Gay relationship advice needed

[Loldawn]

You both need to sit down and talk openly about what is currently going on with your relationship.

If at your mid thirties you are still in the closet and afraid to come out to your family as a couple, that adds a lot of unnecessary stress to the relationship. It is time to grow up and live your life the way you are intended to even if your family disagrees with it.

You need to communicate to him what about the relationship is making you unhappy and inept. Tell him you feel as though there is no longer an attraction. Ask plainly and simply if he is interested in someone else and/ or he has suggestions about how to remedy the problems you guys currently have.
Reading the previous posts it is possible he’s having sex on the side. It is possible he loves you but also likes having sex with other men. The fact that you have both cammed other people means you both cheated. Simple as that. At this point if you both want to stay together , perhaps the new normal will be an open relationship. Talk about it with honesty.
Also I don’t think looking at your partners phone is wrong at all. In fact it just shows you trust each other and there’s nothing to hide.
It’s not a boundary thing. I would hope after 8 years you’d be able to look at his phone if you wanted or fuck him three times a day or at least initiate something without worrying whether you’ll offend him or not.

 

[ILoveGames48]

I guess the title of the movie you watched.

I’ll get the title and post it

 

[Jasey91]

Hey guys!

I need an external perspective here, advice well appreciated. I’ll try to give a bit of context so this might turn out a long-ish post.
My boyfriend (36 M) and I (36 M) have been together for about 8 years. We’ve met on-line at planetromeo. We live like a 10 minutes walk away. Everyone keeps his place since parents are in the dark we’re gay. But basically we’re usually every evening together.
When we started dating we agreed we are exclusive and we talk about issues and don’t just bottle them down so we avoid a big fight boiling up.
In the beginning of our relationship we were as any couple in their honeymoon phase quite sexually active. He also shared with me that he’s masturbating, which, let’s face it, all of us gay guys do quite a bit as well, so I don’t mind. With the time however we’re having less and less sex. And this I do get, it’s kind of to be expected. He had a really bad family situation and this led to even less sex, to the point we were having it once a year. Don’t get me wrong, I’m totally supportive and do not insist.
I got turned down twice by him, where I explicitly asked for some sexy time. “I’m tired and not in the mood”. So I decided I won’t ask again. This brought a very hard time for me. I started thinking that I’m not attractive to him, I started working out as a maniac, started dieting, went to a dietitian and got medication prescribed although I could have done without it. No change by him. Then I thought maybe he’s not feeling attractive and that’s why he hasn’t made any moves. I stared complimenting him, boosting his ego. No change.
I’ve tried talking about sex asking why we’re not as active to which he answered kind of annoyed “Are you asking me to have sex now?”. No, not right now, rather in general. “I’ve got a lot going on right now”.
I’m not the jealous type of guy. I saw however he’s constantly on his phone and kind of secretively. I’ve seen some times while he’s browsing in his pics to find something to show me that he has taken nudes. Okay, maybe he wanted to see himself from a different angle, I’ve also taken nudes. But I got a bit sus.
A few months ago he forgot his apple watch at my place. I couldn’t but check out what’s going on. I don’t have a watch myself so I’m not aware of how to work with it, but I was able to find out that a guy has sent him nudes on messenger. There was no other communication except for the nudes. There was another guy he chatted but not like a flirt or sext. The convo was around “I’m horney, I’ve jerked off 2 times already today”. But no nudes, calls or what not.
A few days ago he passed out on the couch and I did my worst - checked out his phone in the bedroom. Few things I found out:
1. His nudes. As I wrote. That’s fine as a fact. BUT some of them were taken at my place. And others were taken while we were on vacation together and we didn’t have sex.
2. A lot of instagram video calls with this one guy. Initiated on both ends. With someone I haven’t met from OUR city. I must say he lives abroad.
3. A chat with a local guy I haven’t met where my bf wrote that I’m away for the holidays, he’s jerked off 2 times today and had sex with a neighbour, a jack who was pretending to be a cool dude.
Bf woke up and I pretended I was making the bed and asked him to join. He started looking for his phone, I said it’s already by the bed. No reaction.
I must confess I was kind of turned on by his nudes, after all he’s my boyfriend and I still find him attractive. It was late in the night, we’ve celebrated his birthday, so long story short - we had sex. It’s been more than year by this point since we last have. He told me the morning after he couldn’t sleep anymore after that.
What triggers me now are few things. He’s still active but not with me. I don’t believe he has cheated, rather wanted to look more like a player to the other guy he was chatting with.
I’m not triggered by the video calls. I’m also jerking off on-line but I WILL NEVER ENGAGE IN PERSON. It bothers me a bit that it was with a local guy. I don’t sext with guys from our city.
Also he didn’t reject me, he still finds me attractive?
I really love my man and want to maintain our relationship. I know how tough gay relationships are. What would you guys do in my situation?

I’d be like lowkey fuming, like we all have days where we are not so much off our partner but maybe feeling samey. It’s a hard one and I wouldn’t be able to keep my mouth shut like I’d of asked questions straight away. I guess we’re all different

 

[Northyara]

I was in a similar situation with a ex together for 1.5 years the first year was nonstop sex and couldn’t get enough of each other. After a year together we went on vacation together didn’t have sex and came home he went to his place I went to mine. A week went by no contact from him I went to his place and he was jerking off watching porn he got mad that I interrupted him again no contact for a week until he came over to mine to watch a movie after movie he said he was tired and went home once again no contact until I confronted him and asked why the lack of communication he said he was busy. This went on for another 3 months until we where at his parents for Christmas he was drunk and sleeping on the bed I looked through his phone found nudes and messages from a anonymous number I didn’t say anything but started planning my exit.
3 weeks after Christmas I came over to his place and saw a strange car parked in the drive way I walked around to the back of his house and saw through the French doors him getting spitroasted by 2 of our friends I walked in and confronted him and broke up with him and blocked the other 2 after a few weeks it turned out he had been carrying on with multiple guys behind my back. It started the day before our holiday with a guy from the gym and the day we came home from holiday he went over to the gym guys place to show off his white bits.

Thats fucked up. This is why I can't stand other gays sometimes. You can't even be friends because theres always some motive, and to do it behind your back.

 

[Kevinlair]

Thats fucked up. This is why I can't stand other gays sometimes. You can't even be friends because theres always some motive, and to do it behind your back.

I’m more upset with the 2 friends they where my mates since high school and myself and my family had their backs when their families couldn’t accept them been gay. One of them lived with my parents for 3years when he came out. They weren’t a couple just liked to fuck as part of a group.
I saw One of them last Christmas at a friend’s wedding we want to speak to me but I told him to do one. Later that night I was told he was sick and hadn’t much time left and wanted to make amends before he died. Still I won’t speak to him.
The other friend the one who lived with my family is still destroying friendships he has fucked so many of his friends over and broken so many of their relationships up by cheating with them.
My ex is now living a sad lonely life no family no friends no job.

 

[Northyara]

I’m more upset with the 2 friends they where my mates since high school and myself and my family had their backs when their families couldn’t accept them been gay. One of them lived with my parents for 3years when he came out. They weren’t a couple just liked to fuck as part of a group.
I saw One of them last Christmas at a friend’s wedding we want to speak to me but I told him to do one. Later that night I was told he was sick and hadn’t much time left and wanted to make amends before he died. Still I won’t speak to him.
The other friend the one who lived with my family is still destroying friendships he has fucked so many of his friends over and broken so many of their relationships up by cheating with them.
My ex is now living a sad lonely life no family no friends no job.

They let lust overcome themselves. Obviously doesn't care about you or your friendship. Talk about a slap to the face. Im glad you cut them out. They didn't care enough back then when they were all doing the deed, so why care now. I honestly would of snapped at them so hard if they attempted to talk to me.

 

[Lancechip69]

I say swap phones unlocked unannounced for 30 min. If you can do that and honestly not be mad or upset at what you see and then let it out, go for it. But being sneaky or mistrusting only creates a cycle of that behavior and it seems like he’s already doing some shady things. Yes, there’s a LOT of men who strictly get on apps, talk shit to other men, send some nudes and never ever meet up. But… if they are repeatedly contacted, they are in same city, etc then ‍

 

[Artr0]

UPDATE:
So a couple of months ago I got ahold of his mobile. I didn’t have much time but I was able to see he had grindr on it. We were visiting friends so I inhaled deeply, acted quite normal and waited till we get back home. On the way home I was quiet and he noticed that and kept asking what was going on. I just waited till we got home.
Once there I spilled the tea. I directly asked why he had grinder and he denied. I said I saw that on his phone. He replied he wanted to watch pics and chat. I asked whether he’s cheated on me and his reply was - only at the beginning of the relationship. I was crazy mad so I just went out with the dog and wanted to gather my thoughts and calm down. Once back I said that it’s ok this time. I asked whether he wants to stay in the relationship and we had a longish talk about our relationships.
Well call me stupid, I guess this is what love does to one. I wanted to believe he was truthful.
You won’t believe it but I kind of had a deja vu. We were visiting the same friends and the same happened - I got ahold of his phone again. Now, I’d never used grindr so I had no idea what to check, I looked for the app however and it was still on the phone. I went to the messages and wanted to check the once read. The second chat I opened was a convo about my now ex writing he’s on his way and the next message - the other should open the door.
Again, I didn’t want to cause a scene. Once home I told him I know that all and I want to have a serious conversation about our future. I want him to think about it and tell me when we talk. He suggested we sleep it over and we talk the next day. I agreed.
The next day he wrote to me he’ll come by shortly.
Once home I told him I loved, liked and respected him and reaffirmed I do want to work our issues out and continue the relationship. He said he respected, liked and loved me, but as a friend. Also - I deserved someone who would appreciate me better and that I have no deficiencies. We exchanged a few small items, settled the shared app accounts, hugged, and that was the end.

It’s been 1 month today since then. We chat some times, we have had a few meetings but that’s that. I’m happy I’m no longer with a guy who lied, cheated and treated me as given. Dating after 7,5 years in a relationship however is a completely different topic, if you are interested, I could open a new topic.

 

[tps87]

I'm sure that was painful but it also sounds like it had a pretty peaceful conclusion. You did right by yourself to keep digging to figure out what was going on. You, like everyone, deserves someone who is into you and will abide by the terms of your relationship that you had agreed on.

Yes it would be interesting to hear of your new experiences.

 

[ILoveGames48]

Well I can say this.. if someone I was with for several years.. sneaks and snoops on my phone to see what I was doing on it.. whether he thought I was cheating on him or not I’d end it right then and there


You had no right to snoop on his phone.. people think when in a relationship that everything is theirs to do with as please.. .. even if together for 6 months to 6 years we all still have a right to have things going on that each other don’t know about..

Just because he was on Grindr and other apps doesn’t mean he was cheating ..

Just because I see a guy on the street and say.. damn he looks fine or sexy as fuck .. doesn’t mean I’m cheating ..

As long as I go to bed with my fb/ fiancé is all that matters..

 

[Artr0]

Well I can say this.. if someone I was with for several years.. sneaks and snoops on my phone to see what I was doing on it.. whether he thought I was cheating on him or not I’d end it right then and there


You had no right to snoop on his phone.. people think when in a relationship that everything is theirs to do with as please.. .. even if together for 6 months to 6 years we all still have a right to have things going on that each other don’t know about..

Just because he was on Grindr and other apps doesn’t mean he was cheating ..

Just because I see a guy on the street and say.. damn he looks fine or sexy as fuck .. doesn’t mean I’m cheating ..

As long as I go to bed with my fb/ fiancé is all that matters..

You are entitled to have an opinion ‍

 

[ILoveGames48]

Yeah.. the thing is .. if wasn’t cheating on you and you snooped on his phone breaks the trust you two had .. so he leaves for not cheating… but for you snooping..

And he will think you so t trust him ever again .. so he finds someone else that will

 

[tps87]

Generally I would agree with that snooping is a breach of trust. My BF and I still keep our private emails, phones pins, etc. and don't share our passwords.

In this case, though, the original poster knew things were not right, tried to talk about it and got no where. He wanted to save the relationship but also wanted to know what was really happening. I think it was an extenuating circumstance. Without taking a peek he would still be struggling with what to do. Having the extra info brought everything into focus so he could move ahead.