How can I be better for my partner?

[ThrowAway623]

Hey guys, I'll try not to type too much.

I'm 24(M) in a relationship with another 24(M) for about a month, however, we'd been dating for the last 9 or so months. I'm his first boyfriend, he's my first boyfriend.

I've only been experimenting with guys for about a year and some change. Up until January 2023, I had only dated and done things with girls. So it's safe to say that on this side of things, I'm inexperienced as hell. Whereas he has at least 8 years of experience on me when it comes to doing with things with guys.

I've only had sex with five guys ever, including him. I've only topped two of them, including him too. But I don't think topping is for me. He's told me my stroke game is weak a couple of times, although when he's really turned on he'll ask me to put it in. He's right, it is weak cuz I don't know what I'm doing. Even with the girls I dated, I could never bust one while having sex. I'm guessing it's just performance anxiety combined with not knowing what I'm doing. With the other guy I topped before him, I actually started sweating from being so nervous (it was my first time), but he was cool about it, and let me flip over, and bottom for him.

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It goes without saying that I bottom whenever my boyfriend and I have sex although it's not TOO often. But I find myself having to lie my way out of bottoming or just saying no because it hurts when he puts it in. I've done it the last 3 or so times and he says it's ok and lets me get my nut, but I feel bad for denying him sex and being the only one to bust one sometimes. I clean out, watch what I eat, we use plenty of lube and foreplay, but even then, it still hurts. Although it does help when I'm on top then switch to a different position, when he goes deeper that's when the pain comes back. Don't get me wrong though, we've had a handful of great sessions here and there but it's not consistent and I want to change that.

He lets me jerk him off after we decide on no sex but 9 times outta 10, between him being long-winded as hell and me being inexperienced/my hand cramping up he often has to finish himself. It's just not fair in my eyes and I know he'll feel the same eventually. He tells me "It's ok" "We don't f-ck that often, that's why it hurts sometimes" "I rather pleasure you then be pleasured" etc. etc. but I know it's only a matter of time before he gets tired of it. I've seen his mood change when I deny him sex. How can I be a better bottom for him? A better sexual partner for him? I'm looking into plugs and dildos to practice with in my free time. Another thing that also helps is edibles and getting drunk since it helps me relax my mind but even then, there's no guarantee. I don't even know how to give him head right. I always finish when he gives me oral but never the other way around.

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The second thing is that the other day we were drunk and laying in bed when he told me that he was in the mood to be slutted out. Ever since we met he's told me that he likes being dominated since he often has to play the dominant/masculine role in public. After he said he was in the mood for that, we started doing some stuff but somehow someway it ended up with me bottoming for him and him doing some freaky stuff to me. It made me feel bad. I don't know how to slut him out, maybe it's a confidence thing. I've asked him before how I can be a better sexual partner for him and he says I just have to try new things and see what he responds to. I've tried that but I don't think I'm getting anywhere.

So the two issues are: Bottoming more consistently and letting him finish. And learning to "slut him out" which I think is an inexperience/confidence thing.

I don't know. I don't think I'm overthinking but I don't want him to lose interest since I'm denying him sex sometimes and struggling to be the sexual partner he wants. I like him and want to be better for him. Can someone please help me? Any advice is very appreciated. Thank you.

And I'm sorry for the long post!
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TL;DR: I'm inexperienced/not the most confident when it comes to doing things with guys. My boyfriend, who's experienced as hell, is often the top but a lot of times I don't let him finish/get far in because of the pain. Not only that, but he looks to be dominated and be submissive sometimes too but I have a hard time doing that because of the inexperience/low confidence. How can I be a better bottom and let him finish and also learn to dominate when I need to? Thank you

 

[ILoveGames48]

You know I kind of see sex with a man and a woman.. not really that much different from each other .. men suck on a woman’s tits .. and men suck on a man’s nipples.. both basically sucking on nipples and feels good ..

Kissing and making out pretty much same in my opinion..

When it comes to rimming… I’ve rimmed both men and women.. and there’s not really any differences ..

The main difference is one has a cock the other has a vagina ..

When you say he goes in more it hurts.. to me it’s kind of a hurts/ damn it feels great kind of feeling ..

Lube is a good thing.. just so the penis slides in better .. when he has his dick all the way inside you.. have him keep it there for few minutes .. so that your insides will adapt to his cock.. .. lube head of his dick thick so as he goes in the lube works its way deeper inside you ..

And tell him short strokes until you get used to it ..

I enjoy it when it hurts a little .. making me curl my toes and grab cover on bed or something as he screws me..


Last thing is relax and trust him.. if you do t relax then your muscles on the inside tighten up and makes it hurt more

 

[Brodie888]

A lot just comes down to getting more experience. Also paying attention to what he responds to and doing more of that. Especially things that make his dick harder.

You may have luck copying the things he does to you as he must think it would work for him.

If starting on top works for you, keep doing that. But try different variations, like facing toward and facing away, leaning way back and leaning forwards, mounting one leg instead of his waist, etc and build from there.

 

[Brodie888]

It's also important to identity what is painful and when. It will help people give more specific advice.

 

[ILoveGames48]

The thing is no matter if male or female when cock goes in that’s bigger than used to and longer it will maybe be a little light pain .. but it’s up to you to decide if the pain is pain or pleasure. Usually the pain is awesome as I enjoy it.. I usually figure when done if there’s no blood then it was just part of the fun

 

[Mattxxxxxxxx]

1st of all, you got to understand that you need to speak to your partner about how you feel without lies. If you can't do that safely, that's not your place and it's better to accept it NOW.
After speaking to him you can BOTH look for help because anything involving sex is a matter of the couple, not just you. It's not your fault, or your boyfriends.

As someone who is in a first relationship for both of us, I can assure you that you can both learn a way to enjoy your sex life. But you need communication.

Advice:
Don't force yourself to do something you don't want to, that way you'll only develop unconscious reject towards your partner and it will get harder in the future.

If you really want to bottom try intense foreplay, explore fantasies, use toys, and LOTS of lube.

Penetration is not supposed to last hours, if you're boyfriend has a hard time cumming you both can explore different ways to finish.

Most important, if your partner doesn't help you, understands you and involves in your sexual needs and that translates to bad sex, maybe that's not the place to be. And that goes both ways.

Communication and respect (for yourself and your partner) is the only key.

Lastly, don't look to be better for him. You should look to be better for yourself to enjoy yourself and then enjoy with him.

 

[Andrej_u]

It goes without saying that I bottom whenever my boyfriend and I have sex although it's not TOO often. But I find myself having to lie my way out of bottoming or just saying no because it hurts when he puts it in. I've done it the last 3 or so times and he says it's ok and lets me get my nut, but I feel bad for denying him sex and being the only one to bust one sometimes. I clean out, watch what I eat, we use plenty of lube and foreplay, but even then, it still hurts. Although it does help when I'm on top then switch to a different position, when he goes deeper that's when the pain comes back. Don't get me wrong though, we've had a handful of great sessions here and there but it's not consistent and I want to change that.

Does he have a strong and steady erection, or a "fluctuating" one?
If he has a steady one, you should try and spend some time with him inside you and without moving.

What I understand is that you manage to relax your hole, but you haven't got to relaxing deeper inside. Once he's inside, you should push out like if you're pooping (sorry, no nicer way to say it!) and slowly back up on him: it will help you relax, and it will hurt less. No pounding for a while, just very slow and deliberate movement! If he spends like 10-15 minutes inside you like this, you'll end up having a relaxed hole without even noticing.

 

[ILoveGames48]

I want to say this .. you asking what need to do to make your partner happier ..

This is something that you two need to talk about.. calmly without yelling at each other.. .. in order for a relationship has to work out it takes both of you to make things work.. sure you can get opinions of everyone else but deep down it’s all about you and your partner

I been with my partner for almost 4 years ( little over 3 1/2 ) and we talk about everything just to make sure things are ok and we aren’t doing anything to each other to upset one another..

It takes two to make it work

 

[Stephenmass]

Have him lie on his back and you lower yourself onto him so it's at YOUR pace instead of his. Take more of it when you are ready (if you get there). Trying to switch up positions until you find one that's comfortable for you sometimes helps. Regarding his submissive side and wanting you to take him occasionally, sometimes tbh you can't be what you are not and that is dominant. Or if you are willing to let go of your insecurities and just go crazy on him you may find you are better than you think. Stop overthinking everything. Do the best you can and let go of your insecurities. When you are bottoming you have to figure out when it hurts. Maybe not enough prep time, maybe not enough letting him leave it deep until your hole adjusts (if it does?) etc. Plenty of lube as well. Also, make sure you don't have internal hemorrhoids or something like that. That would make it painful for anyone. If it starts to get painful and nothing is wrong there, perhaps it's time to relube as it does dry up. A good silicone lube vs a water lube is longer lasting and provides more "slip" inside. Open communication is the key and don't blame either side. He needs to express his concerns, but you need to express yours as well.