Have you ever freaked out before having sex with someone new?

[AlteredEgo]

I never looked at it like that before, but from a woman`s point of view I see how it would make sense.

Yeah, you really have to know what you want and can expect from a man before you have sex with him. If you don't meet that rush of hormones with the right perspective and expectations you're asking for heartache.

I just want to reitirate that after she had said that she would like to go home I did not try and convince her to change her mind to stay and have sex, but rather I was just curious to know what happened to have her want to go home so suddenly and what is it that I had done to put her off as I was certain I did something somehow to cause her reaction but I was absolutely at a loss to think of what that may have been.

This is what some of the women in this thread have been the most concerned about. You don't understand. We get that you were not trying to convince her to stay for sex. We do. But you tried to convince her to stay, and it doesn't matter why. You could have had that conversation in the car driving her home. She was freaked out, and wanted to leave. Your hesitation to comply didn't make her feel safer.

I once stabbed a man who might have been like you. To this day, I would swear in a court of law that he kidnapped me. He was a taxi driver who stopped the car in a desolate area to argue with me about the price.I asked him to call the dispatcher to verify the disputed price, but he wouldn't. I asked him to take me back where he got me and let me take another cab. He just continued to argue prices with me. The doors were locked and only the driver could unlock them. I asked a few more times to be returned to where he got me about a mile away. I told him I was afraid. Eventually I gave him a potentially fatal stabbing wound, used his surprise as an opportunity to unlock my door from his controls, and fled, leaving my weapon still in him.

But maybe from his perspective he didn't kidnap me, he just pulled over where he happened to be and tried to settle the price before we got too far along on our 15+ mile trip. Maybe he was just having a reasonable discussion with some passenger who randomly stabbed him and ran.

This is how different men and women are. It never occurred to that guy that I could hurt him, let alone make an attempt on his life. He took me to a place where I felt trapped and isolated. I wasn't talking out of my ass when I told him I was scared. I was! He was bigger, stronger, probably faster, and the situation didn't feel right. So, I stabbed him. If I had it to do over, I would stab him again, and take my fingerprint-laden weapon with me upon my exit.

You see, this is a concept you really need to grasp sooner rather than later. The second a woman doesn't feel safe with you, you must act in a way which reassures her. If she has already told you what would make her feel safe again, "could you please take me home?" just do it. Do that first. Find out why she felt unsafe after you have begun taking action to make her safe again. Remember: if she is like me, your life may depend upon it.

 

[Attila the Hung]

yep. complete tool

Ah yes, the one-liner reply, so typical of people who have nothing of substance or value to add to a discussion and who are incapable of putting up a worthy rebuttal to something they disagree with.

:wink:

 

[Attila the Hung]

Yeah, you really have to know what you want and can expect from a man before you have sex with him. If you don't meet that rush of hormones with the right perspective and expectations you're asking for heartache.
This is what some of the women in this thread have been the most concerned about. You don't understand. We get that you were not trying to convince her to stay for sex. We do. But you tried to convince her to stay, and it doesn't matter why. You could have had that conversation in the car driving her home. She was freaked out, and wanted to leave. Your hesitation to comply didn't make her feel safer.

I once stabbed a man who might have been like you. To this day, I would swear in a court of law that he kidnapped me. He was a taxi driver who stopped the car in a desolate area to argue with me about the price.I asked him to call the dispatcher to verify the disputed price, but he wouldn't. I asked him to take me back where he got me and let me take another cab. He just continued to argue prices with me. The doors were locked and only the driver could unlock them. I asked a few more times to be returned to where he got me about a mile away. I told him I was afraid. Eventually I gave him a potentially fatal stabbing wound, used his surprise as an opportunity to unlock my door from his controls, and fled, leaving my weapon still in him.

But maybe from his perspective he didn't kidnap me, he just pulled over where he happened to be and tried to settle the price before we got too far along on our 15+ mile trip. Maybe he was just having a reasonable discussion with some passenger who randomly stabbed him and ran.

This is how different men and women are. It never occurred to that guy that I could hurt him, let alone make an attempt on his life. He took me to a place where I felt trapped and isolated. I wasn't talking out of my ass when I told him I was scared. I was! He was bigger, stronger, probably faster, and the situation didn't feel right. So, I stabbed him. If I had it to do over, I would stab him again, and take my fingerprint-laden weapon with me upon my exit.

You see, this is a concept you really need to grasp sooner rather than later. The second a woman doesn't feel safe with you, you must act in a way which reassures her. If she has already told you what would make her feel safe again, "could you please take me home?" just do it. Do that first. Find out why she felt unsafe after you have begun taking action to make her safe again. Remember: if she is like me, your life may depend upon it.

AlteredEgo,

I shoould have chosen my words more carefully as "freak out" doesn`t accurately reflect her reaction, those words make it sound as if she got agitated and nervous and was in a hurry to leave which is not how she reacted.

It was more of a "can we please stop? I think I am having a panic attack or something" at which point I said of course and then pulled her off of me gently and asked her if she wanted some fresh water or anything else.

But nevermind that it doesn`t really matter as I now understand much better how things may have been perceived from her end, and coupled with her being high and after a night of drinking she likely suddenly had a moment of clarity if you will and thought to herself "whoa wait a minute do I really want to do this?"

And thats all she wrote from that point onwards, and with me having never experienced this kind of scenario before and not bring privy beforehand to all this information and female perspective that I have gained from this thread I reacted in a way that was ultimately counter-productive.

Whats done is done and I can`t change the past, but I can avoid repeating the same mistakes in the future and I intend to do just that while hoping that something like this doesn`t happen again. I must admit though that I would be somewhat hesitant now to initiate anything with another woman in an identical scenario, this incident would definately be in the back of my mind at this point.

 

[AlteredEgo]

What's the difference between the words you used, "freaked out" and her words, "I think I'm having a panic attack"?

I'm glad we were able to help you. I don't think you need to suddenly fear women. But it may good be a good policy to to not bring intoxicated women home, or to communicate more. "Do you feel pretty sober?" Might be better to do smoke or booze but not both, at least until you know a woman well. I've also had a man embrace in front of his bedroom door and say in my ear, "We can stay in the living room if you want, but if you follow me in her the big bad wolf is going to gobble you up!" I was very comfy and excited, so I opened the door myself with a grin.

You just have to make sure you can still think. Stay relatively sober yourself. And anytime something doesn't work out, just try again, all the wiser, with someone else.

 

[Attila the Hung]

What's the difference between the words you used, "freaked out" and her words, "I think I'm having a panic attack"?

Freaked out to me is someone who suddenly gets very agitated and nervous, whereas her reaction was more mellow and not at all hyperactive.

I'm glad we were able to help you. I don't think you need to suddenly fear women. But it may good be a good policy to to not bring intoxicated women home, or to communicate more. "Do you feel pretty sober?" Might be better to do smoke or booze but not both, at least until you know a woman well. I've also had a man embrace in front of his bedroom door and say in my ear, "We can stay in the living room if you want, but if you follow me in her the big bad wolf is going to gobble you up!" I was very comfy and excited, so I opened the door myself with a grin.

You just have to make sure you can still think. Stay relatively sober yourself. And anytime something doesn't work out, just try again, all the wiser, with someone else.

This thread was helpful indeed minus the detour it took for awhile, but I have taken several mental notes so that if a similar scenario ever arises I will be much better prepared to handle the situation.

Thank you.

 

[Twistbarbie]

Ah yes, the one-liner reply, so typical of people who have nothing of substance or value to add to a discussion and who are incapable of putting up a worthy rebuttal to something they disagree with.

:wink:

You're not much of a thinker are you. :smile: You even told a mod to basically shut up and keep out.
You've accused people of thinking the worst of you when you admitted you behaved in a way you wish you hadn't but we're also supposed to mind read this woman. Making assumptions about you = how dare we. Assumptions about her = go right ahead.

there's nothing to discuss with someone whose made their mind up not to listen. I prefer not to have my time wasted in such a way but once again your ego is seeing this as a competition and you as 'winning'. Congratulations on upsetting so many women who posted here to help you and offer their personal insight.

 

[Attila the Hung]

You're not much of a thinker are you.

Thats rich coming from you.

You even told a mod to basically shut up and keep out.

Those were not the words I used, towards Jillang yes but Kochanski no, yet again your lack of reading comprehension shines thru in flying colours.

You've accused people of thinking the worst of you when you admitted you behaved in a way you wish you hadn't but we're also supposed to mind read this woman.

I came clean about my actions and expressed remorse for the way I handled the situation only to have certain posters including yourtself adopt a rather unforgiving and hostile attitude towards me for no good reason.

And since when is it okay to put down someone who has admitted that they were wrong and are asking for advice and opinions to make sure such a situation could be avoided in the future, or at the very least handled better.

Some posters have been more than helpful in that respect with the information provided and opinions shared in a constructive manner, your approach however and those of your clique were confrontational in nature and totally counter-productive.

Perhaps where you come from this is considered normal behaviour and acceptable but tis not so in my book, if I am to criticize someone or something I try to do it in a constructive manner and certainly not by putting the person down and downright insulting them as a way of getting to see the error or their ways.

But hey to each their own, you stick to your method and I will do likewise.

Making assumptions about you = how dare we. Assumptions about her = go right ahead.

And this had what to do with the question I asked in this thread? Of course I made assumptions, I had nothing else to go on under the circumstances, and since I was tired of assuming what happened I started this thread in the hopes that it would help me shed light on that evenings events and perhaps allow me to make sense of it all.

I needed a female perspective on this and thankfully I got what I asked for minus the detour this thread took with me having to reply to people like you who haven`t contributed anything of value. My mother once told me if you have nothing good to say then say nothing, some of you would be well served to take heed of that advice in the future.

there's nothing to discuss with someone whose made their mind up not to listen.

LOL!

I am not listening am I?

For someone who has supposedly made up their mind not to listen well do pray tell me then what do you make of me thanking some of the ladies on this thread for their helpful contributions and insights?

If I was as close minded as you imply I wouldn`t have done so, and better yet why would a close minded person who thinks he knows it all start a thread on a public forum asking for advice and opinions?

You are right though, I will not listen to people like you who come at me aggressively or with disdain, that kind of approach will never work with me. You should put more thought into your posts if you are going to address someone like me, otherwise you risk looking quite foolish as you are now.

Consider that friendly advice.

I prefer not to have my time wasted in such a way but once again your ego is seeing this as a competition and you as 'winning'.

This is not about winning for pete`s sake, me wasting my time replying to someone like you is hardly a victory of any kind, it is merely a waste of my time.

But tell you what if it makes you feel better I will let you have the last word in, that way you can "win" since you see this as a competition of sorts whereas I do not.

Go ahead and get your "win".

Congratulations on upsetting so many women who posted here to help you and offer their personal insight.

The only women I have upset are the ones who seemingly got upset with me first for reasons I still don`t quite understand, the other women have been quite helpful on the other hand and I was cordial and polite towards them so I am quite confident they do not see me in the same light as you do, and that is good enough for me.

And if you consider your posts in my thread to have been an attempt on your part to offer help and insight, well then compare the tone of your posts and words to those of the other women who I thanked who also posted.

If you are in anyway perceptive and capable of being impartial and honest with yourself, you would come to the conclusion that your approach was not nearly as productive and helpful as theirs was hence my reaction towards you being so different than the others.

Either way this thread has run its course so time to let it die, but like I said if it makes you feel better put the last word in, I will not reply to it so you can then go ahead and claim "victory" since it is you and not I who sees this is a competition of sorts.

And FYI, the ignore function is there for a reason, if I am so insufferable to you then put it to use and be done with me, simple enough.

 

[AlteredEgo]

Regarding your definition of freaking out, pleaee consider the following. I don't have toshow you something if I tell you. A statement to the effect that one is havkng a panic attack or something similar definitely means they are freaking out, even if they are doing an admirable job of remaining outwardly collected.

I once was in a traffic accident so traumatic that nearly a decade later I'm still having intense feelings of panic when I'm a passenger in a car, though the flashbacks have finally abated. Just this morning I was in our car, hyperventilating, screwing my eyes shut and trying to get my heart to slow down. I'm so subtle about these minor episodes that my husband doesn't even notice. He constantly forgets what the trigger is, and I'm tired of telling him, so I just deal with it on my own.

When the original accident occurred, I wanted to run around, jump up and down screaming, flee the scene. None of those were options. I swallowed, and examined the pedestrian victim as my training dictated. Once another first responder arrived, and I was relieved, I thought I could at last give in to my mental and emotional state, and have a nice, demonstrative freak-out. But, it still wasn't my turn. The driver was losing his mind, and talking too much. So, I took care of him calmly. I calmed him down, isolated him from nosy people, and shut him up.

Later, at his house, I wanted, at last to get my guts out, but he still needed my strength. So. I freakd out all day and all night, and every time I have been in a car since. And unless I'm hyperventilating loudly, or saying something about my fear and anxiety, no one knows but me. I'm screaming bloody murder, and running in circles, but only inside.

She was freaking out. You had it right the first time.

 

[5104]

Eventually I gave him a potentially fatal stabbing wound, used his surprise as an opportunity to unlock my door from his controls, and fled, leaving my weapon still in him.

Dang! And then what happened?

I had a similar experience once when a girl's attitude changed suddenly. The bed fell apart, literally, after initial insertion. Somehow that broke the mood!