Is the UK better for Black Gay Men?

[Decay42]

As a black gay man who is more on the feminine side and lives in the US, I think it's pretty clear that when it comes to the gay dating world, black men tend to be fetishized and expected to be hypermasculine and tops, two things which I'm not and refuse to be since it's just not who I genuinely am. I've thought about what my experience has been in the US as a black feminine man trying to date and while I know that not many gay men in general are really into feminine guys to begin with, I feel like this definitely counts double when you're black since you're going against the rigid fetishization that gets put onto black men and it makes me wonder if dating for black gay who don't fit the porn stereotype just as tough outside the USA.

Before anyone asks, yes I can be attracted to other black men but I'm not into hood guys which I tend to find a lot of where I live. And the rare times I come across black men who I do find attractive, they just simply aren't interested in me and so because of this, it's why I'm open to any race but then I run into the fetishization problem. Aslo no, I'm not typically into other fem guys, at least not for long-term relationship.

Anyway to any black gay men who are bottoms and/or feminine and have been outside the USA, have you noticed a different in how you're viewed compared to when you're in the states?

 

[FrankieGuile]

As a black gay man who is more on the feminine side and lives in the US, I think it's pretty clear that when it comes to the gay dating world, black men tend to be fetishized and expected to be hypermasculine and tops, two things which I'm not and refuse to be since it's just not who I genuinely am. I've thought about what my experience has been in the US as a black feminine man trying to date and while I know that not many gay men in general are really into feminine guys to begin with, I feel like this definitely counts double when you're black since you're going against the rigid fetishization that gets put onto black men and it makes me wonder if dating for black gay who don't fit the porn stereotype just as tough outside the USA.

Before anyone asks, yes I can be attracted to other black men but I'm not into hood guys which I tend to find a lot of where I live. And the rare times I come across black men who I do find attractive, they just simply aren't interested in me and so because of this, it's why I'm open to any race but then I run into the fetishization problem. Aslo no, I'm not typically into other fem guys, at least not for long-term relationship.

Anyway to any black gay men who are bottoms and/or feminine and have been outside the USA, have you noticed a different in how you're viewed compared to when you're in the states?

No, but I focus on people who view me the way I demand to be viewed, not the way they choose to view me.

 

[Solar95x]

I might get some pushback on this, but in my experience....

Brazil is the best place for gay men in general!

 

[mineiscrafted]

I might get some pushback on this, but in my experience....

Brazil is the best place for gay men in general!

are you talking about real genuine relationships or paid experiences ?

 

[Solar95x]

are you talking about real genuine relationships or paid experiences ?

I have never paid for sex lol, nor would I ever.

I meant real relationships. I am still friends with and regularly talk to guys I met in Brazil.

 

[HOU_HEADHUNTER]

I think if you are open to dating other races then you might get along well in the UK. From what I've noticed of black gay Brits, they seem to be more interested in men of other races so if you are looking for partnership with another black man then you might run into some problems.

 

[ma5a1]

I can relate completely.
I have had similar experiences with meeting men, and yes..black men are fetishized. I don't know about other places in the world, I've not been outside of the US yet, but most definitely in the states, we're "exotic" to white guys, anyway. I love men of all ethnicities..I however tend to gravitate towards white guys because white men tend to be more adventurous sexually, and I am the same. Black men I am attracted are never attracted to me, and it's just a frustrating cycle. For one, I live in a city where apparently all of the interesting and attractive guys with like needs are either like me and stay at home...jaded by the whole experience of trying to meet someone, or they are in relationships. As far as sex goes, I am versatile and I am attracted to the same, yet every guy I meet or talk to is strictly bottom. I am very open with what my needs are and who I am attracted to, nonetheless every single guy I meet solely wants to be submissive. The white men I meet are 50% of the time looking to live out some bullshit mandingo fantasy, with the other 50% being more effeminate than I am attracted to...or it's a combination of both extremes. It sucks. I want to leave the US, for more reasons than just my nonexistent love life...

 

[Decay42]

I can relate completely.
I have had similar experiences with meeting men, and yes..black men are fetishized. I don't know about other places in the world, I've not been outside of the US yet, but most definitely in the states, we're "exotic" to white guys, anyway. I love men of all ethnicities..I however tend to gravitate towards white guys because white men tend to be more adventurous sexually, and I am the same. Black men I am attracted are never attracted to me, and it's just a frustrating cycle. For one, I live in a city where apparently all of the interesting and attractive guys with like needs are either like me and stay at home...jaded by the whole experience of trying to meet someone, or they are in relationships. As far as sex goes, I am versatile and I am attracted to the same, yet every guy I meet or talk to is strictly bottom. I am very open with what my needs are and who I am attracted to, nonetheless every single guy I meet solely wants to be submissive. The white men I meet are 50% of the time looking to live out some bullshit mandingo fantasy, with the other 50% being more effeminate than I am attracted to...or it's a combination of both extremes. It sucks. I want to leave the US, for more reasons than just my nonexistent love life...

See I totally get this and I understand the frustration 110%. I also like how you brought up that the black guys that you do find attractive tend to not feel the same about you. I'm guessing you're probably attracted to black guys who would be the ones who get called "Oreo"? If so, I totally get it because the same thing happens to me and that's why I'm open to all ethniciities because it would be a dead dating life altogether if you were just holding out for a black "oreo" type of guy but then you run into the problem of being fetishized by non-black men, it's not even just white men who do this. While I don't attract Asian men much at all, the one time I had an Asian guy message me, he was a BBC fetishist (his first message was "Can I see your BBC?").

It completely sucks and it's what makes me wonder if it's like this outside of the United States because so far the dating scene here has been a nightmare.

 

[HOU_HEADHUNTER]

See I totally get this and I understand the frustration 110%. I also like how you brought up that the black guys that you do find attractive tend to not feel the same about you. I'm guessing you're probably attracted to black guys who would be the ones who get called "Oreo"? If so, I totally get it because the same thing happens to me and that's why I'm open to all ethniciities because it would be a dead dating life altogether if you were just holding out for a black "oreo" type of guy but then you run into the problem of being fetishized by non-black men, it's not even just white men who do this. While I don't attract Asian men much at all, the one time I had an Asian guy message me, he was a BBC fetishist (his first message was "Can I see your BBC?").

It completely sucks and it's what makes me wonder if it's like this outside of the United States because so far the dating scene here has been a nightmare.

I blame porn for the rampant fetishizing of black men and it seems that it's a kink that is accepted by black and non black people since black men don't often make an issue of it in most cases. The problem with it all is that most mainstream porn is produced in the United States and it's globally popular so people that may not have access to black men only see black men thru a pornographic lens and therefore find themselves fetishizing us the same way.

 

[FrankieGuile]

I blame porn for the rampant fetishizing of black men and it seems that it's a kink that is accepted by black and non black people since black men don't often make an issue of it in most cases. The problem with it all is that most mainstream porn is produced in the United States and it's globally popular so people that may not have access to black men only see black men thru a pornographic lens and therefore find themselves fetishizing us the same way.

You blame the porn and not the consumers of that kind of porn? It has nothing to do with the demand but only the supply? So, extending your logic, if no one was interested in viewing fetishized black men, then that kind of porn would still be produced? And, extending your logic further, when one producer of such porn went bankrupt for lack of interest, another would simply pick up the fetish baton until he went bankrupt? Is it so objectionable to blame individuals who purchase that kind of porn that one must blame a nameless, faceless porn industry?

 

[HOU_HEADHUNTER]

You blame the porn and not the consumers of that kind of porn? It has nothing to do with the demand but only the supply? So, extending your logic, if no one was interested in viewing fetishized black men, then that kind of porn would still be produced? And, extending your logic further, when one producer of such porn went bankrupt for lack of interest, another would simply pick up the fetish baton until he went bankrupt? Is it so objectionable to blame individuals who purchase that kind of porn that one must blame a nameless, faceless porn industry?

I blame both. BBC porn and Interracial porn is popular because it's heavily produced since it is what sells. Of course black people are not the ones making that type of porn popular but we are complicit since it is black porn actors that knowingly partake in it for a check. Not really sure what your gripe is but my statement was pretty clear as to why someone who lives in a homogenous country might fetishize black men when they don't often see or interact with black men.

 

[FrankieGuile]

I blame both. BBC porn and Interracial porn is popular because it's heavily produced since it is what sells. Of course black people are not the ones making that type of porn popular but we are complicit since it is black porn actors that knowingly partake in it for a check. Not really sure what your gripe is but my statement was pretty clear as to why someone who lives in a homogenous country might fetishize black men when they don't often see or interact with black men.

No "gripe" but a point of contention; to wit, too often blame is placed on some safe, general, socially acceptable entity to avoid condemnation by others, particularly those who deserve the blame. I consider such rhetoric as cowardly. Amending your stance to blame both sides does not make it more credible, in fact, it makes it banal.

 

[HOU_HEADHUNTER]

No "gripe" but a point of contention; to wit, too often blame is placed on some safe, general, socially acceptable entity to avoid condemnation by others, particularly those who deserve the blame. I consider such rhetoric as cowardly. Amending your stance to blame both sides does not make it more credible, in fact, it makes it banal.

I didn't change anything. You are just sensitive and want to find something to argue about. I'm not here for that so kick rocks and find someone to play your game with you. I stand by what I said and if you don't like it you can kiss my entire ass.

 

[FrankieGuile]

I didn't change anything. You are just sensitive and want to find something to argue about. I'm not here for that so kick rocks and find someone to play your game with you. I stand by what I said and if you don't like it you can kiss my entire ass.

There's no need to be petulant or angry; displaying both emotions is rhetorical surrender. But, at least, it appears you understand my point. I'm glad you stand by what you said and it is okay to disagree -- it shows some backbone in light of your original post. Likewise, I stand by my counterpoint.

 

[BUNBEA]

I didn't change anything. You are just sensitive and want to find something to argue about. I'm not here for that so kick rocks and find someone to play your game with you. I stand by what I said and if you don't like it you can kiss my entire ass.

Mate what you have stated resonate with me and you been clear and measured within re your original statement end of!

 

[TWINKTON]

I didn't change anything. You are just sensitive and want to find something to argue about. I'm not here for that so kick rocks and find someone to play your game with you. I stand by what I said and if you don't like it you can kiss my entire ass.

Ignore Frankie. All he does is argue with people and attack them on here

 

[chrisrobin]

Thinking back to the 70's when I was overly active to say the least, the biggest problem for the black community was being found out - outed and a disgrace to the family.
In those days family and neighbors counted.

 

[smith1999]

Maybe in South Africa you get more luck, but you have to be very careful since it's the country with most hiv cases in the world

 

[Boaxy]

Speaking as a single Gay Black American

United States (maybe also this applies to Canada too?) for Gay Black men:
Has more Black/Afro-Centric solidarity history and movement
Has more guys of all backgrounds/races who are aware of Black culture, music, slang, foods, history
More discreet/down low/fly by night/anonymous hookups/flings/sex
Racism exists, but due to free speech laws, and context, it is water under the bridge in most cases, and those being racist are of course shunned, and you'll have plenty of people being empathetic to you.
Guys who are not interested in you, make it very clear, sometimes in a harsh, mean, cruel way etc. But at least you know where you stand in the community, and it makes things easier etc.
Love may be harder to find, but when it's found it's genuine
If you want to date/associate with only Black men, stick to the Atlanta, Chicago, DC areas.
If you're a masculine, and live in a major city, as long as you don't care what race the guy is, you should have no issues.
If you are feminine, or a more artsy/preppy/open minded to White/other races of guys, Black guy, and preferably feminine, you could experience issues altogether, but could luck out in more metropolitan area, but also in more outskirt/dismissive areas.

United Kingdom (Maybe possibly Europe and Australia too?) for Gay Black men:
If you are someone that likes to travel, has the finances/means to travel, and can familiarize yourself with English/British/European/Australian/foreign country/land customs, you'll be fine.
You don't mind being a teacher/explaining Black culture to people who have little to no understanding of it.
Guys who are not interested/attracted to you, will still be friendly, and chat, let you cuddle, hug, drink, sleep over at their house, etc. with you.
Racism exist, but it's more then hating that you're American, or them hating that you're posh, or not posh enough. Racism accusations in England are strong/serious, so unless there is enough evidence racism is at play, it is usually downplayed. But racism in England of course isn't okay or allowed.
Love may be easier to find, (especially if you're American) but you may have to do a lot of teaching to your partner, and things might more slower, as opposed to faster American romance/love.
If you are masculine, people might think you're an athlete or VIP/Celebrity person, which might help you to find people to date and make connections with.
If you are feminine, (and especially also American) as long as you don't care what race the guy is, you will have guys trying to connect with you, based on curiosity and them wanting to know you better.

 

[mineiscrafted]

In my opinion masculine athletic black men have very little issues in the dating market, most issues will be with fem and non-fit black men.