Yeah I already packed up all here things here at my place. I can't imagine it getting any better to be honest. Probably just going to send it to her by UPS or something.
Cuddling with Friends and Other Issues
- Thread starter justaguy5000
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Yeah, that's wild. What she said is actually horrible, and I hope (for her sake and the sake of others) she learns that... You're doing the right thing.
That's because the US is off the charts with it's religious fundamentalism as compared with other developed countries. God is really really concerned with who you touch and who you have sex with.
Another Leo here
. As you discovered, the issue wasn't cuddling at all. She is an immature stuck up, domineering snob who, if she had her way, would have isolated you from your friends and been nightmarish to live with. Although I don't ascribe to astrology, the signs of Leo and Scorpio are usually compatible. It is her star sign that I'm curious to know of as she obviously isn't compatible with you.
Lol. I had to look it up. She's a Sagittarius.Another Leo here
MastiffNutz
Legendary Member
I don't jive with the horoscope readings but I think you're not seeing the forest for the trees. She's not going about it in the most progressive, modern fashion, but it sounds like to me your GF was starting to see a possibility of permanence in your relationship; like a pre-nesting preparation, and prior things that maybe made you a fun and interesting BF dont align with whom she would see as future protector/provider/possible father.
Assuming you're seeking to save the relationship, while I think you have every right to be upset about how she referred to your friends, and their relative socioeconomic statuses, it seems like she's identified a trait or potential in you that both outpaces your peers' growth, but can also be held up by their lack of growth, as per what would make her feel safe and secure in a family construct.
She's potentially trying to visualize you as leader, protector, provider, father, role model that will prioritize the family unit above everything else, and no matter how justified you are in non sexual physical intimacy with your friend, there aren't many ways that man spooning with innocent dick touches, and being the financial back up for other adults is going to project that vision.
She's already foreseen 5-10 yrs in the future when she looks at your little clone that she risked her life to birth, coming from the other room in your meager apartment and asks him where Daddy is, only for Little justaboy5000 to say he's cuddling on the couch with "Uncle What's his face" again...cue the box wine.....
Ohh I hate to say it, but I knew you would do this. I wonder what her side of the story is because even through all the childish and hateful comments she's made, it still sounds like she's hurt and wants to either have you back her or hurt you by hurting your friends through words. I was right, though, from my first post in saying you weren't as invested in it as her and boy, you let her know it. You saw a way out of the relationship and took it without coming out looking like the bad guy. I just wonder how much she knows about your viewings on the Internet.
Does she know you wanted advice about what it meant with you and your friend?
Does she know that you told people online about her acting out because she was threatened by your friend and you cuddling. By being threatened by someone, you have to be scared to lose them to someone. So does she know you asked for advice about her reaction on it, on a site relating to showing your appreciation to big dicks and centered around man on man activities mostly?
You're not the good guy in this situation, and nor is she, but at least hers was done out of just wanting YOU. She was quite immature and childish at times with you because your actions and emotions (or lack of) hurt. It's always hurt people who hurt people! The coldness you have regarding her worried me. I've heard gay men be more sympathetic, and even sound more loving and understanding about an ex female partner that they've left, after they've came out, than I've heard you do so on here.
I'm glad you've now realised this wasn't right for you both and left before you wasted her childbearing years. Would be even worse if you had stayed and kept everybody miserable, including 3 kids, and then left. Misery does live company as they say. She's one of the lucky few who dodged a bullet. I just hope this doesn’t affect any relationships that she has with good straight men in the future as we tend to carry insecurities and pain to other relationships. So you (and her) just need to stay single and wait for that friend of yours to become available.
I'm beginning to think that the internet is full of 16 year olds. I need to get off it before I start burning my bras and buying 40 cats.
Does she know you wanted advice about what it meant with you and your friend?
Does she know that you told people online about her acting out because she was threatened by your friend and you cuddling. By being threatened by someone, you have to be scared to lose them to someone. So does she know you asked for advice about her reaction on it, on a site relating to showing your appreciation to big dicks and centered around man on man activities mostly?
You're not the good guy in this situation, and nor is she, but at least hers was done out of just wanting YOU. She was quite immature and childish at times with you because your actions and emotions (or lack of) hurt. It's always hurt people who hurt people! The coldness you have regarding her worried me. I've heard gay men be more sympathetic, and even sound more loving and understanding about an ex female partner that they've left, after they've came out, than I've heard you do so on here.
I'm glad you've now realised this wasn't right for you both and left before you wasted her childbearing years. Would be even worse if you had stayed and kept everybody miserable, including 3 kids, and then left. Misery does live company as they say. She's one of the lucky few who dodged a bullet. I just hope this doesn’t affect any relationships that she has with good straight men in the future as we tend to carry insecurities and pain to other relationships. So you (and her) just need to stay single and wait for that friend of yours to become available.
I'm beginning to think that the internet is full of 16 year olds. I need to get off it before I start burning my bras and buying 40 cats.
I appreciate everyone's opinions. I have a completely different perspective that I’d like to share:
To me, the issue here doesn’t seem to be ‘my boyfriend is cuddling with another man’ but rather ‘my boyfriend is cuddling with this so-called loser’. OP has made it clear he’s not sexually interested in men and his girlfriend herself acknowledged that she knows he isn’t cheating on her. So I still don’t understand why there’s even an issue about him cuddling with his friend.
In some answers I see let’ s say a ‘homophobic touch’ towards intimacy between men. I wonder, would this be seen as equally problematic if the girlfriend was cuddling with another woman? Would that also be considered crossing a line? Just curious.
Personally, I wish this wasn’t turned into such a big deal. I also think it’s healthier to move away from labels especially when it comes to emotional connections or friendships. Not everything has to fit into predefined categories.
As for OP sharing this online: I think it’s valid that he sought advice and different perspectives here. When someone feels like their personal boundaries or values are being questioned, it’s natural to want input. Everyone has different ways to deal with stuff.
I agree based on the way things escalated, it might be for the best for both of them. Relationships need mutual respect and understanding and if that’s missing, it’s better to move on.
To me, the issue here doesn’t seem to be ‘my boyfriend is cuddling with another man’ but rather ‘my boyfriend is cuddling with this so-called loser’. OP has made it clear he’s not sexually interested in men and his girlfriend herself acknowledged that she knows he isn’t cheating on her. So I still don’t understand why there’s even an issue about him cuddling with his friend.
In some answers I see let’ s say a ‘homophobic touch’ towards intimacy between men. I wonder, would this be seen as equally problematic if the girlfriend was cuddling with another woman? Would that also be considered crossing a line? Just curious.
Personally, I wish this wasn’t turned into such a big deal. I also think it’s healthier to move away from labels especially when it comes to emotional connections or friendships. Not everything has to fit into predefined categories.
As for OP sharing this online: I think it’s valid that he sought advice and different perspectives here. When someone feels like their personal boundaries or values are being questioned, it’s natural to want input. Everyone has different ways to deal with stuff.
I agree based on the way things escalated, it might be for the best for both of them. Relationships need mutual respect and understanding and if that’s missing, it’s better to move on.
Oh my. I don't think that I have ever encountered a person as self-righteous and delusional as you seem to be. Your ability to ignore and dismiss facts, invent occurrences, and project both pettiness and derision is truly remarkable. But they pale in comparison to your ability to draw inference from the the non-existent.
I never sought nor succeeded to portray anyone as a good or bad, in fact I never ascribed labels to anyone. I asked for advice about what I believed to be a sudden shift in my ex-girlfriend's attitude toward something I felt was fairly benign. You responded with anecdotes and accusations that have little to no basis in reality and only a tenuous connection to anything reassembling what actually happened.
Attempting to castigate me for deigning to use this forum because other threads on this site contain content authored by people you find to be objectionable is truly rich. What a sense of accomplishment you must feel... picking and choosing facts to support your belief that you are "right" about something.
Finally, I'm glad that your take home point was that she was lucky to be rid of me. Hopefully her next boyfriend will have friends with the lofty pedigrees that match her classist expectations.
Potentially. But we don't even live together so to be true, that would mean shes putting the cart waaay before the horse. We haven't really discussed children, but expecting me to cut ties with my friends because she thinks that she's better than them because she makes more money is simply not a legitimate expectation, regardless of her motivations. Treating people poorly and belittling them for economic reasons is just about the least attractive character trait I can imagine.
Sharkvelvet1
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I'm surprised I read this far to see this... The correct response.
Again you're not "wrong" from a morally objective standpoint, it is "early" in your relationship....but nothing you said she said speaks to me as "cut all ties with your friends", it reads more like, "show me where your priorities lie."
Her language sucks, and it comes off as rude, classist, and quite uppity, but it seems to stem from a place of vulnerability and honesty. And I think you have every right to address her as such, but I also suspect establishing some more conventional and clearly defined boundaries with your friends, revolving around your intimate energy, or (presumably) disposable income, would put you in a much more advantageous position to point out how rude she is.
I mean I don't think the consideration would be any different if the genders were flipped, I think it just so happens that the possible sexual fluidity of females tends to be more of a turn on in of itself amongst males, in a way not matched by most female perceptions of their male partners. That being said, I can definitely see where a lot of men might consider this hypothetical woman's behavior as "crossing the line" , but my guess is it would revolve more around his perception of unfairness in her being able to be physically intimate with another woman, while he is not.
Plus we're not just talking about simple physical intimacy between friends, we're talking cuddling, and indirect genital contact common enough for the two parties themselves to joke about the implied homoeroticism at play.
Because I think "loser" is a immature moniker, where she probably really means "liability". Unfortunately though they tend to have "better" social communication skills on average, a lot of women allow their feelings of a situation to taint how they describe it. This is why just about any and every woman 18-35 in the dating market insist that most men are narcissists, because to them that is the most comforting assessment of a man whom doesn't prioritize them as highly or kiss their ass as per what they have been socialized to believe they are due.
I think this is the paradox of a dual mating strategy as practiced by women in the modern world...from what OP seems to imply, amongst his friend group he is the proverbial big fish in the little pond, at least from a socioeconomic perspective, a trait that probably satisfied a lot of her hypergamous preferences; but now that long term commitment is a possibility shes probably looking more at sustainability and security, to which the big fish in the small pond tends to die out first while the little fish survive off of it.
Assuming this relationship is over, I would definitely recommend OP seek out another partner whom perhaps isn't so hung up on socioeconomic status, but I suspect they too, upon the short term to long term mentality switch, are going to have qualms about your behaviors and actions going forward, even if they weren't an issue in the beginning...its just the nature of the beast
Your perspective is interesting, especially in how you connect her behavior to broader patterns in relationships and social dynamics. It does help me understand the girlfriend’s point of view better, even if I don’t agree with her approach or how she expressed her concerns. I hadn’t considered that her wording might reflect deeper fears.
I wonder if this situation could’ve been avoided with clearer communication earlier in the relationship. It may not matter anymore but it will in future relationships. I think a lot also depends on personality and past experiences. Some people might be more sensitive to these issues based on what they’ve been through before.
Possibly, but I also think it's just as likely that she and a lot of other women aren't even going to be of a mindset where they can accurately identify what she would hypothetically do. I've noticed that a lot women tend to have trouble conceptualizing or hypothesizing things outside of their current feelings or situation.
Do you think any significant portion of women consciously think they're going to leave their new bf, if at some point in the future his income decreases, or hers raises to match or exceed his?
I think a lot of times the push for clearer communication earlier in the relationship makes logical sense, and it certainly tends to helps women in making decisions earlier, but more often than not works against men because of the inherent dynamicsm women tend to inhabit.
A common bad trait in people is possessiveness. I have had many friends whose wives/GFs have done this.
They think that if they are your partner, it gives them the right to take priority over all others to the point where they push all of your friends and family out of your life. To them, there is no acceptable compromise. They want your balls in their purse and that is it.
Eventually they take complete control of your social calendar so you only ever go out with their friends and their family. Your friends will notice the Arctic wind in their stare and get sick and tired of you taking their side all the time. So your friendships wither to nothing.
Let's be clear, they see any other relationship in your life as competition. Competition that must be eliminated. Including your relationship with your mother.
Your choice is either accept this fate or draw a line. If they can't accept the line you draw or make your life hell to coerce you, dump them and never look back.
They think that if they are your partner, it gives them the right to take priority over all others to the point where they push all of your friends and family out of your life. To them, there is no acceptable compromise. They want your balls in their purse and that is it.
Eventually they take complete control of your social calendar so you only ever go out with their friends and their family. Your friends will notice the Arctic wind in their stare and get sick and tired of you taking their side all the time. So your friendships wither to nothing.
Let's be clear, they see any other relationship in your life as competition. Competition that must be eliminated. Including your relationship with your mother.
Your choice is either accept this fate or draw a line. If they can't accept the line you draw or make your life hell to coerce you, dump them and never look back.
I didn't get the sense that she was concerned that my friends were liabilities. It felt more like personal animosity. I mean she even had an issue with which month of the year he was born. That's a level of pettiness I haven't encountered yet in my life.
Yeah I kinda got that sense too. It would have been nice if they got along, but I really think she had some deep seated dislike for them. I just think she's too hung up on how much someone gets paid and not enough about whether they're a good person or not.
If you don't mind me asking, what is the ethnic/cultural background of your now ex?
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