only male friends I have these days are friends with my boyfriend (first) or are my female friends' significant others. This is all for good reason and a policy I've adopted after a number of personal experiences, a.k.a, crash and burns.

Fact is every straight single guy I've attempted to be "just friends" with in the past, like one on one relationships, not in groups, eventually expressed feelings, made inappropriate innuendos, sexual advances, that had me backing away from the friendship and ending it altogether.

Looking back I'm still unsure if I was initially targeted as a potential girlfriend or feelings developed naturally over time? Whatever the case I was or became a sweet frosting covered cupcake to these men who seemingly were starved for my deliciousness (har-har). A part of me believes (the narcissistic? perhaps) there was an initial physical attraction and that these men then settled into a sort of friendship holding pattern, biding their time, till they felt the weather was more favorable and they could land their increasingly throbbing cum shooting jumbo jet on my beguiling peach runway. What can I say? I can't help it if I'm irresistible (the narcissistic? definitely) but one thing I am not is a tease or intentionally led any of them on.

Early on it was perhaps my inability to read men, naivety, later their ability to cloak their true feelings that blinded their motives from me. Needless to say after several attempts, aforementioned crash and burns, to be friends with single straight men, I've learned it just isn't possible. Not to say all men are like this but a review of those straight single males who entered my friendship orbit and I believed I could hang out alone with are 0 for 4 on maintaining the friendship. 0-5 if you count another one who for TOS reasons I can't elaborate on here. Needless to say it involved a recess friendship that ended with my dress being pulled up over my head. Somethings never change it would seem.

These days I'm just not interested mostly because I know my boyfriend wouldn't like it regardless of the friend's sexual orientation. In his defense if the situation was reversed I wouldn't like it either. I'm his female friend and he's my male friend. Sure we have other friends who are of the opposite sex but we entertain those friends together as a couple. He can have all the dudes he wants to do dude (ape) stuff apart from me with but I'm "the girl" in his life and he's "the boy" in mine. It works for us and we like it that way.

Was I right to just let it go, or do you think there's something I could have said?

I think you "said" (certainly indicated anyway) a few things already. Seriously, having "brunch" with a group of women is the equivalent of watching Will & Grace in silk pajamas. It's super high on the gay-o-meter. But beyond the rainbow flag you were waving by just having brunch with the ladies club you crafted a hysterical line to respond to the woman pining for a gay shopping mate, that being ...

"Now, I like doing all those things, and I kinda wanted to offer to be that friend. The only thing is, I'm not gay. I mean, I'm pretty gay -- like, I've had a bunch of dicks in my mouth, and I enjoy doing all those above mentioned activities that are apparently in the realm of the gay -- but I'm not, as we would say here on LPSG, "100% gay." I don't feel like the word "bi" really says much about who I am, either, but for practical purposes, OK, I'm bi."

Follow that ^ (minus the LPSG reference of course) with, "So, that being said, I'd absolutely love to go shopping with you."

You say that at my brunch table and I guarantee after I catch my breath from laughing so fucking hard, compose myself, and you sir will instantly become my favorite 'had a bunch of dicks in his mouth but not entirely gay, pretty gay, bi for argument sake', brunch buddy for life.

Add, odds are you'll be telling your new "need a gay" shopping gal pal she looks fat in a outfit outside a mall ladies changing room In short order.

 

[Penis Aficionado]

@Mercurygirl: I'm pleased I made you laugh; if we were brunch buddies I'd make you snort mimosa out your nose.

Really though, you're the one with the hysterical lines. I'm just mildly amusing. But you're right, I should have just made a joke: "I think I'd like to be your friend, but if I need to suck some more dicks to prove myself first, I'll get right on that."

I seem to do the gayest things without even trying. I didn't know brunch was inherently gay! Maybe it wasn't "brunch" -- it was like 1 pm, I just like saying "brunch" better than "lunch," and I had pancakes. Just for the record there were a couple other dudes at the brunch; I don't know if they were gay or straight, but I assumed straight because they were really dull and only talked about their jobs.

 

[Penis Aficionado]

Let's face it, you can have all kinds of thoughts and not act on them.

I think this is important to remember. Honestly, any straight man that you've spent more than three minutes with has probably fapped while thinking about you. But if they keep that to themselves and treat you with respect, what's the problem?