Withholding sex for whatever reason.

[marriedasian]

I wanted to ask the ladies here if this is something you've ever done, is currently doing, and/or selectively doing and the reasoning behind it?

I was having a deep conversation with one of my buddies and he confessed that his wife always holds sex hostage from him. He shares that their relationship isn't perfect but he's a good husband overall. He goes to work, helps with the kids, cleans, cooks, and everything in between yet when night falls and he tries to get some, she always has an excuse or just shoots him down. He treats her nice, says "i love you" and "you're so beautiful" and does his best to be romantic but to no avail. He says they have sex maybe once a month after his wife has her period and gets very horny but the rest of the time he's either begging or pleading and still she denies him. He shares that he's very disconnected with her but they have 2 kids and he's hanging on for his kids. He's pretty sure she's not cheating on him cause she's always around for the most part and doesn't really leave the house a lot.

Now, this came as a shock to me cause in my case, before I got married, my wife and I agreed that no matter what came between us, we'd still fuck. To this day, we have not shifted from this mindset. Now it could be that we both have high sex drives but we talked about this prior to marriage during our dating period and both agreed that withholding sex for the purpose of hurting or controlling the other person is just cold, mean, and wrong.

For example, last week friday, my wife told me to wash her clothes but don't throw them in the dryer. I told her I wouldn't but I forgot and threw her entire wash into the dryer. Of course, 3 of her blouse got ruined and a few others shrank. She was very angry with me to say the least and didn't talk with me for pretty much the entire day. Only said a few words here and there. We went to bed, about five minutes in, she rolls on top of me and says "i'm still angry with you and i want to fuck"... so we did... it was a very good fuck, she came and so did I, then not a single word and she went to bed. Come saturday morning, i woke up with morning wood, spooned her and slid inside with no complaints from her yet no talking either (only moaning). She came to me around mid-afternoon to get a quickie then went about her day. Saturday night, same thing, still angry but we fucked. Sunday she cooled down and we worked out my mistake by talking it over and my apologizing a lot.

So i got curious and googled this and apparently it's a bigger issue than I realized. I just didn't realize it cause I wasn't living it. I can't imagine what these guys are going through. As a guy, I know that we connect with women physically before we do mentally. It's just the way we're wired. I also know that women are wired in reverse. Life's ironic isn't it? Of course, there are exceptions to this. I've been reading arguments on both sides of the fence from both the male and female counterpart. I just feel so bad for these people in these types of relationships.

To be fair, there's also a ton of wives who are being denied sex from their husbands?! WTF... i know, double standard that only the women are withholding sex but apparently the men are too.

So, i thought i would post here and get some female thoughts. Let's have a good discussion here. I would prefer not to read "i'm not in the mood, i ain't fucking". I've read too much of that already. I'd like to know how the ladies feel about meeting each other's needs. Isn't that what a relationship is about at some level?

 

[Topgirl9]

I can't imagine withholding sex from the person I love. Using sex as a weapon is not only completely unfair but also a sure fire way to get your mate to go elsewhere to have his needs met. It may be true that women are emotionally driven but it isn't impossible to look to the other way when you're pissed if there is an opportunity to fuck. At least that's how I always felt.
I have been married twice and the reasons they didn't work out had nothing to do with sex.
We had plenty and it was good.
Like you said "marriedasian" though your wife was angry you still had sex. That's how it should be. It keeps you close even if you are feeling a little distant.
Besides, everyone knows makeup sex is the best!

 

[Tight_N_Juicy]

I don't know why we get this question so often.

A bit of advice I do have: telling us "I don't want to hear X answer" is bullshit. You asked a question, you'll get the answers. If you don't like those answers, tough dookie.

I don't withhold sex. If I do happen to not be in the mood, it may be because I'm having a shitty day and sex isn't gonna fix it. Maybe I'm not feeling well, and just want to rest. Maybe my hormones are off and I literally CAN'T get into it... There's a whole lot that could be going on with this woman you're talking about in your post. Asking us about it isn't gonna get you the answer.

 

[Tight_N_Juicy]

Generalization ahead:

Another thing: sometimes men refuse to talk about their emotions even though women bond with men through emotional connection before physical connection.

Y'all ain't the only ones who don't always get what they "need".

 

[MickeyLee]

Not wanting to have sex is not withholding sex. It's most commonly known as body autonomy.

Access to my body is not a given in a relationship. Feeling pouty, deprived, or resentful because your partner is not in the mood is childish and manipulative.

 

[marriedasian]

I don't know why we get this question so often.

A bit of advice I do have: telling us "I don't want to hear X answer" is bullshit. You asked a question, you'll get the answers. If you don't like those answers, tough dookie.

I welcome all answers... I was implying I would like elaborate answers and not a knee-jerk response.

Y'all ain't the only ones who don't always get what they "need".

I hear ya loud and clear... this is an issue for both men and women. We just don't ever hear about the men not wanting to give their wives sex cause "what kinda guy doesn't want sex?!".

 

[EllieP]

I have never withheld sex from my partner as an effort to get back at him for something he's done wrong. But I cannot count the times that he's made me angry about something. And when I'm angry with him I definitely don't feel like having sex with him.

I don't believe in angry sex, and I've never had angry sex. I've had makeup sex where I might still be a little aggravated at him for some reason or another, but those feelings usually evaporate within 47 seconds or less.

 

[marriedasian]

i'm starting to wonder if my wife and i are just able to separate our emotions when it comes to sex meaning that we enjoy sex for the physical pleasure of it and not let our emotions get in the way. we both have high sex drives and just like to "fuck" per se.

angry sex differs from makeup sex differs from loving sex but sex nonetheless and all very satisfying for both of us. i guess it's part of the variety of it (not to say i want angry sex but it happens).

i'm just a little empathetic to think about all the men and women out there who suffer from this.

 

[Tight_N_Juicy]

i'm starting to wonder if my wife and i are just able to separate our emotions when it comes to sex meaning that we enjoy sex for the physical pleasure of it and not let our emotions get in the way. we both have high sex drives and just like to "fuck" per se.

angry sex differs from makeup sex differs from loving sex but sex nonetheless and all very satisfying for both of us. i guess it's part of the variety of it (not to say i want angry sex but it happens).

i'm just a little empathetic to think about all the men and women out there who suffer from this.

Seems like you're making a bit of an assumption that individuals who "withhold sex" for prolonged periods do so because of holding a grudge. It's not always that simple. Depression could be part of it. Clinical depression isn't just someone being sad because they're down on their luck, it's a physical condition.

Or they may have a hormone issue that leads to lower sex drive. Hormones fluctuate, moreso in women especially as we get older.

 

[marriedasian]

Seems like you're making a bit of an assumption that individuals who "withhold sex" for prolonged periods do so because of holding a grudge.

i'm making no assumptions at all when it comes to this discussion. there's too many variables to have a blanket statement to cover all cases. i can only reference what i know thus far from my buddy and his situation. i'll put on the table that if i had the same discussion with his wife, she may tell a story that is a complete 180 from his.

this is a sensitive issue and it affects all of us in one way or another. thank you for sharing your thoughts, it's exactly what i was hoping to get when i asked this.

 

[MickeyLee]

Agitation is the mood killer for me. I get over mad pretty quick. I'm not the type to dwell longer than a "fuck, I lived that shirt" about a ruined article of clothing. After all it's not like my shirt got ruined on purpose. The action was accidental.

Agitation on the other hand. That, I got to work through. I won't be up for loving once my skin is uncomfy on my bones. Again the boy does not cause this. Sometimes my brain desides that the world is just too over stimulating and I need to take a step back to line everything back up.

The boy knows this. He's never ever put pressure on me to get frisky when I am riled. He makes me tea, puts on SPN season three and gives me leave-alone time. I'll work out the wrinkles on my own.

The boy dals with his own issues. He's a protector who can't spend too much of himself on other people. When he hits burnout I know he needs to pampered and cuddled up. He gets tasties made for him. He gets backrubs and head scratches. I listen when he needs to vent about being overwhelmed.

You can love a person in heaps of ways other than fucking through a bad mood. It's got nothing to do with separating emotion from actions. It's about being there for someone you love. If either of us tried to fuck the pain away neither of us would find relief or solace in it.

*shrug*
I don't see one way being better than the other.

 

[693987]

I hear ya loud and clear... this is an issue for both men and women. We just don't ever hear about the men not wanting to give their wives sex cause "what kinda guy doesn't want sex?!".

My male partner has a low libido. We don't have sex nearly as much as I would like to. I in zero way have ever felt he was "withholding" sex.

As for how people are wired, he and I mutually lusted after each other from the very beginning. It was not "oh he has a penis so he must be the lusty/physical one". Your posts are full of generalizations like crazy...

 

[286798]

Caveat: you only know what your friend tells you about the relationship, and we only know what you posted, so there's a metric shit ton of other stuff that we don't know.

It sounds to me like your friend isn't connecting with his wife in ways that she needs to feel loved. If the "I love you" or the "You're so beautiful" is only said in the bedroom, she's gonna think it's not genuine. Lip service never works. Actually, it has the opposite effect. PLUS maybe whatever he says "isn't perfect" is a real issue for her. A lot of times, things that "don't matter" really DO matter. For some women, the laundry thing could have really mattered. Despite the fact that you were helping by doing the laundry (a positive), throwing everything in the dryer could be an indication that she wasn't important enough to listen to (a big fat negative).

Check this out for an explanation from a guy's perspective:
https://mustbethistalltoride.com/20...cidentally-explained-why-his-mom-divorced-me/

As far as the withholding sex part, I only withheld sex after I knew my wasband was cheating. In NC, some judges will constitute having sex with reconciliation. There were plenty of times where he was a dickhead that I wasn't interested in having sex with him, but I think that's different for many reasons like listed above. I'm a forgiver. I'm not one to hold grudges. I like to resolve and move on.

 

[LaFemme]

I’m not the kind of person who views sex as punishment or reward. That’s too much like dog training a person. If I’m cranky, I’m still the kind of person who likes sex, it’s only when I’m in physical pain when I don’t. Sue me - I’m a high libido woman!

I have had sex withheld from me. I was not “behaving” like a good girlfriend. Probably didn’t do the laundry right or slice the bread to the right thickness. Or there were better girls to fuck. Whatever. In my opinion, withholding sex is immature if it’s done to manipulate. It’s different if people aren’t in the mood, or have differing libidos. Just don’t be an ass and try to manipulate my emotions by holding love or sex over my head. Again, it made me feel like a dog being trained - begging for affection, trying to ‘behave’ the right way. Bullshit. Never again. And shouldn’t be that way for anyone.

 

[marriedasian]

Your posts are full of generalizations like crazy...

Of course we're going to generalize here. There's no way we will cover all the basis in this thread. I started with an example scenario to trigger a good discussion where we all can share our thoughts and experience to help each other expand our viewpoints on this subject as a whole. Nobody's the expert here on this issue, we're all simply sharing. So far we're getting very good feedback, IMO.

 

[marriedasian]

Caveat: you only know what your friend tells you about the relationship, and we only know what you posted, so there's a metric shit ton of other stuff that we don't know.

haha, i think exactly this every time i hear anything on the news whether it be a President Trump to school shootings to gun control... we only know what we've been told. There's always two sides to every story and sometimes three sides.

 

[AlteredEgo]

I hear ya loud and clear... this is an issue for both men and women. We just don't ever hear about the men not wanting to give their wives sex cause "what kinda guy doesn't want sex?!".

We don't? Tell that to my post history.

I have sometimes not been physically able, or not been in the mood. This is not withholding.

I have withheld from one partner. My emotional needs were not being met, and I needed to see that it wasn't just physical for him. I didn't think of that as withholding either, though I guess it was. Even though I wanted the sex, it was too emotionally painful to go through with it, so I didn't. When I got what I needed from him, sex was back on the table.

 

[AlteredEgo]

Also, for the record, I'm not fucking anyone who is presently ticking me off. We can work it out and get back to it, or we can go our separate ways and I'll get it elsewhere.

 

[marriedasian]

I have withheld from one partner. My emotional needs were not being met, and I needed to see that it wasn't just physical for him. I didn't think of that as withholding either, though I guess it was. Even though I wanted the sex, it was too emotionally painful to go through with it, so I didn't. When I got what I needed from him, sex was back on the table.

thank you for being honest about this. we all make decisions for ourselves based on our own personal reasons and nobody has the right to judge or think otherwise. they are not walking in your shoes and don't have a clue what you're going through. i sometimes feel that if people were walking my shoes, they'd make the same decision despite what they say looking from the outside. you just don't know it until you're in it.

Also, for the record, I'm not fucking anyone who is presently ticking me off. We can work it out and get back to it, or we can go our separate ways and I'll get it elsewhere.

hehe, totally respect that... i've been showing my wife these replies and she's loving it. she feels for all the ladies who have chimed in. the only real comment she has said about this is (and i quote in verbatim with her permission):

"i like sex and fucking too much so unless you fuck up so bad that it forces me to not want dick, you're fucking me one way or the other. i'll deal with the issue afterwards."

 

[AlteredEgo]

Well, like I said, I didn't see it as withholding. I saw it as self-preservation. I really can't hold onto anger. It makes me destructive. I let it out right away. We discuss it immediately. I make my feelings known; I make my expectations clear. Once I've said my peace I'm generally fine.