Did I misread my straight friend sending me signals that he might want to explore bisexuality with me?

[twister926]

I know there is a lot of similar topics on LPSG but I would like to ask bicurious men about a specific situation with my friend. This has been nagging me for a while and I would appreciate answers mainly from guys who were mostly straight but discovered their bisexuality in their 20s or 30s.

I have a 37 year old buddy who is by all means straight (GF in college now wife & kids). We have known each other since college. I consider him a good buddy, never had any deeper feelings for him but I find him quite attractive. He doesn't know I'm gay but I was never pretending to be interested in girls neither. Pretty sure my college friends consider me a closet case.

Over the years, I noticed there were couple things indicating he may be bicurious:
- very touchy with men, especially after being drunk.
- a couple of times mentioning wanking together, although he is very often joking about everything and making whacky comments out of a sudden. He is rarely serious about anything.
- a couple of times he mentioned how cute/good looking I was.
- one of our mutual male friends made a weird remark about him once. Something like: oh, it wouldn't surprise me if he made a move on another guy. But it could have been just a tease.
- very horny. We were roomies for a while and I found his cum rag by accident. Couldn't help checking on it every now and then (shouldn't have, I know) and it always looked freshly used. And he used to complain about his sex life after marriage (see next point).
- his wife has low sex drive. Combine it with him being horny and it may be a recipe to consider other ways for quick release.

For some time we have lived in different countries. Few years ago I was visiting his family for a few days, then his wife and kid left and we were all alone in an apartment, hanging around and drinking too much beer. A couple of things happened:
- after taking a shower he asked if I heard him wanking in the bathroom. I said no and we didn't continue with this conversation;
- when I was lying on bed wearing only boxers, he commented how manly I looked;
- we were sitting drunk on the coach late at night watching silly YouTube videos. He was sitting close to me and I swear he was checking out my crotch. But I may have as well imagined it.

I regret so much not asking at that moment: "Well, this YouTube video is boring, I would prefer some nice porn". If he wanted to explore MM sexuality like wanking together or something more, I would gladly help with that. I keep thinking about this situation again and again. Is it likely he wanted to initiate something or am I reading too much into it? Should I arrange any situation next time we meet? Of course, I don't want to lose him as a friend. I'd really appreciate your opinion on that.

 

[blue gray]

Of course, I don't want to lose him as a friend.

If you make a move on him, would he laugh it off? Once you open that door, you can't close it. Where do you want this to go? This guy has been in your life a long time, why risk it over an orgasm? I say let the straight guy flirt, maybe he's just trying to be a friend to a cool gay guy.

 

[twister926]

If you make a move on him, would he laugh it off? Once you open that door, you can't close it. Where do you want this to go? This guy has been in your life a long time, why risk it over an orgasm? I say let the straight guy flirt, maybe he's just trying to be a friend to a cool gay guy.

One possibility is that he has repressed his bisexual side and would just like to experiment. Or just have a bonding wank session. I knew that straight guys do that when they are teenagers (been there done that) but only until recently I learned they discover this side of them or want to relive his experience as adults. We were both brought up in homophobic environment, it may be just hard for him to cross this boundary.

He never said anything strictly homophobic and we are pretty open bout some stuff, so if I made a move on him, it would probably not be a big deal for him.

I find the idea to be in intimate situation with him quite arousing but I would not like to push for anything. It took me some time to be ready to have sexual encounters with men. Before I make any move, I wanted to ask on LPSG because I read about similar situations here. I may be projecting way too much on him.

If he suspects me of being gay - I am almost certain he does - there are different ways to show his support than sending me those signals. After I came out to my other straight male friends, they acknowledged it then tactfully let me know what their boundaries were.

 

[sulvca]

Next time you two are hanging out in boxers, take the boxers off and be naked. See what happens next.

 

[deleted17938181]

One possibility is that he has repressed his bisexual side and would just like to experiment. Or just have a bonding wank session. I knew that straight guys do that when they are teenagers (been there done that) but only until recently I learned they discover this side of them or want to relive his experience as adults. We were both brought up in homophobic environment, it may be just hard for him to cross this boundary.

He never said anything strictly homophobic and we are pretty open bout some stuff, so if I made a move on him, it would probably not be a big deal for him.

I find the idea to be in intimate situation with him quite arousing but I would not like to push for anything. It took me some time to be ready to have sexual encounters with men. Before I make any move, I wanted to ask on LPSG because I read about similar situations here. I may be projecting way too much on him.

If he suspects me of being gay - I am almost certain he does - there are different ways to show his support than sending me those signals. After I came out to my other straight male friends, they acknowledged it then tactfully let me know what their boundaries were.

As @blue gray said, will you have some benefits asking for sex? You will put in danger a long last relationship just for sex?
As someone else said, why don't you ask about his behavior and that's it.
I think any action will put in risk your friendship.

 

[johnweek1]

In my opinion, don't make a move for sex of any kind. But also try do your best to make it obvious you are open and ok to him making the move. This way you don't have to worry about ruining any relationships. I mean the dude is married, this could go all sorts of south. You guys have had quite a few recent semi sexual conversations/interactions that can easily segue into something more. If you have another one, try to steer the conversation into something, vary cautiously, that shows you're open to it without saying or asking.

Another thing you could do is come out to him. I mean he's a close friend. It would be nice to have someone to be your true self with -- I speak from experience with this, I am mostly closeted and only recently within the past year came out to a few of my best male friends. My best friends knowing the real me has made my life so much better. If he finds out your orientation, it could prompt him to reveal more or even try making a move. No idea for certain, but yeah, it honestly sounds like you got a good chance at getting that dick, but you gotta play it super, super careful and let him make the move given the situation.

But also, seriously, something to consider. He may be horny. You may be horny and want his D. But he has to go home and look at his kid and wife after the deed is done. Are you ok with that?

 

[halcyondays]

He shares that kind of fun sexual banter with you. Do you with him? Or is it always one way?

Here's what I would do. Hit the ball in his court. Query him. When he asks if you hear him wanking reply with a question like, "Why? Did you want me to hear you wanking?" Follow up with, "Were you wanking to me?"

When he says he thinks you are cute reply with "Are you flirting with me?" Do it in light-hearted manner.

He may play the same game hitting the ball right back at you by replying with questions. Keep hitting the ball back into his court with more questions. If you can't think of one at least say "I asked first" or "you brought it up" or "you're the one who keeps bringing it up."

Tease him. "Are you looking at my crotch?" Or accuse him outright: "I think you're flirting with me."

Keep it light and fun. It may break the ice... if there's any to break. If not you will have shared some fun flirty banter.

BTW I love playing that game. It's the easiest way to find out if someone is flirting just for fun or really wants more. It may take more than one exchange to find out.

Good luck.

 

[Tight_End_SC]

I had a scenario like this that seemed to be progressing in what would have become a physical relationship. At this point we are great friends and have known each other for over 10 years. We are closer to each other than we are with our brothers actually. I have been there for him, and he has been there for me when we go through a tough time.

 

[chrisrobin]

One possibility is that he has repressed his bisexual side and would just like to experiment. Or just have a bonding wank session. I knew that straight guys do that when they are teenagers (been there done that) but only until recently I learned they discover this side of them or want to relive his experience as adults. We were both brought up in homophobic environment, it may be just hard for him to cross this boundary.

He never said anything strictly homophobic and we are pretty open bout some stuff, so if I made a move on him, it would probably not be a big deal for him.

I find the idea to be in intimate situation with him quite arousing but I would not like to push for anything. It took me some time to be ready to have sexual encounters with men. Before I make any move, I wanted to ask on LPSG because I read about similar situations here. I may be projecting way too much on him.

If he suspects me of being gay - I am almost certain he does - there are different ways to show his support than sending me those signals. After I came out to my other straight male friends, they acknowledged it then tactfully let me know what their boundaries were.

You mean to say he doesn't know you're gay?
Oh boy, the only way to find out if his intentions are for a bit of discrete fun is to "confess" you out of the closet.
Yes there are guys who want to find out about their sexuality with a little experimentation but they need to feel they are in a relatively safe zone.
I discovered this with a fireman, he'd had feelings but had gone down the family route of marriage.
From a very masculine working environment, he kept having ideas about what if. As it happens we both got drunk and "what if" turned into "he did".

 

[twister926]

Thank you for all your responses. I think the best way is just to come out to him and tell him about some funny experience in gay sauna or something lightweight like that. If he asks followup questions, he may be interested. Or maybe he will just say: "No shit, I always knew" and we will move on.

 

[deleted17938181]

Just wanted to share a particular situation I have now.
It's the same than yours. This guy winks at me every time he can, even with his wife by his side. He is married, children, etc.
He likes to hug me but not to rob me.
I had a boner today when he hugged me and hid it with a folder in an elevator.
We have talked about heterosexual sex but he has never talked about his dick or asked something like that about me.
I haven't pushed because he is married and I know his wife.
He is trying to loose weight and has developed a nice body to hug.
This situation has 4 years. Your post has helped to think about face this guy and cut this situation. If he is a curious I am concerned about his marriage. I know some straight guys winked for no reason, but thus guy is doing ot for 4 years!
A friend told me to begin to ask questions about his behavior and I will. It's uncomfortable and I want to know what is this.
I will keep you posted. As my opinion before was to preserve the friendship, today I thought I can't let this guy plays with me. He has to make a decision to stop.
I don't know what the heck is gonna happen if he responds positively to me. I have no relationship with no one right now, but I am concerned about he cheating and the consequences.

 

[deleted645178]

Best thing you can do is come out to him, tell him you need to be open and honest because you value his friendship do much,this may open the door to a more fulfilling friendship fir you both, ..keep us updated..Best of look x

 

[deleted18388141]

Just wanted to share a particular situation I have now.
It's the same than yours. This guy winks at me every time he can, even with his wife by his side. He is married, children, etc.
He likes to hug me but not to rob me.
I had a boner today when he hugged me and hid it with a folder in an elevator.
We have talked about heterosexual sex but he has never talked about his dick or asked something like that about me.
I haven't pushed because he is married and I know his wife.
He is trying to loose weight and has developed a nice body to hug.
This situation has 4 years. Your post has helped to think about face this guy and cut this situation. If he is a curious I am concerned about his marriage. I know some straight guys winked for no reason, but thus guy is doing ot for 4 years!
A friend told me to begin to ask questions about his behavior and I will. It's uncomfortable and I want to know what is this.
I will keep you posted. As my opinion before was to preserve the friendship, today I thought I can't let this guy plays with me. He has to make a decision to stop.
I don't know what the heck is gonna happen if he responds positively to me. I have no relationship with no one right now, but I am concerned about he cheating and the consequences.

I advice you to set boundries softly,
It might be a big habit he has to wink and does he do it only to you, maybe he does it in a friendly joking manner, i know people who do that.
if you are not comfortable with a hug let him know gently that it makes you feel uncomfortable at the moment to be touched in general... take distance.. invite him out and open up to him about that you like your friendship with him but that you want him to help make a safer space for you too without gossip that will do

 

[deleted17938181]

I advice you to set boundries softly,
It might be a big habit he has to wink and does he do it only to you, maybe he does it in a friendly joking manner, i know people who do that.
if you are not comfortable with a hug let him know gently that it makes you feel uncomfortable at the moment to be touched in general... take distance.. invite him out and open up to him about that you like your friendship with him but that you want him to help make a safer space for you too without gossip that will do

Thank you for your opinion!
It will help a lot to talk open.

 

[deleted18388141]

Thank you for your opinion!
It will help a lot to talk open.

sometimes it s better to avoid talking things out directly , detours are fine also, just think of your good being what would be the best strategy

 

[AllDixNeedLuv69]

the only thing i have to say is this----sometimes we see what we want to see

you probably like him--have a small crush on him so your mind thinks that he is thinking of you the same way--then you just see what you want to see in hoping you and him can be together

if you arent openlygay toward him that is going to be hard to do--

 

[deleted645178]

Best thing you can do is come out to him, tell him you need to be open and honest because you value his friendship do much,this may open the door to a more fulfilling friendship fir you both, ..keep us updated..Best of look x

My spelling is atrocious, sorry.

 

[thongboy]

What you write about him sounds like he's sending out signals. But what do those signals mean? Could be he is muddled about his own sexuality and some of the urges he feels. But if you respond by making a move, it might force him to draw back. At worst it might destroy a friendship that's important to you. I know I value my straight friendships and I would never do anything to harm them.

 

[memeflux]

Thank you for all your responses. I think the best way is just to come out to him and tell him about some funny experience in gay sauna or something lightweight like that. If he asks followup questions, he may be interested. Or maybe he will just say: "No shit, I always knew" and we will move on.

Do keep us update, ya

 

[deleted17938181]

What you write about him sounds like he's sending out signals. But what do those signals mean? Could be he is muddled about his own sexuality and some of the urges he feels. But if you respond by making a move, it might force him to draw back. At worst it might destroy a friendship that's important to you. I know I value my straight friendships and I would never do anything to harm them.

Yes, he sends signals. Yes, the friendship would be over.
@gingerito gave me a piece of advice very important: I have to move from people non available. There are tons of people available.
At some point, this person is trying to explore his sexuality and I am not his guiney pig hahaha.
I will let you know guys what happens next time I see this guy. Boundaries are important too with this person.