Husband cheated on me, should I do the same?

[ttomjbyt04]

My husband cheated on me with several hook ups on Grindr. He put me at risk as he had unprotected sex with several men and one partner he met with quite regularly. I obviously found out and we have been trying to work through it and are still together.

I am finding it very difficult to forgive and forget but I have a big urge in me to hook up & have some fun myself behind his back.

I feel that it would make me feel better and I want to have some excitement too!

I have actually been chatting to a couple of the guys he hooked up with and nearly arranged to meet them! Is this insane?

Has anyone ever been in the situation and what would you do? Thanks

 

[isle]

This is difficult but as someone who has been with a partner for 45 yrs in a monogamous relationship perhaps I can offer some insight......but when trying to resolve a problem means you have to be very HONEST about yourself not easy .

Firstly did you and your partner make it CRYSTAL l clear what you both wanted from the union including sexual activity from the outset....usually people make assumptions what their partner expects /wants believing it is the same as what they want it often is not ??

Maybe your partner may want a more open relationship .....it is important to check in about the rules/expectations agreed throughout a relationship.....People change and things that might have been once a definite NO might in fact aid the duration of the relationship or improve it but you will not know unless you are open and honest with each other.

If you are deeply hurt by his sexual activity with others then how does it help to want to do the same ......you can NO longer stand in judgement can You if your behaviour becomes the same.

I think though that you Answer your own question..."I want to have some excitement it will make me feel better "
Usually a relationship does not just break down because of infidelities they are usually a symptom of something more major within the relationship.....this is where You have been honest with yourself and really look at your partner, You and the life you are living.
People either grow together or grow apart it is hard but a sad fact but do not make excuses for what You want to do by that I mean don't make your partners mistakes your way out or something you may have entertained whatever your an adult make a choice and do it but don't blame another for what you want to do .
A relationship that is worth saving means both parties work very hard to make it work in fact being in a long term relationship means you have to work at it, it involves commitment if it really matters to both parties .

I wish You and your partner all the best for the future wether that is apart or together

 

[ttomjbyt04]

This is difficult but as someone who has been with a partner for 45 yrs in a monogamous relationship perhaps I can offer some insight......but when trying to resolve a problem means you have to be very HONEST about yourself not easy .

Firstly did you and your partner make it CRYSTAL l clear what you both wanted from the union including sexual activity from the outset....usually people make assumptions what their partner expects /wants believing it is the same as what they want it often is not ??

Maybe your partner may want a more open relationship .....it is important to check in about the rules/expectations agreed throughout a relationship.....People change and things that might have been once a definite NO might in fact aid the duration of the relationship or improve it but you will not know unless you are open and honest with each other.

If you are deeply hurt by his sexual activity with others then how does it help to want to do the same ......you can NO longer stand in judgement can You if your behaviour becomes the same.

I think though that you Answer your own question..."I want to have some excitement it will make me feel better "
Usually a relationship does not just break down because of infidelities they are usually a symptom of something more major within the relationship.....this is where You have been honest with yourself and really look at your partner, You and the life you are living.
People either grow together or grow apart it is hard but a sad fact but do not make excuses for what You want to do by that I mean don't make your partners mistakes your way out or something you may have entertained whatever your an adult make a choice and do it but don't blame another for what you want to do .
A relationship that is worth saving means both parties work very hard to make it work in fact being in a long term relationship means you have to work at it, it involves commitment if it really matters to both parties .

I wish You and your partner all the best for the future wether that is apart or together

Hello thank you so much for your reply. We are married and there was no agreement for any openness to our relationship.

After the cheating was found out I did ask if he would prefer an open relationship but he did not like the idea of that.

We have been working through it for about 1.5 years and I am still not ready to forgive.

Completely understand that if I did cheat myself that it makes me no better.

Maybe we need to look again at our relationship. Thank you so much

 

[dreamer20]

My husband cheated with several Grindr hook ups. He had unprotected sex with several men & one regular partner. I found out & we're still together.
Very difficult to forgive and forget. I feel hook up fun behind his back would make me feel excited/ better. Is this insane?
Has anyone ever been in this situation? WWYD?

I'll refer to what he did as secret sex. True forgiveness means you won't engage in this same practice for revenge. Going forward, you both should use safe sex and get tested for STDs, as opposed to engaging in unprotected sex with multiple people. With no more secrets, you two must commit to either monogamy or an open relationship.

 

[ttomjbyt04]

I'll refer to what he did as secret sex. True forgiveness means you won't engage in this same practice for revenge. Going forward, you both should use safe sex and get tested for STDs, as opposed to engaging in unprotected sex with multiple people. With no more secrets, you two must commit to either monogamy or an open relationship.

Getting us both checked was the first thing I did, both luckily all clear.

Yes it is probably a stupid idea on my account and I don’t think I could go through with it in all honesty.

Thanks

 

[branleur]

Are you better than him is?

 

[ttomjbyt04]

Are you better than him is?

Am I better than him?

 

[Rooker]

Cut him loose or forgive him. Make that decision ASAP.

 

[chrisrobin]

What would you achieve doing the same thing, having sex outside your relationship? Payback time?
If that's the case maybe you should look at your relationship again.

 

[AsherStClaire]

My husband cheated on me with several hook ups on Grindr. He put me at risk as he had unprotected sex with several men and one partner he met with quite regularly. I obviously found out and we have been trying to work through it and are still together.

I am finding it very difficult to forgive and forget but I have a big urge in me to hook up & have some fun myself behind his back.

I feel that it would make me feel better and I want to have some excitement too!

I have actually been chatting to a couple of the guys he hooked up with and nearly arranged to meet them! Is this insane?

Has anyone ever been in the situation and what would you do? Thanks

1) yes, this is insane, all of it. Literally all of it.
2) the fact that this man repeatedly put you in harms way while simultaneously disrespecting your wedding vows and divorce wasn't an option in your post is...telling/incredibly concerning.
3) The fact that you're trying to hookup with the people that your husband put you at risk with is again, insane.

 

[ttomjbyt04]

1) yes, this is insane, all of it. Literally all of it.
2) the fact that this man repeatedly put you in harms way while simultaneously disrespecting your wedding vows and divorce wasn't an option in your post is...telling/incredibly concerning.
3) The fact that you're trying to hookup with the people that your husband put you at risk with is again, insane.

I completely agree!!! The situation is absolutely insane and making me think insane thoughts.

I was going to leave him.

We have tired to work it out but a year and a half later I’m still not over it. Think it’s time to think for myself.

Thanks

 

[Infernal]

Love is a messy emotion and sometimes makes us do irrational things. You already realize that cheating on him won't improve things and will probably be the final straw that destroys your relationship. You should sit down and examine your feelings and see what you want for your future. If cheating is still on your mind a year and a half later, then you might be subconsciously looking for a way to sabotage it so you have a reason to leave. If that's the case, you should sit together and figure it out. If you feel you can't forgive him, then admit it. Shake hands, call it a day, and go on with your lives separately. If you can forgive him, then work on it. Tell him what you need from him in both words and actions. Ask him what he needs from you in return. Is there something he's missing that drove him to make that choice? He said he doesn't want an open relationship, yet behaves otherwise. There has to be a reason for that. People don't cheat by accident. You have a lot of work to do. Hopefully, it isn't too late for you both.

 

[Sagittarius84]

Revenge cheating in general is a bad idea, specifically for women and by proxy gay men by how they tend to choose affair partners; I think revenge cheating creates more problems that it solves(I think there's an exception for straight men only, I'll clarify if asked), unless purposefully done in a certain way; to which I don't think most parties have the self discipline.
So that being said, do not revenge cheat... But, if you insist on getting your lick back, then resist the urge to one up by getting with someone "better". Aim for shorter, less attractive, less sexual prowess, etc., the only violation your partner should have to endure(assuming this is all to teach a lesson and resume the marriage) is you having sex with another. They can't be better at it, a better relationship prospect, anything, just a gross itch you have to scratch, but would obviously rather not....

That's the real irony, the only probable successful revenge cheat(again if the aim is to retain your partner) is the cheat you don't want to do...because the cheat you do want to do will ruin your relationship, from your perspective, or his...if not both.

 

[sociallyanxious]

Revenge by cheating is the worst possible thing you could do. If you're cheating, then you're no different from your cheating partner. It is a difficult pill to swallow knowing your husband did something atrocious like that, but please calm down and think this through. I'm no expert in a relationship or let alone be in one. For what it's worth, I've seen some people can forgive their partner for cheating and some can't. I believe you're the latter. I suggest you to confront him about it, but not in a hostile manner and talk this through. If you feel like his behavior of cheating will never change, then the worst possible option to file for divorce.

You'd probably feel better after sleeping with the same person your partner cheated with, but post-nut clarity would probably took over and you'd be frustrated later on. If you want to have some fun, maybe do talk to him first and decide from there which action both of you are going to take. Cheating is disgusting, that's for sure and I'm so sorry you have to go through that. I hope you'll heal and find someone who will love you with all their being without batting an eye to someone else. Good luck!

 

[Magnus1998]

Try to find out what's in your husband's head. I am convinced that the relationship between men are very different than with women, and a fling is no reason to end a relationship as long as the love is still there. Was this simply transactional? A lot of men treat sex like a fist bump, and it means nothing. Is this regular guy a means to just blow off some steam? I could understand that. Perhaps you should join them? Or maybe it's something deeper in his head... Does he feel like he's aging-out? Did he want to confirm that he's still attractive? Did he need to experience the lust that comes with a new fuck? Is there something happening in your relationship that might need to be addressed? I don't think that a revenge fuck is the right answer. But if you feel the need to confirm your own sexuality and attractiveness, then go for it. But if you do, it will further change your relationship that's already on thin ice. And it might be for the better if you go into it in the right mindset.

 

[SpeciousCloud]

It sounds to me like you actually may want to experience sexually with someone else and use the "he did it to me first" as an excuse.

If that's not the case, and you ONLY want to do it because he's done it to you, then this will not fix anything. It will still hurt, it will still haunt you, and even when you think you forgot and all is good...it will creep back into your mind when you least expect it. There will always be "triggers" in situations like these.

So you either forgive and move on together, working to rebuild the trust that was shattered. Or dig deeper and maybe find out that monogamy may not be for him, and possibly even for you (at this time).

 

[Doubtfire]

Your husband doesn’t like the idea of an open relationship, but cheated on you with multiple people in an ongoing fashion? Leave him. Clearly he doesn’t take your marriage seriously. Either he has a sex addiction and needs help, or he doesn’t value you as a human being… period. If it’s the latter, after a period of faithfulness to regain your trust he will continue to cheat. Again, that’s not love, and he takes you for granted. Why bother with someone like that. A sociopath and narcissist