Really debated posting this but I feel I have nobody else to talk to about it and it's driving me insane and completely consuming my thoughts.
So me and my best friend have known eachother about 18 years now.
I'm openly bisexual and have been for a number of years now and he was actually the first person I came out to and he has been nothing but supportive ever since.
He is your typical run of the mill straight guy - a real ladies man - handsome as hell and a proper charmer (& a father, if that has any relevance)
We are both early 30's
I won't lie, in earlier years I was very attracted to him and regularly fantasized about him although I always knew it was unrealistic.
Fast forward to the present - I have matured hugely over the years and have had plenty of sexual encounters with like-minded men and women without the need to chase or fantasize about anyone in my friends circle. I have always strictly kept my sex partners and friendships separate.
Last week after a night out I went back to said friends house to continue drinking, which we did.
We chatted and chilled out for a bit. Before I knew it and I cannot recall how the conversation came up but he said to me that he would be into having sex with a trans person and asked me if I would to which I replied no I don't think so.
I was BLOWN AWAY by this statement because as I said, I could never have imagined him to be anything other than straight.
My next memory was him coming out of the toilet and he still had his jeans undone and was holding his dick in his hand laughing.
My initial reaction was shock and I said - 'wtf? Are you messing?'
He didn't reply just continued laughing. I (being the horny shameless fucker that I am ) then said give me a a taste.
Without hesitation he moved toward me at which point I got off the chair and on to my knees.
After a few minutes he suggested we go upstairs, which we did.
To cut a long story short - we had sex (but we didn't kiss) he was totally coherent and assertive, dominant even. After fooling around for a few minutes he told me he'd like to fuck me which I agreed to (even though that was a VERY risky move - I wasn't planning on having sex that night, so naturally hadn't, shal we say, prepared)
It was an amazing experience. The chemistry was incredible. He even told me to maintain eye contact at one point.
Afterwards I felt a little awkward, we've been friends for so long I didn't want to geoprodise what we had.
I asked him did he feel awkward and he said no, not at all, that was fun.
I left after that, feeling elated but scared.
The morning after he messaged me asking how I was and proceeded to tell me that he remembers nothing after a certain point from last night.
In the days that have followed he still maintains that he has no recollection of anything that happened in the latter part of the evening.
We have met up since and he even quizzed me on what I could remember and looked for reassurance from me that he hadn't made a fool of himself.
A part of me wants to believe that he can't remember, because maybe that reduces the risk of losing him.
But on the other hand I feel so confused about the whole thing and want him to acknowledge it.
I am going through a rollercoaster of emotions ever since and I just can't move on from it.
My younger self would have been delighted about the whole thing but in reality I feel incredibly disappointed that it happend because over the years I had accepted the fact that it would always just be a fantasy and to be thankful for having something much more valuable in our friendship.
I want to bring it up and talk about it to make sense of it as I feel it's making me feel crazy trying to suppress it but I don't want to say anything incase he doesn't believe me or isn't comfortable? In my mind I think the lack of memory is a distraction, but I've never had the experience of 'blackout' or memory loss from alcohol, which is probably why I don't buy in to the idea? Not to mention the fact that I'm sensitive towards his feelings and wouldn't want to make him recall something that he may not be comfortable with.
What should I do?
So me and my best friend have known eachother about 18 years now.
I'm openly bisexual and have been for a number of years now and he was actually the first person I came out to and he has been nothing but supportive ever since.
He is your typical run of the mill straight guy - a real ladies man - handsome as hell and a proper charmer (& a father, if that has any relevance)
We are both early 30's
I won't lie, in earlier years I was very attracted to him and regularly fantasized about him although I always knew it was unrealistic.
Fast forward to the present - I have matured hugely over the years and have had plenty of sexual encounters with like-minded men and women without the need to chase or fantasize about anyone in my friends circle. I have always strictly kept my sex partners and friendships separate.
Last week after a night out I went back to said friends house to continue drinking, which we did.
We chatted and chilled out for a bit. Before I knew it and I cannot recall how the conversation came up but he said to me that he would be into having sex with a trans person and asked me if I would to which I replied no I don't think so.
I was BLOWN AWAY by this statement because as I said, I could never have imagined him to be anything other than straight.
My next memory was him coming out of the toilet and he still had his jeans undone and was holding his dick in his hand laughing.
My initial reaction was shock and I said - 'wtf? Are you messing?'
He didn't reply just continued laughing. I (being the horny shameless fucker that I am ) then said give me a a taste.
Without hesitation he moved toward me at which point I got off the chair and on to my knees.
After a few minutes he suggested we go upstairs, which we did.
To cut a long story short - we had sex (but we didn't kiss) he was totally coherent and assertive, dominant even. After fooling around for a few minutes he told me he'd like to fuck me which I agreed to (even though that was a VERY risky move - I wasn't planning on having sex that night, so naturally hadn't, shal we say, prepared)
It was an amazing experience. The chemistry was incredible. He even told me to maintain eye contact at one point.
Afterwards I felt a little awkward, we've been friends for so long I didn't want to geoprodise what we had.
I asked him did he feel awkward and he said no, not at all, that was fun.
I left after that, feeling elated but scared.
The morning after he messaged me asking how I was and proceeded to tell me that he remembers nothing after a certain point from last night.
In the days that have followed he still maintains that he has no recollection of anything that happened in the latter part of the evening.
We have met up since and he even quizzed me on what I could remember and looked for reassurance from me that he hadn't made a fool of himself.
A part of me wants to believe that he can't remember, because maybe that reduces the risk of losing him.
But on the other hand I feel so confused about the whole thing and want him to acknowledge it.
I am going through a rollercoaster of emotions ever since and I just can't move on from it.
My younger self would have been delighted about the whole thing but in reality I feel incredibly disappointed that it happend because over the years I had accepted the fact that it would always just be a fantasy and to be thankful for having something much more valuable in our friendship.
I want to bring it up and talk about it to make sense of it as I feel it's making me feel crazy trying to suppress it but I don't want to say anything incase he doesn't believe me or isn't comfortable? In my mind I think the lack of memory is a distraction, but I've never had the experience of 'blackout' or memory loss from alcohol, which is probably why I don't buy in to the idea? Not to mention the fact that I'm sensitive towards his feelings and wouldn't want to make him recall something that he may not be comfortable with.
What should I do?
