Ya’ll Help - My Best Friend Confusing Af

[LikesBoys]

Hey guys , I need advice .
Me and this guy been best friends for 6 yrs.
We met at his job , I was a customer and we exchanged numbers on the basis that I would help him find another job , but I literally was so breath taken by him , he’s beautiful , and the way he looked at me and ignored every pretty girl I was with I was certain he was gay .
Before we knew each other , he would stare as I walked past the store , and sometimes follow me out , but not say anything .

anyways , we exchanged numbers - and it began from there 24/7 texting ... movie dates ... dinner dates ....
He was so touchy feely and would always find a way to touch me , squeeze my biceps , touch my nipples , rub ‘debris’ from my crotch area .
I thought I was dating someone . He talked about how he ignores girls and avoids them and how he would never ask a girl out of for their number ...he gives them his But will never answer as he doesn’t have there’s saved . He deleted social media due to too much female attention.

anyways, things were moving slow physically .. so I was like , is he not gonna make any real moves ... he joked about how I was his penis all the time , and he knows I’m in love with him, and I laughed it off . Then one day he kept pushing me to respond instead of laughing it off. And I said yeah , I’m gay , yes I like you .
He said he knew I was gay. But didn’t know I liked him . Next day he took me out for ice cream , and was MORE touchy feely than usual, he’d rest his hand on my knee whilst driving , or put rest his hand on mine whilst it’s on the gear stick . But never did he say back that he was gay or interested.

some other facts
* dude checks out dudes , rarely females
*face piercing , next to eye .
* point outs good looking guys to me , and if I say someone is sexy - he’ll say ‘no
They’re not, he’s not sexy’ etc
*grooms like a female , started grooming eyebrows since meeting me .
*knows all the gay celebrities and their coming out stories , random details !
*loves watching gay voguing, and wishes he could twerk
*spends days debating how tight my asshole is , telling me it can’t be that tight etc ,
* always asks to see my strip tease videos/nudes... thinks they will be ‘funny’
*exchanges photos for things he wants to see , my nipples / my feet .
*flashes his ass at me
*says theirs a side of him people will never know, nobody knows the real him
* told me to come out (I am out) , he knows from experience , the longer you wait , the more pointless it becomes .
* makes a big deal to promote me as his gay friend , wants everyone to know if gay
*really intimate long hugs when we see each other
*separates bisexual from gay , and thinks people
Can have ‘gay encounters’ without being gay .


There’s a bunch of other stuff but I hope you get the gist .
So , what’s throwing me .
During the first 4 yrs of our friendship , he never had a girlfriend was , told me about girls he slept with prior , and I got jealous and he told me not to be , he wouldn’t be , it was so long ago .
But yeah no girlfriend whilst we were friends . things got so hard for me as there was no progression I had an emotional breakdown and cut him off . We didn’t talk for a whole year because I was so distressed by how much I loved him but how closeted he seemed .

we reconnected after a year , I reached out, he reached back and told me he was having a baby and has a girlfriend that he now lives with .
I could NOT believe it . I was heartbroken . We met up and it was if nothing had ever changed . He told me how he cannot stand his girlfriend and it was all a big mistake , he complains about her every single day to me . And at first asked me round every weekend , to the point I got nervous that she would hate me . He would invite me round when she would go for trips , but she would here I’m there and come back home! As if she was scared .
When she’s there , the touchy feeliness happens as soon as she leaves them room . He’ll start rubbing me knee , putting his hand down the back of my pants and pulling my ass hairs ... (random) playing footsie ...flashing his ass , tryna pull my pants down , slapping my ass and shit like that .

one thing that has changed , is he randomly throws out that ‘he’s straight for no reason whatsoever’ ... if we’re at the grocery store and use different checkouts he’ll say ‘Oh your using the gay checkout , I’m using the straight one’
Just random shit. I tell him textbook signs of closeted gays and he’s like ‘ but I do that , and I’m not gay’ . He thinks gaydar is a fad and nobody can really tell if people are gay or not . But then he questions me on if his friends are gay (which like 4 are btw, but I don’t tell him )
He wanted to download Grindr , to see who was gay in his area. He’s just odd .

the other night , I used a new lip balm , was just me and him and his kid . Told him to smell my lips and are faces for so close and we locked eyes , we had both been drinking , I thought we was going to kiss , but I got nervous and pulled away ! Then an hour later he asked me if I think I could turn a straight guy , and I said ‘hell yeah every straight guy ‘ and his response was

“Not me , I’m super straight , straightest man ever , I can’t be turned , it’s not my thing , it’s not what I’m into , never has been , never will , I’ve been having sex with females only” ..... and I thought wow , that was a whole lot of defence for nothing .

so as you can see , I’m in a crazy predicament , I was almost certain with a couple of drinks , something would happen , as drink seems to throw him all over me , but with statements like that ! I get confused .

 

[Bull9in]

This guy is the kind that gay men pine over, hoping against hope that it will turn into something. It won't, because he's not mentally healthy. Whether he truly has a diagnosable mental condition, or he is simply so screwed up due to his unreconciled sexuality, he is heartache on a stick for you. It cannot, in any way, end well.

1. You never make a move... you're unhappy.
2. You wait for him to make a move. He won't. You're unhappy.
3. You make a move, he rejects you... you're unhappy.
4. You fuck. He gets cold feet after. You're unhappy.
5. You fuck. He keeps you as a side piece, while he tends to his kid and girlfriend. You're unhappy.

You know in your heart, after literally pouring your feelings out to him, that if he were interested, you'd be banging already. You're not. He's not well. Ask yourself, how much more crazy do you want to expose yourself to? You cut off communication with him, and he immediately went out, banged a chick, and got her pregnant. Then had the audacity to say it was a mistake! ? Run, do not walk to the nearest exit. Don't you deserve someone who can reciprocate your feelings? Wish him well, and move on.

 

[1225108]

1. You never make a move... you're unhappy.
2. You wait for him to make a move. He won't. You're unhappy.
3. You make a move, he rejects you... you're unhappy.
4. You fuck. He gets cold feet after. You're unhappy.
5. You fuck. He keeps you as a side piece, while he tends to his kid and girlfriend. You're unhappy.

Or:
6. They have wild sex and leave it at that.

Trouble is @LikesBoys has had this crush for years and is emotionally invested.
And I think a lot of the signs he wants to see as evidence this guy is gay or bisexual might actually be just his way to show his genuine fondness and affection. He IS flirting by the sound of it, but it sounds more like acting playful and being liked. Not about getting sex, an affair or a relationship.
And yes he's at least a bit weird, disrespectful to his girlfriend etcetera. Wouldn't be the first straight man that loves but doesn't actually like women.

 

[LikesBoys]

Or:
6. They have wild sex and leave it at that.

Trouble is @LikesBoys has had this crush for years and is emotionally invested.
And I think a lot of the signs he wants to see as evidence this guy is gay or bisexual might actually be just his way to show his genuine fondness and affection. He IS flirting by the sound of it, but it sounds more like acting playful and being liked. Not about getting sex, an affair or a relationship.
And yes he's at least a bit weird, disrespectful to his girlfriend etcetera. Wouldn't be the first straight man that loves but doesn't actually like women.

I mean ... I appreciate what your saying .
But it always hits a nerve when people say ‘maybe your imagining it or just seeing what you want to see’ .... lol .
This situation has definitely consumed my brain and I’ve had therapy etc Because of it , I’m very aware of people ‘ seeing things they want to see’ and I’d like to think I’m more sensible than that , I use to write down all his behaviours and have a literal list of things to make sure I wasn’t ‘imagining stuff .( obsessive I know , but was trying prove a point to myself )

i think for me ... his interest in my nudes , my stripteases , my nipples , my feet make it a bit sexual ? . He’s got hardons while sitting beside me before in the movies. I mean I don’t think he’s very sexual in general though , him and his girlfriend don’t have sex, he says ew when I ask about if they kiss and stuff .... but then tries to make it out like she is withholding sex from
Him . It’s all so backwards .

but re-his sexuality ..Where he said there is a hidden part of him nobody knows .... and that I should take it from him ‘ & come out sooner rather than later , because the longer your leave it , it becomes pointless and harder etc’ and that he knows from experience - is almost like a confession within itself no ?
Sounds like I’m trying to hard sell this , but honestly I’m not , I have times where I distance myself and stuff to get over it , but he reacts by getting extra lovey Dovey and sends me shirtless photos ... videos .... flashes his ass to try and reel me back in .
he’s 33 btw guys, I never mentioned age . Don’t know if it makes a difference .

when we first met , he would send videos instead of text , often shirtless (for someone who was very body conscious ) - and often mimmick what I would do . I would start using popsicles and stuff in my videos back .. and he would talk about how he couldn’t stop focussing on me sucking the popsicles .. or I’d send a video saying I’m about to get in the shower , and he’d respond with one of him stepping in the shower . It’s just so complicated .

 

[LikesBoys]

This guy is the kind that gay men pine over, hoping against hope that it will turn into something. It won't, because he's not mentally healthy. Whether he truly has a diagnosable mental condition, or he is simply so screwed up due to his unreconciled sexuality, he is heartache on a stick for you. It cannot, in any way, end well.

1. You never make a move... you're unhappy.
2. You wait for him to make a move. He won't. You're unhappy.
3. You make a move, he rejects you... you're unhappy.
4. You fuck. He gets cold feet after. You're unhappy.
5. You fuck. He keeps you as a side piece, while he tends to his kid and girlfriend. You're unhappy.

You know in your heart, after literally pouring your feelings out to him, that if he were interested, you'd be banging already. You're not. He's not well. Ask yourself, how much more crazy do you want to expose yourself to? You cut off communication with him, and he immediately went out, banged a chick, and got her pregnant. Then had the audacity to say it was a mistake! ? Run, do not walk to the nearest exit. Don't you deserve someone who can reciprocate your feelings? Wish him well, and move on.

This guy is the kind that gay men pine over, hoping against hope that it will turn into something. It won't, because he's not mentally healthy. Whether he truly has a diagnosable mental condition, or he is simply so screwed up due to his unreconciled sexuality, he is heartache on a stick for you. It cannot, in any way, end well.

1. You never make a move... you're unhappy.
2. You wait for him to make a move. He won't. You're unhappy.
3. You make a move, he rejects you... you're unhappy.
4. You fuck. He gets cold feet after. You're unhappy.
5. You fuck. He keeps you as a side piece, while he tends to his kid and girlfriend. You're unhappy.

You know in your heart, after literally pouring your feelings out to him, that if he were interested, you'd be banging already. You're not. He's not well. Ask yourself, how much more crazy do you want to expose yourself to? You cut off communication with him, and he immediately went out, banged a chick, and got her pregnant. Then had the audacity to say it was a mistake! ? Run, do not walk to the nearest exit. Don't you deserve someone who can reciprocate your feelings? Wish him well, and move on.

I completely get what you’re saying . And for the longest I myself has thought something wasn’t quite right mentally . He use to have so much anger and hostility sometimes , it’s now mostly directed to his girlfriend , but I use to be on the receiving end . Walking away is easier said than done though , i left his apartment when he ranted about how straight he was , because it did upset me , then I thought , I have to accept this guy as just my friend .. so I went back in . And it’s just trying to make the friendship survive beyond the feelings . Because I can’t just cut him out my life , tried that , it didn’t work . I love him, I love his kid and I wanna be around for both of
Them . It’s his behaviour that affects things the most , I’m merely reacting .

 

[1225108]

But it always hits a nerve when people say ‘maybe your imagining it or just seeing what you want to see’

Sorry for hitting the nerve.
Perhaps try to consider people could be right about this.
Your friend calls himself straight. I'd take that as a clear hint that he does not want a romantic relationship with you.
He could be bisexual but as long as you two don't have sex that is of no importance.

It’s just so complicated .

Flirting always is. That's what's fun about it. Were it simple, it'd be boring.

I love him, I love his kid and I wanna be around for both of
Them

If you love them do what's best for them... Stay out.
That kid could get hurt when his dad leaves the mother for you. As the dad is your 'best friend' try telling him he and his girlfriend are responsible for their child. And if he doesn't like that, he shouldn't have knocked her up in the first place.
Good thing about having good friends is they can tell you the truth you don't want to hear.

And at this point I totally agree with @Bull9in : Move on.
Find other nice fella's, get laid and have your own life. If you want to raise a kid, find a partner that wants the same thing with you.

 

[LikesBoys]

Ok thanks for you advice , I do just want to clarify my position in this , as It always seems that in these situations the straight guy is put on some unreachable glorified GOD like pedestal and the gay guy is made out to be some shameful desperate predator who needs the straight guy . I am not chasing this dude , I hook up all the time, I’m good. I’m not sitting around waiting for this to happen .

I am not actively pursuing him, his behaviour is the catalyst here . I don’t touch him inappropriately , I don’t grab his ass etc . It’s His behaviour that has unfortunately led to feelings . These are more controllable now , I’m just trying to be his friend , but I can’t understand him.
I was just giving back story and hoping someone could put it into some perspective .
Not tell me ‘ your chasing him, let him go, he doesn’t want you, move on ‘ lol.
Just wanted help understanding his behaviour.
Thanks for responding however .

 

[1225108]

Just wanted help understanding his behaviour.
Thanks for responding however .

It's a mystery... Who knows why people do what they do.
Sometimes I know why I do what I do, although incomprehensible to others. Sometimes I just do things 'cause I feel like it.
And sometimes I don't even get me. Fun, isn't it? Life...

You're welcome. I like to think on other people's problems. They always seem much more simple than one's own. ;-)

And whatever you're going to do, keep the well-being of your friend's kid in mind bruh.
That was the tipping point for me, to tell you to get THE HELL out of there.
Nothing good can come from this for that kid.

And the one thing I can't stand is when an innocent child gets caught in the middle of a whole shitload of trouble when the adults can't get their shit together. And your friend doesn't need someone to understand him. HE needs to get his shit together.

 

[LikesBoys]

Whole heartedly agree ! , thanks man.

 

[Growing123]

He sounds like a malignant narcissist to me.

 

[1225108]

He sounds like a malignant narcissist to me.

What? REALLY? There are more like me out there? Cool....

 

[OKCLane]

Whole heartedly agree ! , thanks man.

Loads of great advice here. You knew what to do when you wrote the post, but we all like confirmation. When I was single and had a difficult decision with no definitive answer, I would sometimes say to a friend, I just want someone to tell me what to do. Lol
I’m not saying that’s what you’re doing. He sounds very conflicted and has a lot of shit he’s gotta get through before he’ll be a good partner for anyone, of any gender (to be inclusive).
Step away. The angst he’s bringing into your life isn’t worth it and he’s gotta fix himself, you can’t.

 

[cedarizzo]

I would RUN away from him! Maybe he is gay, maybe he is bi, maybe he really is straight. It doesn't matter, in his mind, he is straight and couldn't be gay. He has a long road of self discovery before he realizes what he wants. And he will only break your heart until he figures it out.

A friend of mine went through a similar thing. He met a guy named George at his job. George was good looking, but he was a ladies man at work. A few months later, George needed a place to live, so my friend let him move into his small house with him. When they were at home, George was always flirting and hitting on my friend. But a few months later George started dating a girl at work. This really confused my friend. But when he asked George about it, George would say that it was nothing and it wasn't serious. George would continue to flirt with my friend, walk around in his underwear, grabbing his dick, grabbing my friend's dick, humping him, etc. At one point, my friend and the girlfriend sat down with George and asked him what the deal was. George said he was just having fun with both but wasn't interested in either. A few months later, George started acting weird. My friend went into his shed looking for something when he discovered that George had stolen his mail and some personal belongings and was hiding them in the shed. My friend ended up calling the police and having him escorted from the property.

 

[LikesBoys]

I would RUN away from him! Maybe he is gay, maybe he is bi, maybe he really is straight. It doesn't matter, in his mind, he is straight and couldn't be gay. He has a long road of self discovery before he realizes what he wants. And he will only break your heart until he figures it out.

A friend of mine went through a similar thing. He met a guy named George at his job. George was good looking, but he was a ladies man at work. A few months later, George needed a place to live, so my friend let him move into his small house with him. When they were at home, George was always flirting and hitting on my friend. But a few months later George started dating a girl at work. This really confused my friend. But when he asked George about it, George would say that it was nothing and it wasn't serious. George would continue to flirt with my friend, walk around in his underwear, grabbing his dick, grabbing my friend's dick, humping him, etc. At one point, my friend and the girlfriend sat down with George and asked him what the deal was. George said he was just having fun with both but wasn't interested in either. A few months later, George started acting weird. My friend went into his shed looking for something when he discovered that George had stolen his mail and some personal belongings and was hiding them in the shed. My friend ended up calling the police and having him escorted from the property.

Damnn , George sounds awful .your poor friend . I’m sorry that happened to him , I can guarantee though this sitch is a little different lol . No stealing here . We actually have a friendship beyond all the flirting , we get on really well.
so it’s hard to just bounce completely , but I think calming things down and adding some distance may be the key .

 

[cedarizzo]

Damnn , George sounds awful .your poor friend . I’m sorry that happened to him , I can guarantee though this sitch is a little different lol . No stealing here . We actually have a friendship beyond all the flirting , we get on really well.
so it’s hard to just bounce completely , but I think calming things down and adding some distance may be the key .

Not saying your friend is stealing anything, but just like George, he sounds very confused. George was a very confused person, and he left all of us even more confused about him. In the end, we found out we didn't know his real name, anything about his past and his sexuality. We should have ran away from George as soon as we realized that everything we thought we knew about him was a lie. My advice to you is RUN AWAY!!!

 

[328982]

I mean ... I appreciate what your saying .
But it always hits a nerve when people say ‘maybe your imagining it or just seeing what you want to see’ .... lol .
This situation has definitely consumed my brain and I’ve had therapy etc Because of it , I’m very aware of people ‘ seeing things they want to see’ and I’d like to think I’m more sensible than that , I use to write down all his behaviours and have a literal list of things to make sure I wasn’t ‘imagining stuff .( obsessive I know , but was trying prove a point to myself )

i think for me ... his interest in my nudes , my stripteases , my nipples , my feet make it a bit sexual ? . He’s got hardons while sitting beside me before in the movies. I mean I don’t think he’s very sexual in general though , him and his girlfriend don’t have sex, he says ew when I ask about if they kiss and stuff .... but then tries to make it out like she is withholding sex from
Him . It’s all so backwards .

but re-his sexuality ..Where he said there is a hidden part of him nobody knows .... and that I should take it from him ‘ & come out sooner rather than later , because the longer your leave it , it becomes pointless and harder etc’ and that he knows from experience - is almost like a confession within itself no ?
Sounds like I’m trying to hard sell this , but honestly I’m not , I have times where I distance myself and stuff to get over it , but he reacts by getting extra lovey Dovey and sends me shirtless photos ... videos .... flashes his ass to try and reel me back in .
he’s 33 btw guys, I never mentioned age . Don’t know if it makes a difference .

when we first met , he would send videos instead of text , often shirtless (for someone who was very body conscious ) - and often mimmick what I would do . I would start using popsicles and stuff in my videos back .. and he would talk about how he couldn’t stop focussing on me sucking the popsicles .. or I’d send a video saying I’m about to get in the shower , and he’d respond with one of him stepping in the shower . It’s just so complicated .

What I'd question is why you find all this attractive? What's the draw?

 

[englad]

Mate, mate, mate, mate, hold up. Whatever his deal is, he screams drama, and not good drama but mindfuck drama. I'd agree that it sounds like he is flirting, but flirting can have a whole bunch of different purposes, ranging from lust to emotional attraction to banter (and the latter one is pretty common). My advice is just save yourself the hassle, you'll be happier without it.

 

[LikesBoys]

I don’t know if the draw is physical, as he’s the best looking guy I’ve ever seen literally and so many want him , and I keep hearing the saying ‘nothing worth having comes easy’ I don’t know .
Maybe I’m self torturing myself and I’ve become accustomed to it , I really don’t know .

i think enough of these responses has made me see the situation is a toxic one , it’s not good for me.

But what I want to know is do any of you think it’s a bad idea to try and maintain a friendship , even if lower key and a bit more distanced?

 

[1225108]

I don’t know if the draw is physical, as he’s the best looking guy I’ve ever seen literally and so many want him , and I keep hearing the saying ‘nothing worth having comes easy’ I don’t know .
Maybe I’m self torturing myself and I’ve become accustomed to it , I really don’t know .

i think enough of these responses has made me see the situation is a toxic one , it’s not good for me.

But what I want to know is do any of you think it’s a bad idea to try and maintain a friendship , even if lower key and a bit more distanced?

Yes.
You've got the hots for him so either you will only be pretending to be just his friend, or you'll be repressing your emotions.
And what I said about his kid. Don't become part of te problem, the situation is confusing enough as it is without you joining it.
So don't.

Perhaps tell him honestly you can't be his friend as you are still in love with him?
Get it out in the open. Show your love with being honest and by doing what's best for him AND his kid and stay away.

 

[LikesBoys]

Yes.
You've got the hots for him so either you will only be pretending to be just his friend, or you'll be repressing your emotions.
And what I said about his kid. Don't become part of te problem, the situation is confusing enough as it is without you joining it.
So don't.

Perhaps tell him honestly you can't be his friend as you are still in love with him?
Get it out in the open. Show your love with being honest and by doing what's best for him AND his kid and stay away.

yeah I do get that , and I’m not tryna to be hard headed here at all as I’m very grateful for the advice .I just think it’s important to note I’m very close to the kid now, Like a Godfather , and me and this guy have been a staple part of each others life for a very long time so to just cut ties will be a massive life altering decision . I think it can’t be so black and white as to just drop someone , that maybe easier said than done .

I know something has to change for my sanity and general well-being though , just a massive blow like that might not go down so well for either of us.