Is there a gay dating hierarchy? Where do I fit?

[ariesgeorge]

I don't like to blame/externalise too much, but focus on what I can do / control.

What I noticed (even in therapy) (and maybe this is too deep for a forum lol) but I was a top only. Being a POC and a top only, means I attracted a certain type of guy. Sure, we could have fun, but it was just that, and generally I was not left that satisfied.

When I started bottoming / becoming vers (willingly lol), my experience changed, not because something changed about me but because the men pool I engaged with opened up and included 'more'. I'm sure there is still fetishisation but I think its less somewhat because the pool of men that 'source' me changed.

If you look at systemic racism, the 'white' needs to be 'more powerful'. So in a straight relationship, a white man with a black woman is fine, but not the other way (except for porn). What I notice is when I am vers/bottom there is a somewhat power dynamic the 'top' can now have (there is still something about being penetrated that is seen as 'weaker' vs penetrating) which actually works in my favour despite my skin colour.

Hopefully one day you and all people will be able to judge your partner based on what they bring to you and nothing else. All that nonsense is such a waste of time. I'm mostly top but I think it's ridiculous to consider bottoms as weaker or less than. Taking dick requires strength and skill lmao.

 

[lostinspace94]

Hopefully one day you and all people will be able to judge your partner based on what they bring to you and nothing else. All that nonsense is such a waste of time. I'm mostly top but I think it's ridiculous to consider bottoms as weaker or less than. Taking dick requires strength and skill lmao.

I think most people do look at those other things more long term and colour and other things matter less and less. Given how flakey, transient and superficial a lot of the initial connections are though, its easy to miss quality, even if it is literally in your face. That said, that is in the 'long game' of things and relies on the opportunities that present (e.g. you could be 'friends' with someone for years, but they still may not see you or want you as a partner, even though you are great).

I don't think bottoms are weaker/less but there is some 'power trip' about being a top and 'in control' of someone like me, who brings a fair amount to the table. If you look at it another way, it also makes him feel somewhat useful, as he is satisfying a need I can't myself (vs just me being a top for example).

 

[Keepitsmooth]

Don’t take it personal, but if you’re insecure about yourself I really doubt you’ll ever be able to attract anyone to you for good. You’re asking very dumb questions which nobody can answer: where do you fit? Who do you attract? There’s not such thing as a hierarchy. I’ve met people attracted to all sort of different things. Maybe many people find whites to be the best looking, but I know many other people who love Arabs or Latinos. The fact you’re an adult and you need to ask other people what kind of people you can attract I find it very disturbing to begin with it, don’t take it personal. And trust me I’m a white guy, I consider myself attractive, still there are plenty of guys that don’t find me their type. Is that gonna make me doubt about myself or think I need to find my nichie??? Not at all! Like I said many fishes in the sea. You can’t expect everyone is the same. Even when talking with my friends, you have no idea how many times we disagree on other guys and sometimes if I say a guy is hot they’ll say I’m blind or something. Just few months ago me and my friend were arguing on Joe Burrow, my friend was saying he’s average looking and I was almost chopping his head off hahahahhaaah. Be yourself, be relaxed, but most importantly be comfortable with who you are otherwise literally you could be the hottest guy in the world and still being ghosted all the time because people will find your insecurity as a red flag

 

[ariesgeorge]

Don’t take it personal, but if you’re insecure about yourself I really doubt you’ll ever be able to attract anyone to you for good. You’re asking very dumb questions which nobody can answer: where do you fit? Who do you attract? There’s not such thing as a hierarchy. I’ve met people attracted to all sort of different things. Maybe many people find whites to be the best looking, but I know many other people who love Arabs or Latinos. The fact you’re an adult and you need to ask other people what kind of people you can attract I find it very disturbing to begin with it, don’t take it personal. And trust me I’m a white guy, I consider myself attractive, still there are plenty of guys that don’t find me their type. Is that gonna make me doubt about myself or think I need to find my nichie??? Not at all! Like I said many fishes in the sea. You can’t expect everyone is the same. Even when talking with my friends, you have no idea how many times we disagree on other guys and sometimes if I say a guy is hot they’ll say I’m blind or something. Just few months ago me and my friend were arguing on Joe Burrow, my friend was saying he’s average looking and I was almost chopping his head off hahahahhaaah. Be yourself, be relaxed, but most importantly be comfortable with who you are otherwise literally you could be the hottest guy in the world and still being ghosted all the time because people will find your insecurity as a red flag

I generally like a dark complexion with a hairy chest and a fat ass lmao. Still, hot is hot and I'm open to everything.

Have you posted any pics of yourself?

 

[deleted19462351]

Not that I care much but there's no middle ground here in Spain, gay guys I know only date other Spaniards (white) or are EXTREMELY into Latinos.

 

[ariesgeorge]

Not that I care much but there's no middle ground here in Spain, gay guys I know only date other Spaniards (white) or are EXTREMELY into Latinos.

Wait what do you mean by that? Light skin and dark skin?

 

[Keepitsmooth]

Wait what do you mean by that? Light skin and dark skin?

Yeah I’m kind of confused too. People in Spain are white?? Since when?
And to answer your question I have a few pics of myself on my profile, but no face, except for the profile pic

 

[ariesgeorge]

Yeah I’m kind of confused too. People in Spain are white?? Since when?
And to answer your question I have a few pics of myself on my profile, but no face, except for the profile pic

See I thought ethnic Spanish people were white but Americans view the whole skin colour and ethnicity thing different to people in my country.

Edit: nice ass

 

[deleted19462351]

Spaniards are white.

 

[Kanashi]

from what I've read before, most of the time, people in the u.s. consider the spanish "people of color." but in other parts of the world, they are considered white.

https://www.npr.org/2020/02/09/8038...as-a-person-of-color-triggers-such-a-backlash

 

[deleted19462351]

Not that I would trust the US with race issue, topics or having any nuance in any situation, lol.
But yeah, no middle ground (I say this as a Latino living in Spain)

 

[ariesgeorge]

Not that I would trust the US with race issue, topics or having any nuance in any situation, lol.
But yeah, no middle ground (I say this as a Latino living in Spain)

Lmao. America is really wild when it comes to lots of things but race is right up there.

 

[Kanashi]

Standards are needed; you wouldn't let anyone into your house, would you?
If the all boxes can't be ticked, it's to be alone, a lot less shit to deal with for sure.
Not dealing with the shit of others.

i think that's fine, as well. as long as you're willing to admit that your lack of willingness to "settle" for someone who isn't 100% what you want is a choice.

like you said, it's okay to be alone.