Ya’ll Help - My Best Friend Confusing Af

[Bull9in]

So firstly I want to thank you for taking the time to respond . As I can see that took some effort and consideration on your part.

But what I have difficulty with is , the stock response all gay people tend to give each other .
a lot of you put the straight person on this perfect pedestal , where there behaviour is not questionable , and immediately they gay person is the ‘wrong’ one in the situation. The gay person is the predatory one , being so silly and deluded they are seeing things that are not there . It’s almost like a form of internalised homophobia that WE are always wrong and there’s not situation where a guy questioning how sexuality could be sending mixed signals and I can’t take that about this community sometimes .
It’s the automatic go-to that the gay guy is ‘seeing things they want to see’.
Even in the perspective of the girlfriend, you’ve made her suspicious of ‘Me’ ? Lol and I have to laugh , because I clearly said she leaves the room ,and HE begins to touch me .

This is borderline comparative to someone being sexually assaulted and the victim getting the blame .

HE’s the one who puts his hand up/down my pants and tells me how smooth and soft my legs are continuously.
HE’s the one who plays with my butt hairs
HE’s the one who asks for hundreds of photos of my feet
HE’s the one who constantly plays with my nipples
HE’s the one who’s always tryna pull down my pants when his gf isn’t looking
HE’s the one asking about my nudes and wanting to see my nude videos
HE’s the one asking to see videos of guys cummin on my face
HE’s the one always asking about the tightness of my asshole, making me prove it
HE’s the one rubbing my knees on car journeys and resting his hand on mine in private
HE’s the one who says he’s curious about my nude videos because I make them seem enticing.

I have on numerous occasions tried to be normal straight friends and even talk about straight sex, but nope , he wants to talk gay stuff . He is uncomfortable talking about girls/sex .

I’m honestly sick of being automatically told it’s all on my head . Because I’m not that stupid .
I’ve already said I’m happy to ignore his behaviour and create some distance , I’m just not going to be labelled the predator or wrong doer here.

So I will correct you, because you are wrong .

I think you have totally missed the point here. I for one, never told you it was all in your head...in fact, I am not sure where you would have gotten that idea. Likewise, many, many responses here (considered and compassionate, all of them) have neither blamed or shamed you. If that is what you got from it, I might heartily suggest you reread them, or do a bit of self-reflection as to why that is the meaning you made of them.

To be clear, I do not think you are a predator, I do not think you are deluded, neither do I think you are imagining anything you have described. And nothing in my response to you suggested, intimated, or stated that.

I do believe, and from what I have read from others on this thread so do a fair number of others, that this guy is BAD NEWS for your psyche. He is BAD NEWS for your heart. He is, ahem, BAD NEWS. How in all that's gay and wonderful does that make YOU a predator?

From what I can tell now, from your description immediately above of his behavior, this guy is a user par excellance. He seems to get off on the attention, and he is using you for his pleasure - and his pleasure is making you dance on a string for his amusement/gratification/satisfaction. It is cruel, since he knows how you feel for him. HE is the predator, as he constantly dangles hope in front of you, then blithely whisks it away when the conversation turns serious. HE lacks integrity, as he is doing this behind his girlfriend's back. He is a spider who has trapped you in his web, and he is draining you every minute you are around him. Just look how much time, energy and emotion you have expended trying to figure out his rigged game? SIX YEARS????? Clear enough for you?

In the end, it DOES NOT MATTER whether he is gay, bi, looking, curious, confused as hell, or straight as an arrow. It does not matter if you are Brad Pitt himself, with the biggest assets this side of the Mississippi, and all straight guys helplessly prostrate themselves at your perfectly pedicured feet. It does not matter, because as long as you play his game, you are stuck on his treadmill, constantly chasing something YOU WILL NEVER have. Again, you have been doing this with him for SIX YEARS!!! He is not, cannot offer you the healthy relationship you deserve, because he is not healthy. If I had to guess, I would say narcissistic personality disorder, at least. And if you keep this up, you will not be healthy either. You're already seeing persecution where there is none.

And by the way, this is not borderline sexual assault, in my opinion. The headgames he is playing, while grabbing your ass, or cupping your balls, qualify as full-on assault, mental and physical. Wanna see how fast this whole charade ends? The next time he shoves his paw down your drawers, yank his pants down, shove a finger up his ass, and start giving him a handy. Stick your tongue as far down his throat as you can while you're at it.You can tell him he was just too enticing, and you wanted to see how tight HIS asshole was. I have a feeling you will not have to worry about this situation much beyond that, if he doesn't rip your finger off in his haste to run out the door. With what you have said he has continually done to you, wouldn't you think that you have an intimate enough relationship to reciprocate in all these years? Yeah, me neither. Because he is abusing you. You are the victim here, and you have a victim mentality. I am NOT blaming you. Hear me.

He is abusing you. Please see him for the wounded soul he is, and get your balance back.

 

[LikesBoys]

I think you have totally missed the point here. I for one, never told you it was all in your head...in fact, I am not sure where you would have gotten that idea. Likewise, many, many responses here (considered and compassionate, all of them) have neither blamed or shamed you. If that is what you got from it, I might heartily suggest you reread them, or do a bit of self-reflection as to why that is the meaning you made of them.

To be clear, I do not think you are a predator, I do not think you are deluded, neither do I think you are imagining anything you have described. And nothing in my response to you suggested, intimated, or stated that.

I do believe, and from what I have read from others on this thread so do a fair number of others, that this guy is BAD NEWS for your psyche. He is BAD NEWS for your heart. He is, ahem, BAD NEWS. How in all that's gay and wonderful does that make YOU a predator?

From what I can tell now, from your description immediately above of his behavior, this guy is a user par excellance. He seems to get off on the attention, and he is using you for his pleasure - and his pleasure is making you dance on a string for his amusement/gratification/satisfaction. It is cruel, since he knows how you feel for him. HE is the predator, as he constantly dangles hope in front of you, then blithely whisks it away when the conversation turns serious. HE lacks integrity, as he is doing this behind his girlfriend's back. He is a spider who has trapped you in his web, and he is draining you every minute you are around him. Just look how much time, energy and emotion you have expended trying to figure out his rigged game? SIX YEARS????? Clear enough for you?

In the end, it DOES NOT MATTER whether he is gay, bi, looking, curious, confused as hell, or straight as an arrow. It does not matter if you are Brad Pitt himself, with the biggest assets this side of the Mississippi, and all straight guys helplessly prostrate themselves at your perfectly pedicured feet. It does not matter, because as long as you play his game, you are stuck on his treadmill, constantly chasing something YOU WILL NEVER have. Again, you have been doing this with him for SIX YEARS!!! He is not, cannot offer you the healthy relationship you deserve, because he is not healthy. If I had to guess, I would say narcissistic personality disorder, at least. And if you keep this up, you will not be healthy either. You're already seeing persecution where there is none.

And by the way, this is not borderline sexual assault, in my opinion. The headgames he is playing, while grabbing your ass, or cupping your balls, qualify as full-on assault, mental and physical. Wanna see how fast this whole charade ends? The next time he shoves his paw down your drawers, yank his pants down, shove a finger up his ass, and start giving him a handy. Stick your tongue as far down his throat as you can while you're at it.You can tell him he was just too enticing, and you wanted to see how tight HIS asshole was. I have a feeling you will not have to worry about this situation much beyond that, if he doesn't rip your finger off in his haste to run out the door. With what you have said he has continually done to you, wouldn't you think that you have an intimate enough relationship to reciprocate in all these years? Yeah, me neither. Because he is abusing you. You are the victim here, and you have a victim mentality. I am NOT blaming you. Hear me.

He is abusing you. Please see him for the wounded soul he is, and get your balance back.

hey , I 1000% resonate with this response and I whole heartedly thank you .
My previous response was totally aimed at the last poster and I think 1 or 2 others that implied I’m ‘seeing what I want to see’
I think I made it clear that hits a nerve for me , because it automatically cast a shadow of doubt on what i am saying and whilst staying in the situation is quite self inflicted , imagining this specific situation would almost demonstrate insanity.

i agree to misreading his intentions , as they don’t appear to want to progress , he has chosen his lifestyle and is using my gayness and presence as an outlet for his inner turmoil , no matter the emotional cost for me . I totally see this now clearer and clearer . I also recently thought maybe he had NPD .... but all the posts on that also implied you have to cut ties with the person , and I just don’t have it in me to break all contact with him . It hurts occasionally being his friend , but hurts more without him . When I did finally let him go during our year apart , and sent him a final goodbye message , that’s when he apologised and fixed things . I am going to focus on me and finding someone right for me , but I do want him to remain a part of my life if I can healthy maintain that .

 

[1225108]

I am going to focus on me and finding someone right for me , but I do want him to remain a part of my life if I can healthy maintain that .

Ok. Your choice.

Perhaps keep reminding yourself he does have a girlfriend and together they have a kid.
You are the dad's friend, and are not part of their family.

Stick within your boundaries.
You're there to do fun stuff, go to a performance or a game. Talk and have a laugh.

And as a friend you can tell him to knock it off when he starts teasing you sexually.
Boundaries again.
Possible verbal remarks like:
- "Stop it".
- "Cut it out".
- A cold "You're not funny, you know!".
- Or a bitchy "Dude, you're not that hot".

And if that doesn't stop it, shove him away of walk away BEFORE you're all worked up.
Cause he's not going to stop unless you tell him to in a way that leaves no room for interpretation.

And if he still keeps at it it's harassment and you should go to the police and file a report.

Good luck!

 

[knobwaxer]

He sounds like a malignant narcissist to me.

lol. seriously, where r they finding these guys?

 

[billybones]

Which of you makes most of the decisions when you spend time together?

 

[LikesBoys]

lol. seriously, where r they finding these guys?

The mall ....

 

[LikesBoys]

Which of you makes most of the decisions when you spend time together?

7/10 him ... but if I disagree , I won’t go along with it .

 

[LikesBoys]

I don’t know how into astrology and horoscopes ya’ll are but my horoscope for today is crazy accurate ! Lol .
I hid my sign just incase he ever ends up on here and sees me discussing him * hides face* , pretty obvious though I guess .

 

[1225108]

The mall ....

Where they on sale..?

 

[rayray]

I haven't written one of these in a very long time, but here goes. I'm going against the grain (what else is new?) here. I don't think there is anything wrong with remaining friends and friends ONLY, even good friends. I don't screw around with my friends but I totally value their friendship and it will never go beyond that. But man, I do treasure my friendships. A couple of them are closer than family to me.
My best advice to you is to simply stop wishing for anything beyond a traditional, non fucking relationship and treat him as you would a good friend, nothing more, nothing less. A good friend, most of us (nonsexually speaking) we would do anything for and that doesn't need to change.
What does need to change, and forgive me if I am wrong, is you wishing it was more. Even if he is closeted and doesn't want to come out, or he is, in fact straight or whatever and potentially you misinterpret some things that you would like them to be, not how he meant them to be. Personally I'd never throw away a good friendship.
That said, in a wishing it were more sense, even though it never was, you have to emotionally detach YOUR feelings for him and begin to see others. You may simply be seeing what you want to see and he isn't really sending mixed signals or whatever. He trusts you as his friend, regardless of your sexuality, to be just that, his good friend, nothing more, nothing less. Stop wishing it were more and potentially stop seeing what isn't really there.
For what it's worth, I do agree with the others in one sense and that is his son and wife (or g/f I forget?). As his good friend, it's OK to love his son because he is your best friend. His wife or g/f (sorry too lazy to read back) is highly suspicious it seems of you being around her guy (and he is hers, whether you like that or not) or perhaps is aware of the flirtatious nature of your friendship with him and worries there is more to it. That's my take. You have to stop wondering and wishing there was more between the two of you for many reasons, one for you to stop wasting your own efforts and apply toward someone that IS available if you find or stumble on someone you like, two because it seems she is suspicious of you or both of you, three is he belongs to her at present and his son. That is reality man.
It's up to you if you can stop wishing it were more. To do that is difficult but not impossible. Stop wishing for what isn't and enjoy his friendship without more or hoping for a sexual one. Finding a close friend like that, is hard to come by. But YOU have to be able to disconnect and treat him as if you were straight and he were straight. Wondering about him does you no good. If you can do this, so be it. If not, some distance will have to be created, as it seems you have more difficulty being around him than vice versa.

So much of this post i believe.
Of course you are not a predator. I think there are many men all over the World dealing with a similar scenario. One thing i really don't understand, after 6 years of this why you haven't made a move sexually . I mean from what I've read...hard ons at the Cinema, etc....all that alone time and all of that intimate touching? I've read this whole thread and you've received a lot of good advice.

 

[billybones]

View attachment 7744651 I don’t know how into astrology and horoscopes ya’ll are but my horoscope for today is crazy accurate ! Lol .
I hid my sign just incase he ever ends up on here and sees me discussing him * hides face* , pretty obvious though I guess .

I’m calling bullshit. Separate question: you’re a bottom?

 

[LikesBoys]

Where they on sale..?

haha . Nope. But I must’ve bought like 100 things from his store just to get to know him .

 

[LikesBoys]

So much of this post i believe.
Of course you are not a predator. I think there are many men all over the World dealing with a similar scenario. One thing i really don't understand, after 6 years of this why you haven't made a move sexually . I mean from what I've read...hard ons at the Cinema, etc....all that alone time and all of that intimate touching? I've read this whole thread and you've received a lot of good advice.

he throws me with his words I guess ... I know actions do speak louder... but if someone is telling you they are straight its like giving you no motivation to make a move . The first time we started ‘long hugging’ .. he use to get really distant right after ...like he’d disappear for about a week.
Now we hug all the time randomly 2-3 times per visit and he loves it .
i’ve always said with enough alcoholin courage I’d make a move but it’s the ‘I’m straight’ shit that throws me off . I just think if he wanted me to , he wouldn’t say that , last time he said that was right after we nearly kissed lol . Coz he was deeply staring into my eyes , lips , nose , millimetres apart and I’m the one who pulled away coz I was uncomfortable .

I’m like that with gay hookups to though , they have to make the first move .

And yeah I agree , a lot of good advice here ! So I am grateful to everybody.

 

[LikesBoys]

I’m calling bullshit. Separate question: you’re a bottom?

Yup a bottom .

 

[billybones]

Yup a bottom .

Explains some aspect. Am I giving you a rush by responding to your sex fantasy? Right off hand I can mention a number of straight guys who threw themselves at me. Even some I didn’t act upon manage their way in to a jerk off fantasy. The problem isn’t your friend, is it?

 

[billybones]

Enough attention paid?

 

[LikesBoys]

The internet is so fuckin weird .
Are you really in here trolling me ?

 

[billybones]

The internet is so fuckin weird .
Are you really in here trolling me ?

I don’t think I’m the troll, no.

 

[1017677]

Hey guys , I need advice .
Me and this guy been best friends for 6 yrs.
We met at his job , I was a customer and we exchanged numbers on the basis that I would help him find another job , but I literally was so breath taken by him , he’s beautiful , and the way he looked at me and ignored every pretty girl I was with I was certain he was gay .
Before we knew each other , he would stare as I walked past the store , and sometimes follow me out , but not say anything .

anyways , we exchanged numbers - and it began from there 24/7 texting ... movie dates ... dinner dates ....
He was so touchy feely and would always find a way to touch me , squeeze my biceps , touch my nipples , rub ‘debris’ from my crotch area .
I thought I was dating someone . He talked about how he ignores girls and avoids them and how he would never ask a girl out of for their number ...he gives them his But will never answer as he doesn’t have there’s saved . He deleted social media due to too much female attention.

anyways, things were moving slow physically .. so I was like , is he not gonna make any real moves ... he joked about how I was his penis all the time , and he knows I’m in love with him, and I laughed it off . Then one day he kept pushing me to respond instead of laughing it off. And I said yeah , I’m gay , yes I like you .
He said he knew I was gay. But didn’t know I liked him . Next day he took me out for ice cream , and was MORE touchy feely than usual, he’d rest his hand on my knee whilst driving , or put rest his hand on mine whilst it’s on the gear stick . But never did he say back that he was gay or interested.

some other facts
* dude checks out dudes , rarely females
*face piercing , next to eye .
* point outs good looking guys to me , and if I say someone is sexy - he’ll say ‘no
They’re not, he’s not sexy’ etc
*grooms like a female , started grooming eyebrows since meeting me .
*knows all the gay celebrities and their coming out stories , random details !
*loves watching gay voguing, and wishes he could twerk
*spends days debating how tight my asshole is , telling me it can’t be that tight etc ,
* always asks to see my strip tease videos/nudes... thinks they will be ‘funny’
*exchanges photos for things he wants to see , my nipples / my feet .
*flashes his ass at me
*says theirs a side of him people will never know, nobody knows the real him
* told me to come out (I am out) , he knows from experience , the longer you wait , the more pointless it becomes .
* makes a big deal to promote me as his gay friend , wants everyone to know if gay
*really intimate long hugs when we see each other
*separates bisexual from gay , and thinks people
Can have ‘gay encounters’ without being gay .


There’s a bunch of other stuff but I hope you get the gist .
So , what’s throwing me .
During the first 4 yrs of our friendship , he never had a girlfriend was , told me about girls he slept with prior , and I got jealous and he told me not to be , he wouldn’t be , it was so long ago .
But yeah no girlfriend whilst we were friends . things got so hard for me as there was no progression I had an emotional breakdown and cut him off . We didn’t talk for a whole year because I was so distressed by how much I loved him but how closeted he seemed .

we reconnected after a year , I reached out, he reached back and told me he was having a baby and has a girlfriend that he now lives with .
I could NOT believe it . I was heartbroken . We met up and it was if nothing had ever changed . He told me how he cannot stand his girlfriend and it was all a big mistake , he complains about her every single day to me . And at first asked me round every weekend , to the point I got nervous that she would hate me . He would invite me round when she would go for trips , but she would here I’m there and come back home! As if she was scared .
When she’s there , the touchy feeliness happens as soon as she leaves them room . He’ll start rubbing me knee , putting his hand down the back of my pants and pulling my ass hairs ... (random) playing footsie ...flashing his ass , tryna pull my pants down , slapping my ass and shit like that .

one thing that has changed , is he randomly throws out that ‘he’s straight for no reason whatsoever’ ... if we’re at the grocery store and use different checkouts he’ll say ‘Oh your using the gay checkout , I’m using the straight one’
Just random shit. I tell him textbook signs of closeted gays and he’s like ‘ but I do that , and I’m not gay’ . He thinks gaydar is a fad and nobody can really tell if people are gay or not . But then he questions me on if his friends are gay (which like 4 are btw, but I don’t tell him )
He wanted to download Grindr , to see who was gay in his area. He’s just odd .

the other night , I used a new lip balm , was just me and him and his kid . Told him to smell my lips and are faces for so close and we locked eyes , we had both been drinking , I thought we was going to kiss , but I got nervous and pulled away ! Then an hour later he asked me if I think I could turn a straight guy , and I said ‘hell yeah every straight guy ‘ and his response was

“Not me , I’m super straight , straightest man ever , I can’t be turned , it’s not my thing , it’s not what I’m into , never has been , never will , I’ve been having sex with females only” ..... and I thought wow , that was a whole lot of defence for nothing .

so as you can see , I’m in a crazy predicament , I was almost certain with a couple of drinks , something would happen , as drink seems to throw him all over me , but with statements like that ! I get confused .

Coming from a man who came out late in life and I have children. If he isn't mentally ready to accept his sexuality there's nothing you can say that will get him there. Took me about 7 years. I was petrified with the thought of being with a man. My advice to you is focus on the reality of the situation. Love and being head over heels I think has blinded you a bit. I understand, certain people are once in a lifetime and connecting with someone is magical. I would retrain yourself to think of it as a wonderful friendship. That might mean time apart. Then if he ever does become ready take things from there. All the best.

 

[Peachy_]

By the way he talked about his girlfriend... I would recomend you to run away. I'm not kidding... if he's saying that and he is having a baby and he says it is an error... man, he is just so irresponsible. What makes you think he would treat you better? I don't think he is a (mentally) healthy person to be around with. I just think he is closeted as fuck... I don't know, these are just my personal impressions. I would recomend you to move on, seriously. You deserve to spend time with people who can make you feel loved. Life is too short to spend it with people that will never fully Love you. Take care^^