Accepting That I'm Not Actually Gay

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Twisted_GardenofOenothera

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(So, I'm not entirely sure where to put/discuss this topic, but my best guess is that this forum is the most appropriate for this kind of post. I'm not entirely sure what the point of this post is, except to recieve some kind of validation or the feeling of being listened to)

Hello to anyone who's decided to read this. So, I'm in my early-ish 20s (22-24 range) and I understood myself to be exclusively androphilic, and thus, "gay". I was only ever attracted to men and until a few years ago (2021), had absolutely no idea how anyone could even find women's bodies or femininity erotic at all, let alone harbor any real attraction towards a women. However, as I read more and more threads on here, I slowly have had to realize that I'm not actually gay after all. You see, throughout my sexual development, I had realized that I am really quite indifferent towards penises. I can appreciate a man for having something that adds to his sillouette and I enjoy seeing a man in a state of arousal, but I don't actually like penises in and of themselves. Actually, I find them kind of gross and I never found the idea of having to interact with one (especially fellatio) sexually enticing. I dunno, whenever I see a dick, I just don't get the feeling of "ooh, I wanna get my mouth/hands on that thing!" Maybe this stems from my own shame and insecurity around mine because it's small (about 4 inches (10 cm) when erect) so I've grown to just dislike them because of that...but I dunno. It could also be an autism/ocd thing concerning bodily fluids. (Idk...semen does taste and feel a lot like snot to me)
On top of all that, I feel like I've internalized a lot of shit about anal sex...part of me still views it as inherently dirty, disgusting, degrading, not "real sex", etc. So I am somewhat apprehensive about partaking in it. (Idk...maybe I'm just a prude?)
Then....I recently (about April 24th) discovered that I am actually very attracted to transmen, more specifically the really manly ones that pass pretty well (Chase Hart is probably my favorite atm). I really like the intermediate nature of their genitals and I actually do get the desire to perform oral on them! (well at least on their clitorises, not so sure about the vulva and labia tbh)
And while I still called myself gay for a while, after reading through more of the threads, I realized that that doesn't actually work in reality...I am not attracted exclusively to the same sex, as I enjoy what are essentially modifed female genitals. I will refer to myself as an 'androphilic pansexual' for now, but I'm pretty sure that due to my general disinterest in penises and fondess for masculinized female genitals, that actually makes me straight to some people. I may not agree with this, but that's just how perception works. So yeah, I'm not gay anymore I guess....

Side note: the "pan/bi" label is accept since it seems like we're the enemy to just about every other group known to mankind (straight women, straight men, gay men, gay women, trans people) I didn't want to be this way, and I don't want to hurt anyone, so I'm sorry...
 
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Twisted_GardenofOenothera said:
(So, I'm not entirely sure where to put/discuss this topic, but my best guess is that this forum is the most appropriate for this kind of post. I'm not entirely sure what the point of this post is, except to recieve some kind of validation or the feeling of being listened to)

Hello to anyone who's decided to read this. So, I'm in my early-ish 20s (22-24 range) and I understood myself to be exclusively androphilic, and thus, "gay". I was only ever attracted to men and until a few years ago (2021), had absolutely no idea how anyone could even find women's bodies or femininity erotic at all, let alone harbor any real attraction towards a women. However, as I read more and more threads on here, I slowly have had to realize that I'm not actually gay after all. You see, throughout my sexual development, I had realized that I am really quite indifferent towards penises. I can appreciate a man for having something that adds to his sillouette and I enjoy seeing a man in a state of arousal, but I don't actually like penises in and of themselves. Actually, I find them kind of gross and I never found the idea of having to interact with one (especially fellatio) sexually enticing. I dunno, whenever I see a dick, I just don't get the feeling of "ooh, I wanna get my mouth/hands on that thing!" Maybe this stems from my own shame and insecurity around mine because it's small (about 4 inches (10 cm) when erect) so I've grown to just dislike them because of that...but I dunno. It could also be an autism/ocd thing concerning bodily fluids. (Idk...semen does taste and feel a lot like snot to me)
On top of all that, I feel like I've internalized a lot of shit about anal sex...part of me still views it as inherently dirty, disgusting, degrading, not "real sex", etc. So I am somewhat apprehensive about partaking in it. (Idk...maybe I'm just a prude?)
Then....I recently (about April 24th) discovered that I am actually very attracted to transmen, more specifically the really manly ones that pass pretty well (Chase Hart is probably my favorite atm). I really like the intermediate nature of their genitals and I actually do get the desire to perform oral on them! (well at least on their clitorises, not so sure about the vulva and labia tbh)
And while I still called myself gay for a while, after reading through more of the threads, I realized that that doesn't actually work in reality...I am not attracted exclusively to the same sex, as I enjoy what are essentially modifed female genitals. I will refer to myself as an 'androphilic pansexual' for now, but I'm pretty sure that due to my general disinterest in penises and fondess for masculinized female genitals, that actually makes me straight to some people. I may not agree with this, but that's just how perception works. So yeah, I'm not gay anymore I guess....

Side note: the "pan/bi" label is accept since it seems like we're the enemy to just about every other group known to mankind (straight women, straight men, gay men, gay women, trans people) I didn't want to be this way, and I don't want to hurt anyone, so I'm sorry...
Click to expand...
This is an interesting post. Thanks for sharing. I actually just realized I recognize your name from the "gay men experimenting with vaginas" thread.

I think it's always positive when people are willing to slow themselves to grow in their sexual tastes and be honest with themselves about that.

The issue with labels is that everyone is gonna have an opinion about how YOU need to identify. So expect some pushback if more people reply. I think in the minds of some, they might not think you even need to identify as pan if you're just attracted to cis and trans men.

They would suggest you can still just call yourself gay (despite your interest in female genitalia) and of course there will be those who strongly disagree with that.

I myself am bi ("pan"). But I'm attracted to cisgender women as well as trans women and trans men. Basically everything under the sun. Lol.

Regardless your personal label is yours to decide, not internet strangers. Cheers.
 
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bigboaster said:
This is an interesting post. Thanks for sharing. I actually just realized I recognize your name from the "gay men experimenting with vaginas" thread.

I think it's always positive when people are willing to slow themselves to grow in their sexual tastes and be honest with themselves about that.

The issue with labels is that everyone is gonna have an opinion about how YOU need to identify. So expect some pushback if more people reply. I think in the minds of some, they might not think you even need to identify as pan if you're just attracted to cis and trans men.

They would suggest you can still just call yourself gay (despite your interest in female genitalia) and of course there will be those who strongly disagree with that.

I myself am bi ("pan"). But I'm attracted to cisgender women as well as trans women and trans men. Basically everything under the sun. Lol.

Regardless your personal label is yours to decide, not internet strangers. Cheers.
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Awww. Thanks so much for comment and input! Your posts on that particular thread were some of my favorites so I'm glad to have gotten noticed by you. :DDD
Yeah, you are right though, I shouldn't try to live my life exclusively to fit within others' standards and to just be myself, and whatever happens, happens. Haha, thanks again! ^^
 
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I myself as a confused bi/pan person am not in the same situation, but I definitely understand your attractions and it’s so good to explore what you truly desire.

It’s not always necessary to have a label but it’s up to every individual to decide if a label helps them find a sense of belonging. I think the labels you chose are fine and make plenty of sense. If you feel uncomfortable labeling yourself as gay that is totally fine!!

Sexual and romantic preferences can be very picky sometimes and there’s nothing wrong with that. Keep doing you, and if people don’t understand your sexuality and tell you you’re wrong, ignore them!! Your sexuality is valid and very normal.
 
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TheCaliGuy said:
I myself as a confused bi/pan person am not in the same situation, but I definitely understand your attractions and it’s so good to explore what you truly desire.

It’s not always necessary to have a label but it’s up to every individual to decide if a label helps them find a sense of belonging. I think the labels you chose are fine and make plenty of sense. If you feel uncomfortable labeling yourself as gay that is totally fine!!

Sexual and romantic preferences can be very picky sometimes and there’s nothing wrong with that. Keep doing you, and if people don’t understand your sexuality and tell you you’re wrong, ignore them!! Your sexuality is valid and very normal.
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Aww, that's very sweet of you. Thank you for the response. :) belonging is quite a paradox, isn't it?
 
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Whatever works for YOU! I love women but also love VERY female looking trans chicks with cut cocks. Best of both worlds right there! Attractive and beautiful cut cocks! Can't lose!
 
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Thanks for sharing! I think it’s a good thing that you’re exploring and finding yourself and finding out what you like/dislike. I can relate a bit to your feelings towards anal sex, as there was a time I thought it was dirty, disgusting, and I didn’t want to get near a butt lol. With time, as I grew to accept myself and became more comfortable with my sexuality, I’m a gay man; I realized that anal sex was fantastic, and there was a time I couldn’t get enough of it, lol! Whether you end up liking something or disliking it more down the road, I would say that it’s ok to change your mind. It’s ok to be different if you don’t fit into one of the categories/labels others have created. My unsolicited advice is to focus on your happiness and forget whether others are upset or angry towards you. Also, no one chooses who we are; we are born this way, and nobody should have to apologize for being who they are. I believe that as long as you’re not hurting anyone, including yourself, you should do what is necessary to be happy and comfortable in your skin.
 
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The labels are completely irrelevant. Just go for what you like.

I don't believe there's a proper label for someone attracted to transmen who look like men but have women's genitals, but if that's what rocks your boat then no problem.

Also keep in mind that sexuality is a spectrum and may change over time. It's totally ok if your tastes continue to evolve.

Lastly I'd recommend a good LGBT therapist to help you overcome some of your unresolved issues that might be blocking you.
 
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Twisted_GardenofOenothera said:
(So, I'm not entirely sure where to put/discuss this topic, but my best guess is that this forum is the most appropriate for this kind of post. I'm not entirely sure what the point of this post is, except to recieve some kind of validation or the feeling of being listened to)

Hello to anyone who's decided to read this. So, I'm in my early-ish 20s (22-24 range) and I understood myself to be exclusively androphilic, and thus, "gay". I was only ever attracted to men and until a few years ago (2021), had absolutely no idea how anyone could even find women's bodies or femininity erotic at all, let alone harbor any real attraction towards a women. However, as I read more and more threads on here, I slowly have had to realize that I'm not actually gay after all. You see, throughout my sexual development, I had realized that I am really quite indifferent towards penises. I can appreciate a man for having something that adds to his sillouette and I enjoy seeing a man in a state of arousal, but I don't actually like penises in and of themselves. Actually, I find them kind of gross and I never found the idea of having to interact with one (especially fellatio) sexually enticing. I dunno, whenever I see a dick, I just don't get the feeling of "ooh, I wanna get my mouth/hands on that thing!" Maybe this stems from my own shame and insecurity around mine because it's small (about 4 inches (10 cm) when erect) so I've grown to just dislike them because of that...but I dunno. It could also be an autism/ocd thing concerning bodily fluids. (Idk...semen does taste and feel a lot like snot to me)
On top of all that, I feel like I've internalized a lot of shit about anal sex...part of me still views it as inherently dirty, disgusting, degrading, not "real sex", etc. So I am somewhat apprehensive about partaking in it. (Idk...maybe I'm just a prude?)
Then....I recently (about April 24th) discovered that I am actually very attracted to transmen, more specifically the really manly ones that pass pretty well (Chase Hart is probably my favorite atm). I really like the intermediate nature of their genitals and I actually do get the desire to perform oral on them! (well at least on their clitorises, not so sure about the vulva and labia tbh)
And while I still called myself gay for a while, after reading through more of the threads, I realized that that doesn't actually work in reality...I am not attracted exclusively to the same sex, as I enjoy what are essentially modifed female genitals. I will refer to myself as an 'androphilic pansexual' for now, but I'm pretty sure that due to my general disinterest in penises and fondess for masculinized female genitals, that actually makes me straight to some people. I may not agree with this, but that's just how perception works. So yeah, I'm not gay anymore I guess....

Side note: the "pan/bi" label is accept since it seems like we're the enemy to just about every other group known to mankind (straight women, straight men, gay men, gay women, trans people) I didn't want to be this way, and I don't want to hurt anyone, so I'm sorry...
Click to expand...
Thanks for the interesting post and for sharing. Whatever you choose to call yourself, I was happy to read about this because if people like you exist then Transmen can find a partner for them. So maybe it is true that there is always a someone for everyone (though it can be pretty hard to find one). [PS: I identify as gay and love dicks; But I am also attracted to Transmen and wouldnt mind engaging with their genitals.]
 
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Kind of strange of my past and all mostly been with men. And several women as well.. that “ he “ entered my life.. and we dated for several months .. we kissed and made out a lot but we both agreed to take it slow .. so over several months we did take it slow and I began to get feelings for him.. .. then one night he revealed he was trans and I was like “ so” … that doesn’t change how I felt about him..

I had only seen ftm in porn but never thought I’d ever meet one in real life … not to mention the distance in our ages ..

I did think he stayed with me because I was the first one that didn’t cuss him out or beat him up for being who he is.. that he’d stay with anyone no matter who it was .. but he tells me he tends to like older guys.. I just told him I like a guy to be proud of who he is now 3 1/2 years later we are still together
 
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