Now this is where there's a clash of conflict between bisexuals and monosexuals. "Everyone cheats on everyone so why is ours as bisexuals singled out as way more deviant than monosexuals?" It's the argument I've heard from most bi people and I'm sure y'all experience it nonetheless and it's not your fault because for some of you, y'all don't see gender
While I do agree that it shouldn't be treated as worse but it's not the same thing. Now I know you may not agree and you may not even get it because you are in a throuple and not a monogamous relationship which is the majority and which most people want (it could be an assumption but it's the reality of things). The question some monosexuals sometimes ask themselves when they get into relationships with bisexuals is "am I enough?" And yes monosexuals getting into relationships with other monosexuals ask themselves that question too but it's much more complicated when it's the former which you may not get. I'm just going to speak on the gay male side of things and why we view it that way, keep in mind that this is also anecdotal..........I've been in four relationships my entire life and they've all cheated on me, three were with bisexual men who left me for women (well I broke the last one up myself as it was amicable) with the last one telling me, I can't give a bisexual man everything a woman can, the bisexual man may love me and may not see it as a competition but that statement alone affected my psyche and self esteem making me question if I was enough for him, we both wanted the whole heteronormative picket fence life but when he made a comment like that, I pieced the puzzle pieces together and realized that a man may never be enough for most bisexual men especially the ones who are straight leaning (I was his first ever same sex relationship), now if he had cheated on me with a woman (because I had a feeling that's where things were headed as he wanted to open up the relationship because in his words, "he misses women"), I would have just died like literally kill myself because I loved him so much despite my gay friends telling me about their painful experiences with bi men and my own experiences with the previous bi men I dated, I'm sure he loved me too but I couldn't take that risk. What I'm trying to say is my fellow gay man cheating on me with another man didn't really hit or hurt the way the last two bi men cheated on me with women because of how heteronormativity rule the world and how opposite gender relationships are seen as higher, there were so many things that came into my mind before I broke up with him and when I weighed the pros and cons of being in an hetero relationship compared to an homo one, I had my answer so like I said, it's not the same
I already explained to urien why I made such statement, you can read it in the previous page
Isn't this equal to saying to gay men painting a broad stroke on all bi men that have been said here time and time again when gay men speak about their experiences with bi men?
This happens a lot and I'm glad you mentioned porn because there's a subset of gay men who don't like to watch g4p pornstars, infact once I know they are straight men, I'm completely turned off
Sorry for the assumptions as I went via your attraction metric and how monogamous relationships are seen as the norm but I did include a bit that said "I don't know if you are married or not".
I never implied or stated that we are non-monogamous. We are monogamous. But I get it, people often assume if a relationship is anything other than two people it's a non-monogamous free for all. Nor did I suggest that because we are a throuple that we are impervious to infidelity. We are not.
What is cheating should be defined by the people in the relationship. In my opinion the definition of cheating should be discusses, defined and agreed to at the beginning of a relationship and discussed, potentially redefined, periodically. I wish I knew that when I first got together with my ex wife. My ex wife considered masturbation, watching porn, looking at another attractive women cheating, she even got upset with me if someone "checked" me out (lots of lessons learned). Btw, before anyone makes any assumptions, prior to divorce I never had a sexual experience with another man.
In the case of one partner withholding sex for whatever reason and not making accommodations for their partners sexual needs and desires who is the "bad guy"? No need to pull out the "what about" scenarios, there are all kinds of reasons, exceptions and accommodations for the ebbs and flow of sex in a long term relationships. Sometimes, often, the victim of the infidelity is not the victim of the relationship.
The question of "I am not enough" or why am I not desirable to my partner. Not enough or undesirable is not limited to "I don't have the opposite genitals". Not enough/undesirable could be anything, not tall enough, dick is not big enough, dick is too small, dick is too big, breasts are too big or too small, too thin, too heavy, not fit enough, too fit, don't have brunette hair or blonde hair, or don't have blue eyes or brown eyes or not of a certain ethnicity, don't make enough money, not wealthy enough, not an intellectual equal, never serious, always serious, they don't don't share enough, they share too much, undesirable social status etc. the list of "not enough/undesirable" goes on and on.
For those who might be curious about infidelity, sexual desire and sexual compatibility in long term relationships, I suggest reading Esther Perel's "Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence" and "The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity". Her podcast is pretty fantastic as well. "The Erotic Mind" by Jack Morin is also very insightful.
Again the plural of anecdote is not data. Anecdotal experiences are personal experiences. Personal experiences are very real and legitimate for the individual who experience them and should be treated with respect and processed in a healthy manor. Personal experiences can range from amazingly wonderful to devastatingly painful and everything in-between. I am genuinely sorry you had some very negative experiences with bisexual men. I am guessing not all of your experiences with gay men were amazingly wonderful for both of you either. I am also okay with anyone choosing not to engage with bisexual men for their own individual self care and well being. But I am not okay with painting all bisexual men with the same brush. If someone was in an abusive relationship, that is horrendous and inexcusable, I don't think it would be fair to assume all members of the abusive persons gender to be abusive because that's just not true. The same is true of bisexual men. No one class of people is all good or all bad.
No two, or in my case three, people develop the same feelings at the same pace, that does not mean anyone is holding out or string someone along. One person always says I love you first. One person always says this relationship needs to change or end first. That's the joy and sometimes painful reality of being vulnerable to another person(s). The other harsh truth is most people never tell the real reason they end a relationship, either out of shame/embarrassment or an attempt to spare the partners feelings and self-respect. Relationships are not for the faint of heart.
At the end of the day I believe people should treat people the way they want to be treated, hopefully with kindness, empathy and respect. Leave the campsite better than you found it.
