Telling a friend to admit he is gay

[ILoveGames48]

I have this friend that is so in the closet he acts like he is out of the closet— hope that sounds right as I typed it—
Anyhow.. we talked years ago at his job.. I took him his lunch.. and we were talking about things .. sexual nature.. with him it was always girls girls girls .. he knows I am gay so I just let him rant on about girls..

Years later he’s still single and women won’t give him the time of day ..



Now in the last few months he has told several of his friends to go to hell as they told him he needed to admit to himself that he was gay.. .. and it’s mostly his straight friends ..
and now today he comes over .. meets my “fiancé”. And he seems so miserable .. I’ve told him several times over the years he needs to come out and play .. and I told him that today.. and he seemed more offensive over it more than usual..

He cussed me out some and went to leave and I told him if he wants to continue to be miserable and keep his true self hidden that was his problem.. that if came over .. from now on don’t talk about girls and sex to me especially when tells me he hasn’t been with any in a while ..


So did I tell him the wrong way or is it no matter what way I tell him he’s just going to get on the offensive ?

 

[sheerq]

I have this friend that is so in the closet he acts like he is out of the closet— hope that sounds right as I typed it—
Anyhow.. we talked years ago at his job.. I took him his lunch.. and we were talking about things .. sexual nature.. with him it was always girls girls girls .. he knows I am gay so I just let him rant on about girls..

Years later he’s still single and women won’t give him the time of day ..



Now in the last few months he has told several of his friends to go to hell as they told him he needed to admit to himself that he was gay.. .. and it’s mostly his straight friends ..
and now today he comes over .. meets my “fiancé”. And he seems so miserable .. I’ve told him several times over the years he needs to come out and play .. and I told him that today.. and he seemed more offensive over it more than usual..

He cussed me out some and went to leave and I told him if he wants to continue to be miserable and keep his true self hidden that was his problem.. that if came over .. from now on don’t talk about girls and sex to me especially when tells me he hasn’t been with any in a while ..


So did I tell him the wrong way or is it no matter what way I tell him he’s just going to get on the offensive ?

If he’s not ready, he’s not ready. His life, his timing, his decision.

 

[ILoveGames48]

That I agree completely .. but it’s the fact the only person he is fooling is himself.. .. I think he did tell one guy he was gay years ago but since then he won’t talk to the guy he told it to.. figured if he ignores him no one will find out..

 

[1wldprefernot2]

He will figure out what he is and what he isn't. How he labels himself and perceives his sexuality may change and evolve over time, or it may not. Respect his privacy and his decisions. As a friend, let him know you love and support him.

 

[malakos]

None of you are really acting like you're his friends. He deserves better.

 

[ILoveGames48]

I think we are being his friends by telling him he needs to come out of the closet .. instead of calling him names like a lot of people would do.. and put him down for it as well ..


There was one time we were talking and he he asked me when did my parents find out about me being gay.. I told him I never really considered myself in the closet .. that he can ask a few of my friends now about it ..

 

[malakos]

I think we are being his friends by telling him he needs to come out of the closet .. instead of calling him names like a lot of people would do.. and put him down for it as well ..

If you were his friends you would support him living his life as he wants to live it. You'd also be more understanding about how difficult it is for some to come to terms with their sexualities (assuming he is in fact struggling with this), instead of insisting he needs to do so on your terms.

 

[ILoveGames48]

Well he is now out of the closet .. not because of us.. but actually his parents ..

It was his birthday .. they got him a card.. I am trying to get a pic of it so can see it

But it basicly say

Today is your son.. we love you every day. We don’t if you’re straight or bi or even if you’re gay..

And couple other lines afterwards I can’t remember it all.. but he was shocked and they said they were trying to figure out a way to let him know that they knew he was gay..

So everyone at his party cheered and let him know no matter what they will always be friends ..

I know I’ve told him about my coming out and all.. and he was like .. were you ever in the closet .. I said no.. people asked me if I was gay ( back then it was queer and the f word ..). I’d say yes ..

But as I had explained to him before years earlier .. about it all..

But he feels better knowing his family is ok with it

 

[Thom Hewson]

Well he is now out of the closet .. not because of us.. but actually his parents ..

It was his birthday .. they got him a card.. I am trying to get a pic of it so can see it

But it basicly say

Today is your son.. we love you every day. We don’t if you’re straight or bi or even if you’re gay..

And couple other lines afterwards I can’t remember it all.. but he was shocked and they said they were trying to figure out a way to let him know that they knew he was gay..

So everyone at his party cheered and let him know no matter what they will always be friends ..

I know I’ve told him about my coming out and all.. and he was like .. were you ever in the closet .. I said no.. people asked me if I was gay ( back then it was queer and the f word ..). I’d say yes ..

But as I had explained to him before years earlier .. about it all..

But he feels better knowing his family is ok with it

You can't underestimate the power of acceptance or the fear of being rejected. Amazing and wonderful that his parents opened the door. It would have taken special insight (or training) to have zeroed in on the barrier that was preventing him from accepting himself.. in this case it seems like that was his family. But even if he'd admitted it or you knew how to get to the, er, bottom of things and figure that out, it doesn't necessarily mean you'd be in a position to impact his family or get them to open up.

I hope he finds peace and happiness and that you can help him along the journey he's only beginning now to navigate.

 

[Steve_Flint]

I have this friend that is so in the closet he acts like he is out of the closet— hope that sounds right as I typed it—
Anyhow.. we talked years ago at his job.. I took him his lunch.. and we were talking about things .. sexual nature.. with him it was always girls girls girls .. he knows I am gay so I just let him rant on about girls..

Years later he’s still single and women won’t give him the time of day ..



Now in the last few months he has told several of his friends to go to hell as they told him he needed to admit to himself that he was gay.. .. and it’s mostly his straight friends ..
and now today he comes over .. meets my “fiancé”. And he seems so miserable .. I’ve told him several times over the years he needs to come out and play .. and I told him that today.. and he seemed more offensive over it more than usual..

He cussed me out some and went to leave and I told him if he wants to continue to be miserable and keep his true self hidden that was his problem.. that if came over .. from now on don’t talk about girls and sex to me especially when tells me he hasn’t been with any in a while ..


So did I tell him the wrong way or is it no matter what way I tell him he’s just going to get on the offensive ?

That's tough. My male lover and I have been together as long as we both have been married (20 years). We have made love maybe 500 times, yet he still thinks that gay+sinner or that I made him gay. He come across as metro-sexual or acts gay more so than me. I did seduce him when we were 20 because we were friends and I heard rumors that he was gay. He has said "I guess I am gay" but then month's later he obviously backs off. I have always been the one who has suggested that we make love but in 20 years he has never said no.I thinks he is scared of his wife (who is mean). My wife would support us if she knew as she loves me and him.
His parent's are also both still alive and elderly and he is an only child (mine parents have been dead for 15+ years). I think he fears what they would think of him if they knew, even though they love me and call me their second son--having known me for longer than they have his wife.
His kids are also screwed up. The college age girl (who lived with a boy and had an active sex life with him ) decided that she was a boy 2 years ago and mutilated her body (sorry, not politically correct but true) , his son now seems to be going the other way. He had to put his wife in alcohol rehab. Nobody knows anything about his secret. Who was there with him at every crisis point? Me. When he has lost jobs, I have always made connections to get him another. Yet, I turned him gay, seduced him or something. But in the dark of a hotel room, when we are naked and wrapped together, he will tell me that he loves me. I don't have any guilt,I just hurt for him.

 

[678wsb]

I'm confused as to what signs made you know that he was gay?

 

[ILoveGames48]

Well I wouldn’t be with anyone that has the attitude the I turned someone gay.. I’d tell him sorry buddy.. it doesn’t work that way and if that’s your way of thinking then we shouldn’t be together ..

I kept getting asked— what guy had sex with me that turned me gay…. It’s not done that way or I’d have sex with women to “ straighten “ me out


But hey.. I’ve been with women as well.. and that didn’t change the fact I love men more

We can’t get rid of the hate and ignorance if stay with someone that basicly doesn’t like the fact he is gay as well

 

[bravesoldier]

True, he has to internally accept it before any healing or getting better will be accomplished. I'm not out myself, but when I accepted it, that's when things eased up for me. This goes for anything really, when anyone learns to accept whatever they can't change, things start getting better.

 

[chancesare]

I came out to myself at 40. We all have a difficult journey with varying loads of baggage on the subject. He needs to figure it out with outside pressure.