Being “sexually selfish”

[talon harvey]

Has anyone on here ever found themselves being sexually selfish? Hopefully that’s the right term for what I have in mind. But if so, what did you do to overcome it?

I have a (bad) habit of wanting to pack up and leave once I meet up with someone and bust one. Prior to us meeting, I’m full of lust and find myself thinking of all the things I wanna do with them. But once we meet, I’m more focused on getting pleased, rather than pleasing them. And it’s like once I bust, I don’t even wanna have anything to do with the meet up anymore, I just wanna leave and go home.

Last night I met up with this guy. We didn’t have sex but we did other things. Once I ejaculated, I was ready to leave. In my head, I didn’t really care if he was gonna bust or not. But of course, that’s kinda rude so I helped him do it. He was telling me what he wanted me to do (Lick <x>, touch <x>, etc.) and I did it all, but in my head I was like “Oh God”. And it’s like that all of the time when I meet with guys.

I’m not sure if this is post-nut clarity or what. But in additional to possible post nut clarity, I think it’s also a combination of me simply not being that good at/knowing what I’m doing.

I’ve only started messing with guys this year so I don’t know a lot. I feel awkward giving head cuz I don’t really know how to do it well. I don’t know where my hands go when I kiss guys. I don’t know how to appeal to the senses.

When I do certain things, they respond well but that voice in my head says “They’re just faking it, they don’t actually like it. You don’t even know what the hell you’re doing”. I guess I rather not do it at all, instead of doing it and being criticized or not doing it as well as they’d like me too. I know “you’ll never get better at something if you don’t practice” but that doesn’t even mean much to me in this context of sexual activities.

But yeah, that’s where I’m at. I’m not sure if this is something you guys have went through but I’d definitely like to hear about it and maybe even get some advice etc. thanks.

 

[Aety]

I'm more of a pleaser, both with men and women. I always, always make sure my partner orgasm before me. With women it's easy, they can just keep going after they come.

I rarely let guys suck me off. I'm usually the one on his knees. I've become fairly good at sucking cock, and I usually jerk off while I'm doing it. Sucking a nice dick gets me so incredibly aroused and horny and tbh it's enough for me. If I'm with someone with a lot of stamina, I edge and only blow my load when I've got a mouth full of cum.

I do have some bad experiences with guys who came and just fucked off.

Sometimes it turns out great though. A month or so ago I had a very unexpected cardate. I had gone out for a drink with an old friend in the city and on the way back I parked in a highway rest stop to smoke a cigarette. I could tell there was cruising action going on (inexperienced nervous guys pacing about etc) but I wasn't really planning on doing anything. After my smoke I was just about to turn on the ignition for the drive home when I accidently made eye contact with someone. He was younger than me, probably mid to late twenties, slim and average height and fairly handsome. I thought what the hell and signaled him to come over. He sat next to me in, I opened his jeans and he was already rock hard, lovely curved cock of about 16 cm. I sucked him off until he blew his load in my mouth. I was surprised he stuck around, massaging my balls while I jerked off and kissing my neck. It was a great experience with a non-selfish guy.

I digressed a bit there, but it's just so much more pleasant to be with someone who doesn't just walk off after he blows his load.

 

[dan123]

I get this so, so much. I've heard that voice in the head and perceived an inital sexual selfishness, that used to make me feel a little bit guilty and/or stuck in a rut, i.e. 'I like it like this, but if I don't try out other things, I'll never be better in bed'.

I started having sex in my mid twenties and with men in my late twenties (36 now).

I won't go into all of my complexes and the ins and outs (!) and there are, I imagine, more experienced people here than me. But I would say the following:

I also thought something along the lines of "I think it’s also a combination of me simply not being that good at/knowing what I’m doing" initially; however, I didn't know the things I would develop a taste for and couldn't quite perceive what I did or could do well. I think that becomes clearer after time.

I didn't enjoy bottoming or giving head, but I loved and still love receiving head. So I stopped bottoming and giving head and started being honest about that before meeting up. I developed a love for rimming. I realised I could enjoy giving that pleasure without receiving anything in return, or even better, when receiving another kind of pleasure. That gave me more confidence meeting men who were happy to just give head, because I could appreciate how pure giving can give me pleasure. I just had to work out what I wanted to give – and express that before meeting.

I realised I had a natural sense of what makes a good and passionate kiss, and after I heard that enough times, I started to believe it.

I found it torture giving handjobs, but discovered pleasure in body contact with another man whilst we both got ourselves off individually.

With touching I listened to my body and what I liked, and saw if other men responded to the things I like. When it went well, it was fun and more relaxed meeting up again.

I got better at sensing a mutual spark, which gave me the connection – even if it was a one-off meet – to want the other guy to enjoy himself and bond a little post-orgasm. That's important to me, although I also still have phases where I just want to let off sexual steam.

Before this becomes an essay, I would say that all of this was part of the ride, I still have a few insecurities – but feel generally confident if I gauge mutual attraction... and I think you are less selfish than you might think, because you care enough to think about this.

 

[FrankieGuile]

Has anyone on here ever found themselves being sexually selfish? Hopefully that’s the right term for what I have in mind. But if so, what did you do to overcome it?

I have a (bad) habit of wanting to pack up and leave once I meet up with someone and bust one. Prior to us meeting, I’m full of lust and find myself thinking of all the things I wanna do with them. But once we meet, I’m more focused on getting pleased, rather than pleasing them. And it’s like once I bust, I don’t even wanna have anything to do with the meet up anymore, I just wanna leave and go home.

Last night I met up with this guy. We didn’t have sex but we did other things. Once I ejaculated, I was ready to leave. In my head, I didn’t really care if he was gonna bust or not. But of course, that’s kinda rude so I helped him do it. He was telling me what he wanted me to do (Lick <x>, touch <x>, etc.) and I did it all, but in my head I was like “Oh God”. And it’s like that all of the time when I meet with guys.

I’m not sure if this is post-nut clarity or what. But in additional to possible post nut clarity, I think it’s also a combination of me simply not being that good at/knowing what I’m doing.

I’ve only started messing with guys this year so I don’t know a lot. I feel awkward giving head cuz I don’t really know how to do it well. I don’t know where my hands go when I kiss guys. I don’t know how to appeal to the senses.

When I do certain things, they respond well but that voice in my head says “They’re just faking it, they don’t actually like it. You don’t even know what the hell you’re doing”. I guess I rather not do it at all, instead of doing it and being criticized or not doing it as well as they’d like me too. I know “you’ll never get better at something if you don’t practice” but that doesn’t even mean much to me in this context of sexual activities.

But yeah, that’s where I’m at. I’m not sure if this is something you guys have went through but I’d definitely like to hear about it and maybe even get some advice etc. thanks.

It is unclear whether you want advice or just stories but you would be one to avoid, and easily spotted, by any self-respecting, emotionally intelligent person exercising discretion in partners.

 

[halcyondays]

You never stay around for seconds or thirds?

If I have any selfishness is that I want to keep going especially given how quickly I or a partner or both can blow their first load.

Once isn't enough.

 

[marriedasian]

Are you sure it's not shame or regret? The lust drives you to nut but then post-nut clarity kicks in and you realize how uneasy you feel being in that situation. There may be some selfishness in there however I think there's more to this than you're leading on. I think this goes a lot deeper.

 

[oscar thomas]

My partner is "selfish" sexually, but maybe sex is more about mindset for him. He needs to be in control to be fully immersed, I think. He doesn't enjoy playing with, and certainly not sucking, cocks and certainly not mine. He's affectionate in other ways, outside of the bedroom though. I just think it's just the way some are programmed. He might be a little extreme but you get the same in the opposite direction, i guess it whatever works for someone

 

[Andrej_u]

Has anyone on here ever found themselves being sexually selfish? Hopefully that’s the right term for what I have in mind. But if so, what did you do to overcome it?

I have a (bad) habit of wanting to pack up and leave once I meet up with someone and bust one. Prior to us meeting, I’m full of lust and find myself thinking of all the things I wanna do with them. But once we meet, I’m more focused on getting pleased, rather than pleasing them. And it’s like once I bust, I don’t even wanna have anything to do with the meet up anymore, I just wanna leave and go home.

Last night I met up with this guy. We didn’t have sex but we did other things. Once I ejaculated, I was ready to leave. In my head, I didn’t really care if he was gonna bust or not. But of course, that’s kinda rude so I helped him do it. He was telling me what he wanted me to do (Lick <x>, touch <x>, etc.) and I did it all, but in my head I was like “Oh God”. And it’s like that all of the time when I meet with guys.

I’m not sure if this is post-nut clarity or what. But in additional to possible post nut clarity, I think it’s also a combination of me simply not being that good at/knowing what I’m doing.

I’ve only started messing with guys this year so I don’t know a lot. I feel awkward giving head cuz I don’t really know how to do it well. I don’t know where my hands go when I kiss guys. I don’t know how to appeal to the senses.

When I do certain things, they respond well but that voice in my head says “They’re just faking it, they don’t actually like it. You don’t even know what the hell you’re doing”. I guess I rather not do it at all, instead of doing it and being criticized or not doing it as well as they’d like me too. I know “you’ll never get better at something if you don’t practice” but that doesn’t even mean much to me in this context of sexual activities.

But yeah, that’s where I’m at. I’m not sure if this is something you guys have went through but I’d definitely like to hear about it and maybe even get some advice etc. thanks.

First of all, it's normal not to want to suck dick after you came. Male sexuality means that we have a bit of "repulsion" for sex after orgasm. Cum is a perfect example of it: lots of guys love swallowing cum before they have an orgasm, but they find it "gross" after they came.
Second, you don't have to "reciprocate". You just have to find a partner who is a match! Lots of guys love sucking dick, and they don't like having theirs sucked. In this case, him sucking your dick is for the pleasure of both, it is "reciprocal". Many guys don't care about cumming, or they like jerking themselves off on their own terms. Or they don't cum easily, which is extremely common in men, especially when it's with a new partner.

My advice is to communicate before. Communication is key: find someone cool on a human level too, not just sexy. Someone who can be nice to stick around with afterwards. You have a drink first, create some connection, have sex and then play Mario Kart together after you cum, until you're horny again and ready for round 2. Or maybe even just cuddle!
And another thing you can do is work a bit on delaying the orgasm, if it's the limiting factor. Do some edging, so you last longer and have more fun

 

[coolestguy]

Just be up front that you don't reciprocate. Many guys get pleasure by sucking dicks and that's enough for them. I only like to get sucked and never had problems with the other person. They were very happy that I fed them well.

 

[bravesoldier]

I have heard of people like you have described. Sometimes I don't think they actually aspire to be that way, it must be how they evolved sexually. They somehow failed to realize being sexually selfish (to me) is the deadliest sexual mistake anyone can make. Maybe in their mind they never got past their personal euphoria in a sexual encounter and developed the "its over" mindset when they orgasm. I had a female friend say once that when she orgasmed it was all over, that she was ready to get dressed immediately and go. That alone may not be so bad if you've been good to your partner.

I had a hot, handsome black-hispanic lover several years ago who in a way was one of the best lovers and in another way was the worst. The reason was because he was absolutely selfish during sex. He took all the pleasure you would give him and do absolutely nothing in return. Once during a meet, he told me to roll over and he shoved his unlubed cock in me (which I never thought he'd actually do) and the next morning I found blood on the sheets. He wouldn't even suck cock. He was definitely a fine-looking man with a football player build, had exceptional body and oral hygiene. He was so good at kissing he could just about command you to do what he wanted. But he was a taker and never a giver. He wasn't the alpha top hung guy either. His cock was quite thick and beautiful but unfortunately short.

Many times I thought I spoiled him, as I lavished total pleasure on him because I was so attracted to him. I did full body massages, slow tongue kissing, total affection through touch, eye contact and submission to him. Hell, I guess I see how I could have ruined him, figuratively speaking. But, anyone knows sex is a two-way street and the other's pleasure is not to be taken lightly. No matter what I always was astounded he would take and not give anything. A total alpha hung top yes, but not otherwise.

I do have a total alpha HUNG top, who is just that and does very little if nothing for me in return. But, with him I don't care. His service to me is allowing me to suck his cock (that I'm fiercely addicted to) then putting his thick, hole pleasing cock in me and giving the mind-blowing mental aspect of leaving his seed in me. Usually after the hole stretching while he's washing his cock, I finger my completely used, stretched, sloppy pucker and cum immediately.

 

[Kanashi]

Just be up front that you don't reciprocate. Many guys get pleasure by sucking dicks and that's enough for them. I only like to get sucked and never had problems with the other person. They were very happy that I fed them well.

I frequently come across this a lot, guys that are really into only "servicing" other guys and want absolutely no reciprocation at all. There are definitely guys out there that have no problems with the other guy leaving as soon as he nuts.

 

[Sagittarius84]

I don't think being sexually selfish is the worst thing for men. I'll admit there are probably some dynamics in the gay/bi world that I'm not accounting for, so from that perspective I am open to clarity; but in hetero land, I listen closely to the complaints of the sexual selfishness of men from women, and I suspect sexual ineptitude is the real culprit. I don't believe a man that holds himself to a high performance and sexual competence standard can really offer a bad or unfulfilling sexual experience, even if he's "selfish" about it.
Again i can't speak for how the gay/bi world operates, but a lot of the times when I hear complaints about sexually selfish men, there's either an underlying power dynamic/conflict at play, or an internal struggle with settling for someone they're not as attracted to because they prioritized other things in acquiring said relationship.

 

[blkcocktail]

Like they say “every pot has a lid” …we definitely need sexually selfish folks because they are a perfect match for those folks who are sexually selfless.