Hi you guys, I'm sorry in advance for the long post. I just want to be as detailed as can be. There's a summary down below if this is too much to read. I appreciate any advice etc. I can get. Thank you.
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My boyfriend (25M) and I (25M) have been in an exclusive relationship for the last 5 months, however, we’ve been dating and in each other's lives for a year and some change. Naturally, we do have some other roadblocks to get over but I’m coming here to ask you all for help in the sex department of our relationship.
I’m not a very sexual person, but he is. I have my moments but for the most part, I’m more than ok just rubbing one out and calling it a day. Sex wasn’t too present in my previous relationship with women (He’s my first boyfriend). For the most part, he’s a top and I’m a bottom, although we do like to switch things up and switch. However, my lack of experience and bad performance anxiety always kicks in to the point where I end up getting soft. This happened with my ex-girlfriends as well. Between not knowing what to do and feeling a need to perform well/bust, I just mentally tap out and can never finish. To this day, I’ve never bust inside of someone.
I’m comfortable with him for the most part and he’s stressed several times that he wants his partner to be able to learn his body, go through trial and error, try new things that we like etc. and I definitely understand that. I mean, he’s learned the things I’ve liked and has no issue getting me turned on etc. He’s been very patient with me but it’s just not clicking on my end. I’ve tried being under the influence, I’ve tried relaxing, I’ve tried poppers and it’s just not working. Maybe I’m not meant to top at all?
He rides me sometimes and the penetration helps him bust but he got irritated the other day because he said that’s all I ever do when it comes to topping and that he wants to try other positions with me, but those other positions are where I end up getting soft/nervous. He said if wanted to ride all the time, he’d just get a dildo and call it a day.
I understand where he’s coming from but again, it just boils down to me not knowing what to do. He has years worth of experience on me and has had several other guys before me. I’ve been doing stuff with guys for less than two years but he’s been doing it since high school (At least 8 years). He said he’s had his fun over the years and doesn’t mind being a top or bottom in our relationship but that he’s with guys because of the dominant aspect. He has to be dominant/masculine in public so he likes to be submissive every now and then and be the one being dominated (= bottoming). He said even if I’m not dominant by nature, that it’s fine because he just wants to have that for a moment during sex. But I’m afraid that I just can’t measure up to that because of my inexperience and that makes me upset.
Again, he’s been very patient with me and I understand his perspective(s) but he recently told me that he’s sexually frustrated in our relationship, which leads me to the second issue. He’s not sexually frustrated because of what I mentioned before, he’s sexually frustrated because he feels as though I don’t “want” him.
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He said we don’t really flirt with each other and that there’s rarely ever any sexual tension between us. I told him I do flirt with him, because I do, but he said it doesn’t feel like it’s flirting because of the energy I give off. I told him sexual tension can be as simple as us getting hard from hugging, talking about certain topics, etc. He got drunk and told me that strangers will give him “the look” and indicate that they want to be in his pants more than I ever do. Being compared to a stranger was something we had a small argument about but at the end of the day, the message being conveyed is that he feels as though he’s not wanted.
Yeah, I show him affection and do cute things but there’s no sex drive behind that. He feels as though I don’t initiate things (sex, oral, etc.) and he’s right. I don’t. It’s not because I don’t want him. I just know that initiating things will lead to sex/me bottoming and I’m not always in the mood for that, especially since it’s a painful thing (Only at first. Once I’m loose, it turns into pleasure, but that still doesn’t stop me from bleeding a little bit).
We’ve improved on the pain aspect and go slowly, use lots of lube, get drunk sometimes, I'm eating more fiber, and use numbing lube as well, so we have sex more often but even so, it starts off painful, as you could imagine and it’s something I have to be in the mood to do. The thing is, I want him often. He sends me hot pictures and when I’m home alone I use those to help me bust. Sometimes more than twice a day. Post-nut clarity always kicks in right after though and I go on about my day, no longer in a sexual mood. I think it’s hot when I’m bottoming for him and we make eye contact. I like having sex but only when I’m in the mood to do it, which isn’t often. Maybe I should stop jerking off so much and bottle up the “need” to do it for when I see him so that the sexual tension can be there? I think that may help.
But at the same time, I know he’s a sexual person and I know that if I keep denying him of sex that his eyes will start to wander or the relationship will end, which is understandable. He has needs that aren’t being met.
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The last thing is piggybacking off of him saying he doesn’t get sexual energy from me. He said he thrives off of emotion during sex because of how intimate it is. I’ve always known him to be long-winded as hell (Another reason I don’t always like bottoming. He takes forever to nut and sometimes I just want it to be over so we can move on) but he said he can nut quickly if he’s feeling the right emotion/energy with his partner. He said it’s a mental thing for him. So in other words, I’m not doing enough for him to bust quickly or bust at all sometimes because of a lack of intimacy.
I’ve never made him bust from head , not once while we’ve known each other. How sad is that? He can do it to me easily but I can never do the same for him and I feel bad for that. I guess it ties back to not having the right energy since it’s a mental thing for him. Or maybe I’m just not doing it right? I know he likes nipple play and when I deepthroat and I try doing those things but again, it’s a mental thing for him. I’m not ugly and I have a decent body, so it just ties back to creating that intimate and emotional connection that’s supported with sexual tension. He responds well when I give him oral but he always ends up finishing himself off since I guess I can’t do it. Which also makes me feel bad.
I pre-cum easily because he turns me on but he’s never pre-cummed for me. He said he has with past partners if he was turned on enough. Another thing I feel bad about. I made him bust a few times from jerking him off. The only time I remember him being really into it was when I was talking him through it but I can’t even remember what I was saying. The only things I say these days are “You like that?” “You feel so good” etc. and I’m sure he’s noticing that pattern and getting tired of it. I don’t know what else to say.
I’m sorry, I know this is a lot to read but I just need help. I wanna be a good partner for him in bed. He’s been so patient with me and I still feel as though I’m not measuring up. I’m in desperate need of advice because I want us to work. If we could get through this, then things would be very solid in our relationship.
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I guess the main problems (TLDR) are:
Again, I’m sorry for the long post but I really do appreciate any advice or suggestions that you all can give. Thank you so much.
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My boyfriend (25M) and I (25M) have been in an exclusive relationship for the last 5 months, however, we’ve been dating and in each other's lives for a year and some change. Naturally, we do have some other roadblocks to get over but I’m coming here to ask you all for help in the sex department of our relationship.
I’m not a very sexual person, but he is. I have my moments but for the most part, I’m more than ok just rubbing one out and calling it a day. Sex wasn’t too present in my previous relationship with women (He’s my first boyfriend). For the most part, he’s a top and I’m a bottom, although we do like to switch things up and switch. However, my lack of experience and bad performance anxiety always kicks in to the point where I end up getting soft. This happened with my ex-girlfriends as well. Between not knowing what to do and feeling a need to perform well/bust, I just mentally tap out and can never finish. To this day, I’ve never bust inside of someone.
I’m comfortable with him for the most part and he’s stressed several times that he wants his partner to be able to learn his body, go through trial and error, try new things that we like etc. and I definitely understand that. I mean, he’s learned the things I’ve liked and has no issue getting me turned on etc. He’s been very patient with me but it’s just not clicking on my end. I’ve tried being under the influence, I’ve tried relaxing, I’ve tried poppers and it’s just not working. Maybe I’m not meant to top at all?
He rides me sometimes and the penetration helps him bust but he got irritated the other day because he said that’s all I ever do when it comes to topping and that he wants to try other positions with me, but those other positions are where I end up getting soft/nervous. He said if wanted to ride all the time, he’d just get a dildo and call it a day.
I understand where he’s coming from but again, it just boils down to me not knowing what to do. He has years worth of experience on me and has had several other guys before me. I’ve been doing stuff with guys for less than two years but he’s been doing it since high school (At least 8 years). He said he’s had his fun over the years and doesn’t mind being a top or bottom in our relationship but that he’s with guys because of the dominant aspect. He has to be dominant/masculine in public so he likes to be submissive every now and then and be the one being dominated (= bottoming). He said even if I’m not dominant by nature, that it’s fine because he just wants to have that for a moment during sex. But I’m afraid that I just can’t measure up to that because of my inexperience and that makes me upset.
Again, he’s been very patient with me and I understand his perspective(s) but he recently told me that he’s sexually frustrated in our relationship, which leads me to the second issue. He’s not sexually frustrated because of what I mentioned before, he’s sexually frustrated because he feels as though I don’t “want” him.
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He said we don’t really flirt with each other and that there’s rarely ever any sexual tension between us. I told him I do flirt with him, because I do, but he said it doesn’t feel like it’s flirting because of the energy I give off. I told him sexual tension can be as simple as us getting hard from hugging, talking about certain topics, etc. He got drunk and told me that strangers will give him “the look” and indicate that they want to be in his pants more than I ever do. Being compared to a stranger was something we had a small argument about but at the end of the day, the message being conveyed is that he feels as though he’s not wanted.
Yeah, I show him affection and do cute things but there’s no sex drive behind that. He feels as though I don’t initiate things (sex, oral, etc.) and he’s right. I don’t. It’s not because I don’t want him. I just know that initiating things will lead to sex/me bottoming and I’m not always in the mood for that, especially since it’s a painful thing (Only at first. Once I’m loose, it turns into pleasure, but that still doesn’t stop me from bleeding a little bit).
We’ve improved on the pain aspect and go slowly, use lots of lube, get drunk sometimes, I'm eating more fiber, and use numbing lube as well, so we have sex more often but even so, it starts off painful, as you could imagine and it’s something I have to be in the mood to do. The thing is, I want him often. He sends me hot pictures and when I’m home alone I use those to help me bust. Sometimes more than twice a day. Post-nut clarity always kicks in right after though and I go on about my day, no longer in a sexual mood. I think it’s hot when I’m bottoming for him and we make eye contact. I like having sex but only when I’m in the mood to do it, which isn’t often. Maybe I should stop jerking off so much and bottle up the “need” to do it for when I see him so that the sexual tension can be there? I think that may help.
But at the same time, I know he’s a sexual person and I know that if I keep denying him of sex that his eyes will start to wander or the relationship will end, which is understandable. He has needs that aren’t being met.
----------------------------------------------------------
The last thing is piggybacking off of him saying he doesn’t get sexual energy from me. He said he thrives off of emotion during sex because of how intimate it is. I’ve always known him to be long-winded as hell (Another reason I don’t always like bottoming. He takes forever to nut and sometimes I just want it to be over so we can move on) but he said he can nut quickly if he’s feeling the right emotion/energy with his partner. He said it’s a mental thing for him. So in other words, I’m not doing enough for him to bust quickly or bust at all sometimes because of a lack of intimacy.
I’ve never made him bust from head , not once while we’ve known each other. How sad is that? He can do it to me easily but I can never do the same for him and I feel bad for that. I guess it ties back to not having the right energy since it’s a mental thing for him. Or maybe I’m just not doing it right? I know he likes nipple play and when I deepthroat and I try doing those things but again, it’s a mental thing for him. I’m not ugly and I have a decent body, so it just ties back to creating that intimate and emotional connection that’s supported with sexual tension. He responds well when I give him oral but he always ends up finishing himself off since I guess I can’t do it. Which also makes me feel bad.
I pre-cum easily because he turns me on but he’s never pre-cummed for me. He said he has with past partners if he was turned on enough. Another thing I feel bad about. I made him bust a few times from jerking him off. The only time I remember him being really into it was when I was talking him through it but I can’t even remember what I was saying. The only things I say these days are “You like that?” “You feel so good” etc. and I’m sure he’s noticing that pattern and getting tired of it. I don’t know what else to say.
I’m sorry, I know this is a lot to read but I just need help. I wanna be a good partner for him in bed. He’s been so patient with me and I still feel as though I’m not measuring up. I’m in desperate need of advice because I want us to work. If we could get through this, then things would be very solid in our relationship.
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I guess the main problems (TLDR) are:
- I’m a bottom for the most part but he likes to bottom as well and likes the dominant aspect of being with a man (Being submissive, told what to do, etc.). I’m unconfident and inexperienced with topping and so I get soft and mentally tap out no matter what I try. How can I get over this and be better for him?
- He’s sexually frustrated because he feels as though he always initiates sex etc. (He does) and that it feels as though I don’t want him in that way. I do, but I just don’t portray that because I’m not always in the mood. I don’t always feel like going through the pain of bottoming and I can’t top either for reasons I explained up there ^. I beat my meat alone 2-3 times a day, a lot of times to pictures of him, so that may play a big hand in things because I do want him often, he just doesn’t receive it
- Him nutting is tied to how intimate the sex etc. is as he’s a person who feeds off of energy. I’ve never made him nut off of oral and getting him to nut from jerking off can be a chore and he often has to finish himself. He can make me nut fast as hell though. I want to build more of an intimate/emotional sexual connection with him while we’re doing things so that he can nut faster/nut in general. What can I say or do?
Again, I’m sorry for the long post but I really do appreciate any advice or suggestions that you all can give. Thank you so much.
