Is a relationship even worth it anymore? Love seems dead and the gay community seems a mess.

[Big_a_20]

Technology has broadened our horizons and shown us more about ourselves, it is also detrimental to allowing us to build meaningful relationships and truly connect in our communities. When there’s always a choice, people will choose.

 

[Nidonis]

Love the energy.
Fuck God! Find another guy and spitroast him

 

[ILoveGames48]

Sorry it just gets me how people say go to church blah blah blah ..

 

[Nidonis]

Sorry it just gets me how people say go to church blah blah blah ..

Considering how the Church would just burn us at a stake, it seems a pretty normal reaction

 

[Jjsurp99]

Church isn’t the answer.. all I need is some religious assholes telling me I’m living in sin.. that I need to ask for forgiveness and get right with the lord..


You know Christianity wasn’t formed until2200 years ago.. and for a god that didn’t exist until then.. he takes credit for creating heavens and the earth.. man and woman and .. preachers have been preaching about the second coming.. which has yet happen..

Whatever your feelings is with religion point is stop looking for love and start focusing on yourself physically, emotionally, spiritually. This is big problem in gay community only on of these are worked on

 

[ILoveGames48]

Yeah .. my parents are like.. our god is a loving god” and I’m like .. in the Bible and in the movies based on the Bible .. god kills a lot of people .. raining 40 days and 40 nights creating a flood that killed hundreds of people…


And gays have been getting murdered for thousands of years ..for being gay or even acted like were gay

 

[678wsb]

I have just finished about 6 months of therapy, and once again, I'm left with no real answers. As someone good looking/fit/also smart/has my world together I often wonder why I'm chronically single as someone in my 30s now. I am in the US (NY) and notice things are worser here than back home (in Europe) so I'm actually considering moving back next year.

I've done a lot of research over the years, read a bunch of stuff online, know a lot of people who are in / have been in relationships, and generally my findings are:

1. The hottest guys tend to be looking for money/a clone of themselves i.e. become escorts, OF's, working low end side jobs etc. I appreciate the economy etc is becoming difficult, and not everyone has the same opportunities, but I've noticed basically anyone who even remotely gym's is now into all of this, so finding someone fit and in the dating pool is next to non-existent. I'm not against dating someone who does this btw, they tend to want another IG influencer, someone doing the same thing etc, or a sugar daddy though. If you happen to find a hot guy who is on apps, he just wants sex, and even if it progresses a little further there are so many red flags it's not worthwhile. This includes their inability to be intimate / reliance on drugs etc which is very unattractive to me.

2. The normal guys come in a few forms:
a) In a relationship (typically open if they have options) but generally are unhappy/complaining, but unwilling to separate, usually because of economic reasons and/or loneliness reasons. These are 'contractual' relationships e.g. we share rent, or habit based relationships (I don't love you, but I don't have the energy to find someone else) in general.
b) Single but have attachment issues / trauma / poor attitudes / should really be single imo and work on themselves.

There are of course still other overarching issues e.g. white supremacy, guys looking for someone above/clone of themselves (as proven with science, leading to short lived relationships because clones never make good partners), attachment/trauma issues etc which only compound this problem. I kept getting told 'the best are taken' and the 'dating pool has left overs' but I can't believe this to be true ... if the best are taken why is there such a high divorce/seperation rate? Why has couples counselling gone up? Why is depression at an all time high? I also read a paper which said Caucasian people actually are the most depressed vs any other race.

I have probably met a small handful of gay couples who genuinely seem happy, so I know it exists and I'm definitely not pessimistic/being negative, but typically both are much older, not got a lot of other options sexually (no judgement), live in a tiny town away from everyone etc.

Given all of this, I really wonder why I am even putting in effort in trying to find someone, when the odds of it just seem worse than a powerball and the actual satisfaction within a relationship seems very limited. I am struggling to see the point anymore of partnering up, if you are financially stable and have decent friends/connections, and can get laid.

My therapist / couples have listed 'reasons' for a relationship, and I generally don't think any of them hold true (at least for me). For example, a common reason is someone to see you through life. But the data shows that something like 50%+ of gay men above 45 are single. So even if you find someone, the chances of them 'seeing you through life' are minimal. A friend or even a dog probably lasts longer lol.

Another common reason is 'someone to support you when you are sick'. Can't you just get a better health insurance and healthcare? Since we will end up in a home, isn't it better to make $ and afford better healthcare? You have no idea if your partner will be alive even and what if you have something like a stroke where you are needing wheeling around, your partner of 70 yo won't be able to 'support you'.

Another common theme is loneliness/company but I really question this. Happiness comes from inside, you have to develop deeper connections with people in general, not just your partner (many guys I know marry their partner because thats their only friend which is sad). I actually think a friendship that lasts longer is a bigger 'achievement' because its more voluntary than a partner. This is also true for 'emotional needs'. I see a lot of projection, toxicity within relationships etc so I think people need to just chill vs 'needing emotional support'. This is the same for 'having company' when travelling etc... to me that just seems like someone with low self esteem who can't go to places themselves.

Another common theme is 'intimacy' and 'sex is better with the same person'. I strongly disagree with this too. I've had much more intimate hookups (and sometimes even the first time, not even a repeat) even than half the people I speak to in relationships (one of my friends only had sex with his partner once a year and doesn't even enjoy it!). Intimacy is not 'title' or 'time' dependant, it's attitude dependant.

So I'm left wondering what the point of having a relationship in today's society is?

Rambling on but just wanted to put this out there.

I think you’re absolutely on point . I’m not sure relationships in the gay community will ever be a thing again. There of course are those who have already found someone and have a long lasting relationship but at this point I don’t think this new era is gonna birth a lot of new long lasting relationships. It’s going on in every community but it seems to strike the lgbt the worst especially since we don’t have an era where we can recall where we had a large number of gay men who had partners and were married . We fought hard to be able to get married and love but it sucks not too many of us may get the experience of it all.

I'm confused by this. None of this is exclusive to gay relationships. Plenty of this exist in heterosexual ones too.

 

[Jjsurp99]

I'm confused by this. None of this is exclusive to gay relationships. Plenty of this exist in heterosexual ones too.

Heterosexuals actually call out these people while gay community doesn't there's the difference

 

[borg1125]

Technology has broadened our horizons and shown us more about ourselves, it is also detrimental to allowing us to build meaningful relationships and truly connect in our communities. When there’s always a choice, people will choose.

Yep. In the beginning days of the internet we thought it would bring us all together with the free exchange of ideas. The reality is not so much. Worse the dating/hookup apps give the illusion what you want is just a click away. You're simply reduced to age, measurements and race.

I'm sure the alter ego of the creator of Grindr was thinking...

 

[Big_a_20]

Yep. In the beginning days of the internet we thought it would bring us all together with the free exchange of ideas. The reality is not so much. Worse the dating/hookup apps give the illusion what you want is just a click away. You're simply reduced to age, measurements and race.

I'm sure the alter ego of the creator of Grindr was thinking...

View attachment 148135471

The sad thing is that it gives guys this “hope” that there’s another hotter dude 1270 feet away. Even with my cynicism towards technology and what it will turn us all into, I still believe in love. I don’t think we should give up when this is just our challenge as gay men in this generation. Wish we could find a signal or wear something to show other dudes if you’re looking for a relationship. Ideas?

 

[Brodie888]

Something I'd like to add is this: Often love is something that grows as you get to know someone rather than simply opening a door and finding it on your doorstep.

Yes, sexual attraction and chemistry has to be there from the start but I also think some people can be too quick to judge or have too inflexible about what they are looking for.

Nobody is perfect, remember you have faults they will have to accept too. If someone will love you knowing all your faults, then you are way ahead already.

Generally speaking, the more equal you and your partner are in regards to looks, libido, morals, values, education and wealth; the more likely your relationship will last.

So it's important to be realistic about what you are, so you can be realistic about what you want.

 

[Almost40]

Who gives a f**k about gay community/ties???

Do u (still)expect members if the crazy community to treat you as a human being?? And are u expecting to find such behavior within the gay community????

Just show off some abs, put on some top brands clothes and make sure u have on line followers to ensure u are the (stupid) star of the neighborhood....

This is what this rubbish superficial community goes for.

If u want love and devotion try to find it anywhere else outside this community that just swallows anyone who doesn't tick all the gay boxes...

A relationship is worth it if it's with a sane individual. The majority of the " homies" is just f**ked up.
Stay away and keep it together.

A warm hug from the bright side of the world, where weird communities do not infiltrate....

 

[Jjsurp99]

Who gives a f**k about gay community/ties???

Do u (still)expect members if the crazy community to treat you as a human being?? And are u expecting to find such behavior within the gay community????

Just show off some abs, put on some top brands clothes and make sure u have on line followers to ensure u are the (stupid) star of the neighborhood....

This is what this rubbish superficial community goes for.

If u want love and devotion try to find it anywhere else outside this community that just swallows anyone who doesn't tick all the gay boxes...

A relationship is worth it if it's with a sane individual. The majority of the " homies" is just f**ked up.
Stay away and keep it together.

A warm hug from the bright side of the world, where weird communities do not infiltrate....

Exactly

 

[bigboaster]

Exactly

I guess we should give up dating gay men then right? What's the point?

 

[Topher the Gopher]

I agree that New York City presents particular challenges. But idealizing US rural areas is crap. I recently lived for three years in an all-white Midwestern town of about 5,500 people. Hardly anyone talked to me at all for the entire three years unless it was related to their job. (One next door neighbor never said more than "hello"--twice, I think--from 20 yards away.) There's a long list of reasons why LGBTQ young people and lots of other people are fleeing US small towns.

Well, yeah, obviously your mileage will vary depending on where you are. The sticks in Wyoming will be pretty homogenous, but surely you will find something of a mix in some parts of, say, Texas, where plenty of Hispanics live.

 

[pluscachange]

Relationships aren't worth it anymore because people aren't worth it anymore. They can be divided into two groups: leeches and hosts. I've never been a leech and I learned long ago to stop being a host. And I'm better off for it.

 

[Kinglmao]

Well, yeah, obviously your mileage will vary depending on where you are. The sticks in Wyoming will be pretty homogenous, but surely you will find something of a mix in some parts of, say, Texas, where plenty of Hispanics live.

I’m in Texas the men here are trash and it’s very hard to date here

 

[thirsty4dads]

I’m in Texas the men here are trash and it’s very hard to date here

I'm on another continent and it's the same. I feel 90% of the men are in a relationship they only chose to claim they have someone at home, but it's actually all open and everyone fucks around like before. It's frustrating and I stopped dating. Don't know if I start again, but I feel better with myself anyway.

 

[Topher the Gopher]

I dunno. Texas is pretty big. If I can meet decent guys on one island in one of the smallest states, sure there are diamonds to be found on the entire mainland.

I’m in Texas the men here are trash and it’s very hard to date here

 

[Jjsurp99]

Sounds like we need to work on our community men are trash and so is women