We ended things and now I feel broken

[ThrowAway121223]

I'm sorry for the long post in advance, but I could really use some advice right because I just don't feel good at all. I can't remember the last time I've felt this way.

I'm (24M) bisexual and have never dated a guy until a couple of months ago. Honestly, this was the year (Late January) that I first began experimenting with guys too. All my life, I hadn't done with thing a guy but I took a chance and decided to let this be the year. All my life I also said I wouldn't do it because of internalized homophobia and because I saw myself with a wife and kids when all is said and done.

But this guy in particular changed my mind and opened it to the possibility of what could be. We're the same age and everything (Before, I'd said I'd never mess around with a guy my age because that runs the risk of us knowing the same people, they're kinda immature, etc. but regardless, I took a chance with him.). He had never dated a guy before either, so we were venturing down this road for the first time, together.

--

We lasted about 3 months. I tried fighting for it to make things work, but there was always something. I didn't like the way he talked to me sometimes, I felt like I never got affirmation or reassuring words (His response was "What kinda gushy stuff do you want me to say"), I felt like he didn't support me at other times, the list goes on, and I won't bore you guys with the details.

All in all, we just don't work. Our schedules no longer align, we keep having disagreements, and more. We had called it quits last week, but then got on the phone and seemingly resolved things, but I can tell it's just not there anymore. It's just not going to work. We haven't officially called it off but I know it's only a matter of time.

I'm very hurt. Despite my initial beliefs about dating guys, I gave it a chance and now look at me. Despite my initial beliefs about entertaining a guy my age, I gave it a chance and now look at me. Everything just blew up in my face. I'm damn near broken right now. I go through moments of being ok with how things turned out, telling myself that "it was for the best" and that "I'll make it through" but for the most part, I'm upset.

--

These days I have no appetite, on-and-off crying, I'm getting headaches, I don't feel like doing anything. I'm just not myself anymore because of how bad this caught me off guard and how bad I feel. Work and my occasional hobbies keeps me distracted but once those are done, I'm stuck in my head thinking of him and how things went downhill.

It's to the point I'm considering therapy. I really wanted it to work with him but it just didn't.

And what's worse is that I know he's just fine without me. He has a very promising future, many groups of friends, and more. I have nothing and no one. I'm not close to my family and my friends are surface-level; I can't talk to them about deep things like this. None of them even know about him or the fact that I'm bisexual. I'm alone. That's what's brought me here.

I have people that are romantically interested in me but I don't want them. Literally, last week on the day when he and I stopped talking, an old girlfriend hit me up wanting to rekindle things but I'm not interested at all. I wanted him. They say in order to get over someone, you have to get under someone else. That's worked in the past, but not this time. I'm not remotely interested in dating anyone else, doing anything casual with my old fwb's, etc. etc. I've met up with one of them and it just didn't do anything for me. It felt like I was just trying to fill the void.

--

I'm just lost on where to go and what to do. I know I need to focus on myself, start working out consistently, eating right, etc. and I've been doing that the past few days but I know that's not enough. I know I need to focus on my mental status but I just don't know how to do that. I constantly check my phone to see if he's reached out, but every time, it's nothing. I try to reframe my negative thinking and feelings but it's no good. I need help on what to do next. A part of me is even thinking, if I look better and work on myself then I can talk to him in the future and try making things work, but I know that's not the right mindset to have.

To be brutally honest and I'm sorry if this comes off some sort of way, but he wasn't all that in the looks department; Maybe a 6.5 at best. I know I could do far better in that area given how I look and who I've attracted in the past. But thanks to him, I also learned that it's not always about the looks, it's also about the person and how they make me feel. And we don't really have much in common. When he's talking about work or these organizations that he's in, I'm like "Oh ok, that's nice", followed by some questions because I literally have no concept of what he's talking about. And he's supposed to be moving away for Med-School in 2025 (Unless he decides to stay local), so I'm sure that would've caused a rift between us. I guess it's better these things happened three months in as opposed to a year+ in.

But despite all of this, I liked how he made me feel when things were good and I liked who I was around him.

He received a part of me that I've never shared with anyone else and I feel as though that's why this hurts so bad. I would've done anything for him.

I'm sorry for the long post. I just need help because I'm in a steep mental decline. I didn't even wanna come home last night. Can anyone please help? Thank you so much.

--
TL;DR: Me and the first guy I've ever dated called things off for good. I'm extremely hurt to the point where I don't wanna do anything. I have headaches, I'm crying on-and-off, and more. I really liked him but we just couldn't make it work. Can I please get some help?

 

[miral29]

Sadly, that is often how most relationships end. You might currently think things could have been better if you did this or that, but dwelling on it can make it worse. What I recommend is finding something that builds self-love. I'm not joking; loving yourself is the first step in healing, without reaching narcissism. Also, do things to boost your confidence—whether it's going to the gym, cooking, or something that makes you proud. Anyway, let time heal you. I hope you get better.

 

[bravesoldier]

"What kind of gushy stuff do you want me to say.." If he has no "gush" rather, love, caring or respect for you it is GREATLY in your favor that the asshole is out of your life. I understand the hurt, BUT.. you are now a victim of sorts to someone that seemingly did not know how to love or care. That in itself, if it holds true for him will spell disaster in every relationship he is in. He will probably never love anyone because it sounds like he doesn't know how to love, etc.

Again, I understand the hurt but if possible don't let yourself continue to be a doormat to his abuse, even if just in your feelings. There are thousands of other guys out there. When the perfect sweet guy comes along, you'll know it.

Best of luck to you friend.

 

[Brodie888]

What you are experiencing is normal. You are grieving the end of your relationship. It just means it meant something to you.

That's not to say it was a good relationship or something that was going to work long term. Clearly the relationship has run it's course and it's time to move on.

I think the actual issue is that you have a fear of being alone and you feel like clinging to a bad relationship is better than nothing. But this is not true. You need to create the space (mentally) for a new person, so be happy to be alone, get your head cleared, be your best self so you can attract someone worthy of you.

It's easy to be addicted to being in a relationship and it's a common mistake to jump into a new relationship with the wrong person because of this. Don't do it.

It has nothing to do with being with a man or a woman. I would focus on making some gay friends by participating in lgbt social groups to deal with the loneliness issues and you never know, you might meet someone special there too.

 

[Raybo Revoy]

I'm sorry for the long post in advance, but I could really use some advice right because I just don't feel good at all. I can't remember the last time I've felt this way.

I'm (24M) bisexual and have never dated a guy until a couple of months ago. Honestly, this was the year (Late January) that I first began experimenting with guys too. All my life, I hadn't done with thing a guy but I took a chance and decided to let this be the year. All my life I also said I wouldn't do it because of internalized homophobia and because I saw myself with a wife and kids when all is said and done.

But this guy in particular changed my mind and opened it to the possibility of what could be. We're the same age and everything (Before, I'd said I'd never mess around with a guy my age because that runs the risk of us knowing the same people, they're kinda immature, etc. but regardless, I took a chance with him.). He had never dated a guy before either, so we were venturing down this road for the first time, together.

--

We lasted about 3 months. I tried fighting for it to make things work, but there was always something. I didn't like the way he talked to me sometimes, I felt like I never got affirmation or reassuring words (His response was "What kinda gushy stuff do you want me to say"), I felt like he didn't support me at other times, the list goes on, and I won't bore you guys with the details.

All in all, we just don't work. Our schedules no longer align, we keep having disagreements, and more. We had called it quits last week, but then got on the phone and seemingly resolved things, but I can tell it's just not there anymore. It's just not going to work. We haven't officially called it off but I know it's only a matter of time.

I'm very hurt. Despite my initial beliefs about dating guys, I gave it a chance and now look at me. Despite my initial beliefs about entertaining a guy my age, I gave it a chance and now look at me. Everything just blew up in my face. I'm damn near broken right now. I go through moments of being ok with how things turned out, telling myself that "it was for the best" and that "I'll make it through" but for the most part, I'm upset.

--

These days I have no appetite, on-and-off crying, I'm getting headaches, I don't feel like doing anything. I'm just not myself anymore because of how bad this caught me off guard and how bad I feel. Work and my occasional hobbies keeps me distracted but once those are done, I'm stuck in my head thinking of him and how things went downhill.

It's to the point I'm considering therapy. I really wanted it to work with him but it just didn't.

And what's worse is that I know he's just fine without me. He has a very promising future, many groups of friends, and more. I have nothing and no one. I'm not close to my family and my friends are surface-level; I can't talk to them about deep things like this. None of them even know about him or the fact that I'm bisexual. I'm alone. That's what's brought me here.

I have people that are romantically interested in me but I don't want them. Literally, last week on the day when he and I stopped talking, an old girlfriend hit me up wanting to rekindle things but I'm not interested at all. I wanted him. They say in order to get over someone, you have to get under someone else. That's worked in the past, but not this time. I'm not remotely interested in dating anyone else, doing anything casual with my old fwb's, etc. etc. I've met up with one of them and it just didn't do anything for me. It felt like I was just trying to fill the void.

--

I'm just lost on where to go and what to do. I know I need to focus on myself, start working out consistently, eating right, etc. and I've been doing that the past few days but I know that's not enough. I know I need to focus on my mental status but I just don't know how to do that. I constantly check my phone to see if he's reached out, but every time, it's nothing. I try to reframe my negative thinking and feelings but it's no good. I need help on what to do next. A part of me is even thinking, if I look better and work on myself then I can talk to him in the future and try making things work, but I know that's not the right mindset to have.

To be brutally honest and I'm sorry if this comes off some sort of way, but he wasn't all that in the looks department; Maybe a 6.5 at best. I know I could do far better in that area given how I look and who I've attracted in the past. But thanks to him, I also learned that it's not always about the looks, it's also about the person and how they make me feel. And we don't really have much in common. When he's talking about work or these organizations that he's in, I'm like "Oh ok, that's nice", followed by some questions because I literally have no concept of what he's talking about. And he's supposed to be moving away for Med-School in 2025 (Unless he decides to stay local), so I'm sure that would've caused a rift between us. I guess it's better these things happened three months in as opposed to a year+ in.

But despite all of this, I liked how he made me feel when things were good and I liked who I was around him.

He received a part of me that I've never shared with anyone else and I feel as though that's why this hurts so bad. I would've done anything for him.

I'm sorry for the long post. I just need help because I'm in a steep mental decline. I didn't even wanna come home last night. Can anyone please help? Thank you so much.

--
TL;DR: Me and the first guy I've ever dated called things off for good. I'm extremely hurt to the point where I don't wanna do anything. I have headaches, I'm crying on-and-off, and more. I really liked him but we just couldn't make it work. Can I please get some help?

 

[Raybo Revoy]

Don't apologize. You are hurting and it is understandable. I am not a therapist but it might be a good idea to see someone. It's difficult but be patient and believe that it will get better and you will be happy again. Relationships are wonderful but they can be difficult and a pain in the ass. It is hard work to maintain. Please hang in there and take it a day at a time and don't be afraid to try again. Please don't do anything rash. Talk to me if you wish. I will listen.

 

[Lancechip69]

Don’t apologize for your feelings because some people don’t have them. And I was once in a similar position, I really liked the guy and he just didn’t want to give it a chance. Fast forward ten years and they call back and they want a second chance, and they are alone, older and I don’t want to give it to them. The tables turn, and unfortunately it takes a few heartbreaks to get them out of your system. And it sucks, but rarely is that first time ever grand and magical. At least for me and the folks I know. I’m also a huge advocate for therapy and if it works for you, go for it! Might meet a hot guy there, and coming to terms with parts of sexual orientation and all is not easy. There’s also no right or wrong answer or time limit. Keep your head up and on to the next one!!

 

[Graham123]

You just got to bounce back and try again why not just enjoy some time with guys their company, a drink maybe a little playtime and try not to look for Mt right on the first few encounters, you need a guy to, show you respect also that guy was not giving you any respect it appears to me and well rid. I accept it hurts but that all about discovering who are your true friends and others that are just acquaintances and or maybe just a FWB. Explore and enjoy don’t let a one off put you off.

 

[Stephenmass]

"What kind of gushy stuff do you want me to say.." If he has no "gush" rather, love, caring or respect for you it is GREATLY in your favor that the asshole is out of your life. I understand the hurt, BUT.. you are now a victim of sorts to someone that seemingly did not know how to love or care. That in itself, if it holds true for him will spell disaster in every relationship he is in. He will probably never love anyone because it sounds like he doesn't know how to love, etc.

Again, I understand the hurt but if possible don't let yourself continue to be a doormat to his abuse, even if just in your feelings. There are thousands of other guys out there. When the perfect sweet guy comes along, you'll know it.

Best of luck to you friend.

I agree 100%. It would help him if he would remember how he felt while all of this was happening while in the relationship. Getting back together IMO is not a great idea. Find someone (no rush) that fills your emotional space and keeps you happy and can make you laugh, both at and with yourself.

 

[Beefderky]

Infatuation or love. Tricky little assholes to differentiate, especially with your first. I'm going to put my money on infatuation. I think your dreams met reality. Perhaps you really do want a wife and kids in the future, but right now, something feels "right" by being with a man. That it was starting to satisfy your needs that you didn't realize you had.

Exploring another side of yourself is all together fun, exciting and also frightening. Here's the thing, I think you were starting to lose your self respect by being with this guy. He didn't seem to appreciate you and yet you allowed it to happen. You have been in the relationship for 3 months before it ended. Can you say you honestly knew each other enough to experience this heartache due to loss of a "lover". If you were to look deeper, I think you may be more upset that your first relationship with a guy was a failure. That you wanted it to last longer to experience more together with man.

You didn't start having problems at the 3 month mark, I'm sure it most likely started in the first month of the relationship. Would you have allowed yourself to be treated this way if it was a woman? I hope your answer is a no. If you can't fight for your own happiness then you should take some time to work on yourself so you can stand up for yourself and not accept any dick weeds in your life that doesn't deserve you.

Besides, who's going to change if you guys tried it again? Him? Yeah, that's a hell to the no. He's selfish in a bad way and yes you can be selfish in a good way. A way that you put your needs and self respect first by not allowing someone to talk down to you, not make you feel like you're the problem or that your feelings don't matter. You need to be selfish enough so you're happy, in return, you could make them happy. You should hopefully not actually be the problem lol.

All in all, you are crying over someone that now has control over you. Don't let him. Realize you deserve more, someone that wants to be with you, talk to you and be patient and you know, genuinely try for you. You will fall in the same cycle over and over with men if you don't stand up for yourself. Don't be scared though because once you get past the garbage out there, there will be someone that will show you the joys of a happy and healthy relationship. It may or may not last forever but you should definitely learn from it and appreciate all the memories. Relationships help you improve and figure out what you want out of a relationship. Never settle. Anyways it's not all sugar and candy canes though. Relationships are hard work. You both have to put forth the effort in order for it to have a chance.

I did dislike your comment about their looks. Don't be conceited otherwise you prolly do deserve all that had happened. Ehhh, i should have been sleeping an hour ago haha but your post caught my attention. Dm me up if you want to chat more on this. In the mean time, just be yourself and don't give up on yourself