Need some advice.. or should I just give up?

[chiley]

So I’m not looking for a pity party or sympathy. I just want to explain my situation because I need advice. I’m a 35-year-old gay man, and I haven’t been in love in years. I was engaged a while ago to someone I was truly in love with, but eventually, he broke my heart. This past year, I decided I wanted to seek love over sex, so I began expanding my horizons beyond Grindr. I went on a few dates with one guy at the beginning of the year, but as shallow as it may sound, I had no real physical or emotional attraction to him. He wasn’t bad-looking, but he felt more like a friend or a brother; there just was no romantic chemistry there. Since then, nothing… It’s been 7 lonely months.

I don’t consider myself to be very picky, but I’m also grounded in reality, so I expect realistic results. What I mean is, I don’t consider myself ugly, but I definitely couldn’t be an OnlyFans model haha. I’m in decent shape, but not ripped… I could afford to lose 10 lbs. So basically, what I’m saying is I’m not expecting to pull a porn star.

I work evenings, so going out to bars and trying to date the old-fashioned way is rarely an option. Plus, I live in a very wealthy area where most of the local gays are very well-off and of the mindset that they’re perfectly happy being independent and just having a new guy every night. They probably wouldn’t even give me a second glance for something other than a one-night stand.

So I’m basically stuck with online dating… And it’s frustrating! I don’t seem to be able to keep a guy’s attention for more than a couple of days. Depending on how good the initial conversation was, I might reach out again once or twice, but I don’t want to come off as a stalker. On the sites where you have to match with someone to talk to them, I barely get any matches, and when I do, they seem to stop talking after a few days. I’ve considered paid sites like Match and eHarmony, but I’ve read mixed reviews and don’t want to waste money for nothing.

I’m ready just to give up. I know they say love is worth fighting for and it will come when you least expect it, but constantly being disappointed time after time takes a toll on my mental health. I just feel like I’ve aged out of the scene. Most older men have money and only want young trophy boys. Most younger guys act like 30 is decrepit (unless you’re a millionaire.)

So, someone please tell me this is not the end, because I’m ready to call it quits. Give me hope, give me advice, PLEASE! If you didn’t find your special someone until later in life, please share your story! I need some light at the end of the tunnel because I don’t know how much more I can endure.

 

[dana2]

The apps are lame. From my observations over the years, outside of "Only fans" level good looking men, when it comes to the rest of us, gay men can be fickle. Many seem to gravitate to categories or "types"- twinks, bears etc. Just regular Joes who are not only fan level and don't fit neatly into these silly categories have a hard time. My advice: Find gay hobby type groups: around me there are Gay hiking groups where men meet up and go on group hikes. It's a good opportunity to meet normal men. See if thee is a gay potluck group around you. Again a good chance to meet men. When you meet men be open to getting to know guys who you don't immediately think are good looking. Speaking personally, I have a disconnect between guys i think are "good looking" and guys who make my dick hard. Often the men who make my dick hardest are not ones I thought were good looking on first view. And I have been in bed with guys I thought were extremely good looking and the sex was boring. Get out there. Find a gay group and meet men. Suck some cock. Don't give up.

 

[theplayerking]

I’m very picky and didn’t meet my husband (on Tinder) until I was in my mid-40s. Dating is hard and gay dating is even harder. I think the best solution is remain open to possibilities, but don’t stress too much.

 

[Stingray08]

I 100% agree with the gay group comment. It’s the best way to meet people organically. Also, be brave and go up to the guy who is obviously checking you out at the grocery store and say hello.

I met my husband on bumble, not that it’s the be all end all for online dating but was the best free one I found that was for relationship interested people not just sex.

Don’t settle, be proud to wait for what you want, and it sounds like you have realistic expectations too. Just keep trying, it’ll happen!

 

[merlindsbest]

So I’m not looking for a pity party or sympathy. I just want to explain my situation because I need advice. I’m a 35-year-old gay man, and I haven’t been in love in years. I was engaged a while ago to someone I was truly in love with, but eventually, he broke my heart. This past year, I decided I wanted to seek love over sex, so I began expanding my horizons beyond Grindr. I went on a few dates with one guy at the beginning of the year, but as shallow as it may sound, I had no real physical or emotional attraction to him. He wasn’t bad-looking, but he felt more like a friend or a brother; there just was no romantic chemistry there. Since then, nothing… It’s been 7 lonely months.

I don’t consider myself to be very picky, but I’m also grounded in reality, so I expect realistic results. What I mean is, I don’t consider myself ugly, but I definitely couldn’t be an OnlyFans model haha. I’m in decent shape, but not ripped… I could afford to lose 10 lbs. So basically, what I’m saying is I’m not expecting to pull a porn star.

I work evenings, so going out to bars and trying to date the old-fashioned way is rarely an option. Plus, I live in a very wealthy area where most of the local gays are very well-off and of the mindset that they’re perfectly happy being independent and just having a new guy every night. They probably wouldn’t even give me a second glance for something other than a one-night stand.

So I’m basically stuck with online dating… And it’s frustrating! I don’t seem to be able to keep a guy’s attention for more than a couple of days. Depending on how good the initial conversation was, I might reach out again once or twice, but I don’t want to come off as a stalker. On the sites where you have to match with someone to talk to them, I barely get any matches, and when I do, they seem to stop talking after a few days. I’ve considered paid sites like Match and eHarmony, but I’ve read mixed reviews and don’t want to waste money for nothing.

I’m ready just to give up. I know they say love is worth fighting for and it will come when you least expect it, but constantly being disappointed time after time takes a toll on my mental health. I just feel like I’ve aged out of the scene. Most older men have money and only want young trophy boys. Most younger guys act like 30 is decrepit (unless you’re a millionaire.)

So, someone please tell me this is not the end, because I’m ready to call it quits. Give me hope, give me advice, PLEASE! If you didn’t find your special someone until later in life, please share your story! I need some light at the end of the tunnel because I don’t know how much more I can endure.

If it helps, I'm 35 and have never been in love.

 

[RogerPark]

Another way to meet men is to get involved in an activity. When I lived in Detroit, there were huge gay softball and bowling leagues, I'm not sure if they're still around, but you'd meet dozens of men each week and network. Become a volunteer with LGBT Detroit, Affirmations or one of the other gay organizations whose cause interests you.

 

[Brodie888]

I can solve your problem very quickly.

You are waiting too long to meet people in real life.

There are so many guys out there. They're not going to invest days messaging back and forth.

You can actually text your way out of a date because you reveal too much, there's no magic or sizzle any more. Clarke Kent and Superman are the same person, it's just that Superman acts quickly and is more mysterious.

If you have a good conversation with someone, you should be talking about meeting up for coffee or a drink in the near future by the end of the conversation.

If they're not interested, you've saved yourself days of messaging. At the end of the day, it's a numbers game and you just need to knock on enough doors to find the right person.

Also, don't be too quick to rule someone out. Sometimes people can grow on you who might not be completely your type at first glance.

Have in mind the non negotiable things you want and be willing to be flexible on the rest.

Even if a date goes bad, it's good practise at small talk and you will get a clearer idea of what's important to you.

 

[Boaxy]

OP are you Black/POC by any chance? (I'm a Black man myself, so I have to give an entirely different proverb/psalm lol, to guys who by happenstance are Black/POC as we are playing by a different set of rules.Your profile says the Detroit, Michigan area, which is a diverse area, but I can't just assume based on that)

You said you're 35, I'm almost 34, so I can relate the older you get, the more impossible Gay dating becomes in my opinion. Oh dear.

Are you feminine/not masculine looking/not straight passing?

What is your occupation/what do you do for hobbies?

I would like this info (you can either reply, or DM me whichever) before I continue with my advice/expertise/perspective.

 

[chrisrobin]

Just relax, stop looking so hard, stop winding up your emotional expectations. When it does come it'll be out of the blue not via a dating app.

 

[Boaxy]

Just relax, stop looking so hard, stop winding up your emotional expectations. When it does come it'll be out of the blue not via a dating app.

How do you know that. If you are a licensed psychic with credentials, I'll shut the fuck up right now and retract this post lol.

Maybe he will meet a boyfriend on apps, maybe he won't. Regardless of whether apps more or less can be bullshit to use, and I don't use apps, maybe OP prefers to use apps, or may decide to experiment with apps again; or not, but again saying "You're not gonna find him via a dating app", is a bit much, and kinda harsh. You could have worded that differently like "Apps are kinda crap, but it's an option." etc. or something along those lines. But yeah. Anyways. Smh.

 

[vladimir_roslyakova]

You have no idea where I found my boyfriend and how over 9 years ago next month … I just lost hope and my heart was shattered to pieces … but then he came like a new beacon of light in my life out of nowhere .. at first I wasn’t in love with him at all … then came a small argument after a month where we didn’t talk for a day … the next thing I knew it hit me hard … this guy is someone I am why missing so much … and why am I feeling the way I am feeling … ever since then he has become the part of my universe…
it’s just that…. Give the good people you dated a chance again … the gravy doesn’t cook in a minute … he has become my friend first then we both realised one day that we love each other so much that we can’t live without each other … we ain’t corny like other lovey dovey couples … we don’t sex daily … we have own things … like ying and yang … that’s what has kept us together …
My point my homosexual fella… can I call you that ? Na ? Ok ! Sorry…. Is that people are nasty in our gay world all over the world … if you find a good person with a good soul … give him a chance … at least a couple of months … get to know him first before encouraging an idea of dissing him gently …

We out here all complain that we are not getting what we want … but believe me … we all are one others reasons the gay circle is hard to find love in… if our minds are open to anything …happiness that we are all seeking is just around there …
(If you don’t agree with me … it’s alright too) I hope you find sooner what you are looking for cupcake

 

[linniejr]

So I’m not looking for a pity party or sympathy. I just want to explain my situation because I need advice. I’m a 35-year-old gay man, and I haven’t been in love in years. I was engaged a while ago to someone I was truly in love with, but eventually, he broke my heart. This past year, I decided I wanted to seek love over sex, so I began expanding my horizons beyond Grindr. I went on a few dates with one guy at the beginning of the year, but as shallow as it may sound, I had no real physical or emotional attraction to him. He wasn’t bad-looking, but he felt more like a friend or a brother; there just was no romantic chemistry there. Since then, nothing… It’s been 7 lonely months.

I don’t consider myself to be very picky, but I’m also grounded in reality, so I expect realistic results. What I mean is, I don’t consider myself ugly, but I definitely couldn’t be an OnlyFans model haha. I’m in decent shape, but not ripped… I could afford to lose 10 lbs. So basically, what I’m saying is I’m not expecting to pull a porn star.

I work evenings, so going out to bars and trying to date the old-fashioned way is rarely an option. Plus, I live in a very wealthy area where most of the local gays are very well-off and of the mindset that they’re perfectly happy being independent and just having a new guy every night. They probably wouldn’t even give me a second glance for something other than a one-night stand.

So I’m basically stuck with online dating… And it’s frustrating! I don’t seem to be able to keep a guy’s attention for more than a couple of days. Depending on how good the initial conversation was, I might reach out again once or twice, but I don’t want to come off as a stalker. On the sites where you have to match with someone to talk to them, I barely get any matches, and when I do, they seem to stop talking after a few days. I’ve considered paid sites like Match and eHarmony, but I’ve read mixed reviews and don’t want to waste money for nothing.

I’m ready just to give up. I know they say love is worth fighting for and it will come when you least expect it, but constantly being disappointed time after time takes a toll on my mental health. I just feel like I’ve aged out of the scene. Most older men have money and only want young trophy boys. Most younger guys act like 30 is decrepit (unless you’re a millionaire.)

So, someone please tell me this is not the end, because I’m ready to call it quits. Give me hope, give me advice, PLEASE! If you didn’t find your special someone until later in life, please share your story! I need some light at the end of the tunnel because I don’t know how much more I can endure.

My friend, you sound no different than I do and I'm a 57 year old black,gay man.

Like you, I was on the verge of just calling it quits as far as dating goes. I'm not a person who would win a Mr. Muscle America contest and I also could stand to loose a few pounds. As far as pulling a porn star, when mr right comes along, we will be each other's porn star. But I digress. After my lover of 7 years died, I felt that I would never love again. When I did, I realized that the person I was with didn't love me the way I loved him, because if he did, he wouldn't have subjected me to the physical, sexual, and emotional abuse that he did. Once I was free from him I didn't realize the damaged I allowed him to do to my self esteem, until I started settling for anything. I thought, because I have nothing, why not settle for anything.

I'm going to say this to you, settling brings you nothing but heartache. I know how hard it is to get over hurt and I also know that until you start forgiving yourself and the person that hurt you, hurt will always be with you.

Just as you feel a certain way about older men, I feel the same way about younger men. I feel that younger men want older men, because they think I have money and want to take of care of them. For me that's not true. I want a man whereby we take care of and love each other.

Just when I thought all hope was gone, believe it or not, a young man who is 25 years old has come into my life. This young man, rarely asks me for money. If anything when I can, I give it to him. I do it, because I see what he does with the money I give him, so I'm not worried. This young man gets up and goes to work and will cash app me a few dollars at times to get me a Whopper meal. You may say that's stupid, but you know what, it means a lot, because it shows hes thinking of me.

Stop holding on to that luggage of hurt and pain. Something tells me that you are a handsome young man who is just in pain and that pain has become your comfort zone. Let it go. You will find that special someone, because that someone is looking for you. Don't give up and don't lower your standards as to what you are looking for, because doing that shows that you don't think much if anything good about yourself. You are worth the best.

 

[GardenGiant83]

When I got my heart broken - maybe 2 years before I met my husband, I got some really good advice that I pass on whenever I can.

Quick back story: first man I fell in love with (let's call him William) didn't have the same feelings for me. Which hurt, but I moved on. And then I stated dating someone else (let's call him John) who was fresh out of the closet. I tried really hard not to fall for him, but it started happening. I knew he was seeing other people... but so was I (we even had a hot threesome). And then one day I log onto facebook only to see that John is now in a relationship.... with William. Fuck my life. I was a huge mess for a while there.

And then a really good friend's much older partner took me aside, and told me to stop looking for a partner. Focus on myself - my career, my health, my happiness, independent of a partner. That way, when I do meet the right person, I will be in the best position to be a good partner to them.

And I did. I finished grad school, got some therapy, got a good job, went hiking a lot, started swimming laps. I still went on dates and hooked up with guys, but I was always honest with them: I wasn't looking for a partner. Just friends who have good sex together (I realize this isn't for everyone, but I love casual sex, especially with buddies).

And then it happened. I went on that first date that just kind of never ends. Withing a few months we were living together - a five years later we were married. Now we own a farm and business together. This fall we'll have been together nine years. And it hasn't been all roses and unicorns. We've both had to work hard at the relationship and we've had some shitty times too.

Don't give up. I believe everyone can and will fall in love (although it looks different for everyone). But... don't stress too much about LOOKING for your partner. You will find each other. In the meantime, invest in yourself, do what makes you happy and healthy. And then when it's meant to happen it'll happen.

 

[Massimo-]

When I got my heart broken - maybe 2 years before I met my husband, I got some really good advice that I pass on whenever I can.

Quick back story: first man I fell in love with (let's call him William) didn't have the same feelings for me. Which hurt, but I moved on. And then I stated dating someone else (let's call him John) who was fresh out of the closet. I tried really hard not to fall for him, but it started happening. I knew he was seeing other people... but so was I (we even had a hot threesome). And then one day I log onto facebook only to see that John is now in a relationship.... with William. Fuck my life. I was a huge mess for a while there.

And then a really good friend's much older partner took me aside, and told me to stop looking for a partner. Focus on myself - my career, my health, my happiness, independent of a partner. That way, when I do meet the right person, I will be in the best position to be a good partner to them.

And I did. I finished grad school, got some therapy, got a good job, went hiking a lot, started swimming laps. I still went on dates and hooked up with guys, but I was always honest with them: I wasn't looking for a partner. Just friends who have good sex together (I realize this isn't for everyone, but I love casual sex, especially with buddies).

And then it happened. I went on that first date that just kind of never ends. Withing a few months we were living together - a five years later we were married. Now we own a farm and business together. This fall we'll have been together nine years. And it hasn't been all roses and unicorns. We've both had to work hard at the relationship and we've had some shitty times too.

Don't give up. I believe everyone can and will fall in love (although it looks different for everyone). But... don't stress too much about LOOKING for your partner. You will find each other. In the meantime, invest in yourself, do what makes you happy and healthy. And then when it's meant to happen it'll happen.

Exactly, all the best psychologists confirm that if you first don’t love yourself and are not able to feel good alone, you will always end up with the wrong people who will treat you like a doormat. Because you will always be looking for someone to compensate that emptiness, that lack: the love you don't give to yourself.

 

[thickcockjames]

I can relate. I never had much luck beyond a random hook up here or there from the dating apps. And I never enjoyed picking people up at bars.

But, I did meet my wife on match.com. The sites where you have to properly pay for a membership tend to have more people legitimately searching for a relationship. And for me, the financial aspect of it gave me more motivation to work on it. Like I’m spending money here, I might as well make the most id it.

Within a month or so, I met my wife. I was 39 when I got married, it’s not too late for ya. Best of luck friend.

 

[rockmusl1]

My advice is stop looking. Focus on making your life as great as it can be. Work on your body. Work on your brain. Volunteer. Travel if you can afford it. Identify a passion and indulge it. Trust me, once you get your life to where you love it as an individual, to where you stop caring whether someone “special” comes along, you’ll attract plenty of interest.
Then you can decide if a relationship is worth the trouble!
Married 9 years here, together for 19.