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Relationship Advice Needed

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Kktgi, Apr 17, 2021.

  1. Kktgi

    Kktgi Sexy Member

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    Hello everyone was hoping to get some input from non biased folks. I appreciate everyone’s input!

    I’ll try and make this short but can add more details later if needed. I’m 29 family doesn’t know im gay, i met a guy 6 years younger on grindr in 2018. We started dating December 2018 and got engaged in December 2020. At that point i still hadn’t come out to my family but i had for my friends I wanted him to meet. everyone was super supportive about it. I was caught off guard by his proposal, i was under the impression i was going to be the one to propose after thats what my fiancé (we’ll just call him X) had said and once i had told my family etc essentially when i felt ready.

    In late January I discovered he had been messaging other guys on grindr on an old cellphone. I confronted him immediately about it and he said it was a stupid mistake, never actually met anyone etc so I believed him and we continued on with the agreement that we’d talk about sex and things like that. I must say that we had a shake up in april 2020 as he had found an old nude from someone on my instagram messages and he had confronted me about it but I completely flipped the switch and stopped any contact with people i had talk to in that way in the past.

    Flash forward to yesterday April 2021, i had a feeling something was off, my gut/heart told me so (as bad as it is) i had access to his laptop which had his phone messages synced up and indeed i found what i feared.. 2 conversations with explicit and suggestive messages. One of them from early February which is about a week after we started talking again after i found his grindr messages and one from last weekend. This last one had conversations like “want head, yeah, heading over, here etc” whats interesting is that there was no “where do you live text” which makes me wonder if they had met before.

    Not only that but i also discovered he made out with a straight co-worker on a night out (this was during the time in February when I wasn’t speaking to him but we technically were still together) although from the messages i can tell it didn’t happen again but X recently told him he wants to kiss him again.

    Few more details: we dont live together but very close by, he just moved into a new apartment last month, and he’s applying to the airforce not in just yet but very close to it. Which is a whole other conversation.

    so now i ask, what should i do? We’re taking a trip next week and i was thinking of just ending it after we got back. I have photo evidence of the messages. I love him so much and he says the same about me but this hurts a lot. I know im not perfect either and maybe we dont “do it” as much as he’d like but we had agreed to talk about that and instead he looks for that elsewhere.

    Also, i know everything is happening mainly on snapchat which of course I don’t have access to but i can only imagine..

    At this point im ready to end both my engagement and my relationship. I’m tired of the disrespect and being laughed at behind my back. It sad cause we get along great, his family is nice, but I can’t keep dealing with this. Also if he does leave to the airforce what else can I expect from what im seeing now. I’m not ready to leave with him and we’re not seeing eye to eye on that either.

    Thank you everyone!
     
  2. oslo1991

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    This is just my opinion, so obviously take it as you wish but I would end it immediately personally. He’s proven to you he’s not ready for a monogamous relationship, and if that’s what you want then I don’t see a reason to continue

    “cheating” on snap etc is just as bad, in some cases almost worse imo
     
  3. Noah Hart

    Noah Hart Sexy Member

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    Yeah, sorry to say this but fuck that guy. He’s disrespected you countless times not to mention re-entered your life and continued the same selfish behaviour. You deserve better than that, and he deserves the right to find his own path. Your clearly at slightly different stages in life and right now is just not your time. If your meant to be he’ll mature and realise what he’s missing, if not at least your not wasting any more time. Sorry, sounds like a shitty situation.
     
  4. headbang8

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    He proposed, but it sounds as though he’s not ready to make the compromises or commitment necessary to build a life together. It will be heartbreaking, but I’d cut my losses.

    If you’re OK with an open marriage, or a DADT arrangement, you can raise it with him. But I’m not hopeful he has the maturity to keep up his end of the bargain.
     
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  5. Dean_abc

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    Hey. The most important part of a relationship is trust and commitment. X clearly does not want that. I'd break up with him and start over. I know it hurts but some things are better off letting go.

    I can see you're a very committed person and you deserve better.
     
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  6. 10KidsAllBoys

    10KidsAllBoys Loved Member

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    I'm going to have to chime in with everyone else and say that you need to dump him. He had his chance the first time you confronted him. He chose to cheat on you again, multiple times, so now you need to chose to walk away.
     
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  7. biguy1988

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    The trust is gone. It will never return. I know from experience. Let him go and move on.
     
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  8. Kktgi

    Kktgi Sexy Member

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    Hey everyone, i want to thank all of you for your input and advice. I ended things with X last night. He admitted his mistake and respected my decision. We talked about things and won’t be communicating to make this easier on both of us. I cried so much afterwards because i really loved and cared about him. But i know things happen for a reason and that I’ll come out stronger from this.
     
  9. cedarizzo

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    I'm sorry you had to go through all of that. You did the right thing. It will be hard and there will be tears shed but in the end, you are better off. You need to find somebody who is on the same level as you and somebody who can be honest and open with you. Good luck.
     
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  10. Noah Hart

    Noah Hart Sexy Member

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    Its a horrible situation, I’m sure ending things certainly wasn’t the easiest option. But well done for being strong, although it feels shitty right now time heals these kind of wounds. Love isn’t possessive, you can and will find somebody who values you when the time is right.
     
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  11. hzs3fg

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    Admittedly, I'm a mostly straight but bi-curious guy.

    Having said that, it's always been my view that the gay world and monogamy/fidelity don't really fit together very well or very often.
     
  12. DavidAlmeria

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    Let him cheat. You play around too. Simple
     
  13. canadian_guy486

    canadian_guy486 Legendary Member

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    I’m sorry to hear that, but it’s probably for the best. Not only was he disrespecting you by continuing to message other guys behind your back, but if he was hooking up with other guys and not telling you, he was putting your health and life at risk. He could have caught something and then given it to you if you had unprotected sex (since you assumed you were monogamous etc). He sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do, so you are better off and will find someone new. I would suggest maybe not using Grindr, but instead an actual dating app where there’s not so many fuck boys who will break your heart. Good luck!
     
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