Instead of cheating, why not just leave?

[halcyondays]

Being perpetually bitter and pissed off about it, honestly. It's become my comfort zone, I suppose.

Fair enough.

 

[AllieHeidi]

Thanks for answering my question while trying not to.

I didn't "try not to answer your question." I answered the question you asked appropriately. I have not considered "delving into finding out why" because I already know why. I just don't happen to care why. Thus, the answer to your question is a resounding "nope."

Between this and the unfortunate penetration issues you face, you have to see yourself as an outlier; and exception to the rule whose opinion is moot when it pertains to the average person.

One having a sexual dysfunction does not automatically disqualify them from being able to identify the harm that cheating in a relationship causes and why it is best to avoid the practice. It also does not mean someone doesn't know how to have a relationship. This was an unnecessary, and frankly irrelevent, personal jab that I suspect you absolutely could not wait to incorporate into this discussion.

Perhaps then you could tell us why that same majority of women look down upon men who judge a woman for her sexual past? Seems a bit hypocritical to me...

I can't answer that question. I am not them. And to be fair, I judge everyone for their sexual pasts. And that judgement is regulated by my own personal beliefs and boundaries. You know. Similar to most people.

 

[HorseHung40's]

I have posted extensively about the numerous, random and planned sexual encounters that I have had, and, enjoyed. Also, I have posted that I am married, albeit in a sexless marriage, and, have three sons still living at home. My wife, too, may be having sex on the side; however, I don't care either way, if that is indeed happening.

Having read this, some of you may be asking yourself: Why has he not separated, or, divorced?

This is a valid question; however, that is no one's business but those in my family and those, who would be adversely affected by a separation.

I will say this though: Sometimes life happens.

Had I known that my marriage would have ended up sexless all those years ago, I would have married someone else or remained single. However, I am where I am. It is sometimes easier to remain with the status quo than it is to change. This is my view of my marital situation.

 

[AllieHeidi]

I have posted extensively about the numerous, random and planned sexual encounters that I have had, and, enjoyed. Also, I have posted that I am married, albeit in a sexless marriage, and, have three sons still living at home. My wife, too, may be having sex on the side; however, I don't care either way, if that is indeed happening.

Having read this, some of you may be asking yourself: Why has he not separated, or, divorced?

This is a valid question; however, that is no one's business but those in my family and those, who would be adversely affected by a separation.

I will say this though: Sometimes life happens.

Had I known that my marriage would have ended up sexless all those years ago, I would have married someone else or remained single. However, I am where I am. It is sometimes easier to remain with the status quo than it is to change. This is my view of my marital situation.

...

Make sure you have this track on stand-by to underscore the inevitable apology.

 

[Infernal]

Biology rules. It's not in our genes.

True, but we are also capable of rational thought. Monogamy is a choice we make. Cheating is also a choice we make. I just don't buy the idea that making a personal commitment to another person can be completely overridden by your reproductive organs and your brain has no say in the matter.

 

[MisterB]

True, but we are also capable of rational thought. Monogamy is a choice we make. Cheating is also a choice we make. I just don't buy the idea that making a personal commitment to another person can be completely overridden by your reproductive organs and your brain has no say in the matter.

^^^This^^^

If the relationship is/was established as monogamous, that's what both parties agreed to. And for those who believe/know they may not be able to be monogamous, then don't agree to such.

Or as a friend put it many years ago: Just because I'm on a diet doesn't mean I can't look at the menu.

 

[Infernal]

Or as a friend put it many years ago: Just because I'm on a diet doesn't mean I can't look at the menu.

who cares where you get your appetite as long as you eat at home.

 

[halcyondays]

True, but we are also capable of rational thought. Monogamy is a choice we make. Cheating is also a choice we make. I just don't buy the idea that making a personal commitment to another person can be completely overridden by your reproductive organs and your brain has no say in the matter.

Well my largest reproductive organ is not my genitalia. It's my brain. It is the instinctive organ which tells me what attractive is. It knows what it likes when it sees it. Substitute "our" for "my" brain if we're talking about our species as a whole.

To blame genitalia for what the brain does is not true. Proof for this is genitalia disconnected from the brain by spinal cord injury. The brain is still sexually attracted to whomever it finds attractive and gonads keep producing hormones but genitals themselves no longer function.

Saying men are led by their dicks or women are led by their ovaries is just crass though humorous when not taken seriously. Brains lead. Genitalia follow.

You are so right when you say making a personal commitment to another person can't be completely overridden. Love triangles prove that. So do people who violate an exclusive commitment without leaving or divorcing. So do people who can't help being in love with more than one person at once.

As for rational thought an old canard comes to mind:

This is love not logic.

 

[AllieHeidi]

If the relationship is/was established as monogamous, that's what both parties agreed to. And for those who believe/know they may not be able to be monogamous, then don't agree to such.

It seems like such a simple concept that borders on being remedial. If you know you can't commit to something, don't agree to it in the first place. This applies to life, in general. No one likes a flake.

 

[MisterB]

It seems like such a simple concept that borders on being remedial. If you know you can't commit to something, don't agree to it in the first place. This applies to life, in general. No one likes a flake.

It does seem like a very simple concept, as it really is about keeping one's word. A commitment. A promise.

To be monogamous.

However it seems that some people struggle with keeping their word. About so much these days.

 

[halcyondays]

It does seem like a very simple concept, as it really is about keeping one's word. A commitment. A promise.

To be monogamous.

However it seems that some people struggle with keeping their word. About so much these days.

What's simple is understanding something as basic as people making a promise in advance thinking they can keep it but later discovering they cannot.

People are human, not perfect.

To expect or demand perfection is simply naive.

 

[MisterB]

What's simple is understanding something as basic as people making a promise in advance thinking they can keep it but later discovering they cannot.

People are human, not perfect.

To expect or demand perfection is simply naive.

I don't see one keeping one's word as demanding anything.

Other than being the right thing to do.

Otherwise, why give your word if you can't or won't keep it?

Not all of us struggle with that concept...

 

[halcyondays]

I don't see one keeping one's word as demanding anything.

Other than being the right thing to do.

Otherwise, why give your word if you can't or won't keep it?

Not all of us struggle with that concept...

So you've never broken a promise? I find that hard to believe.

 

[MisterB]

So you've never broken a promise? I find that hard to believe.

Not that I can remember; but then I remember my Mother telling me at a tender age "don't make promises you can't keep". Wise words from a wise woman that I've not forgotten.

That's why I seldom make promises. But when I do, like when I promised my Hubby almost 45 years ago that I would be faithful, I can say that I've kept that promise.

But that doesn't mean that there aren't a lot of folks like me who have promised to be monogamous. And kept that promise.

I get that monogamy doesn't work for everyone. For you. I think it's great that you know who you are. Like I know myself.

I've known that since I was young when my first two live-in loves weren't monogamous but promised they would be. And that's why I ended the relationships. They lied.

Which is why another piece of sage advice my Mother imparted on me was to remember that it's always better to tell the truth. You never forget the truth. But you do struggle to remember lies.

 

[alexjeft154]

Yep totally I left a relationship because my ex made me unhappy at the same time I had a new woman in my bed. So I broke it off and moved on. Its a lose lose situation for everybody if you stay and be a coward. A lot of people just don’t have the integrity to leave because they want the best of both worlds but you can’t have your cake and eat it too.

explanation

 

[halcyondays]

Not that I can remember; but then I remember my Mother telling me at a tender age "don't make promises you can't keep". Wise words from a wise woman that I've not forgotten.

That's why I seldom make promises. But when I do, like when I promised my Hubby almost 45 years ago that I would be faithful, I can say that I've kept that promise.

But that doesn't mean that there aren't a lot of folks like me who have promised to be monogamous. And kept that promise.

I get that monogamy doesn't work for everyone. For you. I think it's great that you know who you are. Like I know myself.

I've known that since I was young when my first two live-in loves weren't monogamous but promised they would be. And that's why I ended the relationships. They lied.

Which is why another piece of sage advice my Mother imparted on me was to remember that it's always better to tell the truth. You never forget the truth. But you do struggle to remember lies.

To the best of your recollection you've never broken a promise and you always tell the truth. Got it. You are prefect.

Has your husband ever cheated on you? If not how would you know for sure? Can you know it for sure?

You say you've never cheated on him but if you have and he's on this site or knows you're on this site you could not answer honestly without him finding out could you? Would you?

How about your mother? She ever lie to you? About anything? How about your mate? Or all they all perfect too?

 

[MisterB]

To the best of your recollection you've never broken a promise and you always tell the truth.

Yup.

Got it.

Yay!

You are prefect.

Thanks!

Has your husband ever cheated on you?

Nope.

If not how would you know for sure?

Because he's a man of his word.

Can you know it for sure?

Yup.

You say you've never cheated on him

Correct.

but if you have and he's on this site or knows you're on this site you could not answer honestly without him finding out could you? Would you?

This is a what-if situation that doesn't apply to me.

How about your mother?

Wonderful woman.

She ever lie to you?

Not that I know of.

About anything?

Not that I know of.

How about your mate?

Not that I know of. Well maybe that one time he told me I was still cute when he was holding my hair (when I still had it, lol) out of my eyes whilst I was praying to the porcelain throne gods, lol.

Or all they all perfect too?

My Mother was perfect in my eyes.

My Husband is pretty damn near perfect. Other than remembering to put stuff back where he found it after he uses it!

 

[AllieHeidi]

It seems disingenuous to suggest that what is being argued for here is "a demand for perfection" when in reality it is a demand for mere honesty. Cheating is dishonest. It's also avoidable.

In a monogamous relationship and having problems and/or unhappy? Communicate with your partner. Partner not willing to resolve problems or at the very least meet you halfway to do so? Leave. There is absolutely no reason to lie to them, go behind their back, and cheat. That shows a lack of character, integrity, and cowardice. Be an adult and have an adult conversation.

 

[bar4doug]

I ask, once again, why not leave?

Money.

Some people may loathe the person their sharing quarters with, but simply cannot afford to leave. Housing costs money. Some people fight their own "War of the Roses".

 

[halcyondays]

Cheating is dishonest. It's also avoidable.

Agreed. But expecting people not to make mistakes--not to be human--is not human and inhumane.