When I was at Fort Campbell way back when, I had a pretty good reputation with most of the leadership. There was one NCO (fortunately in a different platoon) I could never see eye-to-eye with. I remember one time in particular where it was pretty much after hours and he locked me up at parade rest and proceeded to bawl me out over some insignificant thing I’d done; he was well within his rights, but his reaction was also pretty disproportionate. I felt particularly humiliated as this happened in front of a bunch of my friends.
He was from a rural part of Tennessee, and I’d always felt a bit awed by him and his skill as an infantryman. At one point, when we were both receiving an award, I found out that he’d received something ridiculous like 15 Army Achievement Medals (this would have been when I was receiving my first or second).
When I was complaining about his treatment later that evening, someone suggested to me that he was the one who might have felt intimidated; I had some college education, had maxed out the ASVAB, and had pretty clearly shown my versatility and intelligence. It seemed ridiculous to me at the time—he had been a team or squad leader the whole time I’d been there, whereas I was still junior enlisted, not even a promotable E4 yet, though that was coming soon—how could such a guy feel that way about me?
Anyways, I remember catching sight of him at the company right at the end of a long field problem. We were all tired, dirty, sweaty (no showers for anyone in the last two weeks), and dressed in our oldest, well worn camouflage uniforms. And I happened to notice that his had a very strategic tear, right where it was just possible to notice what he was packing. It drove me nuts, that tear. I didn’t dare make it any more obvious than it already was for fear of being caught by him or someone else. But I suddenly realized that that was what made our bad blood all the worse for me: it wasn’t a simple question of whether or not he respected me…deep down I felt his treatment as a rejection, and that hurt. A lot.
Of course there was never any question of acting on this. He was straight and married. Although, as far as anyone in the company was concerned, I was straight too. My realization provided me with zero comfort. But this was the very last time I allowed myself to feel any great attraction to an unattainable straight man. Especially in a context like the Army where any form of expression of that attraction was absolutely forbidden. Since then, by and large, I have confined my socializing to other gay men. Frankly, it’s a good deal less painful.
