This thread moved me. Very thoughtful and kind comments to Bobby’s first post.
I’m probably older than most of you. Bisexual, but prefer men. Was closeted most of my life, because back in the day, there were too many negative consequences of being seen as gay. Only the bravest ones would be out.
In high school, I fell in love (secretly, of course) with a new friend who I was sure was gay. But in that environment, I just couldn’t approach him in that way; even when I fooled around with other boys, we’d deny (to each other, as well as the suspicious accusers) that it “meant anything”—such were the homophobic and hateful times. Back then, I so wanted to be straight (the people who say we “choose to be gay” don’t have a clue). But I’d always known (since about 6yo) that the male was my real thing.
But I’ve never told my first love how I felt—in the beginning, the friendship was too important for me to risk in those homophobic times. Because it turned out he’s not gay. In his late teens/twenties he had many girlfriends (they would throw themselves at him, he was what might now be called a sensitive new-age guy or metrosexual). We remain best friends to this day, even though now we live far apart. And he’s been married, twice, with kids.
I think, knowing him, that if I were to tell him, he would (a) not be surprised, and (b) not particularly care. He would still love me as a close friend.
But I still can’t. So I’ve gone through life looking for a substitute. Many hookups, several relationships (including a few with women). At 20, I met another guy who I was drawn to, even fantasized about. He was definitely gay (he picked me up). He even gave me his name and number etc. But I never called him, again because I couldn’t expose my soul—even to a fellow gayman—in the world as it was then. I have regretted that failure ever since.
Today I’m in a loving relationship, but the sex is unsatisfying/non-existent (he has medical issues). I’m grateful for the love, but still I long . . .
Bobby, don’t be like what Sport said, “trapped inside a cage chasing something that will never be yours”, which is where I was for so long. Be a good, authentic person and perhaps one day YOU will be someone’s Mister Right.
