I’m suddenly besties with a straight guy and my gaydar is pinging…

[Murdoch1912]

Must sound like a broken record with this. I posted in on reddit a few days ago for advice and WOW. First and last time going on there. Cut-throat. (Please be gentle!)

“Gay guy here. So last year I added a straight guy on Facebook who I saw at a friend’s wedding a few days earlier. Totally random and pretty weird of me actually. I messaged him drunk one night “You’re hot!” and he was surprisingly chatty after. This lasted for several months. We chatted quite a lot, maybe once or twice every few weeks. Then one day I had a feeling he’d broken up with his girlfriend, and when I put my feelers out he confirmed it.

Within months we were chatting more and more. We eventually properly met at a barbecue and were both super shy/awkward around each other and actually barely talked. But within ten minutes of me leaving, he messaged me. Anyway we continued talking like normal. And then spot on Valentine’s Day he sent a Snapchat response to my story with his emoji in a giant love heart. Bit of a coincidence being the big love day and all.

He has been going through a hard time with his breakup, which is totally fair. Apparently his sister had committed the ending act a year before, too.

I’ve always suspected he’s only talking to me for an ego boost. But literally since Valentine’s Day we started messaging each other… EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

Then bam. Two weeks ago his replies go super short. It suddenly becomes me carrying on the conversation more than it had been (often he’d message me first if I didn’t reply for a while).

Now… at no point during all of this has anything ever been mentioned of him being anything other than straight. He has maintained he is straight this entire time and I have not questioned that out loud. Nor do I hold onto hope or anything. He constantly randomly says how much he can’t wait to go out and get p**sy, which I laugh at in response but always think is an odd thing to say.

Usually I fall hard for straight guys (seems to be a gay guy curse), so I could only assume I was attracted to this guy initially because of that same curse. But then we started chatting and we became friends, so in that aspect this really hurts tbh.

He still responds when I ask him things but he is nowhere near as chatty as before. There’s an evident difference.

I’ve decided to let it go and wait to see how long until he messages me/if he does ever again. But damn… I was really enjoying our lengthy chats. I wonder what happened? Do you think I said something that spooked him out suddenly? He’s been so chill about my being gay and saying I thought he was stunning at first. But I was never infatuated to the point it had affected my life, for instance I go on dates and talk to actual gay guys, but it’s still not nice when someone who’ve been chatty with suddenly doesn’t respond the same.
Any advice on what it could be?”

Update since I wrote this: I asked him if everything was okay/if I’d done something to offend him and he was quick to assure me it wasn’t me. He’s sort of gone back to initiating conversations again, but I’m a bit slower to respond now… Yesterday out of nowhere he sent me a photo of him on a train somewhere, then wrote in the chat: “Hopefully I can get some female attention tonight.” (Who talks like that?)

 

[matelalique]

I think you answered your own question - you are a gay man who is attracted to straight men and therefore seek them as friends, and are disappointed when they don't escalate the friendship because unlike you they were not looking for dick. He is still talking to you so you haven't completely freaked him out.

But it sounds like the desire for some female attention is real, and not just something to wind you up.

It also sounds like you have a good potential friendship with a genuinely straight dude who enjoys the company and conversation with a gay dude. Don't fuck that up.

He has his life and you have yours and you both get to choose how much to contribute to the friendship. Enjoy what you have.

If he wants to experiment, he will let you know.

 

[Murdoch1912]

I think you answered your own question - you are a gay man who is attracted to straight men and therefore seek them as friends, and are disappointed when they don't escalate the friendship because unlike you they were not looking for dick. He is still talking to you so you haven't completely freaked him out.

But it sounds like the desire for some female attention is real, and not just something to wind you up.

It also sounds like you have a good potential friendship with a genuinely straight dude who enjoys the company and conversation with a gay dude. Don't fuck that up.

He has his life and you have yours and you both get to choose how much to contribute to the friendship. Enjoy what you have.

If he wants to experiment, he will let you know.

Thank you, I 100% agree with you. I think I just needed that confirmation from another person.

 

[matelalique]

Thank you, I 100% agree with you. I think I just needed that confirmation from another person.

I hesitate to respond with a heart emoji for fear that you might think we are in a relationship

Flirting (or being overly friendly) with straight boys is fraught with hazard. You might find a diamond in the rough who has been waiting for the right gay to come out to, some are flattered by the attention, many more will say "why is this dude talking to me like I talk to girls I want to get drunk and then fuck - omg he wants to get me drunk and then fuck me". And then you've lost the friendship too.

 

[Murdoch1912]

I hesitate to respond with a heart emoji for fear that you might think we are in a relationship

Hahaha. It’s okay, it’s not Valentine’s Day today
Yeah it’s a scary place to manoeuvre around. My initial assumption was boy or girl, being told you’re hot is always flattering. I could’ve just been a stroke to his ego.

 

[Sagittarius84]

I think you're accurately seeing the thought process behind straight men that are averse to gay men, very similarly to straight women that are reluctant to befriend straight men, because it almost always gets perceived as some underlying sexual interest. My guess is the initial backing off was him reassessing how his initial reactions may have led you to think something about him, and now he doesn't want to be perceived as a homophobe or bigot.
Also his reception to your, "You're Hot" may have had more to do with how he thought your preference and standards would translate into the preferences of women(common societal perception is that gay men tend to be extremely picky as to whom they express physical attraction to), and is prone to be quickly backed out on, when said preselection doesn't occur amongst women as he thought it would

 

[Murdoch1912]

^^ Always a possibility.
Two things that haunt me about this, maybe the only reasons I can’t just shake this off.
1. His close friends have embraced me and always ask me how it’s going with him. It’s like they’re nurturing a sensitive topic. Unless he’s got Asperger’s or is special in some other way, I am not sure why they do this.
2. This exact situation actually happened to me a few years ago. I told a guy I liked him and was surprised when he came back with “flattered,
but straight.” Then within 3 or 4 months we started hanging out multiple times a week, until he ended up seducing ME, sleeping with me and then going on a few dates with me. Didn’t work out, as I eventually cottoned on that he was not ready to be out/date officially, which I totally get. We’re still friends. But I’d suspected the whole time that he was afraid/in the closet. I didn’t push it ONCE, was just there hanging out with him until he made a move one day.

Maybe it’s because of my past situations that I’m like this. It’s hard because you can only like who you like, regardless of their own circumstances. Sucks balls.

 

[ILoveGames48]

The gaydar is always pinging.. especially with a man just broke up with girlfriend.. you think of yourself as the person that can make him feel better by offering him sexual gratification..


Turn your gaydar off unless you think your dick is more important than your friendship

 

[Murdoch1912]

The gaydar is always pinging.. especially with a man just broke up with girlfriend.. you think of yourself as the person that can make him feel better by offering him sexual gratification..


Turn your gaydar off unless you think your dick is more important than your friendship

I’m more of a romantic type than a quick fuck type personally, but yes I agree, the same rules apply. This too shall pass. Think I just needed to vent somewhere!

 

[wiandup]

Must sound like a broken record with this. I posted in on reddit a few days ago for advice and WOW. First and last time going on there. Cut-throat. (Please be gentle!)

“Gay guy here. So last year I added a straight guy on Facebook who I saw at a friend’s wedding a few days earlier. Totally random and pretty weird of me actually. I messaged him drunk one night “You’re hot!” and he was surprisingly chatty after. This lasted for several months. We chatted quite a lot, maybe once or twice every few weeks. Then one day I had a feeling he’d broken up with his girlfriend, and when I put my feelers out he confirmed it.

Within months we were chatting more and more. We eventually properly met at a barbecue and were both super shy/awkward around each other and actually barely talked. But within ten minutes of me leaving, he messaged me. Anyway we continued talking like normal. And then spot on Valentine’s Day he sent a Snapchat response to my story with his emoji in a giant love heart. Bit of a coincidence being the big love day and all.

He has been going through a hard time with his breakup, which is totally fair. Apparently his sister had committed the ending act a year before, too.

I’ve always suspected he’s only talking to me for an ego boost. But literally since Valentine’s Day we started messaging each other… EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

Then bam. Two weeks ago his replies go super short. It suddenly becomes me carrying on the conversation more than it had been (often he’d message me first if I didn’t reply for a while).

Now… at no point during all of this has anything ever been mentioned of him being anything other than straight. He has maintained he is straight this entire time and I have not questioned that out loud. Nor do I hold onto hope or anything. He constantly randomly says how much he can’t wait to go out and get p**sy, which I laugh at in response but always think is an odd thing to say.

Usually I fall hard for straight guys (seems to be a gay guy curse), so I could only assume I was attracted to this guy initially because of that same curse. But then we started chatting and we became friends, so in that aspect this really hurts tbh.

He still responds when I ask him things but he is nowhere near as chatty as before. There’s an evident difference.

I’ve decided to let it go and wait to see how long until he messages me/if he does ever again. But damn… I was really enjoying our lengthy chats. I wonder what happened? Do you think I said something that spooked him out suddenly? He’s been so chill about my being gay and saying I thought he was stunning at first. But I was never infatuated to the point it had affected my life, for instance I go on dates and talk to actual gay guys, but it’s still not nice when someone who’ve been chatty with suddenly doesn’t respond the same.
Any advice on what it could be?”

Update since I wrote this: I asked him if everything was okay/if I’d done something to offend him and he was quick to assure me it wasn’t me. He’s sort of gone back to initiating conversations again, but I’m a bit slower to respond now… Yesterday out of nowhere he sent me a photo of him on a train somewhere, then wrote in the chat: “Hopefully I can get some female attention tonight.” (Who talks like that?)

Protect your heart. Run away

 

[heinz.friedrich]

Any advice on what it could be?

The gaydar is always pinging.. especially with a man just broke up with girlfriend.. you think of yourself as the person that can make him feel better by offering him sexual gratification..


Turn your gaydar off unless you think your dick is more important than your friendship

Yes he could be gay but it could also be projection. Loving people see everywhere love and kind people see everywhere kindness.

The same is true with other characteristics. You see gayness in more people because you are gay. But that does not mean he is not gay just that there is always a bias in every characteristic that you have in yourself.

 

[ILoveGames48]

We as people see what we want to see.. we see a guy .. straight .. looking at us and our thoughts begi g to go wild in our minds ..

Just like a man when sees a woman and think she’s looking at him like she’s saying she wants him.. but she doesn’t..

Now I’ve had straight friends ask me when I decided to like men and dick.. and I said always.. and they’d ask questions what I like doing with a guy when I am with one ..

But that doesn’t mean they want sex it just means they are curious..

But then also a few do a few of those things with me as their curiousity becomes more than curiosity

 

[KingMinion]

Oh man I feel for you. You sound just like me lol always pinning for the unattainable but delusional enough to trick yourself into thinking it’s possible lol I mean that in the nice, self deprecating way lol. I’ve been there and reading this just brings back all those times lol I would say avoid doing that but we both know we will do it again lol hang in there bud

 

[Murdoch1912]

What do you guys take from him sending me a giant love heart Snapchat bitmoji on Valentine’s Day though? Not normal…

 

[Sagittarius84]

What do you guys take from him sending me a giant love heart Snapchat bitmoji on Valentine’s Day though? Not normal…

I think that even though it may mitigate the number of desirable sexual opportunities afforded to you, you'd be in a much better mind space if you only concerned yourself with the possible intentions of men that make it clear they are gay/ bisexual, and stop trying to navigate your way through the haze of purported and questionable heterosexuality. If they're not "out" you shouldn't be in by default.

 

[bigboaster]

Amen

I think that even though it may mitigate the number of desirable sexual opportunities afforded to you, you'd be in a much better mind space if you only concerned yourself with the possible intentions of men that make it clear they are gay/ bisexual, and stop trying to navigate your way through the haze of purported and questionable heterosexuality. If they're not "out" you shouldn't be in by default.

 

[Lord_of_Goon]

OP. Can I ask what it is that is the thing for you about falling for straight guys? The curse as you call it. Are you a top and have the idea of “conquering” or what?

 

[Brian74]

Wow.

Fwiw, I think @matelalique read and advised you on the situation perfectly.

I’d like to, respectfully, delve a little more into the friend’s behaviors that you read into as flirty because I didn’t see them that way at all.

I have a number of buddies, all of whom are straight, some married some divorced(like me) and some just out here single and mingling and I have seen and heard a lot.

The way your friendship started was perfectly platonic. So you gave him a compliment and he didn’t recoil. Big deal. There are tons of straight men who love to be admired and don’t mind the occasional compliment from another guy. This site is a prima facie example of that.

Now in my circle, we don’t come out and say these things. But it could be more like a jab. Such as, I see my buddy and he’s going to a wedding so he’s suited up, all spit-shined and polished. In my mind, I know he looks quite handsome. But I might actually say something goofy like asking him if he shaved his balls too. Or ask him if he’s going to try and catch the bouquet. In my mind and on some level we both know I just told him he looks good, but it ends there.

As to your friend talking about the need to get some pussy? Totally normal if not expected behavior. If I have more than a 10 minute convo with one of my buds about anything, you can believe pussy or a comment about a woman they want to fuck or used to fuck or are trying very hard to fuck really soon -is going to ensue. And don’t get me started on the text pics/memes/gifs of women/pussy all the time. My married buddy that follows Islam is currently fasting for Ramadan. Every day since it started I get about 3-4 pussy related memes after sundown lol. Hell, I don’t really feel I am good friends until we’ve started talking about pussy or fucking. lol.

As to him calling more/less often, this again is very normal. I have buds that I have been cool with for years and our interactions have been quite variable. At times we have texted or talked several times a day in a week about nothing at all, just events of the day, work, life and oh yea, pussy. It’s just bound to come up at some point. And then, with no rhyme or reason we may go weeks without any communication. Eventually, one of us will send the other a funny meme or some thing happens in the news and we are back to daily chats again. But the friendship just keeps going like that.

And beyond the sexy talk, sometimes my buddies just want to talk. To another man. Not because it’s sexual and not because he’s lonely but just because there’s something very comforting about having a bud you just connect with like when you were young and life wasn’t as laden with responsibilities and stress. That’s how I feel when I’m immersed in any of the aforementioned activities/conversations with my buds.

And that would be my recommendation for you. Stop trying to imbue something romantic into a situation that appears completely platonic. It appears you have made a straight friend that knows you’re gay, realizes you think he’s attractive and he’s still ok with it. In fact, I would argue there is a part of him that probably likes having a friend that thinks he’s attractive.

But there is a precarity to the invisible line I believe you need to toe. If he is truly a good-looking man(and I don’t doubt he is) then he is likely also used to being admired a bit by both men and women. But casual admiration from a man is a far cry from being actively flirted with or even lightly pursued.

Sounds to me like you care about this guy. If you can quell those romantic feelings you might just be embarking on a really good friendship.

 

[opinionman]

Must sound like a broken record with this. I posted in on reddit a few days ago for advice and WOW. First and last time going on there. Cut-throat. (Please be gentle!)

“Gay guy here. So last year I added a straight guy on Facebook who I saw at a friend’s wedding a few days earlier. Totally random and pretty weird of me actually. I messaged him drunk one night “You’re hot!” and he was surprisingly chatty after. This lasted for several months. We chatted quite a lot, maybe once or twice every few weeks. Then one day I had a feeling he’d broken up with his girlfriend, and when I put my feelers out he confirmed it.

Within months we were chatting more and more. We eventually properly met at a barbecue and were both super shy/awkward around each other and actually barely talked. But within ten minutes of me leaving, he messaged me. Anyway we continued talking like normal. And then spot on Valentine’s Day he sent a Snapchat response to my story with his emoji in a giant love heart. Bit of a coincidence being the big love day and all.

He has been going through a hard time with his breakup, which is totally fair. Apparently his sister had committed the ending act a year before, too.

I’ve always suspected he’s only talking to me for an ego boost. But literally since Valentine’s Day we started messaging each other… EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

Then bam. Two weeks ago his replies go super short. It suddenly becomes me carrying on the conversation more than it had been (often he’d message me first if I didn’t reply for a while).

Now… at no point during all of this has anything ever been mentioned of him being anything other than straight. He has maintained he is straight this entire time and I have not questioned that out loud. Nor do I hold onto hope or anything. He constantly randomly says how much he can’t wait to go out and get p**sy, which I laugh at in response but always think is an odd thing to say.

Usually I fall hard for straight guys (seems to be a gay guy curse), so I could only assume I was attracted to this guy initially because of that same curse. But then we started chatting and we became friends, so in that aspect this really hurts tbh.

He still responds when I ask him things but he is nowhere near as chatty as before. There’s an evident difference.

I’ve decided to let it go and wait to see how long until he messages me/if he does ever again. But damn… I was really enjoying our lengthy chats. I wonder what happened? Do you think I said something that spooked him out suddenly? He’s been so chill about my being gay and saying I thought he was stunning at first. But I was never infatuated to the point it had affected my life, for instance I go on dates and talk to actual gay guys, but it’s still not nice when someone who’ve been chatty with suddenly doesn’t respond the same.
Any advice on what it could be?”

Update since I wrote this: I asked him if everything was okay/if I’d done something to offend him and he was quick to assure me it wasn’t me. He’s sort of gone back to initiating conversations again, but I’m a bit slower to respond now… Yesterday out of nowhere he sent me a photo of him on a train somewhere, then wrote in the chat: “Hopefully I can get some female attention tonight.” (Who talks like that?)

A lot of guys talk like that, including the rather odd word "female." I hung out with a dude who was about to go into the army, and when my friends and I were driving around like dummies, this dude said, "Gentlemen, we need to get us some females." That sounded lame but he did say it, and certainly "getting some pussy" is a standard phrase.
I don't believe in gaydar.

 

[FrankieGuile]

Must sound like a broken record with this. I posted in on reddit a few days ago for advice and WOW. First and last time going on there. Cut-throat. (Please be gentle!)

“Gay guy here. So last year I added a straight guy on Facebook who I saw at a friend’s wedding a few days earlier. Totally random and pretty weird of me actually. I messaged him drunk one night “You’re hot!” and he was surprisingly chatty after. This lasted for several months. We chatted quite a lot, maybe once or twice every few weeks. Then one day I had a feeling he’d broken up with his girlfriend, and when I put my feelers out he confirmed it.

Within months we were chatting more and more. We eventually properly met at a barbecue and were both super shy/awkward around each other and actually barely talked. But within ten minutes of me leaving, he messaged me. Anyway we continued talking like normal. And then spot on Valentine’s Day he sent a Snapchat response to my story with his emoji in a giant love heart. Bit of a coincidence being the big love day and all.

He has been going through a hard time with his breakup, which is totally fair. Apparently his sister had committed the ending act a year before, too.

I’ve always suspected he’s only talking to me for an ego boost. But literally since Valentine’s Day we started messaging each other… EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

Then bam. Two weeks ago his replies go super short. It suddenly becomes me carrying on the conversation more than it had been (often he’d message me first if I didn’t reply for a while).

Now… at no point during all of this has anything ever been mentioned of him being anything other than straight. He has maintained he is straight this entire time and I have not questioned that out loud. Nor do I hold onto hope or anything. He constantly randomly says how much he can’t wait to go out and get p**sy, which I laugh at in response but always think is an odd thing to say.

Usually I fall hard for straight guys (seems to be a gay guy curse), so I could only assume I was attracted to this guy initially because of that same curse. But then we started chatting and we became friends, so in that aspect this really hurts tbh.

He still responds when I ask him things but he is nowhere near as chatty as before. There’s an evident difference.

I’ve decided to let it go and wait to see how long until he messages me/if he does ever again. But damn… I was really enjoying our lengthy chats. I wonder what happened? Do you think I said something that spooked him out suddenly? He’s been so chill about my being gay and saying I thought he was stunning at first. But I was never infatuated to the point it had affected my life, for instance I go on dates and talk to actual gay guys, but it’s still not nice when someone who’ve been chatty with suddenly doesn’t respond the same.
Any advice on what it could be?”

Update since I wrote this: I asked him if everything was okay/if I’d done something to offend him and he was quick to assure me it wasn’t me. He’s sort of gone back to initiating conversations again, but I’m a bit slower to respond now… Yesterday out of nowhere he sent me a photo of him on a train somewhere, then wrote in the chat: “Hopefully I can get some female attention tonight.” (Who talks like that?)

Your post is rife with doubt regarding his behavior and stated sexual preference, which might be part of your concern over the matter -- you're wishing for too much. But I'll leave that aside because it is speculation on my part and reading between the lines can lead to misinterpretations.

So, I'll say this: 1) He's straight and you should respect his word on it and note his behavior has been consistent with being straight. 2) You're not going to change the fact that he's straight. 3) Few relationships last a significant time and most simply run their course -- sometimes it's a long course and sometimes it's a short course.

You may not like the notion this relationship is likely a short-lived one, but that outcome does not make him "not nice." It may simply mean that he is done with the relationship even though you are not. When such a dynamic exists, the relationship has seen its end.