Instead of cheating, why not just leave?

[AllieHeidi]

Make it make sense? There is no good reason to remain and cheat. Not even "for the kids." As a product of a broken/dysfunctional home, trust me, we'd rather you just split up because the tension and vitriol is easily picked up on by the kids. So, no, "staying for the kids" is not a good reason. If either party is not happy or not getting something out of the relationship, the next logical step is to leave.

I'm reminded of a VH1 Behind the Music episode from two decades ago that featured TLC where Left-Eye expressed that she was "totally, 100% against 'Creep.'" Her thoughts:

Instead of tellilng her to cheat back, why don't we tell her to just leave?

That part.

Source:

I ask, once again, why not leave?

Edit: Or, at least in Left-Eye's case, burn the house down in retaliation? (kidding)

 

[Infernal]

Misery loves company. When you’ve been unhappy for a long time the thought of leaving can be more frightening than staying in an unhappy relationship.

 

[Evenflow618]

Yep totally I left a relationship because my ex made me unhappy at the same time I had a new woman in my bed. So I broke it off and moved on. Its a lose lose situation for everybody if you stay and be a coward. A lot of people just don’t have the integrity to leave because they want the best of both worlds but you can’t have your cake and eat it too.

 

[AllieHeidi]

the thought of leaving can be more frightening than staying in an unhappy relationship.

How and why is it more frightening? In what ways?

I think it's already well-established that most cheaters are weak and cowardly, but I'm referring to specifics, here. What could possibly be more frightening than staying in an unhappy relationship? That, to me, sounds like a nightmare.

I will acknowledge my biases here because I despise cheaters for very personal reasons (it destroys families and mental health). I also, though, tend to leave very quickly at even the slightest sign of trouble and don't "fight" for a relationship. It doesn't take much for me to leave. At all. It could be boredom. I will leave.

 

[Infernal]

How and why is it more frightening? In what ways?

For some people, their aversion to change is so strong that facing the unknown is worse than staying in a bad relationship. When misery is what you've known for a long time there is a familiarity to it. . The unhappiness itself becomes a comfort zone. Emotions aren't logical or rational and love is the most unpredictable and irrational one we have. People do stupid things to hold onto their version of love. For some people that means staying in an unhealthy relationship far longer than they should. The rest of us give them the side eye and silently scream for them to leave the fucker that treats them so badly, but it won't happen until they want to.

 

[AllieHeidi]

For some people, their aversion to change is so strong that facing the unknown is worse than staying in a bad relationship. When misery is what you've known for a long time there is a familiarity to it. . The unhappiness itself becomes a comfort zone. Emotions aren't logical or rational and love is the most unpredictable and irrational one we have. People do stupid things to hold onto their version of love. For some people that means staying in an unhealthy relationship far longer than they should. The rest of us give them the side eye and silently scream for them to leave the fucker that treats them so badly, but it won't happen until they want to.

I get that. But what about those who cheat when they're not being treated badly? What's their problem? Narcissism with a dash of sociopathy? Probably.

 

[MisterB]

The issue of cheating for ME is a dealbreaker. We agree to an exclusive relationship and I learn you are cheating? Bye!

For a lot of other people, not so much.

Reading around the site, there are all sorts of threads about cheating. Like how if you are a "straight" guy married to a woman and you are getting sex/head from another guy, that's not cheating. Nor is it gay, lol.
In my mind, if your dick gets hard with another person? Cheating.

It's hard to say why others cheat or decide to stay with a cheater.

All I know is I learned a long time ago that I can't control other people or their behavior.

And that each person will decide what's best for any relational situation they may face. I may not agree, but I'm not them.

 

[Infernal]

I get that. But what about those who cheat when they're not being treated badly? What's their problem? Narcissism with a dash of sociopathy? Probably.

Thats just a horrible personality full of failures on many levels.

 

[Sagittarius84]

I don't condone cheating, but I have empathy for the circumstances people find themselves in that motivate them to cheat. Specifically for men(involved with women) legal matters surrounding divorce and child court are major incentives for them to secretly get their needs met, as opposed to being upfront as such honesty has little to no bearing in protecting him in divorce court. People are spiteful, and I think a lot of people have a very euphemistic view of how anybody(especially women) deals with rejection, and whether or not that response will leave the honest party at a net positive after the fact. I'm all about incentivization, so if faced with a guilty conscience to maintain a family structure, vs socioeconomic ruin, a lessened ability to attract a new partner, and a higher propensity for depression and self deletion, I don't think it's right, but I can see why cheating would be the more attractive prospect.

I think the unfortunate truth in the grand scheme of things is, if we looked back into our family histories, you'd find that cheating(non disclosed) has probably preserved much more family legacy and communities than the modern approach which is typically leave first.

 

[Sagittarius84]

I get that. But what about those who cheat when they're not being treated badly? What's their problem? Narcissism with a dash of sociopathy? Probably.

Have you ever considered delving as to why you think that way? What do you percieve as being treated "badly"? What if the treatment isn't bad but insufficient? Would I be accurate in calling a SAHM narcissistic and sociopathic if she sought employment to offset what her husband is unable or unwilling to earn towards the household she wants, even if the existing household still provides the necessities? Or would it upon her to balance her desire to bring more money into the household, and uphold her household responsibilities, to which the breadwinner husband can either up his game to make it unnecessary, or accept that the other auspices of the relationship(short of him being the sole provider) are being upheld and there's little room for him to complain?

 

[Nick Briggs]

Outlier opinion on the topic...

For me Love =/= Sex. But carries with it the contradiction that I'm in no way for Open Relationships. Call it a sick and twisted mental game if you wish, because it pretty much is.... but like I said, very much an outlier opinion. So here goes...

Cheating to me means...
1. -- That you're in an accepted to be exclusive relationship

2. -- You're having sexual fun outside of said relationship

3. --
a. -- Falling for said other person beyond your partner, and or the outside fun is drawing you away from your relationship partner

b. -- You and the person you're fooling around with are incapable of keeping your mouths shut about your actions and or keep it 100% secret and seperated from effecting your normal lives in all forms imaginable. (Getting caught in any way shape or form factor / things changing inside your current relationship to accommodate your outside fun)

So... with my version of what I'd call Cheating, the sex isn't the primary issue. The main issue in my mind comes when the person doing the sexual stuff beyond their relationship does it, and then loses even 1% of feelings for their current partner, or want to leave their partner for said other person they're fooling around with. And.... they can't keep their actions away and 100% hidden and able to do it and have it NOT effect their current relationship in anyway shape or form. No love lost, no changing of schedules, etc etc.... if you can't do the deed and prevent those factors... cheating.

If it's hidden for all time like it never even happened, doesn't effect the relationship you're in or cause the feelings of said relationship to change at all... not Cheating to me because it's 100% as if it never even happened.

If my lady had done this behind my back I'd never wanna know, never. So long as no STD's are brought to me or my family, she loved me still 100% and i could tell nothing changed... and nothing changed at all 100% about our lives and it was totally hidden. I'd never wanna know. Because yes I'd be hurt to find out. Hence why I prefaced it with "it's a contradiction and definitely a sick and twisted take on it".

The other side of the coin where I said sex doesn't equal love. It just doesn't to me even if I would be hurt to find out the woman was banging some dude behind my back. It more means that I could literally live a sexless relationship so long as all the other factors of love were there. The cute stuff, the kissy kissy stuff, cuddling, can't live without that person factors. Those are all totally separate to me away from sex which I only see as for fun / pleasure / kid making. Sex or the amount of sex I'm having or not having means nothing about how much I do or do not love my partner once the feeling of "true love" has been established and is in place.

Why would people even want to cheat and stay?

For me it's what I described above... being "put into action". I wouldn't be fucking the other girls because I loved them, or wanted to leave my partner for them. I'd just be banging them because they're hott, trustworthy girls, or good friends that I find to be sexy and wanna fuck. On the occasions that I have banged outside of relationships I've been in, it was never coming with any emotions or feelings attached to it beyond the ultimate form of friendship. And in no way made me ever WANT to leave my current partner even if the sex became a more than once "itch scratch / why the hell not, so it once and get it over with" thing.

If I ever started to lose feelings for my current partner because of my outside fun, then it was going too far and it had to end... (Never happened for me, so that was never an issue, and never got caught *shrugs* call me lucky or call me just being smart about it)

Still loved the girl as much as I ever did before and after, or after the 5th time haha. Why would I ever give up an amazing and love-filled relationship for some pussy.

But yep.... that's my version of "Why would I stay if I'm going to or already am fucking other people"

Because love and sex aren't hand in hand to me, even if I am against open relationships and don't condone them.

I know my thoughts on it are sick and twisted to the conventional ideology of "relationship".... but that's how it is and my "how I could".

Take it for what you will.

 

[erpap]

if you’re cheating because you don’t love the person anymore then have some consideration for them and let them know and end it. If you’re cheating because the relationship is old and you need the excitement of someone new. Tell your partner so they can go and get some excitement too. Maybe they feel the same way but don’t do it out of respect and love.

 

[halcyondays]

Biology rules. It's not in our genes.

Our species does not instinctually form lifetime or even long term exclusive pair bonds. If we did we'd bond with the first person with whom we mated and never look anywhere else, fantasize anyone else, lust after anyone else or question the choice we made in a partner.

Millions of animal species. A relative handful form lifetime exclusive pair bonds. Not ours.

It's fighting five million years of hominid evolution including at least 300,000 years of human evolution to think and behave otherwise.

Need more evidence? If we instinctually formed exclusive lifetime pair bonds there would be no need for the religious taboo--the death penalty--for any sexual activity outside of a lifetime exclusive pair bond and a heterosexual one at that.

Give up the myths--religious, romantic, cultural and social--which bind you to this illusion. Accept this of yourself and of other human beings. It's who and what we are. Broken family? You can choose to love them anyway or always be bitter about it. What's your pleasure? Which is easier?

 

[AllieHeidi]

I don't condone cheating, but I have empathy for the circumstances people find themselves in that motivate them to cheat. Specifically for men(involved with women) legal matters surrounding divorce and child court are major incentives for them to secretly get their needs met, as opposed to being upfront as such honesty has little to no bearing in protecting him in divorce court. People are spiteful, and I think a lot of people have a very euphemistic view of how anybody(especially women) deals with rejection, and whether or not that response will leave the honest party at a net positive after the fact. I'm all about incentivization, so if faced with a guilty conscience to maintain a family structure, vs socioeconomic ruin, a lessened ability to attract a new partner, and a higher propensity for depression and self deletion, I don't think it's right, but I can see why cheating would be the more attractive prospect.

Ok. In other words...

it's already well-established that most cheaters are weak and cowardly

Got it.

I think the unfortunate truth in the grand scheme of things is, if we looked back into our family histories, you'd find that cheating(non disclosed) has probably preserved much more family legacy and communities than the modern approach which is typically leave first.

On both my maternal and paternal sides, basically, everyone is divorced. I have never seen a happy, healthy, stable marriage in my family. Ever.

Have you ever considered delving as to why you think that way?

Nope.

 

[AllieHeidi]

Biology rules. It's not in our genes.

Nah.

Give up the myths--religious, romantic, cultural and social--which bind you to this illusion. Accept this of yourself and of other human beings. It's who and what we are.

No thanks.

Which is easier?

Being perpetually bitter and pissed off about it, honestly. It's become my comfort zone, I suppose.

 

[AllieHeidi]

I know my thoughts on it are sick and twisted to the conventional ideology of "relationship".... but that's how it is and my "how I could".

At least you're owning it, per your explanation. Respect.

 

[elklindoxxx]

Well it depends.........my partner would never accept that I go with other men.

So me and the guys organize our football parties, usually every other Sunday. So it will not attract any attention. So it's basically get naked and dicks are working. I've been there with 1/2 dozen fit guys with hard dicks working away. I'm not going to turn down the chance to be with 1/2 hunks.

My partner satisfies me in a way a woman can...but she can't satisfy me as man could. So I wouldn't leave her for that reason.

 

[AllieHeidi]

Well it depends.........my partner would never accept that I go with other men.

So me and the guys organize our football parties, usually every other Sunday. So it will not attract any attention. So it's basically get naked and dicks are working. I've been there with 1/2 dozen fit guys with hard dicks working away. I'm not going to turn down the chance to be with 1/2 hunks.

My partner satisfies me in a way a woman can...but she can't satisfy me as man could. So I wouldn't leave her for that reason.

No shade, but this entire post is one of the main reasons why the vast majority of women prefer not to (knowingly) date bisexual men.

 

[Sagittarius84]

Have you ever considered delving as to why you think that way?

Nope

On both my maternal and paternal sides, basically, everyone is divorced. I have never seen a happy, healthy, stable marriage in my family. Ever.

Thanks for answering my question while trying not to. Between this and the unfortunate penetration issues you face, you have to see yourself as an outlier; and exception to the rule whose opinion is moot when it pertains to the average person. I'm not saying your opinion doesn't matter, but I don't believe your particular set of circumstances allows you to have a comprehensive or well thought out notion of how to have a healthy relationship, sexual or otherwise. And given how many masculine lesbian complaints about dating ciswomen are starting to mirror those of heterosexual men, not to mention the oft downplayed higher propensity for domestic violence, avoiding men as a remedy is the real bandaid on the bullet wound.

 

[Sagittarius84]

No shade, but this entire post is one of the main reasons why the vast majority of women prefer not to (knowingly) date bisexual men.

Perhaps then you could tell us why that same majority of women look down upon men who judge a woman for her sexual past? Seems a bit hypocritical to me...