Sexless relationship

[TryHarrd]

Lol @kasturi lobs that hand grenade into the room. Good thing the original poster is gone

 

[deleted15019751]

I'd buy that as more genuine if they tended to lose interest in all of the benefits said partner provides. Seems a little hypocritical to lose interest in a partners sex but not their provisioning or protection. It's been my observation that when there is genuine, unchecked desire for a partner, nothing short of violence or blatant disrespect(which both can sometimes increase said desire as well) will turn one off. If something unappealing or attractive turns you off so easily, I'd argue you weren't really into them to begin with, which brings back the discussion about transactional relationships that low and responsive libido folk are prone to.

1. Maybe they have lost interest in all the benefits the partner provides. 2. Maybe the partner is lazy, rude, unemployed and doesn’t listen, and therefore provides no other benefits to lose interest in, and they’re simply too emotionally attached to want to end it.

3. Maybe they’re hypocritical. Most people are hypocritical, illogical, and not consistent in any way. Also people are petty, hold grudges, and can be vindictive. Are we assuming everyone strives to be logical and consistent and has done the work of emotional and psychological exploration and self-actualized in a healthy and thorough way, because most people don’t fit that bill.

4. Maybe they didnt ever have “unchecked desire” for their partner. There are certainly people who identify as demisexual whose attraction varies depending on different variables like emotional intimacy or trust. For example I consider myself bi, but I’m really only sexually attracted to women once I develop an emotional bond with them and have a deep relational intimacy, also I was abused by a man as a child and have PTSD flashbacks when men interact with me in certain ways sexually. I would qualify as low libido, which my PTSD meds make worse, but I find it insulting to assert that any of that makes my relationships transactional or not genuine.

5. Shit, maybe their partner isn’t the right gender and they’re trying to force themself to fit into a relationship that fulfills a societal expectation. 6. In the case of gay men, especially bottoms, maybe they like to actually eat real meals and turn down sex because they’re not *ahem* prepared.

7. Maybe what you consider disingenuous is simply something you don’t understand about other people. There’s a reason that ‘not tonight, honey, I have a headache’ and ‘you’re sleeping on the couch tonight’ are reoccurring and common themes in comedy, tv, movies, and pop culture when a man behaves a way a woman doesn’t like. A lot of people relate to that. Maybe he checked out another woman and she’s withholding sex because she thinks he’d be thinking about her while they have sex. Does that mean it’s time for a divorce and she sleeps in the yard in a tent tonight rather than staying in the house he pays the mortgage on, just to consistently reject him in every way? If she hears someone breaking in, is she just supposed to get raped or murdered rather than call out to him in the other room for help, just for the sake of consistency in her lack of interest in him that evening? That’s just not realistic. No one interacts that way.

 

[kasturi]

Lol @kasturi lobs that hand grenade into the room. Good thing the original poster is gone

Sorry! Did i say something wrong? I was dating multiple partners till i found my soulmate. Once i did, i feigned similar excuses to breakup. Now i am not even able to fantasise about any one else. This guy is the best ever

 

[grandstand1]

Don't disagree with you there.

Ok, here's a real life example I would like your opinion about.

My wife and I recently had a day off together during the school week. Our kids are young so any evening is a challenge. As you could imagine, I'm really looking forward to it. Big time. Can't remember the last time we had time off together without the kids.

Around comes the day, we've had lunch with no other plans until the kids get home and I give the hint. I'm too tired, I'd rather lie here on the lounge is the response. Ok, all good I initially think, and head off for a nap. But as I lay there, I became quite upset. I walked back out and told her how valuable I find our time together, and that I was really disappointed that no effort was being made - or had even been considered -, especially given she is very happy to walk 1km down the road to get 2L of milk.

What should her response be in your view?

I had this same problem. That worked very long hours and got up early. Our son would never go to sleep so it was very problematic. I would try and schedule days off... Then she won't do it. It wasn't romantic to be scheduling. Well i'm sorry... That's just life. Then she dumped me.

 

[deleted15019751]

I had this same problem. That worked very long hours and got up early. Our son would never go to sleep so it was very problematic. I would try and schedule days off... Then she won't do it. It wasn't romantic to be scheduling. Well i'm sorry... That's just life. Then she dumped me.

Hopefully you’ve both found someone willing to meet each of your needs. This is my whole point though, it sounds like neither of you were meeting each other’s needs. Frankly, and no disrespect, but it’s no wonder she left when your approach to her expressing her need for romantic intimacy is met with a “sorry, that’s just life” attitude. Everyone on here will always say “run as fast as you can” when someone asks what to do about a sexless relationship and will blame the person who doesn’t want to have sex, but if you’re not relating with your partner in a way that makes you sexually desirable to them, I don’t see how that’s their fault.

 

[Sagittarius84]

1. Maybe they have lost interest in all the benefits the partner provides.

Then leave

2. Maybe the partner is lazy, rude, unemployed and doesn’t listen, and therefore provides no other benefits to lose interest in, and they’re simply too emotionally attached to want to end it.

All greater reasons to leave.

3. Maybe they’re hypocritical. Most people are hypocritical, illogical, and not consistent in any way. Also people are petty, hold grudges, and can be vindictive. Are we assuming everyone strives to be logical and consistent and has done the work of emotional and psychological exploration and self-actualized in a healthy and thorough way, because most people don’t fit that bill.

And where is it socially acceptable for a high libido person to refer to their partner as hypocritical, illogical, and inconsistent, petty, or begrudging given a lack of sexual intimacy?

4. Maybe they didnt ever have “unchecked desire” for their partner. There are certainly people who identify as demisexual whose attraction varies depending on different variables like emotional intimacy or trust. For example I consider myself bi, but I’m really only sexually attracted to women once I develop an emotional bond with them and have a deep relational intimacy, also I was abused by a man as a child and have PTSD flashbacks when men interact with me in certain ways sexually. I would qualify as low libido, which my PTSD meds make worse, but I find it insulting to assert that any of that makes my relationships transactional or not genuine.

One of the recurring issues within monogamy is initially such variables as emotional intimacy and trust seem of little importance in the partner acquisition stage. Even the most self aware demisexuals(and similar expressions) allow infatuation to override their usual necessities, if they would otherwise subject them to selectivity. I don't think any significant number of these folks are trying to bait and switch, but I think the construct both incentivizes them to do so and rewards them for succeeding...

And "transactional" is a relative term, no different than the perspective of "expensive" or "cheap" as per your relative tax bracket. Without robbing anyone of their legitimate process, to a high libido person that process would be unacceptably transactional.


In total your response further illustrates what I think is an inherent problem of the modern expression of monogamy; it almost always implies an inherent benevolence to the low or responsive libido end.
I do believe in monogamy as a positive predominate relationship construct, but I think the historic success (and positive societal consequences)of monogamy was built upon archaic obligations which have henceforth largely and rightfully been lifted. As such a new set of consequences have arisen to which the obligations and expectations of monogamy need to be renegotiated again, to incentivize more people to be in better aligned relationships, and to continue reaping positive benefits unlike the current widespread destruction of the family structure as is.

 

[PutItInHere691]

I am sure this has happened to a lot of us.. I found out the hard way when a guy I was dating started doing me the same way .. this one guy I chatted with few years back messages me and tells me he moved to the area and wanted to know if wanted to hook up ..

At this time my hand had been getting all the action and like we say we all have needs ….but we just sat and talked and I told him I was dating someone but I think he is cheating on me.
I get home and I heard bunch of laughing. And there he was with two guys .. my bf .. all he had to say was.. what are you doing home…. I exploded and they took off .. I told him pack up his shit and leave.. the place lived in had my name on it.. his was nowhere on the. Paper.

Now your bf isn’t having sex with you now but you did have sex a lot at first then he is getting it somewhere else or he is having issues of his own… sex drive or erectile issues or something.. confront him about it see what he says .

just don’t go asking him questions like he is having to explain himself to his mother.. just casually talk to him ask if you did something then ask what it was

 

[bud77]

I think the construct of having cake and eating it too isn't mutually exclusive to cheaters. I think one of the persistent toxicities of monogamy is that there are many individuals that like the security and benefits of being in a relationship and are content with not actually fulfilling the obligations implied by said relationship because the obligation of fidelity and implication of duty are sufficient to keep an unsatisfied partner.

Well said. Celibacy isn’t supposed to be the trade off for monogamy. If you stray you’re auto labeled a cheater. If you deny your partner fulfillment for no valid reason what’s the difference

 

[Don Logan]

Celibacy isn’t supposed to be the trade off for monogamy. If you stray you’re auto labeled a cheater.

The frustration of monogamy (for many) in a nutshell.