Do Bisexual men actually settle down with men?

[Jeffer2580]

Although this thread slightly swayed off topic with anecdotal experiences but still collective in a way from my fellow bi/pan brothers so thanks @therebrand for creating this thread. Personally, it's the most non toxic thread I've seen on this forum ever

 

[michael_3165]

Could please elaborate on what it is about men that makes you think "I can't build a home, family, life with this person because they are a man"?

Have you pondered the question that the reason you cannot romantically love other men is because you may not love yourself - a man?

Sorry to answer but you've got me thinking too. I found in gay relationships it felt like a competition, who was bigger, who was more masculine, who learnt more. The roles were much less defined which for my sense of self wasn't healthy.

Now I'm w a woman and happy. She is nurturing, kind, looks after me a bit (not literally, but balances my erraticness out), needs me to do things around the house, and brings the validation. She is very introverted and likes to think before acting. And very gentle.


I'm the problem solving, practical prick that's assertive, boundary setting, warm, engaging and highly extroverted type. Those roles work nicely for us and I never found that w a guy. It was a conflict with every guy I dated, though that was a me thing I suspect.

 

[Urien]

it's a continuous talking points for bigots to point out that sexuality can change overnight

I don't think you change "change your sexuality". I think you can only expand on what you have to an extent. So if you start off as gay or straight, you can with experience move closer to the center, but it takes a lot of time and positive experiences. How much of an extent is very unique to each person. Your base or initial sexuality will always be there of course. Once you stretch the mind in a certain way you can't unstretch it.

A good way of thinking about this is your "type".

Your "type" of sexual interest changes with time.

I hated hairy men, skinny men, chubby men, etc. in the beginning but now I've grown to encompass them all into my tastes because I've had many positives experiences with them which taught my brain that they too are edible. My original type of He-Man remains, but now I have so many more choices.

The jump from He-Man to Hairy Man is akin to the jump from Male to Female, but with a few extra steps. It's just another sexual type/fetish that you can develop.

I know this sounds simplistic but it could be that simple. The caveat I mentioned before is that this has to be totally of one's own volition. An organic journey and expression of free will.

The problem with these labels (and these label obsessed people) is that they goes against nature (and Science). Human beings are actually human becomings always. We - body and mind - are in a constant state of change and transition that is greatly influenced by experience. We're not just passengers, we can steer the ship to some degree. But it's really tough to do and learn. Mainly because we have to spend a lot of time unlearning shit first.

Regarding the bigots; Conversion therapy fails because it is a violation of another's will. It's using negative condition through extreme and unethical fear, pain, and trauma to change behavior. The brain will reject it, and the person will be damaged for life.

More importantly, Conversion therapy is WRONG because it stems from a false idea which is Religion. The idea that the default state is heterosexuality and that other expressions of sex are wrong. Nature doesn't work or think that way. It is flexible, malleable and chaotic. It is free. Anyone who tells you it is perfectly "designed" is a fool.

Based on anecdotal evidence and my own research, IMHO the default state is "sexual". First you fuck your hand, then objects, then you learn to fuck others based on your experiences and genetic predispositions.

I've never fully agreed with the "born this way" argument (it was never scientific fact, it just felt that way to us). People went along with it because it was the path of least resistance to get our rights. It worked for the Jews, the Blacks, so it would work for us. But look now where it has lead us with the new generation of trans activists and scientific denial. Or the "MAPS" folk who are claiming also that they are born this way. BTW is a slippery slope and it can be used to absolve responsibility from really bad apples.

The reality of the matter I think wer:

A- We can't change our sexuality, we can expand it to some degree. If you are gay or straight you will always be those things yes. But you can be more if you so desired and willed. Everyone is fluid, but culture and society - both Straight and GAY - has put restraints on us with "labels" and doctrine.

B- The argument for our rights should always have remained a liberal argument. Freedom of choice. As we used to say, if it is a gene I have it, and if it is a choice I made it. There is nothing wrong with making this choice is the basis of our freedom.

However it was easier to convince greater society that we were born this way, than to explain to them that their argument against my freedom of choice are based on false pretenses, a delusional bronze age religion, and outright ignorance. It's an argument that is hard to win with these numb skulls.

"Born this way" is cleaner, safer, and near impenetrable. Because they can't argue against the will of their God. But I do believe it will come back and bite us in the ass When others begin misusing "Born This Way" - Pedos, Psychopaths, Sociopaths, etc. They are already starting.

I do believe that bisexuality or rather sexuality should be our default state in a social setting to more closely match our innate biological setting. I envy true or total bi folk - the bisexuals and biromantic types. The world is so much bigger for them. I'd wish such a world on my kids and future generations. That's how I imagine us if we ever become a space-faring civilization.

I say this as a gay man or more accurately a "man who prefers the company of men much more consistently".

Sorry if I rambled, I tried to be as thorough with my perspective as possible. Thanks for reading if you got here.

 

[DPHusband]

Have been with my Bi husband for almost 31 years, married 17 years.

 

[AllieHeidi]

Well, this thread is certainly an interesting read. In fact, it helped me better understand how one guy (linked below) compared being bisexual with being asexual. We do definitely go through the same thought processes, I suppose.

you can with experience move closer to the center, but it takes a lot of time and positive experiences.

No. You don't "move." You stay exactly where you always have been. It just takes time and experience to figure out where that particular "spot" is actually located.

Anyway, before I realized I'm gay-ace (homoromantic asexual), I just assumed I was a typical straight woman because I never experienced sexual attraction for anyone. I defaulted to men when I started dating because a) That's who approached me, b) That's who I was "supposed" to be with...right?

It's amazing how on the nose the bi guys explanations of how lacking in romantic/emotional feelings for men and their preferences for women mirrored mine. I could've written some of them myself, minus the sexual attraction/lust portions.

In part, that's what made trying to figure out "my sexual orientation spot" so damn difficult. Because of my lack of sexual attraction for either, nothing really "clicked" for me until I had the opportunity to connect with another woman who happened to be bi. Talk about the wool being lifted from one's eyes. I just hate that it took so long and a lot of wasted time being with (and confusing the absolute hell out of ) men to figure it out.

 

[halcyondays]

Do Bisexual Men Actually Settle Down With Men?​

I haven't settled down with anyone male or female. I don't do exclusive relationships. I am clear about this up front with everyone I date.

 

[Urien]

No. You don't "move." You stay exactly where you always have been. It just takes time and experience to figure out where that particular "spot" is actually located.

That's your experience. You can see it however way you want. I spoke about mine. I moved the needle closer to the center when it was absolutely homosexual before. It wasn't innate or natural to me, I willed it into existence as an adult by satiating my curiosities and pushing my limits.

Many straight men do the same (but for other men) for a multitude of reasons and in time cultivate appetites. This is well documented in porn and the prison system at the very least.

So the idea that a gay person becomes more bi in time/experience should not be so strange if that is what's bothering you.

You're also asexual. I find it a little odd for you to try to lecture me about the fluidity and sensation of sexuality, when you only experience the absence of it by your own admission.

The blind man can't tell you about color.

 

[AllieHeidi]

So the idea that a gay person becomes more bi in time/experience should not be so strange if that is what's bothering you.

So help me, it is primarily bisexuals who not only believe, but actively push, this problematic narrative. And when you are corrected, you refuse to see how harmful such a narrative is. You truly have a gift.

You're also asexual.

Which is a valid sexuality and doesn't hinder one from being able to speak on, nor comprehend, the basics of how human sexuality works. To suggest otherwise is just ignorant.

Sexuality is innate. It cannot and does not change. If one is monosexual, they remain as such. Bisexuals are the only individuals who experience "fluidity" because they are attracted to both sexes at varying degrees (see: the bi-cycle). It's really not as complicated as you're trying to make it. Per your logic, though, your bisexuality is "blinding" you from understanding that monosexuality is valid and cannot ever change because sexuality cannot change.

A bisexual switching between desiring males and females throughout the years is not "changing" their sexuality. They are merely existing as a bisexual because that is the very nature of being bisexual.

 

[Urien]

Which is a valid sexuality

That's like saying being completely bald is a valid hairstyle. Pass.

 

[AllieHeidi]

That's like saying being completely bald is a valid hairstyle. Pass.

And what you're saying is that one needs to be a pilot to know what a plane is. Unsurprising when the following is, apparently, how you reason:

The jump from He-Man to Hairy Man is akin to the jump from Male to Female, but with a few extra steps.

 

[therebrand]

Do Bisexual Men Actually Settle Down With Men?​

I haven't settled down with anyone male or female. I don't do exclusive relationships. I am clear about this up front with everyone I date.

Question - Are you in therapy?

 

[DreamLoveAngels]

Honestly, I'm not quite sure how to answer that. I can say that it's not a conscious decision, I didn't just wake up one day and declared that men would never meet my emotional needs. It'd make things so much easier, in many ways, if I could have a loving, romantic, emotional relationship with a man, but I just don't want to. I just don't feel it the way I do with women.

I know you're looking for a "why" but to me it feels a bit like asking why someone's sexually attracted to men or women in that the answer is just "because." Sure, sexually the answer could be "well, I don't know why I like that, but I know my dick likes it because it gets hard," but not to be corny, but isn't that the same when it comes to the heart? The dick wants what it wants, but so does the heart, and when they're not in sync, then you get people like me.

Now, I'm not entirely naive. Of course there must be a social conditioning component to all of this. We've all been conditioned since birth to see straight relationships as the norm. We've been fed straight romance in tv shows and movies since we were old enough to walk, in everything from Disney princess movies to fucking Star Wars and Marvel.

The thing is, I think there are people that simply say "I'm not romantically into men" without even being open to the idea. They reject it in principle, right out of the gate. I'm not like that, or at least I've tried not to be. I've tried towill something to happen, I've spooned with men in the post-sex afterglow, slept with men holding me tightly with my head on their chest, woke up to them in the morning and thought, "This could be my life, this could be it. This guy is handsome, smart, funny. This could be my life, with him. We'd go grocery shopping together, take long walks at the beach, hold hands at the movies, stay up all night talking, travel and see the world, all that shit." But then the spark just isn't there, no matter how hard I will it to be. I want to do and have all those things...with a woman.

A good question to ask would be if you actually do feel all of the above with EVERY woman, cause i'm sorry to say, but what you described just is kind of weird.
Like, i get it, you can't help it, but also, not really, cause you yourself said you don't WANT to feel that way about men...
Add once again, like YOU ALSO said, TO ME it's mostly that when it comes down to it, the majority of bi men WANT to feel like that cause living the "straight" life is 100% much more convenient.

 

[halcyondays]

Question - Are you in therapy?

Is this a serious inquiry or sarcasm?

 

[tompg]

People are a whole spectrum.

There are bimen that will settle down with males but I suspect they're in the minority. It's simply easier to be in m/f relationship than a m/m one.

I tend not to use labels but most of the bi/bicurious guys I've met will either default to back to woman or will be looking for a fwb setup when married etc.

 

[Exdoria]

I'm not convinced.
From personal experience, every bi man I was with ended up using me and then ran when a woman came along.
So I stopped dating bisexual men - until meeting my current boyfriend (who's bi).
I'm pansexual, myself.

But I still have certain feelings about bi men - I don't know if it's the truth or just a generalization.
So, tell me - Am I wrong to think that it's extremely rare for bi men to settle down with men?
Or is it wrong to think bi men date men and rarely settle down with women?
Because I've been played so much by bi men in the past (all except one, were hookups several years ago), that all I want is a gay, trans or pan guy at this point.
Hell, even DL/questioning men will be fine.
As long as I don't end up played and heartbroken again, anything else will do.

But please remember to focus on the discussion of bisexual men settling down with men, and how prevalent (or non-prevalent) it is in today's generation.

Option 2: If that subject is too boring, we can discuss how prevalent DL and bi porn stars are, and how many of them start out "straight" and end up dating or settling down with men, later in life.
I find that fascinating, too.

First I think there are so many different kind of people it's impossible to talk about a sexual orientation like this. But from my experience, frankly yes. For some reason I attract many guys who are bisexual (I really can't explain it) so I've had many ex-boyfriends who are bisexual and they've all left me for women (Even those who said that they slightly prefer men). I think that anyway, at least unconsciously they want sexual change (like every men wants) and most of them think it's socially easier to be with a woman.

 

[Tecmilenio]

I'm not convinced.
From personal experience, every bi man I was with ended up using me and then ran when a woman came along.
So I stopped dating bisexual men - until meeting my current boyfriend (who's bi).
I'm pansexual, myself.

But I still have certain feelings about bi men - I don't know if it's the truth or just a generalization.
So, tell me - Am I wrong to think that it's extremely rare for bi men to settle down with men?
Or is it wrong to think bi men date men and rarely settle down with women?
Because I've been played so much by bi men in the past (all except one, were hookups several years ago), that all I want is a gay, trans or pan guy at this point.
Hell, even DL/questioning men will be fine.
As long as I don't end up played and heartbroken again, anything else will do.

But please remember to focus on the discussion of bisexual men settling down with men, and how prevalent (or non-prevalent) it is in today's generation.

Option 2: If that subject is too boring, we can discuss how prevalent DL and bi porn stars are, and how many of them start out "straight" and end up dating or settling down with men, later in life.
I find that fascinating, too.

This sounds less like you're interested in discussing statistics/psychology and more like you're projecting your feelings about a teeny tiny sample of bisexual men and projecting it onto all of us, then came to this site to seek validation for your projections. Every time someone tells you in what I've read of this thread so far that they are in a happy marriage as or with a bisexual man you say he's an exception, that at least there's one good man out there. Why are you so afraid of the fact that you've been used by bad men because they were bad and there's nothing more to it? Why rope all other bi men into this? You don't think that "bi men are more likely to settle for a woman", you're afraid that bi men just want to use and abandon you and need to rationalise that fear.

And if you really must know, I'm bi and I don't plan on settling with anyone of any gender, although most guys my age aren't thinking about marriage either anyways.

 

[sylarrr007]

This sounds less like you're interested in discussing statistics/psychology and more like you're projecting your feelings about a teeny tiny sample of bisexual men and projecting it onto all of us, then came to this site to seek validation for your projections. Every time someone tells you in what I've read of this thread so far that they are in a happy marriage as or with a bisexual man you say he's an exception, that at least there's one good man out there. Why are you so afraid of the fact that you've been used by bad men because they were bad and there's nothing more to it? Why rope all other bi men into this? You don't think that "bi men are more likely to settle for a woman", you're afraid that bi men just want to use and abandon you and need to rationalise that fear.

And if you really must know, I'm bi and I don't plan on settling with anyone of any gender, although most guys my age aren't thinking about marriage either anyways.

I think both the stats/psychology and the feelings goes hand in hand. The stats cause a ripple effect for the feelings he has for bi men. Maybe you don't see it because you are in your bubble by looking at your attraction metric, you are bi but more attracted to men so you obviously don't know where he's coming from.

The stats shows that majority of bi people (the last research I saw was 81% before the pandemic) tends to prefer or are in relationships with the opposite sex which leaves gay people or other bi homoromantic people with a few homoromantic or biromantic bisexual options who actually want to be in a relationship with men so why won't these feelings spring up when there's an almost 80% chance of a bi man leaving him for a woman? Just look at the thread, there are more gay men saying that their bi boyfriends left them for women than the success story of them marrying their bi spouse. The last bi guy I was in a relationship with or at least thought I was left me for a woman and he personally told me to my face that I can't give him what a woman can, mind you, this is the third bi guy I was in a relationship with. The one before him personally told me I was a "placeholder" in the relationship until he's financially stable to be in a relationship with a woman which was a complete red flag, I know but I was young, blinded by love, stupid and naive then, he eventually became financially stable and bounced, now he's married to a woman.

What we as gay men or homoromantic bi men don't see enough is y'all calling out other bi (mostly heteroromantic) men for not being transparent. It's ok if these bi men prefers to be in relationships with women, I mean we live in an heteronormative world, even I as a gay man can't downplay the privilege straight relationships have so it's obvious why most bi men would prefer relationships with women

 

[Gobs]

I mean, I'm bi and only interested in men for sex but I'm very upfront about it. Regardless of how good the sex is, I would never string along a guy who's interested in a relationship, firstly because I'm not an asshole, and secondly because I don't know if I could even fake it. Romance, emotional intimacy, whatever you wanna call it, doesn't come easily for me with men as it does with women.

Wow , the clarity of thought

 

[Tecmilenio]

I think both the stats/psychology and the feelings goes hand in hand. The stats cause a ripple effect for the feelings he has for bi men. Maybe you don't see it because you are in your bubble by looking at your attraction metric, you are bi but more attracted to men so you obviously don't know where he's coming from.

The stats shows that majority of bi people (the last research I saw was 81% before the pandemic) tends to prefer or are in relationships with the opposite sex which leaves gay people or other bi homoromantic people with a few homoromantic or biromantic bisexual options who actually want to be in a relationship with men so why won't these feelings spring up when there's an almost 80% chance of a bi man leaving him for a woman? Just look at the thread, there are more gay men saying that their bi boyfriends left them for women than the success story of them marrying their bi spouse. The last bi guy I was in a relationship with or at least thought I was left me for a woman and he personally told me to my face that I can't give him what a woman can, mind you, this is the third bi guy I was in a relationship with. The one before him personally told me I was a "placeholder" in the relationship until he's financially stable to be in a relationship with a woman which was a complete red flag, I know but I was young, blinded by love, stupid and naive then, he eventually became financially stable and bounced, now he's married to a woman.

What we as gay men or homoromantic bi men don't see enough is y'all calling out other bi (mostly heteroromantic) men for not being transparent. It's ok if these bi men prefers to be in relationships with women, I mean we live in an heteronormative world, even I as a gay man can't downplay the privilege straight relationships have so it's obvious why most bi men would prefer relationships with women

Fair enough

 

[jln89]

Trust me, how your feeling is not unique. They specialise in killing your self-esteem. Most girls get fucked over by every bi, straight, ugly or stupid man, thats breathing, just as much as you guys do. There's more DL happening in hetro relationships than gay ones. So if you feel like these men are using you just for sex then there are women out there who feel this every day! You must feel like you dodged a bullet to know a man is just with a woman to provide him with a family. Hes selfish, and unlikely to be a good partner in this case. This is what we like to call, a convieneint cover story, that means the relationship is unlikely to last long term without some man-on-mano play along the way. It's not nice to be used as a woman for sex, for a cover story that suits society, his family, or his lifestyle. It's not nice to be used for his own ego boost, and it's certainly not nice to be used for our wombs. This is even more of a stinger when they take years off of their girls' lives, when all the time they could have had a happy, stable relationship. I don't know if it's any consolation, but just be grateful that you were in on the secret. I doubt that the girls he pesters know about his niche hobby.