homophobia among white straight men

[Sam0021]

hi there, sorry for this so straight forward question but in my experience, I have encountered many homophobic men, and 99% of those were white. I live in diverse area (So we have many ethnicity people here who I regularly interact with) but the kind of homophobic questions i have gotten from white straight men are hilarious..i mean i have gotten this question "are you gay?" or "I don't want to talk to you as i think you are gay" from them for asking simple questions like "how was your day or how was your workout or where is this shop, i mean simple questions.. and ofcourse, if I try be friends with them, then definitely, this is no.1 question and then the list of questions go worse.. but I have not gotten these questions from other ethnicity straight men, so i am wondering what could be the reasons behind that.. any comments would be helpful..or any tips would be helpful as maybe I need to approach them differently so that this is not their first question...lol and just to be clear, i am just trying to be normal friends here, nothing else at all.

 

[HorseHung40's]

You do not say where you live, or, disclose your age group.

Among older white males homophobia is alive and well.

 

[michael_3165]

What makes you assume its homophobia?

Not saying it isn't but if you come off as a bit flirty they may just want to know or may be signalling a lack of interest.

From my experience guys don't meet friends that way often, in fact many men don't have friends at all. So friendliness can be seen as a bit unusual especially from another guy.

But lets say it is homophobia, I don't think it's a white straight men problem, I've seen plenty of homophobic black guys over the years. I think alot of it is cultural. Older white guys in the UK tend to be more anti gay because it was illegal in the UK until the 60s I believe, and a mental illness until 1992. In other non white majority countries, it is often still illegal or a taboo.

I tend to just assume the best in people and realise some guys aren't comfortable w their own sexuality or masculinity. I also assume that there may be any number of reasons for this type of behaviour, many we will never know.

Good luck!

 

[thom_green2003]

What makes you assume its homophobia?

Not saying it isn't but if you come off as a bit flirty they may just want to know or may be signalling a lack of interest.

From my experience guys don't meet friends that way often, in fact many men don't have friends at all. So friendliness can be seen as a bit unusual especially from another guy.

But lets say it is homophobia, I don't think it's a white straight men problem, I've seen plenty of homophobic black guys over the years. I think alot of it is cultural. Older white guys in the UK tend to be more anti gay because it was illegal in the UK until the 60s I believe, and a mental illness until 1992. In other non white majority countries, it is often still illegal or a taboo.

I tend to just assume the best in people and realise some guys aren't comfortable w their own sexuality or masculinity. I also assume that there may be any number of reasons for this type of behaviour, many we will never know.

Good luck!

You said it's cultural and I agree. Furthermore, I'm not sure that I (a white guy) would be as aware or sensitive to signals and reactions from other cultures...? Doesn't mean they don't exist, just wondering.

 

[ILoveGames48]

Homophobia is everywhere .. you may be comparing it to white straight me because you’re around white people more..

Ignorance doesn’t have a color.. white black red brown or whatever.. homophobia is everywhere ..- even with guys that I’ve known to have sex wit guys but then turn around and hate gay people

 

[Sagittarius84]

Not gonna leave my white bros hanging..lol
We could get into a deep dive of the social and cultural sources of homophobia amongst straight men, but Ive observed two things, that doesn't come with a color, and 2nd as a man of color from the inside looking out, Id posit you're actually less likely to encounter homophobia from an average white guy, than an average brown or black man, given our respective cultural contexts. It could be you simply don't encounter black and brown homophobic men as much because their aversion is so profound they never get to a stage of interaction which you could discern it. It could be if you are a person of color, your homosexuality is going to be received differently amongst white men than if you were white yourself, it could be even you being in a diverse area, only white men feel comfortable enough to be forthcoming with their averse opinion without enduring social consequences.
It could also be similar to how most men in general would consider other men to be the most homophobic and transphobic, when its really women that socially punish homosexual and transexual proximity amongst straight men, but "ideologically" align with gays and trans under the umbrella of a shared discriminatory experience; so perhaps black and brown men, not being the status quo, offer that same "alignment" by not being as forwardly homophobic.

 

[Brazilianpizza]

hi there, sorry for this so straight forward question but in my experience, I have encountered many homophobic men, and 99% of those were white. I live in diverse area (So we have many ethnicity people here who I regularly interact with) but the kind of homophobic questions i have gotten from white straight men are hilarious..i mean i have gotten this question "are you gay?" or "I don't want to talk to you as i think you are gay" from them for asking simple questions like "how was your day or how was your workout or where is this shop, i mean simple questions.. and ofcourse, if I try be friends with them, then definitely, this is no.1 question and then the list of questions go worse.. but I have not gotten these questions from other ethnicity straight men, so i am wondering what could be the reasons behind that.. any comments would be helpful..or any tips would be helpful as maybe I need to approach them differently so that this is not their first question...lol and just to be clear, i am just trying to be normal friends here, nothing else at all.

Well the solution is simple. Make sure you seem as straight as possible. Keep your voice deep, and your chest straight. Make sure you walk like a track star, and eliminate any signs of a feminine face. It shouldn't be hard as gay basketball and football players have been doing it for generations haha.

For the most part its completely acceptable. A lot of people as a whole may not like homosexuality at all but are simply tolerant. Its better to be perceived as tolerant or a ally then receive backlash. For young people it was terrible to be friends with a gay person or be related to one. White people mostly dont care about what you are as long as it does not affect them and their position in society. Other minorities may view you as a threat or someone who may try to seduce them. The seduction idea is the most common reason for the homophobia and the most mild form of it. Its just something you have to deal with depending on the environment you find yourself in. And the people are evolved enough to understand you.

 

[Markyoung873]

Of course it an exclusive white straight male thing… didn’t you know, they’re the sole source of all evil…

 

[nadanough]

Not gonna leave my white bros hanging..lol
We could get into a deep dive of the social and cultural sources of homophobia amongst straight men, but Ive observed two things, that doesn't come with a color, and 2nd as a man of color from the inside looking out, Id posit you're actually less likely to encounter homophobia from an average white guy, than an average brown or black man, given our respective cultural contexts. It could be you simply don't encounter black and brown homophobic men as much because their aversion is so profound they never get to a stage of interaction which you could discern it. It could be if you are a person of color, your homosexuality is going to be received differently amongst white men than if you were white yourself, it could be even you being in a diverse area, only white men feel comfortable enough to be forthcoming with their averse opinion without enduring social consequences.
It could also be similar to how most men in general would consider other men to be the most homophobic and transphobic, when its really women that socially punish homosexual and transexual proximity amongst straight men, but "ideologically" align with gays and trans under the umbrella of a shared discriminatory experience; so perhaps black and brown men, not being the status quo, offer that same "alignment" by not being as forwardly homophobic.

I'd like to ad my experience that black and brown and asian men and women can be really aggressively forwardly homophobic. It's very ingrained in the culture as a sin and it's still illegal in many many of those countries

 

[ILoveGames48]

You know in few states of the USA it’s against the law to suck dick or lick a pussy.. it’s called Sodomy laws..

This guy got put in prison for getting caught “going down” on his girlfriend .. he got 5 years.. she got 1 year plus 3 years probation.. she should got same thing.. he got.. but they say he was performing the act not her ??!!??!! WTF


Ignorance knows no color and no gender .. a lot of it is trained into a lot of people as they grow up and a lot of it is because they aren’t around it much at all and when they are they think it’s wrong


I’d say start with the king of ignorance and gather them all up.. and send them to Antarctica

 

[hotcouple_be]

hi there, sorry for this so straight forward question but in my experience, I have encountered many homophobic men, and 99% of those were white. I live in diverse area (So we have many ethnicity people here who I regularly interact with) but the kind of homophobic questions i have gotten from white straight men are hilarious..i mean i have gotten this question "are you gay?" or "I don't want to talk to you as i think you are gay" from them for asking simple questions like "how was your day or how was your workout or where is this shop, i mean simple questions.. and ofcourse, if I try be friends with them, then definitely, this is no.1 question and then the list of questions go worse.. but I have not gotten these questions from other ethnicity straight men, so i am wondering what could be the reasons behind that.. any comments would be helpful..or any tips would be helpful as maybe I need to approach them differently so that this is not their first question...lol and just to be clear, i am just trying to be normal friends here, nothing else at all.

there's a big difference between "homophobic" shit talking, as in questioning each other sexual tendencies as a mean to tease each other, and actually truelly homophobic slur directed at people who really are homosexuals.

the first is pretty much normal among guys, and doesn't stop there as often enough even our mother's sexual practice and preference come into question.
again, it's nothing but shit talking and should never, ever be taken seriously.

that being said, i hardly ever encountered truelly homophobic guys, and better yet, the very few i did were so over the top it almost seemed suspicious, if ya see what i mean.

best exemple is a guy i used to work with, an italian guy who was homophobic and transphobic AF.

at one point he split up with his wife and she had just moved.
went to his place with a few other friends,
trying to cheer him up a bit with liquid courrage, you know the deal.

at one point i had to open the floodgate and make the colossus cry, so i ask to go to the bathroom, while washing my hands i notice a sh*tload of beauty product, creams for every moment of the day, peeling and what not... don't think any of my gf had that much stuff but hey, whatever.

i go back downstair and ask him why his wife left all that stuff behind, and that's when he told me that no no, all that stuff was his ... :x

i'm not saying guys shouldn't take care of themselve, but when you got more grooming products than not only your gf/wife, but an instagram model when you're like 25yo and a dude, and at the same time over the top homophobic ... call me paranoid but i think he wasn't telling us the whole story lol

 

[WilliamG]

You do not say where you live, or, disclose your age group.

Among older white males homophobia is alive and well.

100% agree. But I'm finding a pattern with older white males looking to suck or be sucked...

 

[bigboaster]

there's a big difference between "homophobic" shit talking, as in questioning each other sexual tendencies as a mean to tease each other, and actually truelly homophobic slur directed at people who really are homosexuals.

the first is pretty much normal among guys, and doesn't stop there as often enough even our mother's sexual practice and preference come into question.
again, it's nothing but shit talking and should never, ever be taken seriously.

that being said, i hardly ever encountered truelly homophobic guys, and better yet, the very few i did were so over the top it almost seemed suspicious, if ya see what i mean.

best exemple is a guy i used to work with, an italian guy who was homophobic and transphobic AF.

at one point he split up with his wife and she had just moved.
went to his place with a few other friends,
trying to cheer him up a bit with liquid courrage, you know the deal.

at one point i had to open the floodgate and make the colossus cry, so i ask to go to the bathroom, while washing my hands i notice a sh*tload of beauty product, creams for every moment of the day, peeling and what not... don't think any of my gf had that much stuff but hey, whatever.

i go back downstair and ask him why his wife left all that stuff behind, and that's when he told me that no no, all that stuff was his ... :x

i'm not saying guys shouldn't take care of themselve, but when you got more grooming products than not only your gf/wife, but an instagram model when you're like 25yo and a dude, and at the same time over the top homophobic ... call me paranoid but i think he wasn't telling us the whole story lol

I think you're certainly reaching here. This tired old trope of 'the homophobe is actually just closeted" is so played out and lame. There are plenty of virulent homophobes that aren't hiding shit. They're still perefctly hetero. It's just ignorance (and in some cases hatred). Nothing more, nothing less.

 

[thatguy142]

You know it is interesting. I have been out since I was young. Back then I couldn't even hold a guys hand without getting into a physical altercation. Now a days you can pretty much do anything you want without fear. I see people that say homophobia this transphobia that, but only online. never in the real world. I don't know maybe it's because I don't go looking for problems, or maybe because I am secure in who I am to not give 2 caps about what strangers think of me, and this attack of white men is getting old. I don't buy for one second that only white people say things to you.

 

[ILoveGames48]

Why do a lot of people try to turn things into a racist or hate thing..

There can be 100 homophobic men in front of me and I can care less if they are white black Asian or whatever..

THEY have a right not to like us as gay men.. just like we have a right not to like them for being homophobic ..

Just let them think their ways you think yours and live life best can..

The only time I have an issue with a homophobic person is when they put their hands on me .. then I drop them and they learn just because I am gay doesn’t mean I am weak

 

[dreambridger]

maybe it's your area or your social circle? I haven't experienced homophobia from men for a very long time, not since I was much younger, and it was definitely from younger men. Seems as they grew up they developed enough confidence in their manhood that they no longer have to belittle gay guys in order to compensate. In my adulthood I've encountered much more homophobia from women.

Granted I'm not hanging out at golf clubs or churches or anything.

 

[HiddenHand]

I’ve definitely noticed that women are the pushers behind most if not all hardcore homophobia I’ve seen in my life.

I will also say that I think men get gayer as they get older. It just seems like every single guy I’ve known has tried to suck my dick. Or has talked about masturbation habits excessively, and been really insistent on wanting to discuss mine.

I think everybody on some level digs guys. I mean, the male is usually the more attractive of the two in the animal kingdom, cuz his drive is spread the seed as much as he can. I think that carries over to humans.

This part may make me sound ignorant or whatever, but my observation is that men who are attracted to men, is something that usually is Hard (haha) for them to resist. It’s a drive, just like the want to spread his seed. Just because a guy may not act on it (but most likely does in some form or another) doesn’t mean he isn’t thinking about it. Same with women and other women. The difference is that there are a lot of other reasons women become lesbians and I would say a lot of those aren’t necessarily an overwhelming attraction to women as it is an aversion to men.

It’s funny to me that lesbians seem to adhere to gender roles a lot moreso than gay men. If you go on TikTok, when most lesbians on there refer to “thirst trap” videos, it’s always of a women who looks like an attractive teenage boy, very masculine, fitted cap, mouthing the words to a 50 Cent song.

 

[deleted26601041]

Just my input, though it won’t really add to what’s been said.
I think the idea that all homophobes are secretly closeted or want to sleep with a man isn’t always the case.
I was bullied for being gay (even before I was out) in secondary school and that guy never gave off a secret gay vibe to me.
Plenty of guys I went to school with are straight, lads lads lads type of guys and most of them are settled with kids.
I know that isn’t a hard and fast rule but I sometimes think that some people just hate gay people just like people hate eggs because they think they taste disgusting.
I think the media is responsible for pushing the idea that an overtly homophobic man is secretly gay and in reality (at least in my experience) it’s not the case.
No guy has ever come onto me who was homophobic or used ‘gay’ as a slur.
I would also say that eye contact between two men in public can still be risky.
Generally, men are more likely to call you out on making eye contact with them and call you a gay boy or whatever.
I wouldn’t say that it’s a problem confined to straight white men, as lots of men can have homophobic views, regardless of ethnicity.
I suppose looking at porn habits may give you some insight, as porn consumption is secretive by nature, but then people can watch a plethora of genres and not be interested in that in real life. I’ve read before that lesbians sometimes watch gay male porn.
Everybody accepting one another without question is still a long way off, unfortunately.

 

[bigboaster]

I’ve definitely noticed that women are the pushers behind most if not all hardcore homophobia I’ve seen in my life.

What kind of examples are you referring to? It's been fairly well studied that men on average are more homophobic than women.

I will also say that I think men get gayer as they get older. It just seems like every single guy I’ve known since I was 15 or so has tried to suck my dick. Or has talked about masturbation habits excessively, and been really insistent on wanting to discuss mine.

What does "get gayer" mean? They were bisexual and lean more into the gay side later in life? Or are you suggesting they actually become "gay" after being previously straight?

I think everybody on some level digs guys. I mean, the male is usually the more attractive of the two in the animal kingdom, cuz his drive is spread the seed as much as he can. I think that carries over to humans.

There is no evidence to suggest this whatsoever. There are plenty of people not attracted to men and it's again pretty common than that women are considered the "fairer sex" and more sexualized of the 2 sexes anyway.

This part may make me sound ignorant or whatever, but my observation is that men who are attracted to men, is something that usually is Hard (haha) for them to resist. It’s a drive, just like the want to spread his seed. Just because a guy may not act on it (but most likely does in some form or another) doesn’t mean he isn’t thinking about it. Same with women and other women. The difference is that there are a lot of other reasons women become lesbians and I would say a lot of those aren’t necessarily an overwhelming attraction to women as it is an aversion to men.

Men are usually more visually turned on than women are and on average, men have higher sex drives as well. Men are also typically lower in impulse control, and high in "sensation seeking" behavior. So what you said just naturally tracks with that.

 

[bigboaster]

Just my input, though it won’t really add to what’s been said.
I think the idea that all homophobes are secretly closeted or want to sleep with a man isn’t always the case.
I was bullied for being gay (even before I was out) in secondary school and that guy never gave off a secret gay vibe to me.
Plenty of guys I went to school with are straight, lads lads lads type of guys and most of them are settled with kids.
I know that isn’t a hard and fast rule but I sometimes think that some people just hate gay people just like people hate eggs because they think they taste disgusting.
I think the media is responsible for pushing the idea that an overtly homophobic man is secretly gay and in reality (at least in my experience) it’s not the case.
No guy has ever come onto me who was homophobic or used ‘gay’ as a slur.

Absolutely agreed on this. It's simply an overplayed stereotype that doesn't have much basis in reality. People heavily influenced by confirmation bias see a couple examples of high profile public figures who happened to be secretly gay while engaging in homophobic behavior and have made a huge leap off of that.

I would also say that eye contact between two men in public still be risky.
Generally, men are more likely to call you out on making eye contact with them and call you a gay boy or whatever.
I wouldn’t say that it’s a problem confined to straight white men, as lots of men can have homophobic views, regardless of ethnicity.

Yes it's something you need to be careful of. Making sustained eye account can appear as either threatening or sexual depending on the context or the individual. Either one can get you in trouble with the wrong person on the other end.

and has already been stated, yes homophobia is not exhibited more by "straight white men".