Interested in a guy at summer school who feels "unattainable"

[JenniferJo]

Hi, I have been studying a couple math courses at a community college this summer, and there is one 22-year-old guy in my class (I am 20) who is super-attractive, so I have been checking him out quite a lot ever since we started.
The problem is that he is so good-looking that all other girls have been actively flirting a lot with him this whole time, and I often see some of the girls sit and give him romantic and flirty looks during the lessons, and it is very clear that they are very interested in him;
there have also been occasions when some of them have invited him to weekend parties, although I am not sure how he has responded to those invitations (I only remember him smiling a bit a bit, and looking as if he liked being invited).
I have heard from a guy who knows him a bit that he has had girlfriends in the past, but that he apparently lays very low with that nowadays.
Do you know how I should approach this guy?
I am not sure what "lay low" is supposed to mean, but I do of course hope that he is somewhat receptive, hah.

 

[deleted8538041]

He is unattainable to you because you haven’t tried to speak to him. Why not have a conversation?

 

[JenniferJo]

He is unattainable to you because you haven’t tried to speak to him. Why not have a conversation?

Yes, I have just been unsure what to say to him, and it feels as if the other girls will always distract him.
But I will give it a try on our next lesson.

 

[r9111]

has he looked at you the same way? Any signs?

make sure u dress well and smell nice

dont focus on him too much

find a way to start a conversation, maybe ask him “has anyone ever told you you look like X” or whatever
does he like sport, ask him about that

 

[JenniferJo]

has he looked at you the same way? Any signs?

make sure u dress well and smell nice

dont focus on him too much

find a way to start a conversation, maybe ask him “has anyone ever told you you look like X” or whatever
does he like sport, ask him about that

Well, I am not sure;
I think I have caught him checking out my breasts and my belly a couple times, but this has mostly been because I have happened to dress in light clothes during warm days. xP
But I guess it could of course mean that he at least finds me nice to look at.
He seems to be polite enough to not stare at me - he has stopped checking me out like that very soon after I have noticed it - so that is a good sign.

I know that I am considered pretty by a lot of guys, so I feel confident about that.
But the other girls who flirt with him are pretty as well, so I don't really stand out that much when it comes to that.
I actually get very nervous whenever he is somewhere nearby, but I guess I should try approaching him in some way.

 

[deleted8538041]

Yes, I have just been unsure what to say to him, and it feels as if the other girls will always distract him.
But I will give it a try on our next lesson.

Just try to talk to him. You’ll either be pleasantly surprised or he won’t be interested and you can move on. Maybe something about you will capture his attention and differentiate you from your classmates.

 

[EllieP]

One of the things that in my 50s makes me realize how much time I wasted in my 20s was the amount of games I thought I had to play.

I know things were different for me then. I didn't have a clue as to who I was or what I wanted.

But now that I know both I make it a habit of getting to the point. Cut through the red tape and get down to business.

What the hell are you talking about, Ellie?

I'm saying talk to the guy! Say hello. Invite him to coffee. Find a way to get introduced to him. Or heck, just go and introduce yourself!

Ask him a question about class. Make it a good question, too! Make it a challenging question.

Break the effing ice! That is the only, and I mean only way you're ever going to be able to communicate effectively with him.

If there's a mutual interest? Hurray! If not? Then you dodged a bullet. One-sided relationships are sad.

This is not really a woman's issue, but it's a relationship one.

This goes for guys, too, who see the "unattainable" and avoid it. Pisses me off. I had only two dates in high school, and I married the second guy because I was stupid.

But what was really stupid, that I found out ten years later, was that everyone thought that anyone who looked like me already had a boyfriend, so they didn't bother to ask me.

Do you know how much that hurt to find out that they thought I was out of their league? And all the time I thought they were out of my league.

Life's hard when you're young. You're 20. You're really not in high school anymore, so those rules are gone.

Close your laptop. Walk over to him and say hi.

 

[englad]

I think you should just approach him calmly after class, introduce yourself briefly, have a short small talk chit chat and then ask him : "do you fancy grabbing coffee sometime?"

At the moment, you have essentially no info on him, other than he's good looking and a little bit on his dating history. So in terms of ice breakers you could ask him what he thinks of the course, or maybe comment on a shirt he's wearing, weather, whatever really. Just keep it cool and casual at first.

See what you think after the coffee. Good luck!

 

[deleted19151801]

Ok, fine.

Personally, I was raised that women should never approach men because if a man is interested (truly interested in you) he will approach you himself. There isn't any beating around the bush (no pun intended). If men really want something, they go after it, even if their chances seem slim, they are willing to risk that for what they really want.

If he hasn't approached you or made it very clear that he is interested, it's possible he's not interested. So, by all means, take a risk and approach him/show interest, but be prepared for potential rejection because men are less likely to play "hard to get" and other "guessing games" in the realm of dating. They're more straightforward and simple. What you see is typically what you get with them.

 

[EllieP]

Ok, fine.

Personally, I was raised that women should never approach men because if a man is interested (truly interested in you) he will approach you himself. There isn't any beating around the bush (no pun intended). If men really want something, they go after it, even if their chances seem slim, they are willing to risk that for what they really want.

If he hasn't approached you or made it very clear that he is interested, it's possible he's not interested. So, by all means, take a risk and approach him/show interest, but be prepared for potential rejection because men are less likely to play "hard to get" and other "guessing games" in the realm of dating. They're more straightforward and simple. What you see is typically what you get with them.

I was raised the same way. A lady doesn't ask a gentleman out.

I wish I had tossed that rule in high school, because there were quite a few boys I wanted to date.

Old school rules should be tossed in general anyway. We are not the weaker sex. I want what I want, and I want it my way!

Ellie the bulldozer

 

[deleted19151801]

I was raised the same way. A lady doesn't ask a gentleman out.

I wish I had tossed that rule in high school, because there were quite a few boys I wanted to date.

Old school rules should be tossed in general anyway. We are not the weaker sex. I want what I want, and I want it my way!

Ellie the bulldozer

I honestly don't believe men will take a relationship as seriously with a woman who approached them first or chased them. They may get with her and have fun, but their attraction will fade because they don't feel like they worked for it.

As evolved as we are as a species, sadly, there are still a few things that I believe are biologically ingrained from our early primate ancestors. Men still have a drive to "hunt" and "conquer" something in order to value it more. Note I didn't say "value," just value it more.

That said, I still believe a guy who is interested would just be upfront and pursue her and not leave her guessing. And if he's too shy to approach that's a sign of a guy with low confidence which may be "cute" at first but may become unattractive and tiresome later on down the line.

 

[GardenofTheGods]

Ok, fine.

Personally, I was raised that women should never approach men because if a man is interested (truly interested in you) he will approach you himself. There isn't any beating around the bush (no pun intended). If men really want something, they go after it, even if their chances seem slim, they are willing to risk that for what they really want.

If he hasn't approached you or made it very clear that he is interested, it's possible he's not interested. So, by all means, take a risk and approach him/show interest, but be prepared for potential rejection because men are less likely to play "hard to get" and other "guessing games" in the realm of dating. They're more straightforward and simple. What you see is typically what you get with them.

Somewhat true. You don't have to approach a guy and directly ask him out, but approaching and starting up a conversation is fine. It just shows your interested! I've had women approach me with questions about something, and then when I saw that I was attracted to them I would keep the convo going before they ran off. Quite a few times it resulted in a date

 

[cofrader]

One of the things that in my 50s makes me realize how much time I wasted in my 20s was the amount of games I thought I had to play.

I know things were different for me then. I didn't have a clue as to who I was or what I wanted.

But now that I know both I make it a habit of getting to the point. Cut through the red tape and get down to business.

What the hell are you talking about, Ellie?

I'm saying talk to the guy! Say hello. Invite him to coffee. Find a way to get introduced to him. Or heck, just go and introduce yourself!

Ask him a question about class. Make it a good question, too! Make it a challenging question.

Break the effing ice! That is the only, and I mean only way you're ever going to be able to communicate effectively with him.

If there's a mutual interest? Hurray! If not? Then you dodged a bullet. One-sided relationships are sad.

This is not really a woman's issue, but it's a relationship one.

This goes for guys, too, who see the "unattainable" and avoid it. Pisses me off. I had only two dates in high school, and I married the second guy because I was stupid.

But what was really stupid, that I found out ten years later, was that everyone thought that anyone who looked like me already had a boyfriend, so they didn't bother to ask me.

Do you know how much that hurt to find out that they thought I was out of their league? And all the time I thought they were out of my league.

Life's hard when you're young. You're 20. You're really not in high school anymore, so those rules are gone.

Close your laptop. Walk over to him and say hi.

Best advice ever.
I wish I heard more carefully ginan advises of star trek TNG.
Op,
Just talk to the person without any other motivation than knowing him, what you see as perfect is just random cells that fall on right place according your current criteria but dig deeper you don't want an empty shell

 

[TriplePoint PolyBi]

One of the things that in my 50s makes me realize how much time I wasted in my 20s was the amount of games I thought I had to play.

I know things were different for me then. I didn't have a clue as to who I was or what I wanted.

But now that I know both I make it a habit of getting to the point. Cut through the red tape and get down to business.

What the hell are you talking about, Ellie?

I'm saying talk to the guy! Say hello. Invite him to coffee. Find a way to get introduced to him. Or heck, just go and introduce yourself!

Ask him a question about class. Make it a good question, too! Make it a challenging question.

Break the effing ice! That is the only, and I mean only way you're ever going to be able to communicate effectively with him.

If there's a mutual interest? Hurray! If not? Then you dodged a bullet. One-sided relationships are sad.

This is not really a woman's issue, but it's a relationship one.

This goes for guys, too, who see the "unattainable" and avoid it. Pisses me off. I had only two dates in high school, and I married the second guy because I was stupid.

But what was really stupid, that I found out ten years later, was that everyone thought that anyone who looked like me already had a boyfriend, so they didn't bother to ask me.

Do you know how much that hurt to find out that they thought I was out of their league? And all the time I thought they were out of my league.

Life's hard when you're young. You're 20. You're really not in high school anymore, so those rules are gone.

Close your laptop. Walk over to him and say hi.

What you're seeing here is a rule of life that one learns way too late in life, namely this: "the skills you thought you needed to start a relationship are the exact opposite of the skills needed to maintain one."

When I was in college two attractive women came to my dorm room and asked me to help them with a math problem. For some reason they brought two male friends. The women asked me about their math problem (I think it was calculus) and they were happy and excited while the men seemed sullen. As time went on the women became more dejected and the men got happier. After I left I figured out the women had probably made a bet with the guys that I would be so enamored with them that I'd not be able to talk about the math with them. As time went on my guess was the men won the bet and the women lost. I thought they wanted to discuss a math problem, so I focused on the math problem. When I realized I was a pawn in their game I was pissed at all 4 of them.

Stop trying. Let the relationship go where it goes on its own. Be his friend first.

I fell in love with a classmate that had the biggest boobs I'd ever seen, and I didn't care. I'm more of a butt man and she was just my buddy Sue. We were friends when she got a boyfriend. We discussed class problems, grabbed a bite to eat occasionally, invited me to her house and a roommate's offspring drank out of the lemonade jar directly and got ME sick. She was my friend when her boyfriend beat her and she trusted me enough for me to be the one she went to for refuge for the night. I realized I loved her and I had a chance at being her boyfriend once she said she was leaving her boyfriend. We went out on a date and we stopped at her place so she could borrow some keys so she could drive me home, She disappeared for an hour as i waited, then came out with the keys with her pants unzipped. She had gone back to the boyfriend. Damn, that hurt. It was her choice, her life. But I was crushed. I had to distance myself from her until I graduated. I just loved her a lot and she was going back to bed with a guy that beat her. And I never ever kissed her, even once.

So what I'm saying is this: Stop playing games. Stop trying to force the relationship. Be his buddy.

Remember the other Rule Of Dating: You have to make the other person think it's their idea . . . . .

 

[TriplePoint PolyBi]

I was raised the same way. A lady doesn't ask a gentleman out.

The only problem with that is that if you have a relationship with someone and never ask for what you want, they will never know and get kinda pissed off when you leave them because they couldn't read your mind. So in a healthy relationship every person's job is to learn how to ask for what they want, because if you don't you won't get it.

I wish I had tossed that rule in high school, because there were quite a few boys I wanted to date.

OP, note this and don't make the same mistake as it will hold you back for decades if you adhere to the 'old' rules.

Old school rules should be tossed in general anyway. We are not the weaker sex. I want what I want, and I want it my way!

Yup. Just ask for what you want. If your partner doesn't want to give that to you, find another partner who will.

Ellie the bulldozer

 

[MickeyLee]

Rejection is not actually terminal.

Hi. I am so and so. Would you like to ________ sometimes?

Mixing in a lil banter and socializing can only help sway the odds in your favor.

Ms. @EllieP is spitting hot fire. Everything she said.

 

[TriplePoint PolyBi]

Added thoughts:

He may want to 'lay low' and hold off on romantic relationships because he may have had bad experiences in the past, doesn't want to get involved with a classmate because if it goes sour for some reason he still has to be in the same room with her anger/bad vibes, or maybe (like me) he grew up only with brothers and has no clue how to interact with women in a casual setting and may be completely unfamiliar with women who are attracted to him because he may have never experienced it. Or he has a love interest somewhere else and he wants to be true to her (or him) There are a plethora of reasons why.

All the more reason to take your time and just be friends.

And remember, if you don't learn how to ask for what you want, you won't get it. You may not get it when you ask, but at that point you can go find someone who WILL give you what you want and not waste your time on trying to get them to read your mind, which, believe me, men can't do.

 

[TriplePoint PolyBi]

I'm still kind of puzzled that the OP came to LPSG to ask about dating advice. I mean, the guys here are into dicks and there are lots and lots of them in straight, gay, and bi varieties, so hopefully it won't affect her as she learns how to initiate relationships.

Don't know. Hopefully we didn't scare her away

 

[derf3]

Personally, I would always prefer for a woman to initiate conversation. I would never want to risk being construed as a predatory male. Not even in the slightest possible way. Frankly, I'd rather be dead.

Of course, one should be mannerly even if a woman talks to you first.

Nonetheless, I don't really feel safe talking to women I don't know; especially nowadays. And even when I do know them: one does not want to risk losing their friendship by asking or assuming too much. :0( It's a tough situation.

Generally speaking--male or female--it is best to allow things to blossom naturally and effortlessly. That does take quite a bit of patience though.

 

[hzs3fg]

For a hundred years or more, girls have played dumb when it comes to math and science so as to be more attractive to guys. You could try after class, "You seem to really understand the concepts we were working on today - could you help me with blah blah blah?"

Or, take the opposite tack, "You seemed to be having some difficulty today - maybe I can help?"

Lol