Open Relationship Biases

[Countryguy63]

*Warning - EXTREMELY LONG POST. Don't have time, scroll by, dont bitch

I know, I know,, this has been hashed out many times, but too bad, I still am posting it!

Responding to this thread https://www.lpsg.com/threads/how-many-sexual-partners-have-you-had-in-2019.1109251/ got me thinking. Any time Open Relationships are brought up, inevitably those opposed to it will start throwing around insults like "You're partner is not meeting your needs, etc", "Slut (and even the "Wh" word"), "You don't really love each other", and a host of many others. I often wonder why those opposed to it, feel the need to verbally attack it and those that are involved in one.

My partner and I have been together for 10 years, and our relationship and love for each other couldn't be stronger than it is now. It just continues to grow each year. During our 1st 5 years, we were totally monogamous, and it was awesome and amazing. During that time, we developed a love, respect, and trust that I had never experienced before, even in my 12 year marriage prior to that.

I had always been open to an Open Relationship, but it was not something he was interested in, which was fine with me. Believe me when I say, having sex with him and only him for the rest of my life was/is NOT a bad thing at all!! . It was somewhere around 5 years, we were talking one night, and the subject came up (I think it might have even been a thread here). He expressed to me that previously, he had some of the same misconceptions and fears as I expressed above. "being with others because something is lacking in the relationship, might find someone I liked better, etc.". He said, and we both agreed that, that was indeed not the case. In fact I still feel that there is NO ONE out there better, and/or better for me, than him. It's not even possible (and I believe him when he says he feels that way also). We both agreed that we'd open it up, with the understanding that if it became too uncomfortable for one or both, we would go back to being monog.

Most successful Open Relationships, contrary to the myths, are not "free for all"s. Boundaries and guidelines, and lots of communication is definitely advisable. There are things that one or both of us feel are too intimate and are off the table. Everything is mutually agreed on and feelings are clear to avoid as many uncomfortable situations as possible. Those things are different depending on the couple.

As expected, in the beginning, it's new and exciting and probably when the most activity happens. After a while it just becomes "a thing". Sometimes, it's both of us together, but usually because of our different preferences, it's just one of us and the other person. We'll always ask, but most of the time the other will be "Nah, not for me. Go have fun". Sometimes even that will lead to some hot sex when we're back together

It's always discussed beforehand, and if separate, we always text the name, phone number, and address of where we're meeting for safety reasons. (Unfortunately, in today's world, you can never be too safe). Sometimes, we'll discuss how it went, what happened, etc. Sometimes, it's just a quick "How was it? Have fun?, Did they look like their pictures? The majority of times it happens when one of us is away traveling. He has one local guy that he'll get with occasionally, but I really haven't found anyone locally that interests me.

See, it's not about "looking for someone else". It's about being totally happy with each other, but if we happen to see someone and think "They look like they could be fun", and knowing that we can go spend an hour or so with them, and it has NO negative effect or connotations on our relationship, at all. A few of them have actually led to friendships, and we'll all visit when the opportunity presents itself. It's also not about replacing or looking for better. That ain't never gonna happen

I compare it to cars. My partner loves luxury cars, and drives the one of his choice (I have a basic Ford 4WD F250 truck, lol). If he wanted another, we'd buy it instead. We have a close friend that is heir to a well known company that has several luxury and high end sports cars. We do enjoy driving his cars once in a while. It's just a fun and different experience. However, we do not want to sell my partners, or even trade for one of his. If we did, we would.


In the thread mentioned above, I honestly answered "one" (him), and that's by choice and I'm happy with it. In fact, as mentioned, we'd both be fine and happy with that if it were the case from now on. The fact that one or both of us may meet up with someone at some point for an hour of fun, doesn't change that one bit.

So, my question to those that want monogamy, AND feel the need to criticize, insult, and verbally attack those that feel differently, is WHY? I don't feel like you're wrong or need to change just because I prefer to be open. Why do you feel that I, or we are?

 

[LaFemme]

I’m going to answer anyway, even though I don’t have any criticism.

I think what the two of you have together is incredible. You have discussed and communicated the boundaries of your relationship and it works for you. I have no problems with open relationships. They just aren’t for me. I had one once and it didn’t work. He did find someone, I don’t want to say “better”, but someone that he connected with emotionally better than I. But that can happen regardless of whether one is in an open relationship or not. What I have discovered about myself is that I’m wired for monogamy. That’s ok, too.

Anyway, give my best to Alpha!

 

[Countryguy63]

I’m going to answer anyway, even though I don’t have any criticism.

I think what the two of you have together is incredible. You have discussed and communicated the boundaries of your relationship and it works for you. I have no problems with open relationships. They just aren’t for me. I had one once and it didn’t work. He did find someone, I don’t want to say “better”, but someone that he connected with emotionally better than I. But that can happen regardless of whether one is in an open relationship or not. What I have discovered about myself is that I’m wired for monogamy. That’s ok, too.

Anyway, give my best to Alpha!

Wish LPSG had a reaction, along with the "like"

 

[shard38]

Same here. Had an open relationship with my previous partner and we sometimes went to sex parties, clubs, had meetings with others on our own or invited a third into our bed. My current partner was one of the guys who joined us sometimes. The relationship broke down, which had nothing to do with being non-monogamous. I grew closer to my current partner and we became a couple. In the beginning we had an open relationship, which seemed natural, as that was how we started out in the first place. But after time he confessed to me that his interest in others had disappeared and that he didn’t like sharing me anymore. So we reversed and now we are monogamous. I don’t know if it will stay like this forever, but I have to say that it is easier for me than I expected.

But I totally agree with Countryguy. I will never understand why people will judge someone elses lifestyle or choices when it doesn’t affect you at all.

 

[1179690]

We have an open relationship too and it is working well for us. Well, it is actually just me having sex with other guys, but in theory hubby could.
Lots of communication. Upside: I never feel the need to cheat on him. Result: 100% trust in each other.

 

[1179690]

Oh and one more thing. Even when I have the most mindblowing sex with a guy, hubby always comes first. He is my soulmate and he could veto any guy I am seeing. He has rarely used that veto right though as he gets a kick out of my adventures. And he knows that I would never leave him for another guy in a million years.

Only once has he asked for me to stop seeing a guy, when I was having my ex-boyfriend over several nights in a row and the guy was humiliating him every time after he had sex with me in our bedroom. It was a shame because the sex was out of this world. Usually hubby does not mind some mild humiliation, but I think that was also a bit of competition between the guys, because he was my Ex and really well endowed.
Since then I am also very careful about who I bring home.
Bottom line, hubby comes first, because I appreciate all the freedom he gives me.

 

[sgdgolf]

Oh and one more thing. Even when I have the most mindblowing sex with a guy, hubby always comes first. He is my soulmate and he could veto any guy I am seeing. He has rarely used that veto right though as he gets a kick out of my adventures. And he knows that I would never leave him for another guy in a million years.

Only once has he asked for me to stop seeing a guy, when I was having my ex-boyfriend over several nights in a row and the guy was humiliating him every time after he had sex with me in our bedroom. It was a shame because the sex was out of this world. Usually hubby does not mind some mild humiliation, but I think that was also a bit of competition between the guys, because he was my Ex and really well endowed.
Since then I am also very careful about who I bring home.
Bottom line, hubby comes first, because I appreciate all the freedom he gives me.

Thank you sweetie, that is really nice of you to say. You know I always got your back, so go have some more fun. And if your Ex is so much fun in bed, go ahead and have him over. I am sure I can handle his stupid jokes. Love you always.

 

[1179690]

Thank you sweetie, that is really nice of you to say. You know I always got your back, so go have some more fun. And if your Ex is so much fun in bed, go ahead and have him over. I am sure I can handle his stupid jokes. Love you always.

Thanks honey. My Ex is coming over tonight. Don't work too late.

 

[rtg]

I couldn’t be bothered reading it all. And I don’t have an opinion other than I know it’s just personally something I couldn’t do.

But I thought I’d share an interesting opinion I heard on Dr Phil the other day. He reckons that polyamorous relationships don’t work and he’s NEVER seen them work. Big statement. Maybe he should have someone from lpsg on his show for a different perspective lol

 

[Sagittarius84]

*Warning - EXTREMELY LONG POST. Don't have time, scroll by, dont bitch

I know, I know,, this has been hashed out many times, but too bad, I still am posting it!

Responding to this thread https://www.lpsg.com/threads/how-many-sexual-partners-have-you-had-in-2019.1109251/ got me thinking. Any time Open Relationships are brought up, inevitably those opposed to it will start throwing around insults like "You're partner is not meeting your needs, etc", "Slut (and even the "Wh" word"), "You don't really love each other", and a host of many others. I often wonder why those opposed to it, feel the need to verbally attack it and those that are involved in one.

My partner and I have been together for 10 years, and our relationship and love for each other couldn't be stronger than it is now. It just continues to grow each year. During our 1st 5 years, we were totally monogamous, and it was awesome and amazing. During that time, we developed a love, respect, and trust that I had never experienced before, even in my 12 year marriage prior to that.

I had always been open to an Open Relationship, but it was not something he was interested in, which was fine with me. Believe me when I say, having sex with him and only him for the rest of my life was/is NOT a bad thing at all!! . It was somewhere around 5 years, we were talking one night, and the subject came up (I think it might have even been a thread here). He expressed to me that previously, he had some of the same misconceptions and fears as I expressed above. "being with others because something is lacking in the relationship, might find someone I liked better, etc.". He said, and we both agreed that, that was indeed not the case. In fact I still feel that there is NO ONE out there better, and/or better for me, than him. It's not even possible (and I believe him when he says he feels that way also). We both agreed that we'd open it up, with the understanding that if it became too uncomfortable for one or both, we would go back to being monog.

Most successful Open Relationships, contrary to the myths, are not "free for all"s. Boundaries and guidelines, and lots of communication is definitely advisable. There are things that one or both of us feel are too intimate and are off the table. Everything is mutually agreed on and feelings are clear to avoid as many uncomfortable situations as possible. Those things are different depending on the couple.

As expected, in the beginning, it's new and exciting and probably when the most activity happens. After a while it just becomes "a thing". Sometimes, it's both of us together, but usually because of our different preferences, it's just one of us and the other person. We'll always ask, but most of the time the other will be "Nah, not for me. Go have fun". Sometimes even that will lead to some hot sex when we're back together

It's always discussed beforehand, and if separate, we always text the name, phone number, and address of where we're meeting for safety reasons. (Unfortunately, in today's world, you can never be too safe). Sometimes, we'll discuss how it went, what happened, etc. Sometimes, it's just a quick "How was it? Have fun?, Did they look like their pictures? The majority of times it happens when one of us is away traveling. He has one local guy that he'll get with occasionally, but I really haven't found anyone locally that interests me.

See, it's not about "looking for someone else". It's about being totally happy with each other, but if we happen to see someone and think "They look like they could be fun", and knowing that we can go spend an hour or so with them, and it has NO negative effect or connotations on our relationship, at all. A few of them have actually led to friendships, and we'll all visit when the opportunity presents itself. It's also not about replacing or looking for better. That ain't never gonna happen

I compare it to cars. My partner loves luxury cars, and drives the one of his choice (I have a basic Ford 4WD F250 truck, lol). If he wanted another, we'd buy it instead. We have a close friend that is heir to a well known company that has several luxury and high end sports cars. We do enjoy driving his cars once in a while. It's just a fun and different experience. However, we do not want to sell my partners, or even trade for one of his. If we did, we would.


In the thread mentioned above, I honestly answered "one" (him), and that's by choice and I'm happy with it. In fact, as mentioned, we'd both be fine and happy with that if it were the case from now on. The fact that one or both of us may meet up with someone at some point for an hour of fun, doesn't change that one bit.

So, my question to those that want monogamy, AND feel the need to criticize, insult, and verbally attack those that feel differently, is WHY? I don't feel like you're wrong or need to change just because I prefer to be open. Why do you feel that I, or we are?

I cant speak as to every person's motivations for doing so, but I suspect some of the flak you might get from straight men specifically arises because of statements like this:

We have an open relationship too and it is working well for us. Well, it is actually just me having sex with other guys, but in theory hubby could.

Almost every single account Ive come across of hetero folk beginning an open relationship devolves to this point, in that only her end actually practices the openness.
In general I think it speaks to what many, myself included, feel will be the inevitable conclusion that one party is going to be more satisfied with the benefits of freedom than the other is going to be okay with the compromises of it. Beyond my own territoriality in any other men being involved with my wife, the reality is, if I were ok with an open arrangement, there's no real guarantee I'd experience any bettering of my sex life, in fact Id probably be cutting into the sex I get now so that she could fuck someone else.
. I think bi and homosexual couples maybe have a couple advantages at this construct stemming from either side having as much outer appeal as the other.

 

[cherryboom66]

I have a weird, triggering aversion to it based on my own life. So any criticisms I spew are all projections, really.

I have never been in the position to be in love, never experienced it, never been given the chance. So I just get angry when people are in love, have found what I have never been able to find, then want everyone else’s cake whilst having their own.

Then there’s further projections of spending my 20s being a mistress to many married men as they were the only guys who “wanted me”, but then it was only wanting me for sex. So, being with people but *not* being with them, seeing them grow old with their families and wives whilst I’m growing old alone.

Shit, this subject really cuts deep for me. But as I said, it’s all just about me and my own self hatred and insecurities.

 

[Sagittarius84]

I have a weird, triggering aversion to it based on my own life. So any criticisms I spew are all projections, really.

I have never been in the position to be in love, never experienced it, never been given the chance. So I just get angry when people are in love, have found what I have never been able to find, then want everyone else’s cake whilst having their own.

Then there’s further projections of spending my 20s being a mistress to many married men as they were the only guys who “wanted me”, but then it was only wanting me for sex. So, being with people but *not* being with them, seeing them grow old with their families and wives whilst I’m growing old alone.

Shit, this subject really cuts deep for me. But as I said, it’s all just about me and my own self hatred and insecurities.

I had thought about this as well...how "open relationship" is often a front for a spouse/SO to dissuade a potential lover's misgivings with getting involved with a person already in a relationship...I think its more apt to be triggering when only one half of the equation is reporting openness or only one half of the equation has actually engaged in openness.

 

[cherryboom66]

I had thought about this as well...how "open relationship" is often a front for a spouse/SO to dissuade a potential lover's misgivings with getting involved with a person already in a relationship...I think its more apt to be triggering when only one half of the equation is reporting openness or only one half of the equation has actually engaged in openness.

I’ve seen this a lot too. I *feel* (imho) that it’s often not 50/50, but a way to still be together. So they just go with it... But I really just think about the outsider as that has been me. Always being second best, generally just wanted for sex, never having the sleeping over and snuggling. It sucks.

 

[rtg]

I have a weird, triggering aversion to it based on my own life. So any criticisms I spew are all projections, really.

I have never been in the position to be in love, never experienced it, never been given the chance. So I just get angry when people are in love, have found what I have never been able to find, then want everyone else’s cake whilst having their own.

Then there’s further projections of spending my 20s being a mistress to many married men as they were the only guys who “wanted me”, but then it was only wanting me for sex. So, being with people but *not* being with them, seeing them grow old with their families and wives whilst I’m growing old alone.

Shit, this subject really cuts deep for me. But as I said, it’s all just about me and my own self hatred and insecurities.

*hugs*

 

[Sagittarius84]

I’ve seen this a lot too. I *feel* (imho) that it’s often not 50/50, but a way to still be together. So they just go with it...

I too think this gets discounted so much more than it should...So many people are willing to sacrifice things they wouldn't normally if that is presented the only way to keep their spouse/SO, so it can be hard not to be extra vigilant in discerning that notion when people report on the one sided reality of their open arrangement.

 

[Sagittarius84]

But I thought I’d share an interesting opinion I heard on Dr Phil the other day. He reckons that polyamorous relationships don’t work and he’s NEVER seen them work. Big statement. Maybe he should have someone from lpsg on his show for a different perspective lol

I think Ive heard him give the same opinion, and to his credit I don't think much evidence really gets put out there for any of us to assume open relationships are healthy and functional. I think there's a double edged sword to what makes the few examples work, and that's in the discretion. The loudest and most populous of voices are the failures or the ones doomed to fail at some point. The successes are either not widely publicized, or scandalized after the fact by others without the parties involved given an opportunity to clarify.
But open relationships are used so much as a tactic today, whether to satiate greed, or avoid making decisions with consequences they are not prepared to withstand, that I think it's really hard to conceive of a genuine or organic way for two people to successfully have an open relationship.

 

[shard38]

For me personally sex is always more about pleasure than about love. Most if not all things I do for pleasure I am willing to share. I am not willing to share my deepest emotions and connections with everyone. That is reserved for my partner.

 

[328982]

I think it's really hard to conceive of a genuine or organic way for two people to successfully have an open relationship.

But you don’t need to conceive of it. You have the example above of Countryguy's successful open relationship. And many others. It's not for me maybe but it works fine for some and it's not really anyone else's business or place to judge, imo.

 

[cherryboom66]

But you don’t need to conceive of it. You have the example above of Countryguy's successful open relationship. And many others. It's not for me maybe but it works fine for some and it's not really anyone else's business or place to judge, imo.

Didn’t sound like he was judging. He was saying it’s hard for him to comprehend in his Sagittarius brain. It’s an open discussion and I said much worse to be fair, based on my own experiences.

 

[328982]

Didn’t sound like he was judging. He was saying it’s hard for him to comprehend in his Sagittarius brain. It’s an open discussion and I said much worse to be fair, based on my own experiences.

We'll have to agree to disagree. When someone says there's little evidence that a type of relationship is 'honest' or 'functional', that it's used mostly as a 'tactic to satiate greed', and 'it's really hard to conceive of a genuine way' two people can successfully have that kind of a relationship, that reads to me like a value judgement.

That's his opinion, which is fine, and I'm putting forward my point of view. An open discussion.