Story Time: Why My Throat is My Butt
My sexual awakening to my gay side was pretty rough, for the unusual circumstance of handling it alone. When I was a kid my parents had a satellite dish and I figured out pretty fast when they were away (latchkey kid) how to unlock the mechanism so I could aim it and get the porn channel at the time: American EXstacy. Thus at the tender age of 11 or 12 I found myself in possession of a feed on non-stop almost-XXX porn.
The channel had limitations. This was the 80's so I don't think they showed direct penetration. But they showed the big names porn films from the biggest stars out there at the time. As a result, this included the biggest cocks yet committed to film like John Holmes and Sean Michaels, often fully visible in handjobs and blowjobs. Already with my head swimming with sexual discovery in general, I discovered I had a strong lustful response to the sight of a big, hard cock.
On one of these "proto-gooner" occasions, I managed to find my mom's stash of sex toys while rifling through her things. I was a quiet and well-behaved kid, often trusted by my two working parents to watch myself for hours at a stretch. Secretly I was searching the house pretty often. Eventually I knew everything that everybody had and where it was kept... including my mom's thick, long, rubbery vibrating dildo. On this one fateful day, filled with confused young cock-lust, I busted it out.
What I didn't know or understand was anything about lube; what it was, why it exists, why anyone needs it. It certainly didn't exist in any way in any of these videos I was watching. Girl's holes didn't need it. The cocks just went right in. But when I tried while jerking off to fuck my own butt with this thing, I discovered my butt was very dry. The tip just... pushed against the hole. Necessity became the mother of invention and I discovered lube as a concept, even if I had no knowledge of all the science that had made something like KY Jelly so vital in its particular properties.
So I grabbed a bottle of hand lotion. I lubed up that monster thing with a copious amount of thin Jergens and proceeded to start to insert it. The stretch of the head opening the hole was nice, so I pushed it in with gusto. Unbeknownst to me, my tight ass squeegied all the lotion off this veiny, mushroom-headed, rubberized simulated monster.
I felt an incredible pain explode in me; something bad had happened. I was hurt, it kept hurting. I cleaned everything up and put everything away and kept hurting quietly. I never told anyone. It hurt for weeks. I mean, it hurt for years, really, but it hurt constantly for weeks. Walking, sitting, moving around. Agony. Deep inside. Every muscle clenched every time I pooped. Eventually it faded. But as I mentioned, never entirely. It would return, this deep indescribable pain. Sometimes just a pang, here and gone. Sometimes a return to almost-fresh pain that would go on and on as I sweated and writhed silently. Never a good reason, not related to poop or sex. Seemingly random. Something deep inside there I'd ruined.
This honestly really, really sucked. For much of my life.
At least, I suppose this experience helped cement for me that I was bisexual. I couldn't really forget and push it away, like a lot of boys do with their youthful curiosities. It stayed with me, but it steered me too. I am a "side" with men, and although the term is about as mid as you can get, at least there is one now. I am not interested in butt stuff. My butt is a mess, a disaster zone. I'm older now I got hemorrhoids, diverticulitis, I can barely keep the damned thing clean as it doesn't have the firm seal everyone else enjoys. I have nothing but a sense of terror when anyone approaches that hole in any way. I never want anyone near it.
So my throat is my butt. I was relentlessly orally-fixated anyway but I'm truly in the position of being unavoidably oral-only with men, so if I can't get a guy off with my mouth and throat, I cannot get that guy off. For a lot of men, this just won't work. They have to breed. They want to fuck a body they feel under them, pressing a full body with their full body, lined up with a bouncing butt in their pubes. I get that. This is what I enjoy with my wife, along with also being relentlessly oral with her.
So I guess early on I ruined and removed one of my "gay tools" from my life, and had to compensate in other areas. Its too bad too because I have a nice butt. It's just a lure, though. I'm only interested in men that are focused on receiving lots of head. And, perhaps still a bit formed by the experience of discovering my mom's toys and interests, I am definitely a size queen. This, and marrying young, kept my man-to-man experiences fairly limited and focused throughout my life. Occasional, with men very focused on the oral experience. I knew my limitations, so I trained my throat with practice on dildos, in my adult gooning sessions. I got good at doing with what I wanted for the type of men I was seeking. And I've been lucky and enjoyed some hot experiences with some good matches, even some regulars for a while. Especially my first guy, but that is another story...