The bi closet, so to speak...

[kingpioneerkingston]

Hi everyone,

I don't have a real question, but just wanted to hear if there are other people here in a similar situation like me, and how they navigate life in the closet.

The situation I am talking about: I am in a long-term, happy, monogamous relation with a woman. I have known for quite a while that I am both sexually and emotionally attracted to men as well. In fact, I think I might tend more to the gay side of the spectrum.
Nobody truly knows this about me, including my girlfriend (though some people suspect it, I guess).

You should also know, I have never acted on this. A drunken kiss with a friend is as far as I ever went. I present as truly straight in all my interactions with people. Yes, I watch gay and bisexual porn.

Why haven't I tried it with a guy?
First of all, because I really value my relationship, and don't want to cheat on her (yes I am aware that not telling her about my true self is also a form of cheating). We have built a really good life together, and I love her to bits. I honestly don't feel the urge to have sex with another person than her. I am curious about gay sex as an avstract thing, but not something to act on 'on the side'... I also don't feel I could come out to her. We've been together for so long now, and the secret coming out would probably be more toxic than it is today remaining a secret. In fact, I think that might even be the only reason of me not coming out. i don't think labeling it would bother me all that much.
Second reason, I really don't think I could thrive in the gay community. I have many gay friends, and I feel close to them (as in: I deeply connect with their attraction to guys, if that makes sense) but I always struggle with their lifestyle: heavy on the partying, open relations, short relations, lots of sex with different people, a exagerated focus on looks, etc. I am aware that this is a gross generalization, but it really is a common theme I notice with them, and even when they don't enter the gay scene with this mindset, they change because of it.

So I guess I've kind of settled on straight life. And there is a gay/bi cloud hanging over it, but it really isn't the most important aspect of my life... My main fear, perhaps, is that I would have regrets on my death bed.
Also: I can't imagine my relationship ending, but if it does, I would probably end up with a guy...

 

[kingpioneerkingston]

To add a little bit more context: I did fall in love with a boy once. Just once. He was my best friend, and gay. I met him after I was already with my girlfriend. We were going through a bit of a difficult period, and he was my closest friend at the time.
Something almost happened. He was in a very new relationship of which he was still unsure, me and my gf were in our rough patch. On a trip we took together, we slept in the same bed, and one night something almost happened, but didn’t. But I know if I had followed through, my friend would have gone along with it.
That is the only “what could have been” moment I’ve had…

 

[Boaxy]

This is just my opinion, but due to the current timeline of social political unrest, (and maybe it's easy for me to say as I'm a single Black gay feminine man, and been this way all my life, even in my youth, and I'm in my 30s now.) I can understand somewhat if this were twenty or so years ago. I would agree with you, that as long as you were faithful to your wife, and weren't sleeping around with other men, you can keep your curiosity to yourself.

However, again as I said, it's 2024, a few more days we'll be into 2025, so we are in a different time now. Belgium is an LGBTQ safe space. So I think you need to come out and be honest. If she leaves you, then she didn't really love you. I'm so fucking sorry.

I also felt your comments about staying closeted were kinda depressing and sad, and you hold incorrect generalizations. Yes I'm feminine/flamboyant/fruity, but I can count on my left hand, and have close to five fingers still up, on the number of guys I've had sex with. Some gay men are promiscuous, but I am not. I also don't really care about being trendy with my appearance. If someone isn't keen on the way I look, then I couldn't care less. Yes there are some gay men who are vapid and are into appearance, but not all of them are. I feel you could adjust all those poorly thoughts you have of the LGBTQ community, into something good, and possibly join LGBTQ acceptance groups/political groups.

Or you can just keep it a deep dark secret smh, but I just feel in this day and age, and where you are located, that seems very depressing. But that's just me.

But it is your choice. I'm just some ignorant absent minded fool on a sex discussion message board, so although I do hope you take a some of my sentiment into consideration, whatever I say is not bond or law, but just saying.

Hoping the best for you.

 

[kingpioneerkingston]

This is just my opinion, but due to the current timeline of social political unrest, (and maybe it's easy for me to say as I'm a single Black gay feminine man, and been this way all my life, even in my youth, and I'm in my 30s now.) I can understand somewhat if this were twenty or so years ago. I would agree with you, that as long as you were faithful to your wife, and weren't sleeping around with other men, you can keep your curiosity to yourself.

However, again as I said, it's 2024, a few more days we'll be into 2025, so we are in a different time now. Belgium is an LGBTQ safe space. So I think you need to come out and be honest. If she leaves you, then she didn't really love you. I'm so fucking sorry.

I also felt your comments about staying closeted were kinda depressing and sad, and you hold incorrect generalizations. Yes I'm feminine/flamboyant/fruity, but I can count on my left hand, and have close to five fingers still up, on the number of guys I've had sex with. Some gay men are promiscuous, but I am not. I also don't really care about being trendy with my appearance. If someone isn't keen on the way I look, then I couldn't care less. Yes there are some gay men who are vapid and are into appearance, but not all of them are. I feel you could adjust all those poorly thoughts you have of the LGBTQ community, into something good, and possibly join LGBTQ acceptance groups/political groups.

Or you can just keep it a deep dark secret smh, but I just feel in this day and age, and where you are located, that seems very depressing. But that's just me.

But it is your choice. I'm just some ignorant absent minded fool on a sex discussion message board, so although I do hope you take a some of my sentiment into consideration, whatever I say is not bond or law, but just saying.

Hoping the best for you.

Thank you for that honest reflection. I understand where you’re coming from, and I agree to a certain point.
I also understand how some things in my original post sound judgemental towards the gay community, so maybe I should clarify it’s about me feeling I wouldn’t fit in, rather than a judgement per se. I am aware I generalised, though, which isn’t fair of me.

 

[kingpioneerkingston]

To clarify things a bit more-
- you said “if it were 20-30 years ago”. I get that, and actually, that would have been the appropriate point in my relationship to tell it. When I said my relationship is long-term, that is how long we’re talking about so yeah, back then it wasn’t that evident, and if I were starting over in today’s context, things would have been different
- the fact that I want my relation to be monogamous is a far more important reason to me than the whole gay community thing (which I actually should have left out, because it reveals some internalised homophobia rather than actually contribute to my argument). To be clear: even if I told my girlfriend, I wouldn’t want to act on it. I’d still want to stay monogamous with her. It would just be about her knowing this.

 

[Triptych]

Being open about being gay is very different than being open about being bi, because you'll experience both homophobia and biphobia. Most women are turned off by bi men as they internalise homophobia and toxic masculinity, even when they seem accepting of gay men. It's difficult to navigate and I don't envy your situation especially as you have not really explored and so are keeping yourself unfulfilled.

 

[williethefoo]

Hi everyone,

I don't have a real question, but just wanted to hear if there are other people here in a similar situation like me, and how they navigate life in the closet.

The situation I am talking about: I am in a long-term, happy, monogamous relation with a woman. I have known for quite a while that I am both sexually and emotionally attracted to men as well. In fact, I think I might tend more to the gay side of the spectrum.
Nobody truly knows this about me, including my girlfriend (though some people suspect it, I guess).

You should also know, I have never acted on this. A drunken kiss with a friend is as far as I ever went. I present as truly straight in all my interactions with people. Yes, I watch gay and bisexual porn.

Why haven't I tried it with a guy?
First of all, because I really value my relationship, and don't want to cheat on her (yes I am aware that not telling her about my true self is also a form of cheating). We have built a really good life together, and I love her to bits. I honestly don't feel the urge to have sex with another person than her. I am curious about gay sex as an avstract thing, but not something to act on 'on the side'... I also don't feel I could come out to her. We've been together for so long now, and the secret coming out would probably be more toxic than it is today remaining a secret. In fact, I think that might even be the only reason of me not coming out. i don't think labeling it would bother me all that much.
Second reason, I really don't think I could thrive in the gay community. I have many gay friends, and I feel close to them (as in: I deeply connect with their attraction to guys, if that makes sense) but I always struggle with their lifestyle: heavy on the partying, open relations, short relations, lots of sex with different people, a exagerated focus on looks, etc. I am aware that this is a gross generalization, but it really is a common theme I notice with them, and even when they don't enter the gay scene with this mindset, they change because of it.

So I guess I've kind of settled on straight life. And there is a gay/bi cloud hanging over it, but it really isn't the most important aspect of my life... My main fear, perhaps, is that I would have regrets on my death bed.
Also: I can't imagine my relationship ending, but if it does, I would probably end up with a guy...

I’m also a closeted bi. I believe some people already suspect I’m gay, especially since I’m in my late 30s, have never dated or been with a woman, have a good-paying job, and have been known to be admired by many girls.

I’m naturally very nervous around women—I don’t know why, but I can’t seem to feel as comfortable with them as I do with men. I’ve had some experiences with women, but only in one-night-stand situations, and always with a male presence as a sort of bridge. Without that dynamic, I doubt those experiences would have happened.

I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for over 10 years now, and we’ve maintained an open relationship for several of those years. He knows about my bisexuality—while he’s never been fully comfortable with the idea of me being in a romantic relationship with a woman, he’s also never strictly opposed to it.

Honestly, I sometimes wish I could have a closer emotional relationship with a woman, and I even dream of us being in an open relationship as a throuple. But my boyfriend has no sexual or emotional attraction to women, so that dream remains just a thought.

If I were in your shoes, I’d hold on to your current relationship. It’s generally more accepted by society and provides stability that’s hard to find, especially compared to the challenges often faced in LGBT relationships. But if you ever feel the need to explore, try doing so with honesty and transparency. Bring your girlfriend into your thought process, communicate openly, and go at a pace that allows her to process and accept things gradually. Being faithful isn’t just about physical exclusivity—it’s also about emotional honesty.

 

[Sexyguy]

Hi everyone,

I don't have a real question, but just wanted to hear if there are other people here in a similar situation like me, and how they navigate life in the closet.

The situation I am talking about: I am in a long-term, happy, monogamous relation with a woman. I have known for quite a while that I am both sexually and emotionally attracted to men as well. In fact, I think I might tend more to the gay side of the spectrum.
Nobody truly knows this about me, including my girlfriend (though some people suspect it, I guess).

You should also know, I have never acted on this. A drunken kiss with a friend is as far as I ever went. I present as truly straight in all my interactions with people. Yes, I watch gay and bisexual porn.

Why haven't I tried it with a guy?
First of all, because I really value my relationship, and don't want to cheat on her (yes I am aware that not telling her about my true self is also a form of cheating). We have built a really good life together, and I love her to bits. I honestly don't feel the urge to have sex with another person than her. I am curious about gay sex as an avstract thing, but not something to act on 'on the side'... I also don't feel I could come out to her. We've been together for so long now, and the secret coming out would probably be more toxic than it is today remaining a secret. In fact, I think that might even be the only reason of me not coming out. i don't think labeling it would bother me all that much.
Second reason, I really don't think I could thrive in the gay community. I have many gay friends, and I feel close to them (as in: I deeply connect with their attraction to guys, if that makes sense) but I always struggle with their lifestyle: heavy on the partying, open relations, short relations, lots of sex with different people, a exagerated focus on looks, etc. I am aware that this is a gross generalization, but it really is a common theme I notice with them, and even when they don't enter the gay scene with this mindset, they change because of it.

So I guess I've kind of settled on straight life. And there is a gay/bi cloud hanging over it, but it really isn't the most important aspect of my life... My main fear, perhaps, is that I would have regrets on my death bed.
Also: I can't imagine my relationship ending, but if it does, I would probably end up with a guy...

To clarify things a bit more-
- you said “if it were 20-30 years ago”. I get that, and actually, that would have been the appropriate point in my relationship to tell it. When I said my relationship is long-term, that is how long we’re talking about so yeah, back then it wasn’t that evident, and if I were starting over in today’s context, things would have been different
- the fact that I want my relation to be monogamous is a far more important reason to me than the whole gay community thing (which I actually should have left out, because it reveals some internalised homophobia rather than actually contribute to my argument). To be clear: even if I told my girlfriend, I wouldn’t want to act on it. I’d still want to stay monogamous with her. It would just be about her knowing this.

I’d say if you wouldn’t want to act on it even if you told her then there’s no point in telling her - doesn’t gain anything and would just hurt her.

When I was younger I was in a relationship with a girl for about 3 years but was always super curious about guys. Bad on me but eventually I did hook up with a guy behind her back. After I felt the most guilty I’ve ever felt in my life but also the sex was electric compared to with her (which before I thought was good sex!) and I knew I needed to be with a guy.

 

[jln89]

Oh, I can't lie. You are the nightmare that many women dread to have to face one day. It's an unknown fear, as many say, and know that straight men cheat too, but we know what we are up against there. Most women have this ingrained need within us for Stability and Desire in a loving relationship. Everything gets a question mark when this issue arises.

The questions you need to ask yourself are:

1. What happens when things get bad again? The next "rough patch" will probably be a lot worse. Time, health, kids, and finances make that certainty to even the most loving of couples. So how you answer that question is what I would say to base it on.

2. Do you know deep down that you won't act on any urges in the future? If you don't, then I wouldn't waste the best years of her life. She still has a chance to start over with someone who shares all her wants and needs. If you're having doubts now, then usually these only grow with time. You will only become resentful towards her.

3. Could you be with her only because she's your safe space? Or because of what she's given you or who she's turned you into? Or do you truly love her? Could you have her forever without her doing anything for you ever? Women are not experiments, sheilds from stigma or incubators. We should get back what we put in. So if you love her like she loves you, then you will be good.

My advice regardless is DO NOT cheat. Don't tell her anything in hopes that she will allow you to have both. If you want her and know you won't cheat, then leave it be. If you are just keeping her as a backup, then just let her go and don't waste her best years. She still has the chance to be with someone who has everything she desires everything she wants. Don't be 3 kids down, and then one day, have her find your secret. If you want to tell her. Write it down so that after she's calmed down, she can read it. But be prepared to reassure her every day going forward so she remains comfortable with the new you. You may get lucky and have no issues at all. There's a reason that women and men think differently and want different things, though.

I definitely would seek out a therapist to talk it out with, regardless. If you can, then i would invest in a couples therapist also. If any couples make it through infedility, etc, it's usually the ones who have a couples therapist. Get support and advice from sites specifically for helping bi men with issues and questions that only other bi men can relate and answer to. Stay away from the sexual bi men sites as they will only make you more confused.

Good luck.

 

[dunluce]

I have always lived by "DO NO HARM" in interpersonal relationships.

Life can definitely suck for those of us who have same sex desire and attraction.

"You can't always get what you want" and one owes it to the person we are in a relationship with to give them what makes them happy.

If she has an inkling of your "bi" side (she probably does) and if it was ok for her, she would let you know she would be ok with it. On the other hand, if it would hurt her to acknowledge it, she will not mention it.

Do not hurt her!

It is very difficult and painful to go through a long life with a strong desire to be with a man and not act on it. If the opportunity arises and in a weak moment you act out, go easy on yourself. None of us are perfect. Just do all in your power to cause no harm.

 

[BIGBULL29]

I’m also a closeted bi. I believe some people already suspect I’m gay, especially since I’m in my late 30s, have never dated or been with a woman, have a good-paying job, and have been known to be admired by many girls.

I’m naturally very nervous around women—I don’t know why, but I can’t seem to feel as comfortable with them as I do with men. I’ve had some experiences with women, but only in one-night-stand situations, and always with a male presence as a sort of bridge. Without that dynamic, I doubt those experiences would have happened.

I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for over 10 years now, and we’ve maintained an open relationship for several of those years. He knows about my bisexuality—while he’s never been fully comfortable with the idea of me being in a romantic relationship with a woman, he’s also never strictly opposed to it.

Honestly, I sometimes wish I could have a closer emotional relationship with a woman, and I even dream of us being in an open relationship as a throuple. But my boyfriend has no sexual or emotional attraction to women, so that dream remains just a thought.

If I were in your shoes, I’d hold on to your current relationship. It’s generally more accepted by society and provides stability that’s hard to find, especially compared to the challenges often faced in LGBT relationships. But if you ever feel the need to explore, try doing so with honesty and transparency. Bring your girlfriend into your thought process, communicate openly, and go at a pace that allows her to process and accept things gradually. Being faithful isn’t just about physical exclusivity—it’s also about emotional honesty.

I am attracted to pussy, but I always a need a dude to help me get there. Only with very promiscuous women would I not need a “male” bridge. I am attracted to women’s genitals and tits, bit I get very uncomfortable around women, even though I might desire one sexually from time to time. But with men. I don’t like playing with a dudes dick— more his ass/muscles/competition. I am very confused all of my life. I don’t care anymore as I am on my late 40s.

I give you all my best. I wish I had answers but I don’t. I can’t really fall in love with anyone. I think I am aromantic ( sad to say).

I’m a loving a man but could never click with anyone sexually.

Best of luck to you all. Take care.

 

[Slugger33333]

I think there's no need to tell anyone or change anything. You are lucky to have a great relationship with a woman. Focus on that and you'll not regret.

 

[sfarugby]

I think there's no need to tell anyone or change anything. You are lucky to have a great relationship with a woman. Focus on that and you'll not regret.

I think you are exactly right.... And I bet if they truly are secure and confident, she would at the very least lean into a fantasy...

 

[Sagittarius84]

I'll say this: assuming you never act on a homoerotic urge, nor bring it up into your relationship, I don't think you need to leave the closet, so to speak. But honestly I think most men in that state are doomed to slip when the opportunity arises, or won't find contentment in their relationship without it being brought up. Which means ideally, you should have at least given some indication to your gf and allowed her to make an informed decision about being with you, but now much like @Boaxy implied I think the most honorable thing is to be honest with her now...
What I don't agree with is...

If she leaves you, then she didn't really love you. I'm so fucking sorry.

That is categorically unfair, and ignores the real world context any adult man should have when mating and dating with adult women. She has just as much of a foundation to imply you don't really love her because you didn't even give her a chance to decide whether or not she would be dating a bisexual man. Love is a series of actions, not some esoteric melding of physical and romantic attraction; she could love you deeply and still be made sexually averse to you.
The collective hypocrisy practiced by most heterosexual women when it comes to their social and sexual interactions with men in homoerotic proximity will forever be a valid topic of discussion, but no amount of logic will ever usurp nor define a woman's sexual attraction, and OP needs to embrace that at least that one aspect of love is something he needs to put to the test if he would like to have a healthy relationship with a woman.

 

[jln89]

I am attracted to pussy, but I always a need a dude to help me get there. Only with very promiscuous women would I not need a “male” bridge. I am attracted to women’s genitals and tits, bit I get very uncomfortable around women, even though I might desire one sexually from time to time. But with men. I don’t like playing with a dudes dick— more his ass/muscles/competition. I am very confused all of my life. I don’t care anymore as I am on my late 40s.

I give you all my best. I wish I had answers but I don’t. I can’t really fall in love with anyone. I think I am aromantic ( sad to say).

I’m a loving a man but could never click with anyone sexually.

Best of luck to you all. Take care.

You either have internal homophobia or no practice speaking to women as human beings. Most likely both. The best men or dates that I've had were guys who talked to me like a human being. Not someone who tried too hard or watched every word he said and especially not the show offs. We say stupid things also, we make mistakes and say the wrong things to guys we like. We aren't mythical creatures. This is where the internet has got us now. I would go out and talk to women without thinking that the end goal is to sleep with them. It sounds really anti feminist of me, but start talking to women you don't find attractive at first to ease you in. But I would go to social places that you enjoy to find them, but don't see them as a sexual partner or a relationship. Just try and talk. I really don't recommend saying you need your friend John in the room to have sex wuth girls either. Nothing will crush a girls self-esteem more than a guy who needs a male audience to cum.

 

[i-feel-fantastic]

I get that you’re happy in your relationship, but even if you have no intentions to act on your attraction to men, I can’t imagine being able to be happy while hiding such an important part of yourself.

Don’t you have anyone in your life you trust enough that you can confide in? A best friend? A sibling? A therapist? The fact that you even posted this suggests to me that you at least want to share this with someone.

 

[Mrwiz2121]

Hi everyone,

I don't have a real question, but just wanted to hear if there are other people here in a similar situation like me, and how they navigate life in the closet.

The situation I am talking about: I am in a long-term, happy, monogamous relation with a woman. I have known for quite a while that I am both sexually and emotionally attracted to men as well. In fact, I think I might tend more to the gay side of the spectrum.
Nobody truly knows this about me, including my girlfriend (though some people suspect it, I guess).

You should also know, I have never acted on this. A drunken kiss with a friend is as far as I ever went. I present as truly straight in all my interactions with people. Yes, I watch gay and bisexual porn.

Why haven't I tried it with a guy?
First of all, because I really value my relationship, and don't want to cheat on her (yes I am aware that not telling her about my true self is also a form of cheating). We have built a really good life together, and I love her to bits. I honestly don't feel the urge to have sex with another person than her. I am curious about gay sex as an avstract thing, but not something to act on 'on the side'... I also don't feel I could come out to her. We've been together for so long now, and the secret coming out would probably be more toxic than it is today remaining a secret. In fact, I think that might even be the only reason of me not coming out. i don't think labeling it would bother me all that much.
Second reason, I really don't think I could thrive in the gay community. I have many gay friends, and I feel close to them (as in: I deeply connect with their attraction to guys, if that makes sense) but I always struggle with their lifestyle: heavy on the partying, open relations, short relations, lots of sex with different people, a exagerated focus on looks, etc. I am aware that this is a gross generalization, but it really is a common theme I notice with them, and even when they don't enter the gay scene with this mindset, they change because of it.

So I guess I've kind of settled on straight life. And there is a gay/bi cloud hanging over it, but it really isn't the most important aspect of my life... My main fear, perhaps, is that I would have regrets on my death bed.
Also: I can't imagine my relationship ending, but if it does, I would probably end up with a guy...

im happy you love your girl so much to not cheat but if you want to understand how sex with a guy is you going to have to tell her before you do slip up with a guy

 

[circedbychoice]

I don't understand why anti swelling meds are not administered pre op as I was here in the USA. I had no swelling issues post op. I did have some bruising but that wasn't a problem. My doctor told me me before release from hospital my dick would look like the dogs had been chewing on it, because of the bruising. But the healing went fine with no problems.

 

[circedbychoice]

I don't understand why anti swelling meds are not administered pre op as I was here in the USA. I had no swelling issues post op. I did have some bruising but that wasn't a problem. My doctor told me me before release from hospital my dick would look like the dogs had been chewing on it, because of the bruising. But the healing went fine with no problems.

How did my above post end up here? It was supposed to be in MY CIRCUMCISION EXPERIENCE.

 

[jbf78]

Hi everyone,

I don't have a real question, but just wanted to hear if there are other people here in a similar situation like me, and how they navigate life in the closet.

The situation I am talking about: I am in a long-term, happy, monogamous relation with a woman. I have known for quite a while that I am both sexually and emotionally attracted to men as well. In fact, I think I might tend more to the gay side of the spectrum.
Nobody truly knows this about me, including my girlfriend (though some people suspect it, I guess).

You should also know, I have never acted on this. A drunken kiss with a friend is as far as I ever went. I present as truly straight in all my interactions with people. Yes, I watch gay and bisexual porn.

Why haven't I tried it with a guy?
First of all, because I really value my relationship, and don't want to cheat on her (yes I am aware that not telling her about my true self is also a form of cheating). We have built a really good life together, and I love her to bits. I honestly don't feel the urge to have sex with another person than her. I am curious about gay sex as an avstract thing, but not something to act on 'on the side'... I also don't feel I could come out to her. We've been together for so long now, and the secret coming out would probably be more toxic than it is today remaining a secret. In fact, I think that might even be the only reason of me not coming out. i don't think labeling it would bother me all that much.
Second reason, I really don't think I could thrive in the gay community. I have many gay friends, and I feel close to them (as in: I deeply connect with their attraction to guys, if that makes sense) but I always struggle with their lifestyle: heavy on the partying, open relations, short relations, lots of sex with different people, a exagerated focus on looks, etc. I am aware that this is a gross generalization, but it really is a common theme I notice with them, and even when they don't enter the gay scene with this mindset, they change because of it.

So I guess I've kind of settled on straight life. And there is a gay/bi cloud hanging over it, but it really isn't the most important aspect of my life... My main fear, perhaps, is that I would have regrets on my death bed.
Also: I can't imagine my relationship ending, but if it does, I would probably end up with a guy...

I think you should give your current relationship for one year, if its not working out, then