You have to find your best self. Only you. Not your partner. I agree people, many times, are not ready to be in any relationship and need to work to be ready first. But anyone pushing you to be your "best self" doesn't love you, doesn't value you, just wants you to fit in their plans or aesthetics.
Does Real love in the gay community exist in 2024?
- Thread starter Kinglmao
- Start date
It’s about meeting someone where they are at at first but then it’s about them helping you become the best you for you. And they loving you through that and vice versa . It’s about finding you someone who loves you for you even through the growth and changes . It’s about finding someone that loves you like your family does in a sense . Family is supposed to love you regardless of if you change no matter what they will love you . Same with a partner or spouse.
Think about it as "wanting your SO to succeed and reach his/her dreams even if that means leaving you behind".
You are not in a relationship to fix your or his/her life or trauma. You are together to experience life in a way you both enjoy.
Do you want you and your SO to be a bird in a cage - forced to be by your side or be free, but choose to remain with you? Isn't it more selfish to want someone be tied to you, forced to remain?
If that's how he sees a relationship, instead of a partnership, building a life together, he is selfish. "Forced to remain" sound very narcisistic. If your life plans don't even include your partner, you see no one but yourself.
You misunderstand. There is no intention to leave your SO. You let them grow even if you can not reach their heights. And you don't ask them to give up their dreams/opportunities or whatever to remain with you IF such a decision needs to be made. That's the definition of wanting someone to be happy even if their happiness someday may exclude you.
So only "healthy relationships" -- or, at least, ones useful as examples to others -- can be displayed at pride or bars? Not churches or synagogues? Not classrooms or clubs? Not restaurants or theaters? Not on the streets and in our neighborhoods? The manner in which you posed your response reveals its own answer -- you're looking in the wrong places and, likely, for the wrong things. That is not a mistake unique to gay men and their community, but one common to men -- gay or straight or bi -- who have not yet figured out the necessary attributes and behaviors for a healthy relationship. That paucity of understanding is not a fault of any "community" but a fault of the individual. I dare say you'll not find much on this site that enlightens you. But I will assert that that enlightenment begins with taking responsibility for making yourself the type of person with whom others would want for a healthy relationship.
If you love someone and choose them to be the closest member of your family, how do your dreams, plans and happiness excludes them? It makes no sense to me. I have passed on relocation opportunities that I really wanted because I couldn't accomodate taking my dog with me! Imagine my husband. People in a healthy relationship communicate, compromise and, generally, have common goals.
That’s fair but in today culture after COVID not many people are going places still in general. And the chances of finding a person outside of some of the safe spaces and spaces that have primarily LGBTQIA people are way lower. And tbh I’m open I’m not necessarily looking for anything because in my opinion that blocks the opportunity to meet someone I would have never thought about that could be my life partner . If I’m looking for a black man with a low fade all the time I’m missing on all the other races and types of men that are great men . Kyle with long hair , of Irish decent , and a good body build could be my soulmate but I’m only stuck on one thing. But that’s just me
I'd rethink that. If you have extra activities, like going to the gym or playing sports, taking classes, doing volunteer work, going to events or exhibits, getting involved with politics, be part of a pet owner's group, I mean, literally anything that takes you out and makes you interact with people, you will make acquaintances, perhaps friends and that networking will likely spand the people you know and you might either date someone in that group or they can introduce you to people.
What’s the percentage of the chance of that happening? Especially if you live in certain states, you have a higher chance on Grindr ( which I don’t prefer personally) than out in some places. But I digress. I’m gonna experiment all these theory’s and come back with the results of the experiments in a few months. I’ve been taking notes . lol so I hope everyone keeps the hypothesis coming.
Much higher than meeting people at gay bars or Grindr. Networing is how most people form serious relationships. Because you start from having friends and/or interests in common.
Even during COVID I was going anywhere I pleased, as frequently as I pleased and without fear. I suggest you adopt a similarly fearless approach to life.
The pattern here is your reluctance for taking responsibility for your lot in life. But that's on you and not the fault of others, no matter how much you try to deflect and defend and rationalize a less than satisfying sense of self.
Agreed. "Not enough gay families drinking at gay bars". "Not enough men on Grindr not looking for sex". "The hot men I want care about hotness, not personality". At some point, it's on you.
I met my partner when I was 20 and he was 19. Throughout our last 20 years together, we’ve always pushed each other to not just be ourselves…but our better self; that’s my idea of a better half. TBH, I’ve always been the main breadwinner…but never once thought of leaving him (or any friends/family for that matter) because of hierarchy differences. If you truly love someone, you do your best by them and vice versa.
To be loved is to feel enough. "Do this and, perhaps, you'll deserve love" is not love. "I'll love you when/if" is not love.
You sound very young…perhaps you’ll experience real love one day. We just celebrated 20 years, good luck to you!
