Does Real love in the gay community exist in 2024?

[CmdrShepard]

Take everything we all post with a grain of salt. As I mentioned in my post - I will be inclined drifting towards my personal experience and my personal conclusions. They may not (and will not) work for every situation.

The best advice I can give you is to be open to experiences. Don't get me wrong, I'm not suggesting you should join sex clubs and do bukkake for example. Just don't focus too much on the destination and enjoy the journey. Love is a destination because it has foundation - it is built upon actual experiences. It's nurtured and developed. It takes time.

 

[Kinglmao]

Take everything we all post with a grain of salt. As I mentioned in my post - I will be inclined drifting towards my personal experience and my personal conclusions. They may not (and will not) work for every situation.

The best advice I can give you is to be open to experiences. Don't get me wrong, I'm not suggesting you should join sex clubs and do bukkake for example. Just don't focus too much on the destination and enjoy the journey. Love is a destination because it has foundation - it is built upon actual experiences. It's nurtured and developed. It takes time.

I receive this . It’s crazy cause lately I just been wanting to enjoy the journey of life without All the drama and disappointment. A lot of it came from the fact I was dating or around the wrong people . I didnt know who I was or what I was doing ( I’m still learning) but now I’m learning how to put myself first and I’m loving it so far . Doing what I want and watching what I want, without any extra has been nice . Though a partner or someone to share it with would be nice , self love is better . And I should appreciate the journey to get there a lot more . You are a wise man . thank you for your encouragement.

 

[chpoof]

Do you guys believe that actual monogamous love in the lgbt community actually exists?

It definitely exists because my husband and I have been living in that reality for 29+ years.

There are plenty of monogamous couples in the lgbt community. And plenty of couples who have been together for 10+ years plus and more.

Most of these couples are just out living their lives. Thye are likely older people.

They don't exist in the social media sphere trying to be attention seeking (some are of course). Or perpetually seeking drugs and sex like the single people are.

It's easy to get a picture of the "gay community" based on the Internet or a pride parade or your local bar. But those things don't encapsulate the breadth of gay and queer men in the world.

Exactly. My husband and I are those "older people" and yeah, we're just living out our lives. We keep a close circle of friends who are supportive and nurturing. We're not looking for anything; we already found what we were looking for in each other and have been building on it ever since.

 

[Kinglmao]

It definitely exists because my husband and I have been living in that reality for 29+ years.

Exactly. My husband and I are those "older people" and yeah, we're just living out our lives. We keep a close circle of friends who are supportive and nurturing. We're not looking for anything; we already found what we were looking for in each other and have been building on it ever since.

Congratulations to you guys . It’s genuinely nice to hear that you guys have been together so long . 29 years is a lot of time! Thank you for sharing your story .

 

[chpoof]

Congratulations to you guys . It’s genuinely nice to hear that you guys have been together so long . 29 years is a lot of time! Thank you for sharing your story .

Thanks so much. It's been an incredible journey, and I feel like the luckiest man in the world.

 

[Kinglmao]

a question that I already know the answer too but I wanna ask anyways ? If people don’t find you sexually attractive in this day and age are your chances way lowered at find a relationship? And how would someone go about winning someone over with their minds not looks?

 

[FanOfMrMagoo]

I met quite a few couples in France, I can confirm that the only monogamous people I met were not on apps.

There are a lot of couples on the apps, generally they are malformed couples (one is strictly top and the other is vers, or one is strictly bottom and the other vers). These couples are often on apps because one, generally the vers is frustrated. There are also pairs with the same edges (top and top, bottom and bottom). I come across a lot of them on apps. Most of the non-monogamous couples I meet are either frustrated or unable to settle for one person.

All the monogamists I've met are constantly saying thank you for not being on apps anymore, they may think I'm handsome, but that stops at the fantasy and they're not addicted to sex. It happens that they are rabbits in their relationship despite everything.

 

[Kinglmao]

I met quite a few couples in France, I can confirm that the only monogamous people I met were not on apps.

There are a lot of couples on the apps, generally they are malformed couples (one is strictly top and the other is vers, or one is strictly bottom and the other vers). These couples are often on apps because one, generally the vers is frustrated. There are also pairs with the same edges (top and top, bottom and bottom). I come across a lot of them on apps. Most of the non-monogamous couples I meet are either frustrated or unable to settle for one person.

All the monogamists I've met are constantly saying thank you for not being on apps anymore, they may think I'm handsome, but that stops at the fantasy and they're not addicted to sex. It happens that they are rabbits in their relationship despite everything.

Where did you meet the people not on the apps?

 

[deleted23661881]

I know many monogamous couples. Just don't go looking for love on GRINDR. Don't have sex on first dates. Get hobbies. Volunteer. Meet people. Go on dates. Talk. date people who are comatible with your routine and values.

 

[deleted23661881]

a question that I already know the answer too but I wanna ask anyways ? If people don’t find you sexually attractive in this day and age are your chances way lowered at find a relationship? And how would someone go about winning someone over with their minds not looks?

You might be trying to date out of your league. Which is not impossible. But really hard and prone to people taking advantage of you. You either date more on your league or work on yourself.

 

[Kinglmao]

who determines who’s on the team in these leagues? Lol

You might be trying to date out of your league. Which is not impossible. But really hard and prone to people taking advantage of you. You either date more on your league or work on yourself

 

[deleted23661881]

who determines who’s on the team in these leagues? Lol

I said that because you said this: "if people don’t find you sexually attractive in this day and age are your chances way lowered at find a relationship? And how would someone go about winning someone over with their minds not looks"? In my experience, the vast majority of men is sexually attractive to someone. Regarless if you are older or younger, thinner or heavier, etc, someone is into you. But, if you feel the people you are pursing are not sexually attracted to you, you might need to find a partner among the people who are. Or work on yourself.

 

[CmdrShepard]

a question that I already know the answer too but I wanna ask anyways ? If people don’t find you sexually attractive in this day and age are your chances way lowered at find a relationship? And how would someone go about winning someone over with their minds not looks?

Having good looks opens opportunities. It's easier to be noticed with good looks than with good personality. So it does play a role. But beauty is skin deep. Be interesting, have hobbies. Find someone you can talk about stuff you both care about. Show interest in them. Display good manners and respect. And most importantly - accept that sometimes you just don't have anything in common with the guys that catch your eye.

 

[chpoof]

I know many monogamous couples. Just don't go looking for love on GRINDR.

Generally speaking I would agree with you. I have a close friend, however, who actually ended up in two long-term committed relationships with guys he met on Grindr. The first one lasted four years, and he's made plans to marry the second one. As far as I know, those relationships have been monogamous. So I guess it can happen, but I suspect it's pretty uncommon.

 

[FanOfMrMagoo]

Where did you meet the people not on the apps?

To my great surprise everywhere. I've met them at work, in supermarkets or simply at manga conventions. Each time, he did not have Grindr or Scruff profiles.

 

[JackifSpades]

Of course it does! But it can only work if both parties are committed to each other’s personal growth and NOT modeled on the traditional judeo christian model that is based on ownership of property and defined gender roles, monogamy as the standard and designed to foster codependency.

Instead some of us were wise enough to at least try to redefine the constructs of partnership and marriage to make them more flexible, based on love and not ego, insecurities or fear. I’ve been with my partner since 1998. We don’t fuck but we are a fantastic team and we are open and honest with each other without ever getting into fights or doing things to hurt each other. Instead we acknowledge our imperfections, we consider each other but live our lives without the constraints, expectations, judgement etc that is typical of a traditional partnership/marriage. We want our partner to be happy. Even if that’s without us. Its a choice to be with someone who wants to be with you rather than needing you. Its a choice to not merge into one but to maintain our individuality and just be there for each other as we go through life’s ups and downs.

Check out the works of Gary Zukav. There’s another way and I can personally attest that it is infinitely better to be with someone who wants you to be your best self than with someone who expects you to make them happy. As Ru says, if you can’t love yourself how you gonna love somebody else?

 

[chpoof]

If people don’t find you sexually attractive in this day and age are your chances way lowered at find a relationship? And how would someone go about winning someone over with their minds not looks?

I'm not a good-looking guy by any stretch of the imagination. I'm average-looking at best, and I do not turn heads. I check out hot guys all the time who don't even glance my way.

That being said, I have two strong qualities: (1) I'm friendly and kind to people. I make eye contact and smile. That is huge. (2) I'm good in bed, especially with blowjobs. I suck like a vacuum cleaner and always swallow. That is also huge. Both of those qualities helped me land a very cute and devoted husband.

I don't mean to oversimplify or discount other factors, of course. But don't ever underestimate the importance of just being a nice person and an attentive lover.

So take that for what it's worth.

 

[CmdrShepard]

it is infinitely better to be with someone who wants you to be your best self than with someone who expects you to make them happy

Perfectly said.

 

[deleted23661881]

There’s another way and I can personally attest that it is infinitely better to be with someone who wants you to be your best self than with someone who expects you to make them happy.

I'd run from anyone who wants me to be my "best self". They don't love me. They love the version of me that they created in their head, without any of my input. If a person can't love who you are right now, but, instead, an idea of who they want you to be, run.

 

[JackifSpades]

I'd run from anyone who wants me to be my "best self". They don't love me. They love the version of me that they created in their head, without any of my input. If a person can't love who you are right now, but, instead, an idea of who they want you to be, run.

Nah that’s because you don’t believe it’s authentic. Im talking about actually wanting the best for your partner even if that means leaving your tired ass. I’m talking about the best you that you want to be, not the one that I want you to be. It’s not the easiest thing to find.