Open Relationship Biases

[cherryboom66]

We'll have to agree to disagree. When someone says there's little evidence that a type of relationship is 'honest' or 'functional', that it's used mostly as a 'tactic to satiate greed', and 'it's really hard to conceive of a genuine way' two people can successfully have that kind of a relationship, that reads to me like a value judgement.

That's his opinion, which is fine, and I'm putting forward my point of view. An open discussion.

If we are agreeing to disagree, don’t post a paragraph identifying how Im “wrong”.

 

[328982]

If we are agreeing to disagree, don’t post a paragraph identifying how Im “wrong”.

Lol!

 

[Sagittarius84]

We'll have to agree to disagree. When someone says there's little evidence that a type of relationship is 'honest' or 'functional', that it's used mostly as a 'tactic to satiate greed', and 'it's really hard to conceive of a genuine way' two people can successfully have that kind of a relationship, that reads to me like a value judgement.

That's his opinion, which is fine, and I'm putting forward my point of view. An open discussion.

The value judgement you're picking up upon is less of a function of open relationships in general, and more of a caveat of the preceding clauses:

But open relationships are used so much as a tactic today

I don't think much evidence really gets put out there for any of us to assume open relationships are healthy and functional.

OPs situation, independent of its purported functionality, trips red flags, that's it

 

[328982]

My personal experience of an 'open' relationship is negative. I'd been with my previous partner for about 4 years. We lived in separate cities, an hour's drive apart, but spent weekends and holidays together and were in a monogamous relationship. On holiday abroad I walked into our hotel room to find him on the phone to someone. Nothing unusual in that as he ran his own business, but it was odd the way his tone turned from chatty and conversational to businesslike. I felt a cold twinge in my gut but let it go. Then a month or so later he broached the subject of wanting to try an open relationship. I knew at once that he was seeing somebody else. I said I'd think about it but was utterly dismayed and smashed. About a week or so later I called his landline, a stranger answered the phone - he'd already moved in. Their affair only lasted a few months and when it was over the ex asked me to get back together again. I told him to Go. Fuck. Yourself. To Death.

But, that wasn’t really an open relationship. Just a sorry excuse for a breakup. And I was probably unbearable as a partner. And in retrospect a lot of my pain and anger at being dumped was just hurt ego.

In general, I agree with the OP that it can work for some couples, with mutual consent and clear communication, and those hard-wired for monogamy should not be throwing criticism and verbal insults around just because it's wrong for them.

 

[ronin001]

I have known Mr Country and Mr Alpha for a few years; and I am as happy now for them as I was back then.
I have been known to make a harsh comment or two about relationships. Though I support Monogamy, I understand that some relationships have different rules or indeed open marriages / relationships. My negative comments are to my knowledge directed toward cheaters. Those who to vow to be true; but are not. Relationships with certain ground rules, where the activities are agreed upon, heck even 3 ways are different, because things are in the open; and hopefully no one gets hurt

As someone posted once, if you have to sneak around and do it that it is probably cheating. But if you can openly do it with equal rules set by both parties, they heck go for it .

For the record Mr Ronin is into Monogamy, the closest I have ever come is to wear the pants, vest and jacket from 3 different suits .
Yes I pulled it off

 

[cherryboom66]

My personal experience of an 'open' relationship is negative. I'd been with my previous partner for about 4 years. We lived in separate cities, an hour's drive apart, but spent weekends and holidays together and were in a monogamous relationship. On holiday abroad I walked into our hotel room to find him on the phone to someone. Nothing unusual in that as he ran his own business, but it was odd the way his tone turned from chatty and conversational to businesslike. I felt a cold twinge in my gut but let it go. Then a month or so later he broached the subject of wanting to try an open relationship. I knew at once that he was seeing somebody else. I said I'd think about it but was utterly dismayed and smashed. About a week or so later I called his landline, a stranger answered the phone - he'd already moved in. Their affair only lasted a few months and when it was over the ex asked me to get back together again. I told him to Go. Fuck. Yourself. To Death.

But, that wasn’t really an open relationship. Just a sorry excuse for a breakup. And I was probably unbearable as a partner. And in retrospect a lot of my pain and anger at being dumped was just hurt ego.

In general, I agree with the OP that it can work for some couples, with mutual consent and clear communication, and those hard-wired for monogamy should not be throwing criticism and verbal insults around just because it's wrong for them.

I’m so sorry that happened to you. What a shitty thing to do x

 

[622675]

I know, I know,, this has been hashed out many times, but too bad, I still am posting it!

If your open relationship works for both of you, that is great. However, for many of us it may bring up a number of issues we are not prepared or have no way to deal with. Here are two that come to mind.

Apparently you and your partner are “tight” in the emotional areas that matter to each of you and also in areas that don’t matter to either of you. According to your initial post, neither of you judge the other based on the nature of the third guy. One may find him interesting, while the other might think you are slumming. Wouldn’t this wear on mutual respect or bring up questions about what the other partner was actually interested in or what they actually thought of each other? Your automobile analogy works here, but only at a surface level.

Another dimension you did not address has to do with the impact each of you might have with (or on) a third person. Does it bother you or your partner that what you bring to a relationship with a third person might have the situational ethic of eating ice-cream cones while walking through a group of hungry children. Point being, that whatever happens, ultimately his value in the adventure will amount to being little more than a sexual device.

 

[1850231]

For me personally sex is always more about pleasure than about love. Most if not all things I do for pleasure I am willing to share. I am not willing to share my deepest emotions and connections with everyone. That is reserved for my partner.

Interesting perspective, I’ve never thought of it that way. Although, thinking about it, now, I don’t know that I could be intimate with someone I didn’t already have an emotional connection with and so, it couldn’t ever just be about pleasure, for me. Perhaps it comes down to the type of relationship you have. (I’ve never been in one where the desire to open up to other people ever occurred to us.)

 

[Countryguy63]

If your open relationship works for both of you, that is great. However, for many of us it may bring up a number of issues we are not prepared or have no way to deal with. Here are two that come to mind.

Apparently you and your partner are “tight” in the emotional areas that matter to each of you and also in areas that don’t matter to either of you. According to your initial post, neither of you judge the other based on the nature of the third guy. One may find him interesting, while the other might think you are slumming. Wouldn’t this wear on mutual respect or bring up questions about what the other partner was actually interested in or what they actually thought of each other? Your automobile analogy works here, but only at a surface level.

First, this was taken completely out of context, but I will respond. Not sure what you mean by "the nature of", but I was referring more to types / appearances. Neither one of us would "slum". He prefers fit, good looking older and hairy guys. I prefer fit, younger and smoother guys. Neither of which has any bearing on what we think of each other. In fact, based on us, that shouldn't come as a surprise, lol.

Another dimension you did not address has to do with the impact each of you might have with (or on) a third person. Does it bother you or your partner that what you bring to a relationship with a third person might have the situational ethic of eating ice-cream cones while walking through a group of hungry children. Point being, that whatever happens, ultimately his value in the adventure will amount to being little more than a sexual device.

We are up front and open about our relationship whenever we meet anyone. Anyone that meets with either of us is fully aware of the situation. They have the option of accepting and proceeding, or deciding that it's not for them and passing. Would it bother either of us if someone wanted more? Nope. That's on them. Also, based on what I wrote, the majority of the times, it's during travel. If I get together with someone while I'm visiting Texas for the weekend, no one would expect it to go any further than a little fun. Most guys on apps fully know that.

 

[englad]

To be honest, though I prefer monogamy, I could imagine myself in a polyamorous relationship in the right circumstances. Open relationship, though? Nope, not for me.

 

[cherryboom66]

To be honest, though I prefer monogamy, I could imagine myself in a polyamorous relationship in the right circumstances. Open relationship, though? Nope, not for me.

What’s the difference with poly and open?

 

[englad]

What’s the difference with poly and open?

Poly is about loving more than one person, open is about having sex with more than one person.

 

[cherryboom66]

Poly is about loving more than one person, open is about having sex with more than one person.

Oohhhhhh Ok, poly for me too.

 

[cherryboom66]

First, this was taken completely out of context, but I will respond. Not sure what you mean by "the nature of", but I was referring more to types / appearances. Neither one of us would "slum". He prefers fit, good looking older and hairy guys. I prefer fit, younger and smoother guys. Neither of which has any bearing on what we think of each other. In fact, based on us, that shouldn't come as a surprise, lol.



We are up front and open about our relationship whenever we meet anyone. Anyone that meets with either of us is fully aware of the situation. They have the option of accepting and proceeding, or deciding that it's not for them and passing. Would it bother either of us if someone wanted more? Nope. That's on them. Also, based on what I wrote, the majority of the times, it's during travel. If I get together with someone while I'm visiting Texas for the weekend, no one would expect it to go any further than a little fun. Most guys on apps fully know that.

Makes me feel better knowing that it’s mainly travel and sex hook ups x

 

[Countryguy63]

Makes me feel better knowing that it’s mainly travel and sex hook ups x

Very much the majority!! Once in a great while, one of us might see someone that is traveling through our area and go meet them. And as mentioned, he has one guy locally here that he will get together occasionally, but even that is rare.

What most people imagine in open relationships is that one or both are out seeing others often or on a regular basis. I think I mentioned, it's been well over a year since I've seen anyone else, and it's either been 1 or 2 in the last year or so for him.

 

[cherryboom66]

Very much the majority!! Once in a great while, one of us might see someone that is traveling through our area and go meet them. And as mentioned, he has one guy locally here that he will get together occasionally, but even that is rare.

What most people imagine in open relationships is that one or both are out seeing others often or on a regular basis. I think I mentioned, it's been well over a year since I've seen anyone else, and it's either been 1 or 2 in the last year or so for him.

As I’ve said, I’ve been in many situations when I’m the 3rd, and as much as they say from the beginning “you know the situation!” - you get attached. For the 3rd, it’s your relationship, but for the couple it’s not. Gods I’m such damaged goods!! So yeah, just sex makes it all a lot clearer.

 

[shard38]

Interesting perspective, I’ve never thought of it that way. Although, thinking about it, now, I don’t know that I could be intimate with someone I didn’t already have an emotional connection with and so, it couldn’t ever just be about pleasure, for me. Perhaps it comes down to the type of relationship you have. (I’ve never been in one where the desire to open up to other people ever occurred to us.)

It’s probably different for everyone. I have no trouble going to clubs, sex parties, etc. and having sex with complete strangers. There’s no real emotional connection there, but just mutual lust. It’s completely different from love for me.

 

[Infernal]

I have an open relationship and it works well for us. It hasn't always been easy, and we struggled in the beginning. It took time to navigate what we both wanted and to come to an understanding. Most of our arguments were based on our lack of communication. We've worked it out and have agreed to be 100% honest about things. Sometimes that's difficult, but it's worth it. Now I joke about it. I tell people that when my husband pisses me off, I can tell him to go get fucked, and actually mean it.

I've gotten some shit from a few people about it. One friend told me that open relationships are for cowards who are afraid of commitment, people who don't really love each other, and like nonsense. When I offered my opinion about his past relationships he wanted to change the subject. I honestly don't care what anyone thinks about my relationship. They aren't part of it and what they think is irrelevant.

What works for us is that we both look at it the same way. It's just sex, nothing more.

 

[jujube]

Poly is about loving more than one person, open is about having sex with more than one person.

Could it not also be said that a polyamorous relationship is a static bond linking (at least) three individuals together for a long duration of time (e.g. a ménage à trois), whereas an open relationship is a rather fluid bond between (at least) two individuals, either of whom is stipulated to have a right to seek short-term sexual encounters (e.g. one-night stands) with any number of other individuals?

This has been my understanding of the two terms, but I have never thought about the fine details of these concepts until the development of a situation in which I have found myself very recently.

 

[jujube]

As I’ve said, I’ve been in many situations when I’m the 3rd, and as much as they say from the beginning “you know the situation!” - you get attached. For the 3rd, it’s your relationship, but for the couple it’s not. Gods I’m such damaged goods!! So yeah, just sex makes it all a lot clearer.

It's even worse when one does not let you know the situation from the beginning. For a person to deceive someone who is yearning for a partner to love and cherish into entering a sexual relationship with him/her while keeping his/her pre-existing relationship a secret (and, most often, also keeping the new sexual relationship secret from his/her pre-existing partner) is horribly immoral, selfish, and base.