Is a relationship even worth it anymore? Love seems dead and the gay community seems a mess.

[Jjsurp99]

I guess we should give up dating gay men then right? What's the point?

Go for it most gay men are trash.

 

[jshooter]

Gay dude here and would love a boyfriend. I think we have to cast a wide net (both online and in real life) so even here is an opportunity to meet a great guy

 

[Burghf_er]

Gay dude here and would love a boyfriend. I think we have to cast a wide net (both online and in real life) so even here is an opportunity to meet a great guy

Yes, you need to be open to lots of possibilities. Every time you put a won't-compromise criterion on future partners, you cut your prospects. I remember a conversation I had with an acquaintance in the Seattle area in the late 1980s in which he started out with the estimated gay male population of greater Seattle, then statistically started chipping away at with common criteria someone might have: age range, minimum education level, employed, race/ethnicity(s), single, not obese, or whatever they were, and he concluded with a laugh that maybe ONE or TWO men in the entire metro area would fit all of his criteria.

Keeping open, I have been in five long-term relationships over the past 36 years (some might say six including a long-distance somewhat marginal one), including currently being married for more than 7 years. Each man, and relationship, had its strengths and weaknesses, but none of them were, unlike what jjsurp99 says about gay men, "trash."

 

[Jjsurp99]

Yes, you need to be open to lots of possibilities. Every time you put a won't-compromise criterion on future partners, you cut your prospects. I remember a conversation I had with an acquaintance in the Seattle area in the late 1980s in which he started out with the estimated gay male population of greater Seattle, then statistically started chipping away at with common criteria someone might have: age range, minimum education level, employed, race/ethnicity(s), single, not obese, or whatever they were, and he concluded with a laugh that maybe ONE or TWO men in the entire metro area would fit all of his criteria.

Keeping open, I have been in five long-term relationships over the past 36 years (some might say six including a long-distance somewhat marginal one), including currently being married for more than 7 years. Each man, and relationship, had its strengths and weaknesses, but none of them were, unlike what jjsurp99 says about gay men, "trash."

If you had five long term relationships and they ended the same something seems off

 

[Alex57]

Guys, Grindr and all the other hookup apps isn’t the gay community. You won’t find decent gay men who are relationship-oriented on hookup apps, nor at gay clubs or bars. Also, if you’re one who sleeps around, a relationship oriented gay man isn’t going to be interested in you. Most decent gay men don't put themselves out there because they don't want to deal with the superficial sex sex-obsessed irresponsible immature men. Many gay men are looking for what they aren't. They need to go seek therapy for their traumas.

 

[Burghf_er]

If you had five long term relationships and they ended the same something seems off

"seems," yes. You know nothing about any of them.

 

[Burghf_er]

If you had five long term relationships and they ended the same something seems off

They did not all end the same. Note that the 5th relationship is now a 7+ year current marriage.
(Most gay men seem happy to even have one relationship, from what I've seen. I wonder about the percentage who never have even one. Something seems off.)

 

[Volumen]

Okay, so definitely stop looking at being in a relationship as something you should or should not do like it's a contract or chore. You certainly don't have to do it, but the fact that you're analyzing it this much means you're open to the possibility, more than you realize you are.

If you meet somebody you truly click with, it won't be a question of whether you should or shouldn't do it. You'll simply want to do it, and you can figure things out from there.

To get somewhere in the ballpark of making that happen - meet lots of people. Attend in-person social events designed to bring strangers together around a favorite sport, marathon training, board games, horror movies, bird watching, litter cleanup, or all of the above. If it's a hobby or activity that exists, there are at least several groups centered around it across the boroughs, and chances are at least a couple of them are specifically aimed at queer people.

Go in looking to just meet people, not find a boyfriend. If everyone is an asshole at the event, try again another night. If everyone continues to suck, go find a different event/organization. Again, don't go in with any explicit intentions beyond talking to new people and having a nice time. You could possibly meet a great guy and start dating... or you could make a new friend who eventually introduces you to his best gal pal, who then introduces you to her husband, who introduces you to his gay brother who ends up being a great guy you start dating.

I'm a grumpy homebody asshole, but only because I'm attached and most of my close friends moved away during the pandemic. If I was single I'd be all over the damn city looking to meet as many people as possible; not to actively hunt down my new boyfriend, but just to occupy my time and enjoy myself. Who knows who/what you'll find in doing so. There are A LOT of people here after all, with new people moving in every day.

 

[Jake1973]

Okay, so definitely stop looking at being in a relationship as something you should or should not do like it's a contract or chore. You certainly don't have to do it, but the fact that you're analyzing it this much means you're open to the possibility, more than you realize you are.

If you meet somebody you truly click with, it won't be a question of whether you should or shouldn't do it. You'll simply want to do it, and you can figure things out from there.

To get somewhere in the ballpark of making that happen - meet lots of people. Attend in-person social events designed to bring strangers together around a favorite sport, marathon training, board games, horror movies, bird watching, litter cleanup, or all of the above. If it's a hobby or activity that exists, there are at least several groups centered around it across the boroughs, and chances are at least a couple of them are specifically aimed at queer people.

Go in looking to just meet people, not find a boyfriend. If everyone is an asshole at the event, try again another night. If everyone continues to suck, go find a different event/organization. Again, don't go in with any explicit intentions beyond talking to new people and having a nice time. You could possibly meet a great guy and start dating... or you could make a new friend who eventually introduces you to his best gal pal, who then introduces you to her husband, who introduces you to his gay brother who ends up being a great guy you start dating.

I'm a grumpy homebody asshole, but only because I'm attached and most of my close friends moved away during the pandemic. If I was single I'd be all over the damn city looking to meet as many people as possible; not to actively hunt down my new boyfriend, but just to occupy my time and enjoy myself. Who knows who/what you'll find in doing so. There are A LOT of people here after all, with new people moving in every day.

Agree with this. I was single a long time before I met my current (~20 year) dude. I went out and did the things I enjoyed without scoring stuff based on whether or not I would meet "the one". You are never more attractive than when you are doing the things that bring you joy. You may not meet "the one" but his friend or sister or mother may be there and go home and tell him about you.

 

[stevengrahamq]

I think you’re absolutely on point . I’m not sure relationships in the gay community will ever be a thing again. There of course are those who have already found someone and have a long lasting relationship but at this point I don’t think this new era is gonna birth a lot of new long lasting relationships. It’s going on in every community but it seems to strike the lgbt the worst especially since we don’t have an era where we can recall where we had a large number of gay men who had partners and were married . We fought hard to be able to get married and love but it sucks not too many of us may get the experience of it all.

I'm not sure it is anything new. When I came out, they always said you were dried up at 30. I met a really sweet guy when I was 23 who I know was the guy I was meant to be with but I was moving to Chicago a few weeks after we met. I always had him in my mind and never really gave any one else a shot. I swear that right after I turned thirty, I felt like a troll going out and very few guys looked at me any more. After a few messed up relationships in my twenties with an abuser, a serial cheater, and a married man, I gave up. I am 55 now and basically what is left out there, I don't want, or like OP said, in open relationships. I think many guys are probably like me and just quit the gay lifestyle while still being gay because the chances of finding someone who you are compatible with are pretty slim.

 

[Kinglmao]

I'm not sure it is anything new. When I came out, they always said you were dried up at 30. I met a really sweet guy when I was 23 who I know was the guy I was meant to be with but I was moving to Chicago a few weeks after we met. I always had him in my mind and never really gave any one else a shot. I swear that right after I turned thirty, I felt like a troll going out and very few guys looked at me any more. After a few messed up relationships in my twenties with an abuser, a serial cheater, and a married man, I gave up. I am 55 now and basically what is left out there, I don't want, or like OP said, in open relationships. I think many guys are probably like me and just quit the gay lifestyle while still being gay because the chances of finding someone who you are compatible with are pretty slim.

Ah yes 30 the age a gay goes from whore to mentor lol jk. I realized not too long ago I’m not boyfriend material anyways lmao. As far as intimacy goes I’m definitely not good at it , also I’m very messy and I hate cleaning . And I’m bipolar, and always super busy with shit I gotta do to fix my life . And tbh I don’t think anyone is gonna put up with all that . So imma just take care of my shit , hope to love myself more and if not take sleeping pills when I’m not busy and just sleep my way through life lmao

 

[Jjsurp99]

I'm not sure it is anything new. When I came out, they always said you were dried up at 30. I met a really sweet guy when I was 23 who I know was the guy I was meant to be with but I was moving to Chicago a few weeks after we met. I always had him in my mind and never really gave any one else a shot. I swear that right after I turned thirty, I felt like a troll going out and very few guys looked at me any more. After a few messed up relationships in my twenties with an abuser, a serial cheater, and a married man, I gave up. I am 55 now and basically what is left out there, I don't want, or like OP said, in open relationships. I think many guys are probably like me and just quit the gay lifestyle while still being gay because the chances of finding someone who you are compatible with are pretty slim.

Get a wife have kids be better

 

[gloryholesfbay]

There are so many things I could point to as a factor for why you can't "find" a relationship; from the obvious high criteria of their look or physical fitness instead of character or shared values, to where you might be meeting men. I think people choose the area in which they improve themselves or grow their identity and there are only so many hours in a day outside of work, meals, and recreational time, etc.

If you're spending 5+ hours a week at the gym, that is only improving the superficial appearance of oneself, and not 5+ researching human behavior or how relationships are "built" not found. There are many books and sources of information on how to create relationships, and the common traits found in long-lasting relationships. Dedicate the same amount of time you spend being fit to researching the type of relationship you want -- and you'll learn what YOU need to do to build a relationship which often begins with paying attention to someone without putting your needs first.

 

[Kinglmao]

You know what guys I noticed I’ve never heard any stories about gay men having a healthy relationship with a disabled partner and that makes me sad . It also makes me feel like our community is shallow when it comes to relationships.

 

[pluscachange]

It also makes me feel like our community is shallow when it comes to relationships.

You feel that way because it is.

 

[Jjsurp99]

You know what guys I noticed I’ve never heard any stories about gay men having a healthy relationship with a disabled partner and that makes me sad . It also makes me feel like our community is shallow when it comes to relationships.

That's why straight relationships will be better

 

[Jake1973]

That's why straight relationships will be better

If a person is not attracted to the opposite sex, how are they supposed to have a healthy honest straight relationship?

Gay people have not cornered the market on selfishness, we just tend to resort to the most toxic places to meet each other... get out of the bars, get off the apps. Live in the real world and socialize and be yourself and your chances of meeting another functional human will be higher.

 

[Jjsurp99]

If a person is not attracted to the opposite sex, how are they supposed to have a healthy honest straight relationship?

Gay people have not cornered the market on selfishness, we just tend to resort to the most toxic places to meet each other... get out of the bars, get off the apps. Live in the real world and socialize and be yourself and your chances of meeting another functional human will be higher.

I agree

 

[lostinspace94]

Sounds like we need to work on our community men are trash and so is women

I read something like 1/3 pregnancies are failing the parent test i.e. the father is some other dude 1/3 times. Thats mad.

 

[lostinspace94]

Relationships aren't worth it anymore because people aren't worth it anymore. They can be divided into two groups: leeches and hosts. I've never been a leech and I learned long ago to stop being a host. And I'm better off for it.

Low quality but think they are high quality. This is true for the straight world too according to my friends. The 'skew' is very real.