Open Relationship Biases

[cherryboom66]

Could it not also be said that a polyamorous relationship is a static bond linking (at least) three individuals together for a long duration of time (e.g. a ménage à trois), whereas an open relationship is a rather fluid bond between (at least) two individuals, either of whom is stipulated to have a right to seek short-term sexual encounters (e.g. one-night stands) with any number of other individuals?

This has been my understanding of the two terms, but I have never thought about the fine details of these concepts until the development of a situation in which I have found myself very recently.

My understanding is...Polyamory is allowing more than one romantic relationship, from my experience it usually not a polygamous situation, it’s always been separate. So, having a relationship with you and Englad, but you and Englad aren’t together.

 

[englad]

Could it not also be said that a polyamorous relationship is a static bond linking (at least) three individuals together for a long duration of time (e.g. a ménage à trois), whereas an open relationship is a rather fluid bond between (at least) two individuals, either of whom is stipulated to have a right to seek short-term sexual encounters (e.g. one-night stands) with any number of other individuals?

This has been my understanding of the two terms, but I have never thought about the fine details of these concepts until the development of a situation in which I have found myself very recently.

Sort of yes, the style of polyamory that I might go for in the right circumstances, would be a form of polyfidelity, i.e. no sex outside of the group. There are a variety of different types, but they invariably involve romantic relationships between more than two people, though they can sometimes be V relationships (where you have one person involved with two, who don't interact with each other) and others are triads/throuples (all three in a relationship with each other). I think a polyfidelity based triad could suit me in the right circumstance. So basically, the same as a regular monogamous relationship, just having two lovers instead of one (I don't think I'd be up for any more than that lol).

An open relationship is a relationship between two, but sexual encounters with others outside of that.

 

[englad]

My understanding is...Polyamory is allowing more than one romantic relationship, from my experience it usually not a polygamous situation, it’s always been separate. So, having a relationship with you and Englad, but you and Englad aren’t together.

Polygamy is a little different, polygamy is the practice of marrying multiple spouses.

 

[cherryboom66]

Polygamy is a little different, polygamy is the practice of marrying multiple spouses.

Oh I know, but it was an easier way of saying “all being together”.

 

[englad]

Oh I know, but it was an easier way of saying “all being together”.

It's a good shorthand, the lexicon regarding relationships can be very confusing for some. I think the key component to any successful relationship (regardless of the parameters) I'd say is honesty.

 

[cherryboom66]

It's a good shorthand, the lexicon regarding relationships can be very confusing for some. I think the key component to any successful relationship (regardless of the parameters) I'd say is honesty.

Very true. It’s confusing for everyone, there’s a million ways to be poly. There’s a million ways to have a relationship. In terms of the site loving the word minefield - this is definitely one of those.

 

[englad]

Very true. It’s confusing for everyone, there’s a million ways to be poly. There’s a million ways to have a relationship. In terms of the site loving the word minefield - this is definitely one of those.

End of the day, plenty of people are not easy to pigeonhole, we're all a little different and so different things work for different people. We just need to respect each other's differences.

 

[french_toast]

One thing I've sometimes noticed about people who criticize or judge open relationships is that they often assume the open status of a couple is a symptom of their relationship's unhealthiness. That, or they'll look at a couple breaking up and point to the fact that they were in an open relationship to explain the breakup.
I won't say that those assumptions are always wrong, but I think an open status wouldn't be able to bring down a healthy relationship. An unhealthy one? Or a struggling one? Maybe, but even then the open status isn't at fault. If one of the two people involved brings up the relationship status as an argument during a breakup scene, then it means the issue had more to do with miscommunication in the first place and an open relationship wasn't for them to begin with. If they didn't feel like they could tell their partner "you know what, this isn't really working for me/us after all" then the relationship had other issues that needed to be worked out.

My boyfriend and I have been in an open relationship for a while now. To give context, we've been together for a little over 3 years, and for a lot of that time we've had to make do with a long distance relationship. For us, it has worked well because we've talked it over and have been vocal about what we are (or are not) comfortable doing, or with what the other might be doing. Communication and respect of the other party and of their boundaries are, in my opinion, necessary for a healthy open relationship. The rest is up to the individuals, and shouldn't be judged.

In our case, in the 2 years that we've been "open" I've fooled around with other people three times and he did it twice. Not the epic "sleep with everyone you can manage to land in bed" scenario some people automatically imagine, right?
We're honestly more open-minded than open. We've talked about our relationship and we're open to the idea of the other hooking up with someone else if they need it, want it, or simply feel like it. And yes, we've always let the 3rd party know about our situation and I think it's safe to assume that those people understood that we were just looking for sex (since we straight up told them).

 

[cedarizzo]

My personal experience of an 'open' relationship is negative. I'd been with my previous partner for about 4 years. We lived in separate cities, an hour's drive apart, but spent weekends and holidays together and were in a monogamous relationship. On holiday abroad I walked into our hotel room to find him on the phone to someone. Nothing unusual in that as he ran his own business, but it was odd the way his tone turned from chatty and conversational to businesslike. I felt a cold twinge in my gut but let it go. Then a month or so later he broached the subject of wanting to try an open relationship. I knew at once that he was seeing somebody else. I said I'd think about it but was utterly dismayed and smashed. About a week or so later I called his landline, a stranger answered the phone - he'd already moved in. Their affair only lasted a few months and when it was over the ex asked me to get back together again. I told him to Go. Fuck. Yourself. To Death.

But, that wasn’t really an open relationship. Just a sorry excuse for a breakup. And I was probably unbearable as a partner. And in retrospect a lot of my pain and anger at being dumped was just hurt ego.

In general, I agree with the OP that it can work for some couples, with mutual consent and clear communication, and those hard-wired for monogamy should not be throwing criticism and verbal insults around just because it's wrong for them.

Wow, that is fucked up! He didn't want an open relationship, he just wanted an okay from you to start a new relationship with the other guy.

 

[328982]

Wow, that is fucked up! He didn't want an open relationship, he just wanted an okay from you to start a new relationship with the other guy.

The way I took it was that he'd started the affair and felt a bit guilty, so this would make it all above board. Also, to hedge his bets - string us both along till he decided which way to jump. Turned out the new bf was an even stroppier bitch than me (I know, hard to believe) so he wanted me back haha. But, yes, not really an open relationship. I probably wouldn’t be able to handle a real open relationship but I quite admire those that do. Imo it shows maturity to get past basic sexual jealousy and not see your partner as a sort of possession.

 

[cedarizzo]

The way I took it was that he'd started the affair and felt a bit guilty, so this would make it all above board. Also, to hedge his bets - string us both along till he decided which way to jump. Turned out the new bf was an even stroppier bitch than me (I know, hard to believe) so he wanted me back haha. But, yes, not really an open relationship. I probably wouldn’t be able to handle a real open relationship but I quite admire those that do. Imo it shows maturity to get past basic sexual jealousy and not see your partner as a sort of possession.

An open relationship wasn't an easy decision for me. But there were 2 major factors that pushed me towards it. One of them was my testosterone level has been dropping and sex for me isn't as frequent as it used to be. My partner is 15 years younger and he still is wanting sex all the time. The second major factor was the fact that the boyfriend and I live an hour apart. I'm seeing him 3 times a week. I used to be a super jealous person, but I've worked really hard to not be jealous when it comes to his sex life. We share it 3 times a week. Even if I am not in the mood, I do what I can to get him off. When I am not with him and he is having sex with another guy, I know in the end that he is still mine. Sex is sex and love is love. They are 2 totally different things.

The biggest problem I have with the open relationship is the fact he tries to hide it from me. I've told him to be honest with me and let me know what is going on. But I think he hides it because he knows I used to be super jealous. I find it hot when we talk about it, but he still has his doubts about if I want to hear it or not. But I would rather hear it from him than hear it from one of the guys he is messing with.

 

[Taya]

Having an open marriage, I’d like to say a thing or two on the subject. Without too many quotes or repetitions of opinions, I might contribute to the thread based on my own style. Not a beacon but just some bits and pieces that may help other couples.

My husband and I have known each other from our youth days. First he was my bf’s friend, then my friend, my best male friend, my bf and then my husband. And I always loved him in the way that befitted the stage of our relationship and still love him to death.

We have an open marriage because my husband brought up the subject himself. In a closeted way after a conversation based on an instance at a party. I have always been flirty but I never cheated in a relationship. I find that degrading for all involved.

Most successful Open Relationships, contrary to the myths, are not "free for all"s. Boundaries and guidelines, and lots of communication is definitely advisable. There are things that one or both of us feel are too intimate and are off the table. Everything is mutually agreed on and feelings are clear to avoid as many uncomfortable situations as possible. Those things are different depending on the couple.

We discussed it in detail for a long time as described by @Countryguy63. And I can’t emphasize the importance of those points. Any neglected minor possibility will come back as a giant obstacle in the relation.

We agreed on the rules and limitations. No one night stands, no prowling, only relations. We keep things separate. We don't share partners. No 3somes or watching so far. Nobody comes home. I had two relationships, one ongoing, a single one-nighter and a fling on a holiday trip, so far. Both with his consent.

Like @Sarainsandiego, I have been more active than he is and recently we talked about that. We still have a great sex life but he likes his porn and I am his favourite star. He likes the idea, thought, image of me being with others. And he explained how he is so comfortable with it which sounded logical.

Ever since we met, he has seen me with other guys, saw or heard me having sex, listened to my problems with others, saw my crazy escapades, talked about them in detail with me. Basically, he knows it all without having seen it all and this has been a big turn on for him very since the beginning. People might disagree and I couldn’t care less.

Like @Sarainsandiego, my husband always comes first. He is the love of my life, partner, safe harbor , soulmate AND my companion. However, unlike @Sarainsandiego, he has no veto powers. He has a say in all my relations with regard to public appearance, anonymity, safety and a few other factors I do not wish to address here. But that is it. He states his case, gives his opinion and the decision is mine. This has been the same with all aspects of our relationship. Before and after getting married. He knew what he was getting and he was and still is OK with that. No drastic changes.

He never asked me not to get involved or stop seeing a person. I know he is not fully comfortable with my present bf and gave me a lecture or two but that is it. Because we both know that his reservations have nothing to do with the way I conduct my relation. Rather on the rapport I have with my bf. Risky places, crazy teenager acts, his words, etc.

My husband enjoys to imagine what is going to happen, listen to what happened, see the pics but hates it if he feels that his pillar position is threatened. No matter how much I try to assure him, he still has that tingling in his stomach. Well, that was inevitable and has nothing to do with the size of the other guy.

I have a weird, triggering aversion to it based on my own life. So any criticisms I spew are all projections, really.

I have never been in the position to be in love, never experienced it, never been given the chance. So I just get angry when people are in love, have found what I have never been able to find, then want everyone else’s cake whilst having their own.

Shit, this subject really cuts deep for me. But as I said, it’s all just about me and my own self hatred and insecurities.

That is the saddest message I have seen in any forum. I am so sorry to hear all that. I wish I could meet any of them to tell them to go fuck themselves. I honestly hope that the dawn of your night comes soon and you get yourself tangled in a web of happiness.

Then there’s further projections of spending my 20s being a mistress to many married men as they were the only guys who “wanted me”, but then it was only wanting me for sex. So, being with people but *not* being with them, seeing them grow old with their families and wives whilst I’m growing old alone.

This is not an omen but a blessing. Why would you want to grow old with men so shallow to choose to be with you just for sex and cheat on the woman they consider “spouse”? To be cheated on by these worthless pieces of shit?

None of this is meant to criticize or hurt your feelings. I am just furious at the way you have been treated.
And for the know it all, yes I know who @cherryboom66 is. I haven’t met her in person, but I read her posts and I can figure it out from those.

Dr. Phil giving an opinion on a subject where almost only the unsuccessful is above the water and the real ones are submerged. I’d like to see his diploma if he can pull it out of his bottom and gives it a through wipe.

Poly is about loving more than one person, open is about having sex with more than one person.

I don’t agree. Open is the life style where the gate is down and polyamory, which I believe is my case, is a version in which you can love more than one person.

I have an open marriage and an open relationship. I am polyamorus. I love my husband and my bf and I cheat on neither. I just had the biggest chance last week but that is not me.

Organ based happiness is not my thing obviously. Sex is good but making love is the best. While you can have the former with any dick with a dick, the latter requires a special person and special feelings.

One friend told me that open relationships are for cowards who are afraid of commitment, people who don't really love each other, and like nonsense.

Ha ha. We are the cowards who are secure enough and believe in the strength of the bond between us and our partners and they are the braves who hide behind a public perception and a few drops of ink on a piece of paper. Nice.

So, my question to those that want monogamy, AND feel the need to criticize, insult, and verbally attack those that feel differently, is WHY? I don't feel like you're wrong or need to change just because I prefer to be open. Why do you feel that I, or we are?

But I totally agree with Countryguy. I will never understand why people will judge someone elses lifestyle or choices when it doesn’t affect you at all.

In general, I agree with the OP that it can work for some couples, with mutual consent and clear communication, and those hard-wired for monogamy should not be throwing criticism and verbal insults around just because it's wrong for them.

I have nothing to say but I agree with all of the above and bow in respect.

I apologize from everyone for the length of this message.

 

[622675]

Bottom line on having an open relationship. Don’t go there!

Definitely don’t go if any part of you recognizes the effort each partner invests in the relationship. For most people who love each other, this recognition is not “keeping score”, rather it sets the bar for how much each partner cares for the other and is willing to give up for the other.

 

[Infernal]

Ha ha. We are the cowards who are secure enough and believe in the strength of the bond between us and our partners and they are the braves who hide behind a public perception and a few drops of ink on a piece of paper. Nice.

That was my thought. He was vehemently against open relationships and looked down his nose at people who had them. Anyone who believed otherwise was weak. His own track record spoke volumes though. When you have multiple failed relationships with guys half your age, I think the issue of an open relationship is the least of your worries.

 

[Timmoh]

Too many people can’t separate love and sex. Most likely due to standards set by society and insecurity.

I think it’s beautiful that when you are in an open or polyamorous relationship and you both have all that freedom to be with anyone(Theoratically) at any time, you still make the conscious decision to be with eachother and spend your time together.

This might be a weird statement, but I think by separating love and sex it becomes easier to tell if the love is real.

 

[alpha_centauri]

I have always had open relationships. I did not plan it this way, but this is what happened.

I never married anyone and I am not against marriage for other people, but it is pointless in today's world, or even having a sort of open marriage would be too constrictive or feel like a big mistake to me.

 

[alpha_centauri]

Didn’t sound like he was judging. He was saying it’s hard for him to comprehend in his Sagittarius brain. It’s an open discussion and I said much worse to be fair, based on my own experiences.

What does someone's supposed astrological sign have to do with relationships, open marriages/relationships, monogamy, cheating, etc.?

 

[alpha_centauri]

I cant speak as to every person's motivations for doing so, but I suspect some of the flak you might get from straight men specifically arises because of statements like this:

Almost every single account Ive come across of hetero folk beginning an open relationship devolves to this point, in that only her end actually practices the openness.
In general I think it speaks to what many, myself included, feel will be the inevitable conclusion that one party is going to be more satisfied with the benefits of freedom than the other is going to be okay with the compromises of it. Beyond my own territoriality in any other men being involved with my wife, the reality is, if I were ok with an open arrangement, there's no real guarantee I'd experience any bettering of my sex life, in fact Id probably be cutting into the sex I get now so that she could fuck someone else.
. I think bi and homosexual couples maybe have a couple advantages at this construct stemming from either side having as much outer appeal as the other.

I knew a bisexual male/female couple, where both the husband and wife were bisexual, and they had sort of an open marriage but only in that it was perfectly fine for the wife to have sexual/romantic affairs with other men or the ocassional woman, but the man was completely forbidden from seeing anyone else at all, even though he would sometimes on very rare ocassions have a purely completely sexual affair with a man who was traveling to their area, and otherwise he was mostly monogamous with her. When his wife found out about his purely sexual affairs with men, she was super angry, irrational, and jealous. Unfortunately my friend died, rest in peace. No we were not lovers, FWB/FB, etc. He wanted this but I said no as we were not sexually compatible, and I saw what happened before with a man he had an affair with decades ago, and I did not want to hurt his wife emotionally or make her angry.