How do you guys balance bisexuality in a relationship?

[talon.harvey]

I'll try to make a long story short but I'm bisexual. No one knows except me and I've never done anything with another guy before, I've never even talked to one as more than a friend. Of course, I've had crushes over the years but I've never acted on my feelings for obvious reasons.

I've been dating this girl for over two months and things are pretty serious. In fact, I want to make things official with her soon. Things are going well for the most part between us so I've decided to do so.

All of a sudden though, this one guy I follow on social media's caught my attention (Again). We go to the same university and follow each other but we've never talked etc. He's gay/single.

I liked him about 4 months ago when I was single but was too scared to approach him since I'm still in the closet. But now, I see him looking good like last time and I'm catching feelings all over again. I'm literally WISHING that I could talk to him. Of course, it's just infatuation though and not actual feelings, I don't know him outside of social media. I just know he has a nice body and we have similar interests in terms of TV shows, movies, etc.

The problem is that I find myself wanting to approach him this time. I don't care if he knows the truth about me, besides I'm almost 100% sure he'd be willing to keep things secret. I'm catching feelings to the point where I wouldn't mind if this girl and I ended things for whatever reason, because then, I can test the waters with him, if he's interested of course. I do like him but I'm dating this girl and want/need to focus on her.

I genuinely do like her and I want to see where things go with her so I wanted to ask you guys the title of this post. I can't be with her while imagining spending time with a guy. It's not fair and it's not right. I know attraction to other people while in a relationship is normal and that one just has to exercise restraint but this is my first time experiencing this. I'm afraid that one day, I'll have to scratch this itch and finally experiment with a guy.

But again, I genuinely like this girl so I'm just stuck on what to do. I wanna make my feelings for him go away/suppress them so she can have my 100% focus. It's not fair to her otherwise right?

Hopefully this makes sense and if someone could give me some advice that'd be great. Thank you.

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TL;DR: Title of the post. How do you balance the urge to be with the opposite sex while currently dating/in a relationship? Thank you.

 

[briacon429]

Based on how you describe it, it sounds like a big part of the issue is your own coming out. You say you consider yourself bisexual, yet you haven’t told anyone close to you, and you’ve never done anything with a guy. I completely understand how that can be nerve wracking, because I went through a similar process myself— and I daresay a lot of other people on LPSG have too!

For the sake of argument, let‘s take your girlfriend out of the picture for a sec. If you did ask the guy out, and if he said yes, what would you want to do with him? Not necessarily sexually, but more relationship-wise: would you keep things on the down low, or would you be open about dating him? Does you feel nervous at the thought of people knowing you’re dating a guy? (There’s no right or wrong answer to any of these questions, I’m just trying to gauge where your head is at!)

The other issue of course is a classic love triangle: you’re in a relationship yet you have a crush on someone else. That too is very relatable! And I’m not going to lie, that can get very messy if not handled carefully. At the end of the day, only you know whether this relationship is serious enough— and whether you want to be with her badly enough— to resist your urges to approach this guy.

I wish I could give you a clear yes-or-no answer about what to do! But it really does depend on what your heart is telling you.

In the longer terms, I do think it’s healthy to be true to yourself and act out your sexuality. I know so many people who never acted on it at first, and they ended up with years of sexual frustration. I wouldn’t want that to happen to you!

If you think your current relationship will run its course, you can always wait till it’s over and then maybe date a guy next. Alternatively, if you feel like you want to be with your girlfriend long-term, you can always test the waters by coming out to her: I know it’s a big step, and it can certainly create drama, but I know plenty of people who have done it and were relieved when they got past it.

If you ever want to chat privately, my DM’s are always open.

 

[merc41]

I am married and love my wife. But mot enough sex. I go to guys for sex only. I suck and get sucked as well as fuck. No strings attached.

 

[thongboy]

I'm in a relationship with a chick who's bi like me, and it makes a big difference when we don't have secrets from each other. It also helps that we're both confident in our own sexuality — which is why our MMF weekends are so awesome.

 

[Tight_End_SC]

I am single, bi, and loving life!

 

[WilliamG]

You my friend are in a unique situation. One that many of us wish we had before we got into a serious/marriage relationship.

Like many here, I entered marriage totally straight. Dated LOTS of women prior. Never thought about men that way. 15 years into it... I'm bi-curious. But unlike you, I'm not curious about their non sexual interests (other than being a chill person). So for me, that allows me to separate the feelings. Now my wife has no idea. She would never accept my curiosity. But you have the opportunity to "nip it at the bud" so to speak and be upfront about it BEFORE you get too far.

Not really any answer but my observation of what I see. I say let her know before hoping it "runs it's course".

Edit: I see you've posted this issue several times over the year here. That to me confirms you need to explore this. Best of luck!

 

[moridin]

The best policy is to be honest with your girlfriend. Talk it out with her. Being bi doesn't necessarily mean you have to choose one or the other. Many people nowadays have open or even poly relationships. If she is amenable, you might be able to date her and a guy.

 

[AHandfull]

If you are willing to lose her to potentially date this guy, then you are certainly not ready to commit to her long-term so I would definitely explore. Many of us here never acted on urges or curiosities at an early and free stage.

 

[deleted15682271]

I wouldn’t say much to her until you know for sure. I’m bi, and married. My wife knows, we have a couple who we are friends with. He is bi as well. We take care of each other and it’s known and never been a big deal.

 

[Ron1990]

don't cheat, same as if you're committed to anyone.

 

[deleted817718]

For a long time my wife and I have been a monogamous couple. I am openly bisexual and have been happy to only be with her sexually, but as time has gone on we both have started wanting to explore sex outside our marriage, so we now have an open relationship and both have sex with other men. As long as we are both happy with how things are we will continue this way

 

[bravesoldier]

I've been in a relationship with a woman before that I loved very much, so I feel you. But, if you haven 't considered it, (which you probably have) the time will come that an itch will need to be scratched so bad that most likely you will. I have known bi and gay men married to women who play on the side and once the playing starts the intense fever pitch begins for same sex play. I have heard them say many times when hot and exciting opportunities arise, they find enormous frustration because they absolutely cannot get away from their wives. I even had a gay friend tell me he came so close to marrying a woman, but deep in his heart he knew his lust for cock would consume him, so he did not marry.

Just friendly advice, take time and carefully think it over.

 

[Sodoko]

I'm 40. I met my wife almost 20yrs ago. I suppose back then I was a closet bi. I always had sexual attraction to guys buy could only have romantic and sexual attraction to girls.
My advice - relationships lose their fire over time. Not necessarily a bad thing. Because as the fire quenches, a more deep, intimate and life-long friendship also develops. However, when the passion fades, you will always be drawn towards forbidden fruit. So always be cautious. If you feel temptation now at this stage, it will only become more compelling in years to come. You need to ask yourself seriously if you are ready for a serious, committed, monogomous relationship. Or, do you still have lands to explore!!

 

[Stephenmass]

You are not totally committed to her yet. I personally think if you need your itch scratched, than scratch it. You never know, you may hate it, you may love it, etc. I personally think it gives you a better perspective on who you really are. I do hope you scratch the itch, because once married you are now committed. But in the back of your mind you'll always wonder if you should have. If you scratch the itch after marriage, than it is cheating, but now you seem to have no official commitment.

 

[Cesaraguilarep]

I see many comments recommending you to live in polygamy... what I can tell you is that you put both situations on a scale, and think about what is more important to you, a serious relationship with a person who corresponds to you, or a possible relationship of which you have not the slightest idea of how it could become, perhaps the man only seeks oral sex and that's it, perhaps he seeks marriage... nobody knows. What will never be acceptable is to deceive someone because "you have doubts", loyalty and respect is very important in any relationship, and it seems that nobody is interested in being loyal. Think about it.

 

[dreamer20]

Your conondrum is not "balanced bisexuality" or sexuality at all. It is you contemplating getting secret sex from a good looking stranger despite the fact that this would be wrong, IYO, as you intend to commit to "this girl". I suggest you tell "this girl" that you want to concentrate on your studies and set her free to see someone else. I would give the effort needed to get my university degree priority over these two individuals. Focus on that and put dating either of them on the back burner for now.

 

[GABRIEL EU]

up

 

[michael_3165]

I don't see the problem. If you're single then fuck whoever you want. If you are taken then you are w that person. It's the same in any monogamous relationship

 

[ShyLion]

Just tell her you can see your relationship being something you'd want long term but your bisexual and you want a break so you can explore that side of yourself you never have before and try being with a guy for awhile before settling down to see if that feels more you and that she doesn't need to wait for you but if she happens to be open when your done exploring that side of yourself you'd be okay with being in a long term relationship with her because she's the only girl for you

 

[Kleine1948]

The best policy is to be honest with your girlfriend. Talk it out with her. Being bi doesn't necessarily mean you have to choose one or the other. Many people nowadays have open or even poly relationships. If she is amenable, you might be able to date her and a guy.

My late wife and I had a wonderful of 42 years together and she knew that I was bi but my feelings were more towards being gay and now I only see myself as a gay person. In our marriage we brought up two boys and the oldest was also leaning towards the "queer" community and I got him several time jerking off in front of the computer watching short video clips of gay sex and that was fine with me. He was watching the video and I stood behind him getting a hardon and he saw that too so I had to walk out.. I told him that it was OK to feel attracted to other guys as I was myself. My late wife passed away in 2019 and my son passed away Feb. 2022. I have only one boy left and he is as straight as an arrow also happily married with two wonderful daughters but I think that he feels that I am gay but have never said anything. I wear skirts and dresses as I have a serious painful medical condition called Orchialgia and I cannot wear anything that has a seam going through my crotch area as the pain is severe. I attend church and the church motto is all are welcome and all means all. My ministers know I am gay and so does lots of other people in my congregation and we have many gay people as members.