Am I being unfaithful or unsatisfied?

[smoltwerp]

LONG POST

Hi, I am a 22 year old closeted bi who's been in a relationship with a close friend for almost 3 months.
To start it off, I have always been interested in dudes especially the male chest (weird, I know) as long as I can remember.
Had some interest in women as well but for the past few years I think I'm still reconsidering. Grew up in a very Christian environment and no one here is very tolerating towards everything LGBTQ, so I've never really talked about my orientation to anyone but my closest friends. Got some internalized homophobia too (for myself, I have nothing against ya'll okay?)

Some context, the guy I'm dating right now; we'll call him Ben, is a friend from way back. We met through church after he had moved from another city. Didn't really think much of him, just some regular kid I know. After that, we went to the same school and even though we still kept tabs (my mom and his were best friends), I didn't really like hanging out with him because past me was still going through his edgy, "wanna be with the cool kids" phase. And so him being nerdy and introverted back then (he's not that introverted now), I started to distance myself from him at school. Hung out with a different group, the one he's not in. I admit, that was stupid of me and I have repeatedly apologized for my actions. Our families were so close we'd go on vacation to places together. Even so, I had secretly despised him for reasons mentioned above.

When it was time for him to move again due to this dad's work, I felt really bad for how I treated him and was actually kinda sad when he left. Being a very quiet, introverted person who didn't know how to maintain relationships and connections with people I know (and I still don't sadly), we didn't speak to each other for almost 2 years. I did gave him a visit once but I didn't say much because I'm generally a very awkward person, left with no impressions or feelings whatsoever.

And we hadn't spoken to each other for another 5 years until last year's January. I contacted him to help me with a survey for my thesis and we started to talk again after that, him even offering to be a private Japanese tutor for a low price since we were close friends. Not too long after, I joined his Discord server full of our old friends, and spent a lot of time playing games like Minecraft and DOTA.

As far as I'm concerned, Ben didn't really radiate much of a gay vibe. I've always thought of him as another straight guy, with a relatively strict Christian mom and dad. So when it was time for me to confess to him about being gay, I had my doubts. Especially since I've had my heart broken after coming out to a relative. To my surprise, Ben told me he's always been bisexual as well. We got even closer after my coming out to him.

Long story short, after months of spending a lot of time together on Discord calls and hours of gaming together, he was basically my best friend in "crime" (of being gay, joking ). I even went to his city once and took him for a day out at the mall, while doing some errands as well. But in December, his mom sadly passed away, and he was such in a fragile, broken state of mind. In my mind, I felt this huge sadness and an equally huge responsibility to comfort him everyday, accompanying him on calls listening to him suffer emotionally. It was overwhelmingly sad for me to see him like that, and I wanted to do the best I can to lift his spirits. It wasn't easy, but he got through it fortunately.

In an effort to comfort him even more, I offered to visit him again last January and be with him for 3 weeks (his house was quiet, full of 3 very silent guys). He was ecstatic and excited and so was I. During the very, very painful wait, I took another gamble.
First I asked him if it was okay for me to see his dick. Out of plain curiosity. He was fine and he also wanted to take a look at mine.

Then, I asked him if we could masturbate together, and he was even fine with that. The excitement was bursting through and it was difficult for me to contain it. Lastly, I asked him if he could cuddle and hold me in bed. It took like my whole being to ask that embarrassing request. To my another surprise, he complied. We started sending each other lovey dovey messages and stickers (reminder, we were still close friends at this point).

One day it all finally clicked to me. We were basically together almost all the time for a long time. When he's not online, somehow I feel very lonely and needing someone to talk to. One time when we were on voice call and sending each other wholesome gifs and memes, I let it out: I said that I liked him. It was such another big gamble because as far as I know, he didn't really look like he had feelings for me. All I had in my mind was that I want to let him know.

What a very unexpected turn of events. He said he's always been interested in me ever since we first met. Granted, his feelings for me did go away during the times we didn't speak to each other but it had gradually increased after spending lots of time together with me. At the heat of the moment, he asked me to be his boyfriend, and I happily said yes. I didn't care that he wasn't exactly my vision of a physically ideal partner; he's not that muscular, and his face is average for my liking. But he was a fun guy to be around, kind to me, and just someone pleasant to spend my time with.

Initially I had doubts though. I am someone with a very low self esteem, don't have much confidence (I'm skinny, only 175 cm / 5'11, not that good looking to myself, and a disappointing 9 cm dick). I'm also struggling with OCD. Unexpectedly he accepted all of me, and I'm very thankful to have him as a boyfriend. Of course I want to accept all of him as well. My 3 weeks vacay at his house was so much fun and we did all kinds of things (no anal though, I'm still scared of it).

Finally we've arrived to the issue at hand. He'd told me a few days ago that he doesn't really like me watching videos of other guys having sex / masturbating, etc. To be honest, because of my chest fetish, I really like fapping to chest related videos, nippleplay, all those stuff. Of course seeing someone with a nice pair of meaty slabs excites me.

But Ben told me that it was kinda weird because I'm currently in a relationship. He was like fine but also not fine with it? That if I'm seeing videos of other dudes, means I'm not satisfied with him. Yet he doesn't want to be a possessive boyfriend and limit what I'm allowed and not allowed to do. At the end he just said that it's okay but I shouldn't do it as often.

And it's like I'm not satisfied having him as a boyfriend? I mean I didn't date him for the sex only...

What do you guys think? Am I being unfaithful if I watch videos of other guys? I'm definitely not someone who's interested in a polyamorous relationship. I only want to devote myself to my S/O, but at the same time I really, really like looking at hot people especially those who have nicely built chests or arms, hence I still occasionally open Twitter and search for said videos. I feel really conflicted right now. I would appreciate any feedback from you guys, even those who's gonna reprimand or scold me. Sorry for the very long post!

 

[Brodie888]

You have to come to a happy middle ground. That's what relationships are, no matter who it is.

If it bothers him but he's okay with you doing it, just don't do it in front of him.

If you are regularly choosing masturbation over sex with your partner, then that's a bit of a problem. But if he's had his fill and you need to masturbate then it's a better alternative for him to allow than needing to find another man.

 

[jaybee0560]

Pretty much what Brodie said I guess ..if your porn watching is an actual issue .. as in your watching porn to the exclusion of real stuff ..then you really should deal with that ..if he is just generally upset by the fact that you like porn, sounds a bit intrusive. If he is of a mind that you watching porn says something about how you feel about him ..then that's super dysfunctional and TBH, sounds like he has self esteem issues.

Porn is porn, wanking is wanking and sex is sex .. they aren't all the same thing. Having a wank isn't cheating, it isn't a sign in and of itself that your sex life is unsatisfying or there is some issue going on that needs fixing ..its a separate activity from sex with your partner that pretty much every single person in a relationship or not does cos it feels nice no matter how awesome all the sex is.

Porn ..I don't see as being all that much different from wanking .. Most people are kinda voyeuristic, watching people have sex is hot. Picking your version of ideal eye candy to gloat over doesn't mean that this is the only type of guy you could ever be attracted to.

In my experience, if you watch a normal amount of porn and your partner has an issue with that ..there are more issues coming down the road. It is controlling, if its all under control, then it really is no bodies business and if that's something your partner is going to get upset about, then he is expressing an issue with himself that he is expecting you to moderate - that literally never works

 

[smoltwerp]

Thanks for both of your replies! He's very similar to myself, we both don't really have enough self confidence to go around. That's why I don't want to let him down or disappoint him. But the urge is difficult to stop. I'll try to find a workaround. Thanks a lot!

 

[SpeedThePlow]

It's not so much a red flag, as a sign of how young/inexperienced you are (and I don't mean that nastily) that he seems to have very fixed ideas about "what a relationship looks like".

As far as I know, nearly *all* guys watch porn. We watch it when we are out of relationships, and we watch it when we are in them. The idea that if we "really love" the other guy we will just not do that is, frankly, BS. Sure, be respectful. Don't watch porn in front of him if it bothers him. Don't leave it on your browser. But really. He has no business policing your fantasy life. (If he says he doesn't masturbate to porn himself, the working assumption is that he's lying. Don't ask him whether he watches porn. Ask him what porn he watches!)

Many (not all, but many) gay relationships have different rules from the monogamist "straightjacket". We tend to understand that having interests outside the core relationship is sometimes a good thing, and often a thing that is going to happen sometimes. Realism and honesty about all of this are key.

You're not at the point yet to need to have *that* talk. But for me this idea that even watching porn is in itself a form of unfaithfulness is not setting things up right at the start. Dare one suggest that your backgrounds have given you quite heavily freighted ideas about what relationships should look like, and that it may be productive (slowly, carefully, and above all honestly) to queer them up a bit?

 

[AllDixNeedLuv69]

I read biggest portion of story and will read rest of it later ..but from what I have read is I wanna talk about you talking about your body and penis size.. said it was 9cm dick which I am not sure what that is in inches but to me that would t matter ..

I think instead of worrying about being with this guy that guy or the other guy and still not be happy .. you need to be more open about yourself and get those thoughts of you thinking you aren’t that good looking and so on..

if you don’t see yourself attractive how do you expect others to.. the way that you feel about yourself shows in your actions and movements ..

 

[deleted1074483]

i note that you are from Indonesia a place where being openly gay is frowned on and has a very strict moral code? I'd also guess that most Indonesians are naturally quite conservative in their views/appearance/outlook which is as much a cultural thing as being 'christian' so in that context this being new to you both, new to relationships i'm guessing in general too(?) it probably is quite confronting and challenging to him?

you need to reassure him why you look at this type of porn, that its nothing to do with not liking him etc and that you still fancy him/want to be with him etc but you do also need to set some rules around you're both allowed to have these other interests.

Sounds like you need a very honest deep open discussion about how you both want your relationship to progress forward and agree on what you're both happy with?

as to your low self esteem take comfort that your boyfriend likes you as you are and presumably has not made negative comments about your stature or size?

you also need to consider how looking at these idealised guys in porn make you feel about youself too? remember they are NOT your average guy, they've been chosen specifically because of their 'beauty' and to sell you something only so please do not compare yourself to those guys.

Finally you do need to try to love yourself for who and what you are and accept your perceived faults. We all have them, no-one is perfect at all.

If there is anything you can change for yourself by exercise etc then that is a decision you have to make and decide to do to make that change, but how you look generally, how big your dick is, these are things you cannot change to any degree. There are many self help tools on the internet you could explore and use as therapy and the other thing is just accept being loved by someone for who you are and don't doubt it.

Good luck

 

[theplayerking]

Do you watch and jack while he’s around? Have you tried watching together?

 

[skaterboiz]

LONG POST

Hi, I am a 22 year old closeted bi who's been in a relationship with a close friend for almost 3 months.
To start it off, I have always been interested in dudes especially the male chest (weird, I know) as long as I can remember.
Had some interest in women as well but for the past few years I think I'm still reconsidering. Grew up in a very Christian environment and no one here is very tolerating towards everything LGBTQ, so I've never really talked about my orientation to anyone but my closest friends. Got some internalized homophobia too (for myself, I have nothing against ya'll okay?)

Some context, the guy I'm dating right now; we'll call him Ben, is a friend from way back. We met through church after he had moved from another city. Didn't really think much of him, just some regular kid I know. After that, we went to the same school and even though we still kept tabs (my mom and his were best friends), I didn't really like hanging out with him because past me was still going through his edgy, "wanna be with the cool kids" phase. And so him being nerdy and introverted back then (he's not that introverted now), I started to distance myself from him at school. Hung out with a different group, the one he's not in. I admit, that was stupid of me and I have repeatedly apologized for my actions. Our families were so close we'd go on vacation to places together. Even so, I had secretly despised him for reasons mentioned above.

When it was time for him to move again due to this dad's work, I felt really bad for how I treated him and was actually kinda sad when he left. Being a very quiet, introverted person who didn't know how to maintain relationships and connections with people I know (and I still don't sadly), we didn't speak to each other for almost 2 years. I did gave him a visit once but I didn't say much because I'm generally a very awkward person, left with no impressions or feelings whatsoever.

And we hadn't spoken to each other for another 5 years until last year's January. I contacted him to help me with a survey for my thesis and we started to talk again after that, him even offering to be a private Japanese tutor for a low price since we were close friends. Not too long after, I joined his Discord server full of our old friends, and spent a lot of time playing games like Minecraft and DOTA.

As far as I'm concerned, Ben didn't really radiate much of a gay vibe. I've always thought of him as another straight guy, with a relatively strict Christian mom and dad. So when it was time for me to confess to him about being gay, I had my doubts. Especially since I've had my heart broken after coming out to a relative. To my surprise, Ben told me he's always been bisexual as well. We got even closer after my coming out to him.

Long story short, after months of spending a lot of time together on Discord calls and hours of gaming together, he was basically my best friend in "crime" (of being gay, joking ). I even went to his city once and took him for a day out at the mall, while doing some errands as well. But in December, his mom sadly passed away, and he was such in a fragile, broken state of mind. In my mind, I felt this huge sadness and an equally huge responsibility to comfort him everyday, accompanying him on calls listening to him suffer emotionally. It was overwhelmingly sad for me to see him like that, and I wanted to do the best I can to lift his spirits. It wasn't easy, but he got through it fortunately.

In an effort to comfort him even more, I offered to visit him again last January and be with him for 3 weeks (his house was quiet, full of 3 very silent guys). He was ecstatic and excited and so was I. During the very, very painful wait, I took another gamble.
First I asked him if it was okay for me to see his dick. Out of plain curiosity. He was fine and he also wanted to take a look at mine.

Then, I asked him if we could masturbate together, and he was even fine with that. The excitement was bursting through and it was difficult for me to contain it. Lastly, I asked him if he could cuddle and hold me in bed. It took like my whole being to ask that embarrassing request. To my another surprise, he complied. We started sending each other lovey dovey messages and stickers (reminder, we were still close friends at this point).

One day it all finally clicked to me. We were basically together almost all the time for a long time. When he's not online, somehow I feel very lonely and needing someone to talk to. One time when we were on voice call and sending each other wholesome gifs and memes, I let it out: I said that I liked him. It was such another big gamble because as far as I know, he didn't really look like he had feelings for me. All I had in my mind was that I want to let him know.

What a very unexpected turn of events. He said he's always been interested in me ever since we first met. Granted, his feelings for me did go away during the times we didn't speak to each other but it had gradually increased after spending lots of time together with me. At the heat of the moment, he asked me to be his boyfriend, and I happily said yes. I didn't care that he wasn't exactly my vision of a physically ideal partner; he's not that muscular, and his face is average for my liking. But he was a fun guy to be around, kind to me, and just someone pleasant to spend my time with.

Initially I had doubts though. I am someone with a very low self esteem, don't have much confidence (I'm skinny, only 175 cm / 5'11, not that good looking to myself, and a disappointing 9 cm dick). I'm also struggling with OCD. Unexpectedly he accepted all of me, and I'm very thankful to have him as a boyfriend. Of course I want to accept all of him as well. My 3 weeks vacay at his house was so much fun and we did all kinds of things (no anal though, I'm still scared of it).

Finally we've arrived to the issue at hand. He'd told me a few days ago that he doesn't really like me watching videos of other guys having sex / masturbating, etc. To be honest, because of my chest fetish, I really like fapping to chest related videos, nippleplay, all those stuff. Of course seeing someone with a nice pair of meaty slabs excites me.

But Ben told me that it was kinda weird because I'm currently in a relationship. He was like fine but also not fine with it? That if I'm seeing videos of other dudes, means I'm not satisfied with him. Yet he doesn't want to be a possessive boyfriend and limit what I'm allowed and not allowed to do. At the end he just said that it's okay but I shouldn't do it as often.

And it's like I'm not satisfied having him as a boyfriend? I mean I didn't date him for the sex only...

What do you guys think? Am I being unfaithful if I watch videos of other guys? I'm definitely not someone who's interested in a polyamorous relationship. I only want to devote myself to my S/O, but at the same time I really, really like looking at hot people especially those who have nicely built chests or arms, hence I still occasionally open Twitter and search for said videos. I feel really conflicted right now. I would appreciate any feedback from you guys, even those who's gonna reprimand or scold me. Sorry for the very long post!

I would say watch the videos with him, even if chests are not his thing. You are not some sort of sex maniac. I love guys with sexy styled hair who have a skinny build. I am tall and I guess seeing hair first is what made it a thing to me. Oddly, I do not jerk off to it, it just puts me n the happy hornier zone. If you are watch on sites where you do not chat and clips are posted, I see what you are doing as harmless. If he is not missing sex because you already have jerked off that day or whatever, he should be ok with it. That being said, I believe heavily in monogamy--this is not cheating. I also do not like the idea of making a 3-some, it just makes me think if I can not satisfy a guy, he needs to move on.

My list of dislikes are either a hairy body or bald. Oddly my first bf was so hairy it was a search that involved parting hair to fine the prize and rimming was a guarantee of several hairs in my mouth. The third guy I dated was totally bald.

You said it right at the start. He is not the body type you like. But you like him, the person. Being with him out of bed makes you happy, laying on his chest makes you happy.

I don't fault Ben for thinking for some reason he is not enough. Just let him know how strong your fetish is. That MIGHT assuage his concerns. If not, just stop watching them for awhile and focus on him. Blowing him laying down on the bed will all ow you to look at his chest some, that may send you over the top.

Sorry I rambled, I just want to let you know about the self-esteem, am I not enough feelings, because I have them. I have missed out on going forward in trying to make a relationship out of what was a 2-3 times weekly sex play. It was not friends with benefits, it was just the benefits part. I am older and like younger guys. My self-esteem made me think they would not be happy with me. The two twinks I liked out of bed, I held back asking them to actually date. Later both told me, they thought that I would think they were to young for me, all the time I was thinking I was too old for them. My life lesson is pure honesty. On sites that are designed for hook ups (sites that did both way back when, like Adam 4 Adam allowed me to say, tell me if you want to date or f*ck. I have had guys who said date, we had dates and all they wanted was sex. They wasted my emotions.

You like Ben because of his everything. Sit down and tell him how he is nothing like the physical type you would pick, but you could not find a hotter guy because you enjoy being with him and out of bed and the your type guys are just sexual. Ask if you are his type. You might find out that you are not. BUT he likes the person in you.

 

[smoltwerp]

Thankyou @bobbleworc and @skaterboiz , both of your posts were really insightful and I'm glad that by watching other men, it doesn't automatically label me a cheater.

I haven't updated this post in quite some time, but me and my bf actually had the talk around a month ago, because I felt that he was kind of too limiting even though I've told him that when I watch videos it's purely for my own pleasure and not that I despised him for not looking like my "ideal" man.

He then told me that he allows it as long as I don't raise any unrealistic expectations during any sexual activities with him. Although so far I haven't been watching any videos that much these past few weeks. But knowing that we still have boundaries is reassuring to me.

Also thanks for saying that I should love myself for how I am. And I honestly can say that I'm pretty lucky because my bf accepts me for all my flaws. I'm really trying my best to accept his. Wish all of you here luck in finding yours! (if you haven't, or if you have, keep it up)

 

[SgtGirth]

There's some very good advice above mine on this thread. I heartily endorse involving him in your porn watching and using it to lead you two back to each other sexually.

I did read a few posts that were along the lines of "Everybody watches porn, who cares?" Well, yeah porn is very widespread these days thanks to the internet. But I'm old enough to remember when porn came either in very expensive videocassettes or in a magazine that was very embarrassing to buy at the local bodega, where suspecting the clerk of judging you was part of the experience. And I was also in the military for several years at a time when coming out as gay would get me kicked out. Under those circumstances, having gay porn in my possession was out of the question.

Under those circumstances I really did not see a lot of porn for much of my 20s unless I was at a bathhouse or similar establishment. It just really wasn't a big part of my sexual repertoire at that time in my life. Instead, I was busy having, you know, actual sex.

So if this really is an important thing for him, you should know that this is something that is possible, and might even result in an improvement to your sex lives. Breaking that habit would not be easy, but if he's as special to you as he sounds, perhaps he's worth it.

One caveat: sometimes I've seen guys employ double standards (often based around gender roles they see in straight society around them). Double standards are absolutely not cool at all. So if he doesn't want you looking at porn, he shouldn't be either.

I'd also point out that you both seem to have been raised in families that were socially conservative, Christian, and unfriendly to LGBT people. I would suggest that many of the lessons you may have absorbed about what good relationships or marriages look like simply do not apply to your situation.

While there are some similarities, straight relationships simply are different in other ways from relationships between two men and different again from those with two women. In a lot of ways, that's actually the freaking point about being gay in the first place!

So maybe take the time to get out there and cultivate some friendships with other gay couples, especially couples who have been together for a long time and are really making it work. Aside from the immense value of being friends, they can probably show you an awful lot that you can apply to your own situations.

 

[jaybee0560]

"So if this really is an important thing for him, you should know that this is something that is possible, and might even result in an improvement to your sex lives. Breaking that habit would not be easy, but if he's as special to you as he sounds, perhaps he's worth it."

Sorry dude but - I could not disagree with this more.

You don't fix a problem in a relationship without first identifying what the actual problem is and who needs to act on it. If the opening poster porn watching is an actual issue, if he is watching like chronic amounts of porn and that is interfering in his actual relationship - then, its pretty clear that the OP has the issue and that issue needs fixing.

From the description - it sounds like his BF has an issue with him watching porn simply because it makes him feel inadequate. The issue is not porn, its the BF's self esteem - if a person has low self esteem, that is a problem for that person to work on, not everyone else to pander to.

Where does that sort of "you cant do this because it makes me feel that" sort of behaviour end . what if the OP makes a close friendship with someone who his BF feels threatened by? , does the BF get a say in who the OP can and cant be friends with? What if your in a a relationship with someone who is uncomfortable with you staying in contact with your ex's .. I wouldn't see this any different even if he was applying the same standards to himself. Maybe his BF hates porn - who care's ..what the person I am with likes or dislikes has absolutely no bearing on what I like or don't like. That's like saying If I dont like swimming you can never swim ..

Unless there is something intrinsically wrong with watching porn - why is it incumbent on the OP to moderate his behaviour to accommodate his BF's dysfunction rather than see this as an opportunity for the BF to work on his dysfunction - one enshrines dysfunction as a feature of the relationship and the other puts the onus on the person with the dysfunction to life their game.

I've never once seen any thing that resembles a healthy relationship where one person is moderated by what the other person is comfortable with when there is nothing negative about the other persons behaviours .. I have seen plenty of relationships where this level of unreasonable control just keeps expanding to accommodate dysfunction

 

[Stephenmass]

I'd say if it bothers him, to not go hiding and still do it. Hang on for a bit, that doesn't mean you can't involve him with you...jerk sessions...b/j sessions....etc.... Don't let it take the place of what happens naturally between the two of you, but watching it together once in awhile is fine IMO. You may even have the same tastes in men! On screen only of course and it sounds like a harmless thing to me, unless you watch it a lot when he is around. My b/f and I surprisingly have the same taste in men...and we are monogamous to each other. I don't care if other couples are not or in open relationships if that works for them. But as my b/f and I say to each other all the time, we are not blind. If a hot guy walks by we both look at each other like "fuck did you see THAT"!! Etc.

 

[tito21]

I just read Op’s first post and not trying to be rude to other posters, i’m sure y’all have given Op great sounded advice.

In replying to Op’s chest fetish. That’s an easy fix. Buy yourself and bf a bench press and a workout tower so you can do dips. After a few months, y’all have killer chest/pecs.

 

[smoltwerp]

Thanks everyone! He's definitely trying to be more open, because yesterday we were voice chatting as usual and he suggested we watch vids together the next time I visit him.

Appreciate all of your advice!