Interesting discussion. I will try to give an older gay’s perspective on this, although I wonder how relevant it is now that dating has changed so much with social media apps.
I had a good circle of gay friends in London in my mid 20s. My first point is that very few of us ended up with our long-term partners until we were at least in our early or mid 30s. So don’t panic when you are still young!
And there is some truth to that phrase “you’re not ready“ even if you just can’t see it at the time. I desperately wanted a long-term boyfriend when I was in my 20s, but looking back I really wasn’t ready. I hadn’t yet really established in my own mind who I really was. I think we keep growing an awful lot in our 20s Even if we don’t know that it’s happening.
There is, of course, a hierarchy of looks in gay culture, as there is in heterosexual culture, although probably gays are even more influenced by looks and muscles.
I remember visiting Fire Island in the 90s and thinking the hierarchy in the USA around muscles was even stricter there than in London.
Class probably still plays an outsized role in the UK. I am white, middle to upper-middle class, tall, relatively good looking (or was!), with a professional job and a friends group who almost exactly matched that too. Reading the comments here, I think I probably didn’t acknowledge my privileges when I was younger. All that means is that I’m not really qualified to advise on people who are in a different class or race situation. But I do think there are those almost silent class barriers that can be difficult to overcome in the UK.
But I also think that luck plays a much larger part in our life than many of us are willing to accept, particularly in terms of meeting “the right one”. I honestly think you can be unlucky for quite a long time. Try not to beat yourself up about it. But also remember that fortune favours the prepared.