For most of college I had a huge crush/limerence on a close female friend of mine, like a really massive crush. She made it clear that she didn't feel the same way about me, so we were always just friends and never did so much as kiss. However, my crush on her lingered. The thing is, in all that time I was borderline in love with her, I would go home and jerk off to gay porn or to pictures of hot dudes. In all that time I think I jerked off to her a grand total of 2 times. I was fully in love with her and wanted to be with her, but it dawns on me now that I rarely thought about her sexually. Now, well, I'm long over that particular crush and we lost touch (and she's married now). Then I had a crush on another girl at my old job that led nowhere (she made it clear she saw me as a friend). But same thing. And this other girl was really gorgeous and kind of horny, like she was always talking about sex, but even though she was so beautiful I could look at her for hours, I never really thought of her in sexual terms.
Recently, I've gotten a bit of a slight obsession with an IG model. I can spend hours looking at her pics and I actually do think of her sexually, like a lot. The problem is, I get horny looking at her pics and start to jerk off but the boner doesn't happen. So then I switch to pics of hot dudes or gay porn and boom, instant boner and I cum in under 5 minutes. Same thing happens when I see a hot girl at the gym or with hot female celebs or insta thots, etc. They're what get me horny enough to want to masturbate in the first place but jerking off to men is the only way I can reliably get myself off.
I think there are only 2 explanations:
1) I developed some kind of performance anxiety even when jerking off to women and some kind of Pavlovian response that tells my brain I can only get hard and cum when jerking off to men.
2) Or, and Occam's Razor tells us this is the simplest and most logical explanation, I'm straight up gay. Bisexual romantic, sure, in that I'm only romantically into women, but if I can only get hard with men, then that means I'm sexually, full-on gay.
Forgot to add: No, I've never had even the smallest crush on a man, I rarely find men irl (or in porn, or in general, really!) attractive, only a handful of them, and I have zero interest in dating or being in a romantic relationship with a man.
