Is there a gay dating hierarchy? Where do I fit?

[deleted19462351]

I hope I caused no offense - assuming ur a yank y'all are a bit sensitive when is comes to talking about race and ethnicity. They say racism is more "covert" in the UK which may be true, but our warmth is overt enough to transcend barriers around what constitutes reasonable language (within reason, of course). For example, I had an American acquaintance scold me for using the word "oriental" cos when we say Asian we inevitably mean Indian, PAkistani, SE, etc. Apparently it's a racist term?

I live in Spain.

 

[Jeffer2580]

Everyone should learn how to widen their horizons, @lostinspace94 broaden your preferences, it's not that you can't find someone,you can't find someone to tick your boxes

 

[Graham123]

As they say folks, “always remember you’re braver than you believe, stronger then you seem, smarter than you think and twice as beautiful as you’ve ever imagined.”

 

[Sexy123789]

Nice one, I tick all those budy except maybe for kinky ... that all depends upon the chemistry and, despite my stature and inevitably (97ish% of the time) playing the more "dominant" role, I get super filthy being with a guy who ignores my size and takes control. Super Hot!!!! And I'm not talking top or bottom here, more sexual aggression (in a "healthy" way). And I LOVE a super dirty talker!!!!

Same. I like someone that narrates what they are thinking. I like the Napoleon complex on shorter fellas.

 

[ILoveGames48]

I want to say this comment you posted in your first post here

“”””I spoke to a few more therapists who said there is unfortunately a gay hierarchy in dating. White at the top, then white passing (e.g. latinos), black, east asian and then south asian.”””””


I want to say that I am sorry for your therapist saying this to you.. to say that your race/ skin color is at the bottom of the list is wrong.. and if I had him as a therapist ( or her) I would have told them how fucked up that was for them to say that..
Comments like that aren’t helping you but hurting you and he should been reported for basicly making a racist comment like that

 

[ahaahahahaa]

I want to say this comment you posted in your first post here

“”””I spoke to a few more therapists who said there is unfortunately a gay hierarchy in dating. White at the top, then white passing (e.g. latinos), black, east asian and then south asian.”””””


I want to say that I am sorry for your therapist saying this to you.. to say that your race/ skin color is at the bottom of the list is wrong.. and if I had him as a therapist ( or her) I would have told them how fucked up that was for them to say that..
Comments like that aren’t helping you but hurting you and he should been reported for basicly making a racist comment like that

To be fair there's a lot of data from dating sites and from research to back this up. Maybe the therapist shouldnt have said that but he was not wrong.

 

[geordie-bloke]

I want to say this comment you posted in your first post here

“”””I spoke to a few more therapists who said there is unfortunately a gay hierarchy in dating. White at the top, then white passing (e.g. latinos), black, east asian and then south asian.”””””


I want to say that I am sorry for your therapist saying this to you.. to say that your race/ skin color is at the bottom of the list is wrong.. and if I had him as a therapist ( or her) I would have told them how fucked up that was for them to say that..
Comments like that aren’t helping you but hurting you and he should been reported for basicly making a racist comment like that

Whats worse is he said "a few"...

 

[geordie-bloke]

Same. I like someone that narrates what they are thinking. I like the Napoleon complex on shorter fellas.

Lol kinda but Napolean suggests insecurity ... let's use the David and Goliath analogy ;-)

 

[geordie-bloke]

I live in Spain.

Oh bloody hell now that's a different scenario altogether from what I've heard about them at football matches. Our hooligans may be more psychotic but they practice equal opportunities in who they attack!! I say "what I've heard" since like most Brits my actual experience is limited to the likes of Sitges, Ibiza and the Canaries! For shame!

 

[ILoveGames48]

I am so sick of people saying there’s enough data to prove this and that..


If I went out asked 1000 people their sexually preference .. and I get .. 300 gay 600 straight and 100 bisexual.. there’s no way to prove that the 600 that say they were straight told the truth.. so this data isn’t 100 percent valid

 

[Cum_is_Great]

I am so sick of people saying there’s enough data to prove this and that..


If I went out asked 1000 people their sexually preference .. and I get .. 300 gay 600 straight and 100 bisexual.. there’s no way to prove that the 600 that say they were straight told the truth.. so this data isn’t 100 percent valid

I get what you're saying but it isnt people asking for these answers. Its researchers looking at data from matches on Tinder, other dating apps. It's information people put in profiles and what they are looking for in another. It's what people say as well, yes.

Its all very obvious and observable. No one is saying it is a hard rule. But its there. The ability to deny it or act like it doesnt exist is purely only possible if you haven't been experiencing the blunt end of the stick over and over all your life.

People want to deny that others treat people unfairly for a variety of reasons. It ruins their image of a "just world".

 

[ahaahahahaa]

I am so sick of people saying there’s enough data to prove this and that..


If I went out asked 1000 people their sexually preference .. and I get .. 300 gay 600 straight and 100 bisexual.. there’s no way to prove that the 600 that say they were straight told the truth.. so this data isn’t 100 percent valid

Babe no one is asking 1000 people, they're compiling millions of data from tinder, hinge, okcupid and other apps plus academic research together with complaints from grindr and other apps where minorities feel discriminated.

 

[lostinspace94]

I have been doing some self-reflection and I wanted to share my new thoughts.

I think there *is* a hierarchy when we are looking superficially. I don't think that is just colour though. That can be on height, dick size, any 'attribute' basically. It depends on the "need" of the person and then you ranking will change depending on what they are trying to source. For example, if they simply want something new and exotic, I am probably right at the top. If they can only orgasm with a 10" dick, however the guy looks / whatever height / body / colour etc, someone else will be at the top. And so on. But this is all just surface level stuff.

I think there *isn't* a hierarchy when it comes to actual connection and love. Someone who is interested in *you* will overlook the other things.

So I think I was thinking about things wrong. If I just want to hookup, I pick superficially, and should expect someone to superficially pick me back. If I want something longer term, I need to go find an actual connection and then other things will fall into place.

 

[Cum_is_Great]

I have been doing some self-reflection and I wanted to share my new thoughts.

I think there *is* a hierarchy when we are looking superficially. I don't think that is just colour though. That can be on height, dick size, any 'attribute' basically. It depends on the "need" of the person and then you ranking will change depending on what they are trying to source. For example, if they simply want something new and exotic, I am probably right at the top. If they can only orgasm with a 10" dick, however the guy looks / whatever height / body / colour etc, someone else will be at the top. And so on. But this is all just surface level stuff.

I think there *isn't* a hierarchy when it comes to actual connection and love. Someone who is interested in *you* will overlook the other things.

So I think I was thinking about things wrong. If I just want to hookup, I pick superficially, and should expect someone to superficially pick me back. If I want something longer term, I need to go find an actual connection and then other things will fall into place.

Yup, exactly! Now realize that gay men fuck first then get to know you deeper and less superficially later and well... it's a bit of an uphill battle haha.

 

[geordie-bloke]

I have been doing some self-reflection and I wanted to share my new thoughts.

I think there *is* a hierarchy when we are looking superficially. I don't think that is just colour though. That can be on height, dick size, any 'attribute' basically. It depends on the "need" of the person and then you ranking will change depending on what they are trying to source. For example, if they simply want something new and exotic, I am probably right at the top. If they can only orgasm with a 10" dick, however the guy looks / whatever height / body / colour etc, someone else will be at the top. And so on. But this is all just surface level stuff.

I think there *isn't* a hierarchy when it comes to actual connection and love. Someone who is interested in *you* will overlook the other things.

So I think I was thinking about things wrong. If I just want to hookup, I pick superficially, and should expect someone to superficially pick me back. If I want something longer term, I need to go find an actual connection and then other things will fall into place.

Finally, you struck gold. Just don't go looking for authenticity in superficial places and it'll all be good.

 

[lostinspace94]

Yup, exactly! Now realize that gay men fuck first then get to know you deeper and less superficially later and well... it's a bit of an uphill battle haha.

Yup and that is also okay. I just need to open myself up to a wider variety of men and experiences and I think the right one will stick. I will keep going.

 

[lostinspace94]

Finally, you struck gold. Just don't go looking for authenticity in superficial places and it'll all be good.

The hard part is knowing what kinda guy would actually be interested in "me" (beyond physically). I think that was the actual question I was trying to ask with this thread, and it came out wrong i.e. race focused.

 

[geordie-bloke]

The hard part is knowing what kinda guy would actually be interested in "me" (beyond physically). I think that was the actual question I was trying to ask with this thread, and it came out wrong i.e. race focused.

All that matters is if you like him, smile, charm him, and u either make a good mate or he might be a dick in which case good riddance! Just don't grab his arse asa an intro u know?

And you know they're a keeper when they ask questions about you that you always dreamed somebody would.

 

[Cum_is_Great]

The hard part is knowing what kinda guy would actually be interested in "me" (beyond physically). I think that was the actual question I was trying to ask with this thread, and it came out wrong i.e. race focused.

Just remember, not everyone looks like you! The type of guy who may be into you may also be intimidated by you as well. Because as we established, there IS a hierarchy, and you're among the top. So someone like myself who cpuld potentially be a perfect match for connection and love would never try and talk to you because of the hierarchy. "Stay in your lane." As people say. "Relationships are best when both are on a similar level in looks" is something I also hear. Of course there are exceptions. There are no rules. But if gay men fuck first then get to know you deeper later, then the unfuckables like myself rarely meet anyone haha

 

[MarkieMan]

Interesting discussion. I will try to give an older gay’s perspective on this, although I wonder how relevant it is now that dating has changed so much with social media apps.

I had a good circle of gay friends in London in my mid 20s. My first point is that very few of us ended up with our long-term partners until we were at least in our early or mid 30s. So don’t panic when you are still young!

And there is some truth to that phrase “you’re not ready“ even if you just can’t see it at the time. I desperately wanted a long-term boyfriend when I was in my 20s, but looking back I really wasn’t ready. I hadn’t yet really established in my own mind who I really was. I think we keep growing an awful lot in our 20s Even if we don’t know that it’s happening.

There is, of course, a hierarchy of looks in gay culture, as there is in heterosexual culture, although probably gays are even more influenced by looks and muscles.

I remember visiting Fire Island in the 90s and thinking the hierarchy in the USA around muscles was even stricter there than in London.

Class probably still plays an outsized role in the UK. I am white, middle to upper-middle class, tall, relatively good looking (or was!), with a professional job and a friends group who almost exactly matched that too. Reading the comments here, I think I probably didn’t acknowledge my privileges when I was younger. All that means is that I’m not really qualified to advise on people who are in a different class or race situation. But I do think there are those almost silent class barriers that can be difficult to overcome in the UK.

But I also think that luck plays a much larger part in our life than many of us are willing to accept, particularly in terms of meeting “the right one”. I honestly think you can be unlucky for quite a long time. Try not to beat yourself up about it. But also remember that fortune favours the prepared.