First, modern (shallow) gay dating culture seems to put an odd overemphasis on different body parts or identities when it comes to sex. People seem to reduce other gay men to a dick measurements, race, or height (these are good porn search terms, but not partner search terms). None of this is important.
Second, as for the height and cock size thing, I’m sure you understand why people prefer something different than you. Regardless, short men and men with small dicks get laid all the time so it’s not the real issue here. As for the race thing, someone saying you’re “not their type” doesn’t mean they’re not attracted BECAUSE you’re black. As an aside, I’m black and thought this was the case one time years ago when I asked a guy out in college. I looked him up later and found he was dating (a short) black guy, so it turns out he just wasn’t attracted to ME haha. If they say they’re not attracted to you BECAUSE you’re black (the only way you could know this), then they won't be a good partner OBVIOUSLY. All people have sexual preferences, and we can get into odd nonconsensual territory when we chastise people because their body doesn’t respond to certain people. Obviously, its unnecessary to talk about your “preferences” ad nauseam, but it’s not racist. Don’t use the specter of racism to excuse your need to be a fit successful person to be successful at dating. Date more men of color or white guys that are attracted to you (maybe just fewer white guys though because by your own admission most of your abusive exes were white).
Third, the average man has about 6 sex partners
in life (
NSFG - Listing N - Key Statistics from the National Survey of Family Growth) gay men have on average 15 sexual partners
in life (50% of gay men have 0 or 1 sex partner per year) (
Gay Promiscuity Statistics). This is a good measure of your success or lack thereof in dating. The fact that you’ve dated 100 people, and had sex with even a fraction of them sounds exhausting and WILD! Seems like you watch a bit of porn. Keep in mind, porn stars have WAYYY more sex than the average person BECAUSE they get PAID to do it. It looks super fun, but it’s totally curated (real sex smells, is emotionally fraught, and takes a toll on your body) and not something emulate.
Fourth, you don’t seem to take personal responsibility for ANYTHING. You say the guys who are interested in you “abuse” you for years, harass you, exploit you for money, “ghost” you, are “moochers” and “fuckboys,” gossip about you, cheat on you, are pathological liars” and “addicts,” and are criminals and gang members. You claim the healthy guys you like “ignor[e] [you] and friend zone [you]” (friendzone is an unnecessarily dramatic term straight guys invented to express irritation that someone just isn’t interested I think). It strains logic to believe YOU have nothing to do with this. No way is every guy you meet an asshole for no reason and you’re just a victim. Despite your insane dating life you still say “when I spot inauthentic men, I run for the hills and cut off all communication.” That’s just not true if we believe what you’re writing so either you’re lying to us, or worse, yourself. Think about what YOU could have done differently in your relationships rather than call your exes names.
Fifth, I won't go into clichés (like sometimes when you focus on something too much you push it away) but I’ll say you seem FIXATED on sex and dating. I would recommend focusing on a career, writing a book or article about something you enjoy, giving back to your community etc. There are other ways to connect with people and some of the best experiences I’ve had with other gay men were nonsexual. No other person can fulfill you, but I know you already know that. Also, unpopular opinion, polyamory almost always leads to hurt feelings and is an unnecessary label. Just say you’re sleeping around like people have been doing for 1000s of years anyway. I would get off too many dating apps. Avoid grindr if you want a partner (people do find partner’s on there, but other apps that require more effort/ questions attract better men). Stick to hinge or okcupid, but if I were you I’d take maybe 6 months to a year OFF dating just to show yourself you can do it (I did this in grad school and it was fantastic). If you insist on continually falling down the wide-open butthole of gay dating, I think the best thing for your dating/ sex life would be to (1) exercise frequently and deliberately (this will better your mood and physique), and (2) become as successful as possible in a job, educational track etc. (success and intelligence are sexy). These things will help your dating life AND require you to do something other than focus on you dating life.
Finally, after your wild post your only question is “should I change how I look”??? You look fine, you’re not “undesirable” as desirability is subjective and no one person can claim another is "undesirable". What you are is in need of something else to do with your life then date until you’re blue in the face.
Good luck!!
Funny missives I liked:
- The term “24-hour ex” is absurd. I think you mean “some dude I fucked one time.”
- “I'm fine being the undesirable nerdy type, while my boyfriend (whoever he shall be) is the sexy jock/model/ladykiller who nobody knows is gay/bicurious/FWB.”
Haha, I don’t think YOUR being fine with this will be the issue!
- “I was a late bloomer. . . I'm 25 now.”
Geez, when were you supposed to start dating, when you were 12?? Doesn't seem that late but maybe I'm crazy.
