Judged by partner about sex history

[HungBtmVegas]

Hey LPSG fam!,

I've touched on the fact that my sexual trauma has influenced both my kinks and my taste in men on here before and I've generally gotten empathy or at least understanding from partners who I've gotten close enough to share that with in my personal life.

There's a guy I'm starting to get serious with, so we had a deep talk last night about our upbringings, families, experiences as gay men, etc, so I told him my sexual history. He was great about it and really receptive until I told him certain aspects of it aren't a source of pain and ptsd for me like most people reasonably have and that some of the more shocking parts were important to ME in MY sexual development, even though other people's feelings about it are valid as well.

Long story short (too late), he was upset about how I process MY sexual history and tried to guilt trip me into getting therapy because "only a disturbed person wouldn't see the issue here". Without revealing details that aren't allowed in public forum, he's not upset about who I am or how I live my life currently, he's upset that something that happened to me in my past wasn't addressed at that time, nor has it been addressed to an official capacity since because I don't really feel the value in doing so.

He was great UNTIL this conversation and from a certain viewpoint, I can see why he feels the way he feels because he thinks our connection isn't as genuine because he fulfills an archetype that I almost exclusively go for because of said history and that he's just a fetish for me (which is untrue; people typically go for looks and qualities they find attractive, that's human nature!).

We haven't talked much since I got home from his house last night. Is this something I should lean more into in terms of explaining my position (which I felt I did thoroughly) or is this never going to work because he'll probably have doubts I can't fix?

 

[MisterB]

Hi! The one thing that stuck out with me here is your comment that people typically go for looks and qualities they find attractive. I believe we are attracted to who we are attracted to. For whatever reasons. Our life experiences are what shape our attractions IMO. Who we meet/interact. What we watch on TV/movies. Advertising. A myriad of things add up to shape our attractions.

Very brave of you to share here how you process trauma and life events that may differ how others might think others with similar histories would/should. That's applying a personal bias. Which in this case I don't find appropriate. It's your history. And how you dealt with it and continue to deal with it is your business. As long as you know it's not adversely affecting you in some way.

He's not you; he's taking his own life experiences and applying them to your situation. We all handle our "stuff" in our own way. Doesn't mean he or you are wrong.

I think that's the sort of conversation you should have with this guy soon if you think he is someone you can see a future with. This should be something that you can agree to disagree on. But IMO the conversation needs to be from the I'm not judging you and don't want you to judge me perspective. It could lead to opening both your minds to new thoughts neither of you have considered.

As far as you stating that he may feel you are fetishizing him now that you've shared your innermost secrets, it leaves me with the question that's based on the assumption that he is an older, top, white man with a large penis (given your other posts I've read).

If that's true, then perhaps a fair question to him is asking does he fetishize you as a black man? As a black man with a large penis?

If you two are really developing feelings and until this conversation could see yourselves pursuing something serious, then you need to get this talked through. The worst that can happen is you/he/both realize that it's a dealbreaker and you'll go your separate ways. Which is pretty much what could happen if you don't talk about the elephant in the room.

I wish you a lot of luck with this my friend. Feel free to PM me if you'd like to talk further.

Best to you!
B

 

[Ryanlove3456]

Hey LPSG fam!,

I've touched on the fact that my sexual trauma has influenced both my kinks and my taste in men on here before and I've generally gotten empathy or at least understanding from partners who I've gotten close enough to share that with in my personal life.

There's a guy I'm starting to get serious with, so we had a deep talk last night about our upbringings, families, experiences as gay men, etc, so I told him my sexual history. He was great about it and really receptive until I told him certain aspects of it aren't a source of pain and ptsd for me like most people reasonably have and that some of the more shocking parts were important to ME in MY sexual development, even though other people's feelings about it are valid as well.

Long story short (too late), he was upset about how I process MY sexual history and tried to guilt trip me into getting therapy because "only a disturbed person wouldn't see the issue here". Without revealing details that aren't allowed in public forum, he's not upset about who I am or how I live my life currently, he's upset that something that happened to me in my past wasn't addressed at that time, nor has it been addressed to an official capacity since because I don't really feel the value in doing so.

He was great UNTIL this conversation and from a certain viewpoint, I can see why he feels the way he feels because he thinks our connection isn't as genuine because he fulfills an archetype that I almost exclusively go for because of said history and that he's just a fetish for me (which is untrue; people typically go for looks and qualities they find attractive, that's human nature!).

We haven't talked much since I got home from his house last night. Is this something I should lean more into in terms of explaining my position (which I felt I did thoroughly) or is this never going to work because he'll probably have doubts I can't fix?

He's not mad rather disappointed. He sees value in you and wonders why you don't value yourself. I was the same way with my husband who had a colorful sexual past because of sexual abuse as a child. You do need a to get therapy and he is right for demanding you do so because reckless sexual behavior means the downfall of you and your long term partner, in every area of your lives, which is inevitable.

Ask him to forgive you and you should forgive yourself as well. If you are unwilling to get help, I would say it's best to let it go because it's dysfunction and Chaos whether the abuse victim feels like it's chaos or not. I hope it's not coming off harsh but you have to understand abuse has given you a warped, messed up view of sexuality. Victims typically have no boundaries when it comes to their body or they have very tight boundaries which are harmful as well.

 

[HungBtmVegas]

Yes, he's what you described physically, but I'd say character wise he's different from other guys I date in that he's more of a hippy type when I usually date white collar types. There's always the CHANCE of him fetishizing me (which isn't necessarily something I mind), but I don't think so tbh just from conversations.

We've talked a little since I posted this and we didn't break things off entirely, but I can tell it won't progress to a deeper level. That's life!

Hi! The one thing that stuck out with me here is your comment that people typically go for looks and qualities they find attractive. I believe we are attracted to who we are attracted to. For whatever reasons. Our life experiences are what shape our attractions IMO. Who we meet/interact. What we watch on TV/movies. Advertising. A myriad of things add up to shape our attractions.

Very brave of you to share here how you process trauma and life events that may differ how others might think others with similar histories would/should. That's applying a personal bias. Which in this case I don't find appropriate. It's your history. And how you dealt with it and continue to deal with it is your business. As long as you know it's not adversely affecting you in some way.

He's not you; he's taking his own life experiences and applying them to your situation. We all handle our "stuff" in our own way. Doesn't mean he or you are wrong.

I think that's the sort of conversation you should have with this guy soon if you think he is someone you can see a future with. This should be something that you can agree to disagree on. But IMO the conversation needs to be from the I'm not judging you and don't want you to judge me perspective. It could lead to opening both your minds to new thoughts neither of you have considered.

As far as you stating that he may feel you are fetishizing him now that you've shared your innermost secrets, it leaves me with the question that's based on the assumption that he is an older, top, white man with a large penis (given your other posts I've read).

If that's true, then perhaps a fair question to him is asking does he fetishize you as a black man? As a black man with a large penis?

If you two are really developing feelings and until this conversation could see yourselves pursuing something serious, then you need to get this talked through. The worst that can happen is you/he/both realize that it's a dealbreaker and you'll go your separate ways. Which is pretty much what could happen if you don't talk about the elephant in the room.

I wish you a lot of luck with this my friend. Feel free to PM me if you'd like to talk further.

Best to you!
B

 

[HungBtmVegas]

He's not mad rather disappointed. He sees value in you and wonders why you don't value yourself. I was the same way with my husband who had a colorful sexual past because of sexual abuse as a child. You do need a to get therapy and he is right for demanding you do so because reckless sexual behavior means the downfall of you and your long term partner, in every area of your lives, which is inevitable.

Ask him to forgive you and you should forgive yourself as well. If you are unwilling to get help, I would say it's best to let it go because it's dysfunction and Chaos whether the abuse victim feels like it's chaos or not. I hope it's not coming off harsh but you have to understand abuse has given you a warped, messed up view of sexuality. Victims typically have no boundaries when it comes to their body or they have very tight boundaries which are harmful as well.

Yeah no lol. You don't know how I feel about myself, thanks for chiming in though

 

[dr_bates]

I wish you happiness.

 

[Ryanlove3456]

Yeah no lol. You don't know how I feel about myself, thanks for chiming in though

A lot of gay men who have been abused don't see it as abuse. They don't even question how that abuse is manifesting itself in their adulthood. My husband used to tell me dumb ish like he felt he owed men sex just because they were nice to him. He used sex to make friends etc. Your whole value may be in your sexual performance which isn't good. Again, wish you the best but please get help if you are able to. May all your dreams come true

 

[Sklar]

Sigh

No. You don't need to go therapy, to relive what traumatized you, just to make said person happy.

If you have processed this and it's behind you, meaning you are fine with who you are now and how you live your life now, then it's behind you.

What you have to process is if you want to keep him in your life. The way I read the situation, with you and him, is that this is a button he is going to push over and over and over again, forcing you to relive it, just to prove he is "right" and trying to force you to go to therapy, which you don't need.

To me, it seems you would be in a better situation, overall, if you stopped having relations with this person. Period. If you want to keep him as a friend, that's up to you. But I would certainly not be having sex with someone who thinks they know better than I do, on how I process my own personal trauma.

He has zero respect for you because of that. His attitude of "you must go to therapy" will be a constant battle, which you do not need, nor should you have to endure.

Sklar

 

[chrisrobin]

What happened to me in my past life happened but is now over, any new relationship must accept that salient point. How many of us are virgins for very long, does that count against us? How many of us can, hand on heart say they've never done something even just a little bit bad?
So for a new relationship to founder on the discovery that there is a past life tells me something, who of us really lives in a glass house of perfection.

 

[Sagittarius84]

He's dodging the bullet because whether or not you actually aimed at him, he heard the shot. How you process trauma, or past sexual experiences is unique to you, but statistical context shows more often than not, these things arise to kill relationships later. Your nonchalance implies an inability or unwillingness to address issues before they become problems later, even if it never becomes a problem.
I think if you don't want someone to use the context of real life tendencies in their assessment of how you should or should not process things then you shouldn't offer said information that would trigger such a response; demonstrate your Supreme "okayness" with how the situation played out by not burdening your significant other with the information then expecting them to mirror your response..but if you are so deadset on fully disclosing so that your own conscience can be clear, then you have to accept that people are going to have opinions about how you should handle that which has a high probability of affecting your relationship in the future.

 

[Cock-a-Hoop]

Hey LPSG fam!,

I've touched on the fact that my sexual trauma has influenced both my kinks and my taste in men on here before and I've generally gotten empathy or at least understanding from partners who I've gotten close enough to share that with in my personal life.

There's a guy I'm starting to get serious with, so we had a deep talk last night about our upbringings, families, experiences as gay men, etc, so I told him my sexual history. He was great about it and really receptive until I told him certain aspects of it aren't a source of pain and ptsd for me like most people reasonably have and that some of the more shocking parts were important to ME in MY sexual development, even though other people's feelings about it are valid as well.

Long story short (too late), he was upset about how I process MY sexual history and tried to guilt trip me into getting therapy because "only a disturbed person wouldn't see the issue here". Without revealing details that aren't allowed in public forum, he's not upset about who I am or how I live my life currently, he's upset that something that happened to me in my past wasn't addressed at that time, nor has it been addressed to an official capacity since because I don't really feel the value in doing so.

He was great UNTIL this conversation and from a certain viewpoint, I can see why he feels the way he feels because he thinks our connection isn't as genuine because he fulfills an archetype that I almost exclusively go for because of said history and that he's just a fetish for me (which is untrue; people typically go for looks and qualities they find attractive, that's human nature!).

We haven't talked much since I got home from his house last night. Is this something I should lean more into in terms of explaining my position (which I felt I did thoroughly) or is this never going to work because he'll probably have doubts I can't fix?

I understand where you are coming from . I had experiences growing up like most kids of my era and background that you just used to deal with . I know I can't mention it in the open forum but I get you . Your partner being indignant on your behalf is almost telling you " you should have done something about it at the time !! " Which must make you feel uncomfortable I wish I could reiterate what my experiences were but I got a warning for it last time I mentioned it ( which I think was unfair ) I wasn't`t advocating it !!!! anyway I hope you sort it out x

 

[ASK JEFF]

I’ll wrap this shit up real quick for ya, honey. I’ll write in bullet points, because frankly, I’m a little irritated.

1) YOUR history is YOUR history. From the sounds of it, (I didn’t see you other posts, so I am speculating here) Your history may have to do with a lot of no-consensual stuff that went on. There may even be a Stockholm Syndrome or element of that that may be going on as well. Again, I don’t know but I feel for you because… well, let’s just say I feel for you! Greatly.
2) We process our history, good and negative, in our own ways. Our brains are sometimes maladjusted to make good or bad decisions based upon that said history, and in some way, you can’t be blamed for or need to explain these events from your past. If you chose to go to therapy or not was your decision. If you feel like you should, then go. If you TRULY are fine, then go. Treating you mental wellbeing is JUST as important as your physical wellbeing.
3) It’s hard not to be frustrated with a man like that, however, giving him the benefit of doubt. His past experiences and yours seem to be VERY different. And, the way he processes things may be very different than how YOU process things.
4) I would explain, kindly, that as past events may seem very fucked up to him, and they probably were, that they were processed as they could be, and although they define PARTS of us, it is not the complete sum of what makes you YOU!

The last thing anyone in your position needs is someone—who you are falling for—to try and correct or persuade you to think a different way, or “can’t believe!” The way you handled your past.

It is YOUR business how you conduct your life and process information—good or bad. It is YOUR answers to yourself to the best way you can find peace within the minutia that matters, and YOU are the only one to find that peace or deal with things In your manner and at your pace.

he sounds like a nice man, but the reactionary need to say you did something fucked up because he wouldn't’, or nobody in their right mind wouldn’, handle it the way you did. I find that a little below the belt. Inadvertently below the belt, but it is.

kisses on your pink parts and continue to LOVE YOURSELF.
JEFF

PS- That wasn’t very quick, but I tried…

 

[notthatguy]

I will never give my body count to a girl I am trying to go out with.... if I did, she would run away and rightfully so.

 

[Sagittarius84]

I will never give my body count to a girl I am trying to go out with.... if I did, she would run away and rightfully so.

Lol tends to work out differently when dealing with women, preselection is a powerful force